Walk the line
by killa tila
Summary: This is my story about the life of Amanda Rollins and her romantic relationship with Fin Tutuola - FINANDA FIC! It's about watching Amanda overcoming her problems and creating bonds with the new people in her life. Enjoy & tell me what you think! more chapters to come!
1. Chapter 1

It was another Monday morning in New York. It was a week before Christmas and the weather was really cold. It's been over a year since Amanda moved in the big apple but she still haven't adjusted to the New York weather. The winter in Atlanta wasn't warm either but here in New York she was always dressed like an Eskimo and she would often reminisce the warm Georgia days. She entered the precinct wearing a brown coat and a colourful scarf. Her hair was loose and her cheeks and nose were red from the cold. Ever since Captain Harris suggested they should be dressed in business attire Amanda thought it would be a nice change of pace and so her style is less casual this year. Underneath her heavy coat she is dressed in an all-black women's suit and it fits her thin silhouette perfectly. As soon as she saw Fin she gave him a quick glance and a smile. "Hey, good morning! What's up?" . "Hey, nothing much. I think we are looking at a quiet shift today." "Good! We have a lot of paperwork to do and we need as much time as we can get," she said. "I 'm gonna make coffee, you want some?" She asked him. He looked at her and nodded! "Yeah I 'll have a cup of hot coffee. Why not?". He got comfortable in his chair and grabbed his pen getting ready to get to work.

This was his desk for over twelve years now and the special victims unit was his second home. Fin always tried to keep the profile of the tough male. He had the reputation of the bad boy and nobody would ever describe him as cute or soft. He was also known as a police officer with a strong personality and he was never enthusiastic when his captain assigned a new partner to him. He always had a complaint and usually he had no problem whatsoever to share his dissatisfaction with his superior. Everyone knew he preferred riding solo and he didn't do well with partners. The only partner that despite his peculiar personality and the obvious differences between them had managed to gain his acceptance, respect and ultimately his love was Munch, who was a sergeant now. The news that two young detectives would "invade" the svu squad didn't amuse Fin. He anxiously waited to see what kind of guy he would have to put up with and although he didn't want to admit it he loved Munch like a big brother. He did not want to spoil the recipe of a successful partnership. However, Munch was not available. Besides, he was getting too old to work long hours and especially outside the office. Fin had to deal with it and move on. Both he and Liv needed new partners and neither of them was thrilled. It was harder for Liv who was still recovering from the sudden departure of Elliot who was her partner for all these years. Elliot's shoes would be too big to fill and Fin felt so sorry for her loss. All they could do now was pray their new partners weren't gonna be a disaster. The day Amanda came into the department with that disarming smile and those flaming blue eyes and introduced herself to her new colleague is still stuck in Fin 's memory.

She was a skinny, milky white little lady, who looked more like a teacher or a nurse than a cop. She looked too young to be a detective and anyone would wonder if she could really handle this job. Fin was never the type of person to judge the book by its cover so he decided not to let her appearance cloud his judgement. Sooner or later she would show what she was all about. Since she was a little girl, she always managed to fool everyone with the seemingly innocent and cute looks of hers. Both back when she was a kid and now as an adult and a detective, she has always been dealing with misconceptions about her personality. She was accustomed to people seeing her as the rookie, sensitive baby girl and for that reason, she was very happy to find out that Fin, the African American middle-aged man with the rough face treated her like any ordinary male cop from day one.

Ultimately, this blondie proved to be pretty skilled and relatively experienced. Lot more than both him and everyone in the department expected. However, what had taken Fin by surprise was that Amanda didn't have all these annoying features of a typical woman. She was quiet and when she opened her mouth to speak she'd say exactly what was on her mind, without unnecessary mysteries or games. Fin never liked the enigmatic women neither in his personal life nor in his job. In addition, he considered his work his top priority and didn't appreciate any kind of distractions from disturbing females. That was the main reason why he was mostly single and was never interested in relationships that lasted longer than one night. It never crossed his mind that there were women out there who deserved more of his time and his devotion.

While he was daydreaming about all those changes that have happened this last year, he kept staring at Amanda. She spoke to him but he didn't reply so she realized that he was distracted by his thoughts .She grabbed the cups of coffee and she just stood before him, smiled at him and that cute wrinkle on her forehead appeared. "Hey you! Are you planning on returning to our world anytime soon?" She said to him with this deep sassy voice and took a small sip of her coffee. He snapped out of his thoughts and smirked at her, "I'm a big man , you can't scare me like that .You almost gave me a heart attack." His voice gave away his playful mood. He immediately smiled back at her and reached out for his cup of coffee. "Here you go. Black coffee, no milk, no sugar. Just the way you like it."

She sat at her desk and took a deep breath. They had a long day ahead of them. The phones have already started ringing and it wouldn't be long until they'd catch a case. Shortly afterwards Liv arrived at work bringing bad news. Apparently, another girl had become a victim of sexual abuse. Fin and Amanda gave each other a quick look and got up from their seats to follow Liv to the reception room, the place where they would meet the victims. It was less hostile and overwhelming than the interrogation room. There is a sofa and it is comfortable and relaxing to some extent. How can a shocked girl who has just experienced the most heinous assault and has lost her innocence with such a brutal way manage to relax anyway? Once Liv introduced the girl to the detectives, Amanda froze. "Erica?" She managed to say after the initial shock. "What are you doing here? What's going on?". "You know her?" Liv and Fin asked almost at the exact same time. Amanda was still in shock and after taking a big breath she replied, "Yes…yes I do".


	2. Chapter 2

Amanda regained her composure and replied, "She is in the softball team I coach." and quickly turned to Erica who was starting to cry. "Hey coach", she said hesitantly before bursting into tears. She was sobbing when Amanda took her in her arms and began to console her. Liv and Fin looked at each other surprised. What a coincidence that was! "Amanda I think you should take Erica in and make her feel comfortable. Fin could you go get Erica something to eat?" Liv suggested. Erica nodded that she doesn't want to eat anything as her stomach was clenched into knots the moment she walked into the precinct. "You have to eat something whether you can or not sweetie. You're really weak right now", Liv indicated and her voice got softer as she was trying not to make Erica feel forced. "I ll get you a burger" Fin suggested to break this awkward silence between the three females.

Amanda was still in shock and disgusted at the thought that one of her best players and one of the best kids in the team was a rape victim. She couldn't believe that she would have to ask Erica all those uncomfortable questions most victims usually need to answer. She was in denial.

Fin grabbed his jacket and walked towards the exit. He would return later with Erica's lunch. It was wise to let the female detectives talk with the girl privately. Having an unknown man, even if he was a police officer, that close to the girl while she was confessing what happened to her would be extremely uncomfortable for the traumatized victim.

She was only sixteen years old and very shy. She didn't wanna come to the police in the first place and even being there was a big step for her. She still wasn't sure if she would press charges against that guy. She took her time and told them everything about him and how he has been making moves on her for weeks now.

Apparently, according to her statement, he has been stalking her and he knew the route she would take on her way back home. She didn't reveal whether or not she had an intimate relationship with the man prior to the assault though. All she said was that he attacked her on her way back home, forced her in his car and rapped her. He even threatened to kill her if she told anyone about this and called it "their little secret'".

Erica didn't share this with anyone in her family cause she was terrified and she decided to keep it to herself. She lived alone with her mother and her three younger sisters, so she was afraid of his reaction if he found out she told anyone about it. For all she knew he could harm one of her sisters next. The only person she could trust was Amanda who has been like an older sister to her. At first she thought it was better to wait until the next practice to talk to the blonde, but this morning she saw him close to her house and she panicked, so she decided to come to the precinct to find the detective.

Amanda would listen to her and she couldn't believe what she was hearing. How did she miss those signs? She has been coaching the softball team for four months now since the day the school decided not to hire a new softball coach, due to budget issues. Amanda met the team on the job when the svu squad was investigating a murder case close to the school and some of the players were eye witnesses. When she found out that there wouldn't be a softball team anymore Amanda stepped in and took the job agreeing there would be no salary. Her only agenda was to help the female athletes of this deprived south Bronx school stay off the streets and keep them out of trouble, while giving them a much-needed piece of advice about the need to respect themselves and be cautious in their relationships with the opposite sex. Her experience on the job had proved that it is better to anticipate an incident than trying to fix it later when it becomes reality.

Besides, she wanted to do something productive with her free time and keep her mind off gambling. In addition, she got to play her favourite sport again and she kept fit with all that running around on the pitch .She began to love coaching and her players were getting really close to her. They started having a connection with her and she loved the bond they created.

Amanda felt responsible for those girls, cause in many cases she was the only person in their lives who cared about them. She was the only shoulder they could lean on and a healthy role model to look up to. Without a doubt her role was really significant and she was really dedicated to this part time job and eager to make a difference in their lives.

They finished talking about what happened and Liv suggested they should let Erica relax for a while cause she looked pale and weak. Amanda decided to return to her desk and try to do some paperwork to take her mind off this incident. She couldn't remove these harsh images of the abused girl from her mind. She has encountered many cases of sexual violence all these years as a detective but obviously this case was close to her heart. As soon as she left the room, she was pale and haggard .She lifted an agitated hand, and run her fingers through her hair. Her eyes were bloodshot red and she kept staring at the room in which the young girl was waiting. She was too nervous to even try to hide it.

Meanwhile Fin was back with Erica's lunch. He stepped into the room where Erica was kept, handed her the food and quickly stepped out of there and returned to his desk. While he was busy working on another case at his desk, he glanced at Amanda's desk and he figured there was something strange about her. She looked sallow and she was lost in her thoughts. He observed Amanda from a distance, trying to decide whether he should go up to her and ask her if she was ok. He knew that in these intense moments anyone would like to be left alone without having to answer to stupid questions. Of course she wasn't ok. She couldn't be ok working on this case. It's been a year since they got paired up so he knew her breaking points by now and failing to foresee a disaster was one of her biggest fears, especially when it involved someone she cared about.

He knew that female detectives had every reason to be more sensitive about the issues they're dealing with. It was undeniable that a female perspective and insight about a case was a priceless contribution to the svu and it would make his job a lot easier. For that reason, he was pleased to have a female partner and he appreciated her valuable help, but he also knew he would have to be more sensitive about her feelings.

Since he had a female partner before it was all new to him at first. He had to adjust to the female mentality to be able to be coordinated with his new partner and that wasn't easy for him. His prior experience with female officers wasn't enough to help him. Liv was always Elliot's partner so Fin only had to work with her occasionally. However, Amanda was "his Liv" now. He knew he had to figure her out, learn more about her and her personality in order to achieve some sort of intimacy and connection that would make their work side by side easier. And they have taken a few significant steps towards that goal.

One of the defining moments in their relationship was a gambling addiction Amanda struggled with last year and the way he stood by her side through that difficult situation showed Amanda what kind of person Fin was really made them come closer to each other. She was new to the city back then, she had no one else to turn to and Fin helped her solve this problem even though he wasn't obligated to do it. He was there when she needed a friend and he handled this issue with affection and most of all with discretion.

The tough times Fin went through when his son's fiancé got raped and beat up was also an incident that contributed to the development of their relationship and formed a strong bond between them. Considering the fact that they both aren't the talkative type of people, bonding was more of a silent, latent process. Their body language did all the talking and a silent code of communication began to take shape. Therefore, it wasn't that difficult nowadays for Fin to detect his partner's mood.

And the more he would stare at Amanda the more he understood she wasn't fine at all. He felt the need to give her a warm hug and keep her in his arms until her pain went away and it was a feeling that surprised him and puzzled him a lot .However, this wasn't the right moment to sit and think about this unprecedented warm feeling so he erased that thought from his mind immediately.

After giving it a lot of thought, he finally realized he shouldn't just sit there and do nothing. Reluctantly he got up from his chair and after a small pause he walked away from his desk heading towards Amanda's desk. At that moment Amanda stood up abruptly, causing him to revise his strategy. Her face was stony and she fought really hard to hide her emotions. Studiously avoiding looking around, she walked towards the bathroom, got in and closed the door behind her.


	3. Chapter 3

Amanda entered the ladies room, closed the door cautiously behind her, locked it, just to be sure, and let a deep sigh. She was sitting on the bathroom floor, her back supported against the door and she let her fingers sank in her hair.

She knew Liv had her hands full right now, so she would have the space she needed to herself and since she was in the safety of her privacy she let go and shed her tears. She used her hand to cover her mouth and block her voice so that she wouldn't be heard outside. She was devastated and couldn't control her anger.

Renowned for her ability to maintain her composure, the blonde always kept a poker face and learned from a very young age that she needed to be tough and collected to survive in this world on her own. It made her uncomfortable to express her deeper feelings in front of other people. In fact, she could not remember the last time someone saw her crying.

Suddenly there was a knock on the door. She looked at the door, surprised that someone wanted to use the ladies room. "Who is it?" she yelled at the direction of the closed door, trying to sound normal and not let her voice give away that she's been crying.

"It's me". It was Fin's voice. "One second" she replied after clearing her throat as much as she could.

It was already hard enough trying to prove she was a tough cop, capable of leading an investigation and dealing with scary criminals. The last thing she wanted to do was look vulnerable and fragile in the presence of him or any of her other colleagues. She needed to pull herself together and act normal in front of Fin.

Closing her eyes, she took a deep breath. She started wiping the tears from her eyes and her cheekbones and she fixed her hair .She tried to catch her breath, then opened the door hesitantly and saw Fin standing there leaning on the wall.

Even though she tied really hard to avoid making eye contact with him, he could tell she was crying. Gazing down at her, he stood there before her without making a move towards her. He didn't have to say much.

He let her have her space. He hesitated for a minute and as he rested his hands on his waist he attempted to start a conversation.

"Look, I know this must be hard for you so I won't bother you with shitty advice about not letting the cases affect you ok?", he whispered.

Meanwhile, she opened the tap and threw water on her face. She looked at him through the mirror and still avoided looking directly in his eyes.

He approached her; touched her arm with his right hand and his voice became soft. "You ok? Do you feel ok? Do you wanna go and lie down?", he suggested.

"No, no, no I 'm just fine" she interrupted him. "I guess the strong coffee I drank this morning messed with my stomach. Don't worry, I'll live. I'll be fine, just give me a minute." she murmured.

Fin wasn't convinced by the reply. "You could use some rest, you look like hell right now, he said as he approached her. Well, I didn't mean you look ugly". He obviously didn't handle it the way he should have. He picked the wrong words and he wished he could take them back, but it was too late.

"I think it'd be wise for me to shut up now", he said in a humorous voice and he stepped away from her.

He was embarrassed but at the same time he wished his stupidity would make Amanda smile.

Raising her chin, the blonde forced a smile on her face and she responded that she was just fine but the soft, high-pitched, almost squeaky voice she spoke in, instead of her normal low-pitched firm and confident voice, made it more obvious to Fin that she was barely hanging on.

"Hey, look at me" he insisted as she came too close to her and she could no longer hide from him. He placed his hand on her shoulder and before he knew it he was exploring her back and he gently started to rub the back of her neck. He gently stirred her head towards his to take a better look at her face.

She looked into his hazelnut eyes and she didn't look away. She let him see her red eyes and her red nose and her heavy breathing would make her chest move up and down.

"Easy now, take a breath. It is ok to be sad and angry right now. Why are you trying so hard to hide it? It doesn't make you any less powerful".

Amanda scoffed while rolling her eyes. Then she let a small smile on her face and she touched Finn's arm while his palm was now on her cheek wiping a tear. She stopped breathing heavily and she was finally starting to calm down.

Fin was still staring in her eyes, studying her face. "If you want to talk you know I'm here for you right?" he told her while sending her a warm , understanding look that made her feel comfortable enough to share her feelings with him.

She smiled at him and nodded. He rubbed her cheekbone with tenderness and narrowed his eyes. "And we could start with the fact that you're a softball coach and I didn't know about it. What's with that?" he joked.

She wiped another tear with her sleeve, swallowed and began to explain, "Well I was a pro softball player before I became a cop. I've been playing since I could walk, actually. I played throughout my school years, then I got a scholarship and played college softball and a little bit after that." she revealed.

"Oh, good to know." He said while shaking his head. "Were you any good?" She chuckled and gave him a witty look. "The best; and I've got a shit-load of trophies to prove it." She bragged.

"Wow I guess I've been riding with a legend" he joked. "So why did you give that up?". Fin caught himself being really curious about Amanda's life before she moved in New York. He could sense there was a lot to learn about her and he was looking forward to it.

"Ugh, I had a car accident and it was really difficult to get back in shape after it. Amongst the other injuries, I broke my pitching hand all the way up to the shoulder. I was lucky to be alive, really. I guess it wasn't meant to be. So, here I am today," she shrugged.

"Not a lot of people know about it; you're one of the very few who do. Well, the only one in New York." Their eyes met again and they just starred at each other for a few seconds without talking.

There was something more she wasn't telling and Fin knew it, so he decided to give it a try and ask her. "Why do I get the feeling that this case didnt only upset you cause you knew this girl? He looked at her in a puzzled frown.

He was concerned and really anxious to hear Amanda's answer. He didn't wanna believe Amanda had more pressing reasons to relate to Erica and he hoped he was just reading too much into this matter.

She jammed her hands in her back-pockets and continued, "I don't know, it's just that I can see myself in her you know? She was supposed to have a bright future and she has been trying so hard against all odds to do well, get out of that neighbourhood, away from her family and make something out of herself. But there is always something…..someone holding us back." She let that sink in and added, "God works in mysterious ways huh? Life isn't always fair to those who deserve it."

Fin didn't make a sound and instead he tried to interpret her words. "Do you know what it is like to be struggling to achieve things other people take for granted?" she asked him. "And instead of getting help from people that are supposed to care about you, you get held back?"

This was the first time Fin got to hear Amanda talk about her past and he was puzzled by the things she was revealing so far. He wasn't sure what she was trying to say just yet but he was positive it was something that has been tormenting her for too long and it shocked him to see how well she could mask her pain.

'Well I did grow up in the hood so yeah I kinda get what you mean. Is that what happened to you? Did anyone in your life mistreat you? Did someone in your past cut your wings? "He rubbed her arm showing her she was safe and she could tell him anything.

As she took a deep breath and began to open up to him even more, someone knocked on the door and cut their conversation off at the most important part. It was more than obvious that Amanda had something more specific to share with him and he was dying to find out what it was cause it sounded really important.

He was irritated by this interruption and he would love to pick up from where they left their conversation but it was wiser to let things be for now.

"I guess I should go now." He announced. "This is the ladies room after all. I don't wanna get in trouble for being here. You just take your time and come out when you re ready ok?".

He gave her a warm smile and started walking out the door and she gazed straight in his hazelnut eyes and gave him a genuine smile.

"And hey, I would like to finish this discussion we started whenever you feel like it" , he added , wishing Amanda wasn't gonna go hide in her shell again and pretend that this conversation never happened.

With mingled feelings of embarrassment and relief Amanda looked at him and promised that they would talk again when they had the chance. It was almost like she was hoping deep inside that Fin would urge her to talk about the things she had in her heart.

She realized how desperately she needed a shoulder to cry on all these years and Fin was becoming the closest person in her life right now. She felt surprisingly comfortable around him and she could tell he was the right person to trust. He had been there for her before and he was there for her now too.

She wasn't used to being taken care off and it was a wonderful feeling. One that she didn't wanna get used to, for fear that it might not last for long.

She looked at her image in the mirror one last time, took a deep breath and followed Fin out of the bathroom.


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4

When Amanda and Fin returned from the bathroom, Liv walked towards them, confused and frustrated and asked them if they had seen Erica cause she was nowhere to be found. The two detectives were shocked and immediately started searching for the abused girl all over the precinct.

Liv suggested they should check the ladies room just in case Erica felt sick or had to use the bathroom and Fin was quick to answer that they just exited the ladies room and Erica wasn't in there.

The blonde detective froze at the sound of Fin's words and she hoped Liv was too frustrated to notice how Fin had just admitted that he was in the ladies room accompanied by Amanda. Fortunately Liv was indeed too busy to notice it and Amanda nodded at Fin with a sign of relief.

They figured that Erica was probably too scared to go through with this and she run away trying to put all this behind her and not make things more complicated for her and her family. She lost her courage and decided not to press charges, since he knew where she lived and his friends could hurt her and her family if he found out she went to the police.

She didn't wanna take that risk so she decided to let it go and move on with her life. Liv thought they should call her or even visit her at her house to assure her that they would be by her side every step of the way but knowing about her family status Amanda didn't approve of that strategy.

Erica's mother wasn't just a protective, conservative mother raising her daughters on her own. She was a demanding parent who was controlling her daughters; suffocating them and pushing them too much to achieve things and meet her expectations. She could even blame Erica for letting this happen and kick her out of the house.

"So what are we supposed to do now? Sit here and let that bastard get away with it? Liv protested.

"There might be another way. Let me see what I can do ok? I'll try to talk to her in private" Amanda replied.

Lin insisted. "Amanda, no offense, but…."

"Liv, this is our only shot." Amanda politely interrupted her. "If i can't convince her to change her mind it can't be done, ok?"

"Fine, take a shot but I think this isn't enough. We need to take more drastic actions and we need to start now if we wanna have a chance at getting this guy. The clock is ticking." Liv stated, trying to make Amanda aware of the importance of this matter.

"I know her, Liv. She doesn't react well under pressure. And if her mother finds out, it will destroy her life. Erica knows that and she might have already made up her mind. Not all kids have supportive parents, Liv, you don't know what that feels like." Amanda lowered the volume of her voice.

Liv scoffed and leaned on her desk. "Trust me, I know all about that. I've had my fair share of family drama."

Amanda narrowed her eyes and frowned trying to process this brand new information. Before she was able to ask for further details Liv got up from her desk, and headed towards the Captain's office.

Up until then, Liv had never shared anything about her family with her and it took Amanda by surprise to find out that Liv may have had a tough childhood. Amanda was really curious to know more about the enigmatic brunette but this wasn't the time to do it.

That same afternoon Amanda held a training session. It wasn't a regular, scheduled training session but it was a good excuse for Amanda to meet Erica outside the precinct and away from home and try to talk to her. Plus she wanted to have a talk with the rest of the girls and try to learn more about that man. It was highly unlikely that her team-mates didn't know anything. Erica was always close with the rest of the girls, so there had to be some boys-talk in the restroom, and she may have brought him up once or twice.

Erica didn't show up at practice and Amanda was really disappointed and didn't know how she would be able to contact Erica without having to visit her at home. Her cell phone has been disconnected ever since she stormed out of the precinct that morning and if her memory served her correctly she didn't have a home number.

The training went well and all the players went straight to the locker rooms to pick up their stuff. Amanda walked in and congratulated the girls for working so hard on the pitch. The girls were cheering and chatting and Amanda thought it was the right time to try to start a conversation with the girls and find out who that guy was and if Erica was ever gonna come back.

"Alright ladies, listen up. I need y'all to hear me out here and I need you to pay attention to me ok? Amanda was wearing her softball kit and didn't look much older that her 16 year old players. It was white with pink sleeves and the big pink letters on her back that said 'COACH' was the only thing that distinguished her amongst the girls.

"You are big girls now and we've all agreed that I would always be straight forward with you and treat you like adults from the start right?

The girls were suspiciously quiet as if and they already knew what Amanda wanted to ask them. They would give each other some guilty glances and Amanda was absolutely certain they were a lot more aware of the situation than she thought.

"You know what happened to Erica right? And you know that this is a deep scar that will take a long time to heal right? What happened to her may destroy her life."

The girls nodded and one of the girls decided to speak. "Erica is gone. She quit the team. She told me herself."

Erica's best friend, Anita, was quiet and she avoided staring at Amanda.

"We knew he was bad news but Erica gave him the attention he wanted and he got obsessed with her. We would see him waiting for her when training was over and sometimes even after school. He wouldn't take no for an answer. He was always kinda creepy and his friends looked dangerous. I tried to tell Erica he wanted more from her than she would be willing to offer but I guess she didn't make him as a bad guy. We're so sorry for what he did to her."Another girl added.

Amanda froze at the sound of these words. He kept repeating them inside her head: "He waited for her after the training sessions". She couldn't believe he was that close to her and she didn't see him being close to Erica all this time. How could she have missed him?

She tried not to look shocked in front of the girls and she ended the discussion after telling them that they'll have a long talk about men and sex after this issue with Erica was solved. Amanda realized that he could be there today as well, in case he didn't know Erica stayed home.

The blonde waited until the girls left and decided to wait in her car to see if he would show up. Amanda was evidently finished with trying to be reasonable and she wasn't at all interested in following the law. She was absolutely sure that Erica quit the team to avoid meeting her and everyone else who would try to talk her into going to the police again.

Her mother has always been against Erica playing softball so she would be thrilled to see her focus on her lessons instead of wasting time on sports. Therefore, if Amanda casually showed up at her door to talk to Erica, her mother would ask her to leave her daughter alone. This fight was obviously lost. That son of a bitch was free as a bird and this thought tormented Amanda.

She didn't have to wait too long. A few minutes later an unidentified male got out of a car. Three more young men were in the same car. Amanda immediately checked the license plate and wrote down the number.

Once the man saw that practice was over and all the girls had left he returned to his car but before he got in he noticed Anita, one of the players and Erica's best friend, waiting for the bus at the bus stop nearby. He saw her standing there and walked towards her.

Amanda was sitting on the edge of her seat, ready to take action if he attempted to harm her. He seemed to be asking her about Erica and when she refused to answer him he twisted her arm and she screamed while trying to get away from him.

"Jermaine stop it you're hurting me", she yelled.

Amanda jumped out of her car and she grabbed her softball bat on her way out. She walked straight up to him and while he couldn't see her coming she hit him with the bat on the back of his head. Anita run away like Amanda told her to do. He dropped on the ground and he was in a lot of pain when suddenly Amanda stroke him again,this time on his face. She grabbed his chin, brought his face close to hers and she whispered in his ear.

"Pick someone of your own size next time you decide to act tough, kid".

"Who the hell are you bitch?" he snapped and tried to free himself from her tight grip.

"You know exactly who i am so drop the dumb act honey. What's important is that I know who you are now, Jermaine. You've been a regular visitor from what I hear! Are you a softball fan too? Did you wanna ask for an autograph cause it would be my pleasure to give you one right now. A very personal autograph other fans would kill for", she told him and she punched him on the face.

It was then that his friends saw what happened and drove away from the location as fast as they could. They were not gonna risk being seen with him especially after what he had done to Erica. They were certain he was gonna go down and they didn't wanna go down with him.

"Looks like you re on your own now tough guy" she joked.

He tried to release himself from her arm and he pushed her against a parked car behind them. She felt a penetrating pain on her abdomen but she managed to stand on her feet and before he had the chance to recuperate from his own wounds she abruptly grabbed him by his jacket and kicked him hard again and again until he couldn't stand on his feet.

"If you wanna do this again you know where to find me. In the meantime keep your hands off my girls or else next time we meet I will have my hands on my gun instead of my bat." Her authoritative tone scared Jermaine and he remained silent until she was in a safe distance from him.

She walked away from him, walked to her truck and got in. As she sat on the seat a deep pain cut her breath and she grabbed her ribs with her hand leaving a deep sigh of pain. She started the engine and drove away.


	5. Chapter 5

It was 7 am and Fin was on his way to pick Amanda up from her house. Since they became partners they agreed to drive to work together and today it was his turn to take his car. It worked well for both of them to split the gas expenses this way.

He approached her building and to his surprise Amanda wasn't already there, waiting for him outside her doorstep. He grabbed his cell phone and called her up but her cell was off. He thought it was strange and completely out of pattern.

All this time they knew each other she would rarely have him waiting in the car. She was always ready and anxious to get to work on time. She has always been the first one to come to work and the last one to leave.

He waited in his car and he predicted that it wouldn't be too long till she'd show up exiting her building in a hurry. A couple more minutes passed though and Amanda was nowhere to be found.

He kept checking his cell phone in case he missed a call or a text from her but there was nothing knew he was overreacting but at the same time he felt a strange fear and something didn't feel right inside him. His instinct was telling him that something was wrong. He took a deep breath and snapped out of these scary thoughts.

There was no need to exaggerate. Maybe she was out last night and overslept, or maybe she took the day off and forgot to tell him. After all Amanda was a big girl and totally independent, responsible for her own actions and for all he knew she could have taken the day off to spend it with her boyfriend without informing him. It's not like she had to give him a full report of all her activities outside the office. Especially those activities related to her personal life.

However as much as he tried to convince himself that Amanda wasn't his responsibility a little voice inside his head kept reminding him that he was a big part of Amanda's everyday life these days. If someone had to look out for her, that someone was without a doubt him. She didn't have many friends in New York and working too much was probably an inhibiting factor. She was working too hard and the time she had on her hands to spend it on socializing was limited.

He tried really hard to remember if she ever referred to a boyfriend or a lover and he was almost certain Amanda was single. All these long nights in the same car, on stake-outs, chatting about random things, she never talked about being in a relationship.

Once he put his thoughts in order it all became clear to him. He should at least check on her to make sure she is ok, just like a good friend should do. He figured it was time to call her again, and if she didn't respond to his call this time it would be a good idea to start looking for her and he figured that the best place to start looking was her home. If she was ill or simply not into coming to work today she should be in bed. Plan B would have to be the park in the neighbourhood, where she would go a couple of times a week to exercise.

He knocked on her door twice and called her name. "Amanda, are you in there? It's me Fin come on, open up".

There was no response and he began to wonder what the hell was going on. Fin's heart began hammering as he raised his hand to knock the door for the last time, this time with all his power. An uncontrollable panic got the best of him and he began pounding on the door with both hands.

The door opened and Amanda appeared on the other side and her face gave away her surprise about Fin's sudden visit.

Aware of his obvious anger, she asked cautiously, "Fin, hey, what are you doing here?

His jaw tightened and before he had the chance to calm down he replied in a sharp tone. "Where have you been?"

"Well good morning to you too", she shot back. "Come in." she quickly added, and led Fin in her living room.

Fin was still intense and none of them spoke for a moment. He walked around her living room trying to cool off and Amanda tried to strike up a conversation.

"What's going on? Did I miss anything?" she said.

Before she had the chance to finish her phrase he replied. "Why didn't you tell me you wouldn't come to work today? I was waiting for you in the car thinking about what might have happened to you." He paused for a second but he really wasn't into hearing what she had to say.

"I called in early this morning to ask for the day off and I assumed…"

Before she had the chance to explain he cut her off again and his voice was abrasive.

"No one told me anything so I guess next time you decide to stay home, you can text me so that I don't spend the entire morning calling you on your cell worried sick about you. Not that I didn't enjoy the ride all the way to your house for no reason."

She bit her lip, feeling utterly guilty about causing him so much trouble. She managed to smile and lowered her eyes. She knew she couldn't really put up a fight with him because he was absolutely right to be angry at her. It was wiser for her to admit she was wrong and apologize using all her charm to get away with it.

"I m sorry Fin." She said in a small voice. "I honestly didn't think it through. She admitted. "It was a last minute decision to stay home. I wasn't feeling very well when I got out of bed this morning." She said, raising her blue eyes to face him, trying to assess his face.

He was really cute when he was pissed off. He had wrinkles all over his forehead and pucker lips and he kept his hands in is knew his body language rally well and he knew this was his way of expressing how he disturbed he was.

"Yeah I bet you haven't been feeling really well since yesterday" he replied in a serious tone.

She leaned against the kitchen counter and she stood there like a little kid who knows it's in trouble.

"Look, you think you can keep a poker face and fool everyone around you but I think I know you a little bit better than this, don't you think?" he said.

At that point, she started to suspect he knew about her "friendly encounter" with Jermaine the previous day and she tried to explain but he cut her off once again, which, by the way, was something she wasn't accustomed to.

"The moment Erica's case went south I knew you weren't gonna give up and that you would probably take the law into your own hands, so as you can probably guess, when i came over and didn't find you waiting for me, the worst thoughts flooded my head. For all I knew you could have been dead or hurt or even…"

He couldn't let the word "rapped" come out of his mouth. After all these years in the svu he thought he had become completely comfortable talking about these things but he had never thought something like this could happen to someone he knew. He paused, flushed uncomfortably, licked his lips, and looked the other way trying to avoid making eye contact with her.

Ever since Olivia got assaulted on the job he promised himself he wouldn't let this happen again. Liv got lucky back then and Fin have always though about what could have happened had he not been there on time to save her. He didn't even wanna think about something like this ever happening to Amanda.

He finally managed to regain his composure and pick the right words to say.

"You saw what he did to Erica. What made you think you could fight against a six feet tall guy by yourself?". His voice became softer again. After all his intention wasn't to bully her or trash her. He just wanted her to be more careful, acknowledge her physical limits and stay in her league.

Amanda thought of many things she could tell him. That she is a grown woman who can take care of herself, an experienced cop who can deal with creeps like that without any help from a man and many other things. However, she decided to let him finish without interrupting him sine he looked really frustrated.

Fin leaned against her fridge taking the space he needed to relax; the room was quiet for a few minutes. She walked away from him, stood by the window in the living room and turned her gaze towards the view outside her apartment. As she walked to the other side of the room Fin laid his eyes on her and for the first time ever since he stormed into her apartment he actually gave her a persistent look.

He took his time to observe her body from head to toe while she was standing there by the window and he had a magnificent view from where he was standing. She had a stunning figure that easily gave away her athletic background.

He initially gazed at her face and her hair and after a while his gaze dropped below her neck. He never had the chance to see her wearing so little clothing before, so it was basically the first time he would see her skin below her neck. She was dressed in a tiny white shirt that revealed her muscled shoulders and forearms and complimented her broad, toned chest.

The shirt was barely able to cover her belly and he could see that she had a narrow waist and a tight masculine belly. As his eyes travelled below her waist he noticed the tiny shorts she was wearing and how they left her well shaped legs exposed. He couldn't remember the last time, if there was one at all, he had seen her in a skirt or a dress so this was definitely the first time he would see her long, thin but at the same time toned legs exposed.

He paid a lot attention to her thighs and as he brought his gaze above the waist again he made a stop at her firm breasts. Her skin was milky-white underneath her clothes; all those hidden corners of her body that the rays of the sun couldn't reach captured him and he was mesmerized by her natural beauty.

Her skin was glowing as if it was made of silk and her eyes were bright blue like the colour of the water of an exotic beach. This is how Amanda's beauty seemed to be in Fin's eyes; exotic.

He had met a lot of women in his life and he certainly had his fair share of lovers but he had never paid attention in the figure of a white woman, therefore this was an unprecedented spectacle and this experience was fascinating to him. He was never attracted to white women and he always preferred to date women of colour like himself.

White colour seemed to be dull and unattractive to him, but the thoughts inside his head, the desires that awakened made him feel uncomfortable and made it clear that no matter how hard he tried to stop it he couldn't see his partner the way he used to anymore.

Something had changed and he couldn't go back to how things were before. As she looked away from the window he immediately took his eyes off of her before she had the chance to catch him staring at her.

He was hungry for more though, so every time she would look the other way he would stare at her with that penetrating look and admire her loks. He didn't know how it happened or when exactly it started happening but Fin was falling in love and he was falling fast.


	6. Chapter 6

She brushed her hair with her fingers, and hid her face behind her big blonde bang. _"I'm sorry"_, she whispered. _"I'm sorry I acted on my own and didn't think about the consequences."_

"_No…I m sorry i barged in here like a villain and I'm really sorry for making a scene. I was very disrespectful."_ he uttered.

He looked around the house, scanning the other rooms for a minute and then added, _"You can tell your boyfriend I'm truly sorry for my behaviour."_

He apologized as he walked towards her and stood right in front of her, so close that their toes were almost touching.

"_I don't….have a boyfriend, so…don't worry bout it ok?",_ she whispered as she forced a slight smile on her lips."_I guess I'm so used to being on my own that I didn't realize there're still people who care if I live or die, you know? I m a wolf without a wolf pack…I guess"_, she said and looked up into his eyes as her eyes were starting to tear up.

This was the second time Fin has seen Amanda vulnerable and broken and it hurt him so much to see how lonely she felt. She deserved a lot better; she deserved to have people to take care of her, a man to hold her in his arms at night, making her feel safe and appreciated.

Fin turned liquid inside, looked into her eyes and he couldn't help but repeat her words about not being involved with someone in his head. He wasn't proud to be having these shallow, egoistic thoughts while his partner was heartbroken, lonely and miserable, but at the same he felt an unexplainable pleasure in finally knowing her relationship status.

Maybe he felt confident to be the only man in her life and maybe deep inside he felt like a lone wolf himself and not being the only one was comforting him.

He and Amanda had one more thing in common and this connection that was developing so effortlessly between them felt so natural and inevitable that it satisfied him but overwhelmed him at the same time. It was highly unlikely that Amanda wasn't feeling that same warmth when he was around her and he wished he could see inside her head instead of trying to figure her out judging only by her reactions.

For a moment he really felt the urge to hug her and keep her in his arms, feel her warmth against his body, wipe her tears with his kiss; he needed a hug just as much as she did, but he resisted this impulse simply because he didn't feel like he was authorized to get this physical with her. Except for some innocent occasional grabs he has never been physically effusive towards her and he didn't want her to think he was trying to take advantage of her vulnerability.

She was standing really close to him, making it impossible for him to think straight, but he managed to remain unaffected and he simply patted her consolingly. She seemed to respond well to this sign of affection so he touched her forearm and caressed her; grabbed her other arm as well and brought her right in front of him.

As he stirred her body to his direction, she flinched showing a sign of pain and knowing he probably noticed it and that it wouldn't be too long before he started asking questions she walked over to the kitchen and offered to make some breakfast, which was just an excuse to keep herself busy.

"_Hey since you're here and everything, you wanna have some breakfast? Have you eaten anything today?",_ she suggested, trying to change the subject.

Fin was well aware that she was injured but he pretended he hasn't noticed it yet and decided to play along until she would voluntarily share it with him. He couldn't afford to start another fight right now.

"_No I haven't had any, now that I think about it",_ he chuckled_. "I was planning on grabbing some on the way to work like we do every day."_

She nodded at him while she walked over to the fridge, grabbed some bacon and began slicing it into small pieces.

_"Well I can't promise you I have all the ingredients for a proper breakfast but I can guarantee you, that I will make us something tasty, don't worry bout it. My nana Sophia made a decent cook out of me.", she stated._

She was deliberately chatting about random things to distract him and Fin still let her think she was succeeding cause he was very interested to find out more about her life.

"_Nana? You mean grandma?"_ he replied with a sassy grin on his face, and she responded with a witty glance.

"_Yes Fin, that's correct. My grandma taught me how to cook; she told me that every decent lady should know how to cook. I thank her everyday for being persistent about it, otherwise I would be feeding entirely on fast food.",_ she joked.

"_It sounds like you really loved her. Were you close?"_ he asked.

"_Yes I really loved her and I still do! She is alive and kicking"_, she bragged and her face lit up indicating that her grandma has been a very special person in her life. Fin was genuinely happy and relieved to find out that Amanda had someone in her life who loved her.

"_No kidding? How old is she anyway?"_

"_She is not that old. She is only 73 years old."_

"_73 years old? You mean you have a grandma who is only a few years older than Munch?, _he chucked._"You should tell him that , but i wanna be there too to see his reaction."_

"_I know right?" _, she laughed_, "I'm not a fan of clichés but southern folks do start their family in a pretty young age. It is what it is."._ She admitted and she shrugged her shoulders.

"_So i guess she is not thrilled to see that you haven't followed her footsteps yet. She ever asked what's taking you so long?" _Fin felt like he was crossing the line, violating her personal life, getting into this really delicate matter and he knew that Amanda had every right to change the subject before it became too personal_._

"_I mean compared to her standards. I'm not implying you're too old or anything. Don't get me wrong here."_ He looked at her with a look on his face that gave away his regret.

"_Wow ok! Well thank God I know how you say things cause any random woman would have cursed on you, if you said that to her face!"_

They both chuckled and Fin felt both like a moron but also flattered that Amanda had gotten to know him that well. It was a small reward for him to know that the woman he was beginning to root for, paid attention to him and knew his personality.

"_You know it takes a bit longer to make a family when you're living in a city full of strangers and you spend all day solving cases about rape. It certainly makes you lose all trust in men, and hope in love." _she said and her voice got low-pitched.

She took a defensive pose and decided to give him a real answer and she tried to be honest and objective but also not to reveal too much about herself .

"_I guess I am not the mother type. I haven't felt the urge to become a mother yet and I highly doubt I ever will. Some of us girls aren't built with mother instincts you know?",_ she forced a smile on her face, grabbed the slices of bacon and moved over to the cooker.

Fin wasn't sure if being reluctant about becoming a mother had anything to do with the fact that she wasn't getting any closer to starting a family or if it had a deeper meaning. She sounded pessimistic but he detected she was repelling the whole idea of motherhood.

There was a lot more to this blondie than she let everyone see and he was willing to make the effort to scratch the surface and look deeper. However that wasn't the right time cause these two had unfinished business and Fin saw it was about time he asked for some answers about her injury she was hiding so well.

Fin slowly walked towards her and he stood really close to her in the tiny space of her kitchen.

"_Why don't you let me do this and you go lay down a little bit. You've been standing for too long. Your ribs must be killing you.",_ he suggested and waited for an answer while she was doing everything she could to avoid it.

She opened the fridge and began searching - or pretending to be searching - for some cheese.

"_I need to re arrange my cupboards cause this is really ridiculous. I could have sworn there was a big slice of cheese in there."_ her voice was low pitched and her accent got heavier as it would often happen when she would use certain words or be in a certain mood.

"_You missed it; it is right theerrrrre! "_ Fin quickly shot back at her, imitating her accent in an excessive way.

"_Excuse me, what did you say?"_ she replied and big expression lines showed on her forehead. _"You did not just make fun of my accent!" _She lifted her eyebrows and placed her hand on her waist.

"_Oh so I see your ears work just fine huh?",_ he responded with an ironic tone in his voice implying that he was still waiting for a answer to his question about her ribs; the one she conveniently ignored.

_"Oh that? I'm fine Fin.I slipped in the bath tab this morning. That's all there is to it. This is why I asked for the day off. As it turns out though it wasn't as serious as I thought it would be. In fact I may ride to work with you as planned. Oh here it is!I found the cheese!" _she exclaimed.

"_Look, I wasn't born yesterday ok? In fact, I was on the job when you were learning how to read. I can tell you are lying. It is written all over your face, so drop it ok? You couldn't act stupid if your life depended on it. I didn't make a big deal out of this cause I didn't wanna disrespect you but you're disrespecting me now by hiding the truth like I'm that naive."_

Amanda stood there defensively with her feet crossed while leaning on the counter. Fin kept his hands on his belt and didn't move at all. She knew there was a lecture coming and she blamed herself for not hiding her pain better. She had it coming and Fin had every right to be pissed.

"_That little bitch hit you, right?" _

Wrinkles creased Amanda's forehead and she raised an eyebrow. _"Where are you basing that statement on?"_ She mumbled.

He frowned and crossed his hands on his chest, letting his ironic expression do the job.

"_Ok…Fin…ok we got into a fight; I kicked his head in and I messed up my ribs in the process. I know It was too risky and it could have been a lot worse if he was in a mood for a fight. I got it. I just couldn't let him get away with this and move on to the next girl. He has so much nerve coming back to practice after what he had done. I had to teach him a Erica's help we have no case is pissing me off!"_

_Why didn't you call me? I could have been there to help you." He said in a serious tone._

"_You've already been there for me too many times in the past. I refuse to become a burden in your life, Fin. You re not obligated to look after me like I'm some sort of an orphan puppy." She cried out._

_Who told you that you're a burden? Did I ever do anything to make you feel unwanted?_

"_No you haven't , that's the point. I can't be taking advantage of your kindness all the time. I'm not the type of woman who uses men. I don't feel comfortable dragging you into all my issues. First the gambling problem, then Kim and now this. It's too much."_

"_For all the times I have been there for you, you've been there for me too. Don't think I will forget your help when Alejandro was in the hospital. You wouldn't know how much I needed someone to be there for me. Just because I never told you it doesn't mean I didn't value your to mention your help with the investigation. Lying to Munch to cover for me."_

"_I never thought about it as paying you back for helping me Fin; I want you to know that. I did it cause I wanted to do it."_

"_I know that. It never crossed my mind that you only cared cause you owed me. I know you better than that.", _he whispered.

"_Yes you do." _She noted and she smiled at him.

He felt so warm inside and he wanted to end this discussion as soon as possible, before he would melt like a snowman under the sun in front of her.

He wanted to hug her so much and this was the right time to do it. As he leaned over to her side, she didn't move, as if she anticipated his hug.

He extended his hands and gently placed his arms around her shoulders. He didn't want to grab her by the waist; that would have been inappropriate so he folded his hands around her arms and let her rest her face on his shoulder for a few seconds. She didn't fight him off and instead she folded her hands around his waist. She needed this hug just as much as he did and he could feel that she surrendered to his arms. He tilted his head, rested it on hers and he took a smell of her hair.

He felt butterflies all over his stomach and Amanda couldn't hide her emotional state either. That hug affected her and she had tears in her eyes while breathing peacefully now.

After a few seconds Fin thought it was a good idea not to drag this out so he decided to let go of her. He unfolded his hands and as she was moving away from his hug he caressed her cheek with affection. She smiled at him and it was more than obvious that she didn't mind his touch at all.

Fin didn't wanna get his hopes up just yet since it wasn't a clear sign of attraction. It could have easily been a sign that Amanda was seeing him as a valuable friend so he tried not to let his crush show just yet.

It was undeniably a very emotionally intense moment they shared and she couldn't believe how much she opened up about things that she hasn't even admitted to herself.

Fin on the other hand had never shared his thoughts with her before and he wasn't panning to do it but seeing how much she blamed herself for the trouble she has caused him, made him think twice. It was really therapeutic for both of them to talk openly and it certainly made Amanda feel a lot better knowing that she wasn't as much of a nuisance as she thought she was in Fin's life. Fin made it clear he wanted to become a part of her life and she was more than happy to let him in.


	7. Chapter 7

A couple more days passed and it was finally Christmas Eve. It was the time to celebrate, eat delicious food, and enjoy spending time with the family. The city was beautiful and the New Yorkers were in a festive and jolly mood. Unfortunately, that wasn't the case for Amanda. Unlike most people, Amanda couldn't wait for the holiday season to be over. She could barely remember the last time she was actually happy at Christmas time.

The last pleasant memory she could recall was from eighteen years ago when the whole family was together, before her sister was diagnosed and before her father dearest walked out on them and took her mom's heart with him.

Amanda still remembers that great year down to the last detail. Things were actually good back then and just like that, in a blink of an eye, their whole life changed. The image of her mom waiting for her dad to come home for Christmas dinner is still so vivid in Amanda's head. It was almost as if she knew he wasn't gonna come back.

Looking out the window at the snow falling Amanda brought back to her memory the day she witnessed her life falling apart.

The table was all set, Amanda and Kim were excited about their presents under the tree, and it was time to sit down and enjoy the delicious turkey. Her father, Johnny, was missing all day and it was more than obvious that he was gone for good. The girls were too young to understand but her mom, Sophia, knew he had no intention of coming back.

After that, things took a turn for the worse. Her mom never got over it and that look in her eyes kept reminding her daughters that no matter how much they tried to cheer her up she didn't have any reason to live anymore. Kim took it the hardest and it wasn't too long before her condition escalated. Deep inside she blamed herself for not being good enough for her daddy to stay. She felt responsible and since she was only thirteen years old, she couldn't fully comprehend the whole situation.

As for Amanda, she was the strongest one, therefore she had to grow up as fast as she could, even if this meant sacrificing her own life and setting her own needs and issues aside. She had a lot more on her plate than any other teenage girl and more pressing matters to deal with than the typical struggles that come with adolescence. Amanda was just fifteen years old trying to understand what went wrong in their lives. She felt broken, abandoned and desperate for even a shred of love and affection.

However, there was no time to be weak and needy. She quickly became the man of the family, in charge of the entire household, while supporting both Kim and her mom. She was an A student who never caused any kind of trouble at school, quiet and obedient and all her teachers spoke very highly of her.

Meanwhile Kim was a troublemaker, skipping school and hanging out with the worst kids at school. It wasn't long until she started smoking and shortly after that she started doing drugs. Slipping out of the house at night was one of the habits she developed that drove Amanda insane and every single night the blonde had to sleep with one eye open, praying that her sister would come home in one piece.

Amanda did everything she could to help her change her ways and forcing her to stop socializing with total losers was the main cause of all their fights. She was parenting Kim while her mother was still living in the past, totally in denial and expecting their father to return home soon.

The blonde has always been the daddy's girl so she really didn't know how to approach her mother and console her, so she thought that the best thing she could do was be a good kid and make her mom's job easier until she would get back on her feet. Unfortunately, that moment never came and as the years went by, Sophia drifted further away from her daughters and there was no hope to form any type of bond with them; there was no connection between the three females of the Rollins family.

Even though her daughter was the staple of her softball team and she was a rising star in the sport, her mom never bothered to come see her play. Till this day Amanda remembers all the other parents being there for their kids, supporting them, cheering for them when they would win and comforting them when they would lose. Amanda was all alone and the reserved seats for her family were always empty and it broke her heart when she had to make excuses for her mom's absence. Her mom was always "busy" or "out of town" but she was totally supportive or enthusiastic about her daughter's triumph in the eyes of the world.

Even when Amanda earned an athletic scholarship to one of the best colleges in the state her mother didn't share the same enthusiasm. Everything her older daughter achieved wasn't enough to make up for all the years she wasted, all the dreams she sacrificed for this family.

Trying to please her mom put a lot of weight on Amanda's shoulders. She became really insecure about herself and her abilities and she never forgave her mother for causing her such a trauma. Instead of helping her shape into a confident woman she let her grow up on her own and figure life out by herself.

After a while Amanda gave up trying to impress her mother and didn't bother trying to live up to her expectations and she finally gave up making excuses for her behaviour. In addition, she was done with being understanding and supportive. She steadily started feeling confident and comfortable in her own skin and luckily she stayed away from trouble throughout high-school and college. She focused on her studies and found her true calling in forensic science and criminology.

When she turned nineteen she finally found out the whole truth about her parents and everything started to make sense. She felt mature enough to have this conversation and she was determined to find out everything there was to know about her family and her grandma was the right person to ask. Her grandma Faith was probably the most influential and the only supportive person in Amanda's life and she became a safe haven for Amanda and a shelter to seek protection and guidance even though she lived half an hour away from her grandchildren.

Her grandma hadn't been on speaking terms with her daughter for over a decade and she only started to warm up to her when Johnny left his family and the girls needed her support.

She asked her grandma Faith about her mom and dad and the more she learned about their history the clearer it became to her that her family was built on a weak foundation.

Contrary to her beliefs, her mom and dad weren't thrilled to become parents. They were just two sixteen year old kids who fell in love and lived their love to the fullest without caring about the consequences of their actions. They were too young and immature and before they knew it their dreams were crushed. Sophia was pregnant and it wasn't what neither of them had bargained for.

They both had dreams and different plans about their future. In addition, they were only dating for a few months and they hadn't even begun to plan a life together. The rest of the story was typical. They both got kicked out of their parents' house and the last words that came out of Amanda's grandfather's mouth were:

"_You were old enough to make this baby Johnny, so you are old enough to raise it on your own_".

Johnny could no longer count on his parents for support and Sophia's family was just as harsh on the two love-birds. Faith demanded they got married as a desperate attempt to salvage what was left of Sophia's dignity and reputation but even after the wedding she never accepted them and refused to provide them with any help.

Therefore, Sophia and Johnny were all alone and they had to build a life on their own. The weight on their shoulders was too heavy and the future they both dreamed of was good as gone. Sophia thought about having an abortion too many times but she was deeply religious, so she couldn't go through with it.

January 20th 1981, the day Amanda was born was bound to be the day her parents kissed their old life good bye. Two years later another daughter was born and her father wasn't thrilled at all with having another girl. He was hoping he could at least have a son but things didn't turn out the way he wanted. Kim's arrival only made things worse for the already troubled family.

There was no room in the trailer park they lived in and absolutely no money to afford a bigger place. Apart from the lack of space and basic accommodations, their little house never became a real both didn't wanna be there and they made it obvious with everything they would do or say.

When Amanda found out about how she was brought in this world she was in shock and she finally read between the lines. She was old enough then to understand her dad's disappointment. He was tied up to a life full of responsibilities while men of his age where living a carefree life full of new experiences.

It didn't come as no surprise to Amanda that her dad was fed up with his life and wanted to leave. It all made sense to her. The fights, the profoundly depressed look in her mother's eyes, her dad spending most of his time away from their house;these were all clear signs of a broken home.

Not having a boy was another disappointment for him and she had tried with all her powers to be the son he never had.

She grew up watching football games with him and playing soccer, and she would often keep him company at work at a local garage. She knew more about cars then most guys did and she didn't realize how much of her feminine properties she was sacrificing just to prove to her dad that she was better than any son he could ever have.

However, despite her great efforts to please him, her dad walked out of that door that Christmas Eve and didn't look back.

An angrily honk car horn from one of the drivers behind her interrupted her trip down her memory lane and brought the blonde back to reality. Amanda wiped her teary eyes with her sleeve and struggled to shake all these thoughts about her life and her childhood that could have been a lot better, off her head.

Being stuck in heavy traffic gave her a lot of free time to sit back in her seat and reminisce. She was riding solo since Fin had a shift the night before and he was already at work, sleepy, waiting impatiently for an espresso that she promised she would bring him.

The city was beautiful this time of the year. The view was breathtaking, covered with snow, decorated with all those Christmas ornaments.

She was really enjoying her stay in the big apple; it took her quite a while to acclimate and learn how to navigate through this concrete jungle, but driving around at work helped her a lot and she could always ask one of the guys at work for help. Nick had helped her a lot and he was better at monitoring the city than a GPS device. He knew all the streets of Manhattan like the back of his hand and he was more than willing to share his knowledge with her.

She checked her watch to look at the time, as she had done not more than a minute ago. Time was flying and she was running late for work. She didn't wanna keep Fin waiting since the two of them were gonna be the only detectives on duty that day.

Nick was in DC visiting his family, making one last effort to reconcile with his wife and become a real family again.

Liv was off to the Bahamas with her significant other and Munch had been talking about his trip to France all week. He flew to Paris the previous night and promised he would return with gifts for everyone. Inevitably, Amanda would have her hands full and being late on top of it was a bad start.

Fin would leave early from work to get ready cause he was invited to have dinner with his son and his fiancé at their house and he couldn't refuse their invitation even though he was really tired and this would be the official "meet and greet" between Fin and his future son in law. That time when they met in the hospital when Alejandro was attacked didn't really count and Ken wanted this to be a formal family gathering.

A Santa Claus ringing his bell wishing everyone "a merry Christmas and a happy new year" walked right by her car. Right behind him there was a store with flashing light bulbs on its front window. The scenery was dreamy and every person on earth probably wished to travel to New York on Christmas time and experience the festive atmosphere.

Despite the promise she made to herself that moving from Atlanta would be a fresh start that would erase the past, she still couldn't get rid of her past memories. She didn't succeed in leaving her past behind after all. One of the things that reminded her of who she was and where she was coming from was her own car. The truck her favourite grandma had gifted her when she became eighteen right before she left for college.

She loved this car since it reminded her of her grandma, who was probably the only person in her life that loved her unconditionally, and she decided to take it with her to New York. She couldn't bare the thought of leaving it behind. It was one of the very few things she held dearly in her heart.

At the next red sign, she saw a mother with her three children crossing the street; one of them was dressed as a reindeer, and a small smile appeared at the line of her mouth. This moment of joy only lasted a few seconds and it was almost as if something inside the blonde forced her to stop smiling. She was almost feeling guilty for letting the Christmas spirit get to wasn't ready to embrace this holiday just yet but then again there was always next year to do that.

She sighed with frustration and finally accepted the fact that she would definitely be late for work no matter how hard she tried to avoid it. Therefore, she decided to turn the radio on to take her mind off the nerve racking traffic jam and the stupid holiday that caused it.

The sound of Waylon Jennings' velvet voice reached her ear and instead of relaxing her it reminded her more of her past. The song's title was "Amanda",and that song was where she got her name from, since her dad was such a huge country fan. He took pride in the fact that he had Johnny Cash's name and he wanted his offspring to have a special country name like his. He was aiming for a son and he would most definitely name him "Sue" but since he got a daughter he decided that "Amanda" was the perfect name for her.

Their love for old country music was the one, and probably the only thing, Amanda and her father had in common.

_"Great! Exactly what I needed right now! To be reminded of him. Ugh! The Lord is testing me"_ She yelled in despair. _"Come on!"_ She yelled at the driver in front of her who was slowing her down and she pushed her car horn nervously.

She hadn't listened to this song for a really long time, mainly cause she knew that she would get emotional and bring him back to her memory, and that was the last thing she wanted to do right now. She extended her hand coyly and switched the radio station feeling guilty as if she had just committed a crime.

At that moment her phone rang and it was Cragen wanting to know what was taking her so long. She picked it up and told him about the rush hour nightmare she was living and she promised she would be right there hoping that he would understand.

After spending over an hour an a half on the road she pulled in the parking lot, grabbed her things from the passengers' seat and the box with the donuts and the cups of coffee and dashed to the precinct.


	8. Chapter 8

**previous chapter : Amanda is stuck in traffic calls to inform her captain that she is running late**

Cragen hang up the phone and stood up from his chair, put both his hands in his pockets and looked out the window behind his desk.

Donald has always been a lonely man ever since he lost his wife, and since then his life hasn't been the same. He didn't attempt to remarry and instead of trying to build a new family, he married the job which became his top priority. His devotion to his job was the reason why his marriage had some rocky moments and why he and his wife didn't make a family.

When he was finally ready to become a parent his wife had a miscarriage and this tragic moment scarred them forever. The loss of their unborn daughter was something that none of them managed to forget.

His biggest regret is that he gave up too easily and didn't try to have a child after that unfortunate miscarriage. There were a lot of things he didn't do in his marriage, in his life, maybe cause he always thought there would be enough time down the road.

The sudden death of his wife was the biggest shock he has ever experienced and one that he still hasn't fully recovered from. She left him all alone and no other woman managed to fill her shoes. She was the only one who made him think about being a father and the fact that she didn't get the chance to give him a child, something hers to have and remind him of her, is tormenting him till this day. Especially in such occasions like the holiday season when families get together, Cragen couldn't help but feel like life has passed him by.

He has been systematically avoiding staying home on the holidays all these years and this year it was no different. Some hard work would hopefully help him take his mind off his loneliness and would make this day pass as quickly as possible.

He took his wallet out of his pocket and as he opened it he starred at her picture. There it was; a picture of him and Marge together from over thirty years ago. She was always so beautiful and radiant that even thought this picture was old and worn out, her spirit through her blue eyes was still vibrant.

While he had surrendered to his thoughts he heard voices outside his office and he could tell it was Fin and Rollins chatting. She had arrived at work, fifteen minutes late -which in Rollins' world was equivalent to an hour late -and she was ready to get to work. Cragen opened the drapes of his big window just a little, in order to check on them and his eyes landed on Amanda who was sipping on her cup of coffee.

He stared at her for a while and he kept smiling all that time.

Amanda turned around abruptly, facing his office and saw him smiling with a vacant expression on his face as if he was once again lost in his thoughts. She smiled back and waved at him with her hand holding her coffee cup. He immediately recovered from this sort of narcosis and since he had already made a fool out of himself he saw that he didn't have a choice but to act naturally and wave back at her like a total idiot.

He closed the drapes, sighed, stepped away from the window and leaned on his desk.

"_She looks so much like you…and me"_.

He said out loud and looked back at his wife's picture in his wallet that was still open on his desk, as if he was expecting her reply.

"_She has your eyes and your chin. Although I do believe she has my nose, and, well, my hair, when I has some."_ He laughed at his own joke.

"_You remember that picture of me as a kid? I showed it to you once; I was really blond back then. I always imagined that at least one of our kids would take after me."_

He paused for a minute and added. _"You know what else is weird, honey? Amanda was born in 1981. What a coincidence huh? You know, If I was a conspiracy theorist like my dear friend John, I'd say that we didn't in fact lose our daughter that night. She just got delivered in Georgia and they forgot to ship it back to us." _He forced a laugh but his funny mood was long gone. His imaginary conversation with his wife wasn't amusing any more and he felt lonelier and a lot more pathetic now then he did before.

It was time to put his wallet back in his pocket and return to the cruel reality. It was Christmas Eve and he was all alone, without his wife, without a family to call his own. He had to deal with it and make the best out of this day. He sat at his desk and got back to work.

It was a quiet day in the precinct and eight hours later it was time to go home.

Fin got up from his chair, grabbed his jacket and was ready to leave. He was really quiet and looked nervous all day but Amanda guessed it was probably because he was gonna have Christmas dinner at his son's house like a family and it would be the first official introduction of Alejandro to Fin.

However, the truth was that Fin was really nervous to be around his partner today, not just because of what happened at her house a few days before but also because he really wanted to ask her to join him at his son's house for dinner but he didn't know if it was the right moment to make his move.

He was never an impulsive man but in this case he was eager to get to know Amanda more outside of work and get closer to her. It was too early to attempt to take the next step and approach her in a different way. All he could do for now was take every chance he could get to be near her as a friend.

Under no circumstances should Fin be too forward and pushy and make her feel uncomfortable. She wasn't the type of woman who appreciated being bothered or forced. Getting closer to her would help him figure her out, find out what type of lady she was and how she wanted to be treated. Amanda walked passed him as he was waiting for the elevator to come and he gently got a grip of her arm.

The blond was caught off guard and when she realized it was Fin's hand she turned around, faced him and grinned.

"_I'm off to Ken's house."_ He announced, _"And well Ken insists that you come ove_r for dinner with me, and I am quoting his exact words."

He let it all out without over-thinking it and waited for her response, hoping she would agree to come to his family dinner.

"_Oh wow Fin, I'm really flattered that Ken would invite me to his house but I'm afraid I'm gonna have to decline his invitation. I've got a double shift today remember? Besides Christmas Eve isn't really my favourite time of the year, so I think it would be best if I sit this one out and not ruin it for you guys. I'm not fun to be around on days like this. I'll just spoil the fun." _She told him while her hands were awkwardly playing with her cell phone.

Fin was really disappointed at her decline but he tried not to give up on it just yet.

"_I see; well maybe this is exactly what you need to make this day better for you. You won't gain anything just by sitting here all alone. Maybe some good company will do you good. Unless of course you don't think of me as good company, so in that case I won't insist more." _

"_Come on now don't be silly, that's not what I meant. It's just that I'm not in a mood to party. That's all. But hey we can re-arrange for some other time. Just tell the guys I said hi and…Merry Christmas Fin." _She said and she gently patted his arm.

"Well in that case...Merry Christmas Amanda." He whispered softly and he handed her a small bag. She was caught by surprise, stared in his eyes and blushed. She couldn't believe that he had gone through the trouble of getting her a gift and she felt flattered and embarrassed at the same time since she hadn't bought his anything in return.

He hadn't planned on giving her the gift that way; standing in front of the elevator, being in a hurry. He had thought about the two of them sitting around after Christmas dinner, drinking wine, having a nice time and then maybe he could hand it to her and have the luxury of time to enjoy her reaction.

She un-wrapped it and took in her hands with adoration. It was a book, one of the greatest classic novels of all time; "Anna Karenina" by Leo Tolstoy.

"I saw your book collection at your house the other day and I figured this was the proper gift for you." He explained while she was still in awe of his gesture and the gift itself. The cover was so beautiful; she was a big fan of classic literature and this one was missing from her bookcase as Fin had already deduced after his recent visit at her house.

So many thoughts filled her mind; most of all Amanda was amazed by how much attention Fin had paid her and how well he had her figured out. All these years as a grown woman, dating men, being in relationships, she usually had to point things out for her man, whether it was about a birthday gift or a Valentine 's Day arrangement. She was the one dropping hints to her man about how she wanted to be treated.

Was Fin actually voluntarily listening to her? Did this type of men really exist? After so many years of heartbreaks and break-ups she was convinced that it was extinct.

"Oh my God, Fin this is too much. I feel so bad right now cause I didn't get the chance to get you anything and you did this. Oh wow I 'm too lost for words right now."

Fin was pleased with her enthusiastic reaction and it kinda took away some of the disappointment he felt about her decision not to come with him.

She leaned over to him and out of the blue, without Fin anticipating it she gave him a small kiss on his left cheek. Fin froze for a minute and his cheek felt numb; he swallowed, licked his lower lip and managed to keep his cool. He smiled shyly, like a small boy who had just given his kinder garden teacher a flower, and leaned over to her and kissed her forehead while palming the back of her head. His lips were soft and as he got really close to her she smelled his perfume and she felt the warmth of his breath. She smiled back at him as she looked into his eyes and he smiled back.

The elevator came, the door opened and Fin got in. He waved at Amanda and she waved back at him.

_"See ya tomorrow_" she said and she smiled.

Fin was mesmerized. As soon as the elevator door closed and he was alone, he had a big smile on his face; he was ecstatic and he couldn't control it. He touched his cheek and he let a big deep sigh of both excitement and anxiety. He may have planned to take her home with him and that didn't go as planned but he stole a kiss from her and this was more than enough to make up for his plans that had gone wrong. Her lips felt so good on his skin and it only added to his excitement. He kept reliving that moment in his head and this Christmas Eve had officially become memorable.

After Amanda walked Fin out of the precinct, she went straight to Captain Cragen's office to inform him about her dinner break.

She knocked his door and she made her way in.

Cragen was sitting behind his desk, keeping himself busy and he only paused when he heard the knock on his door.

"Come in", he said and Amanda opened the door and stood in front of him.

"Hey Cap I'm just letting you know I'm out to grab some dinner and I'll be back in half an hour. I almost forgot; Fin is on his way to Ken's house so that leaves us two alone. If you need me just call me and I'll be right here.", she announced and as she was heading out of his office he stopped her.

"_Rollins…"_

"_Yes sir you need anything? Want me to get you anything to eat?" _she replied.

"_You're free to go home too. Don't worry about the shift. It looks like it's gonna be quiet around here. Nothing I can't handle on my own."_

_Well I have some paperwork to finish; I've been planning on sorting my files up for months now and today seem to be the perfect occasion to do it. So, don't worry bout me I'll find something to keep my hands full."_

He nodded at her and gave her a curious stare.

"_How come you've never asked for days off work to go back to Georgia? You must be missing your family. If you had asked me I would have given you permission to leave. I'd find someone else to fill in for you."_

"_I don't mind working captain, it's no big deal. Besides I don't really enjoy travelling, especially if it is for only a few days." _

"_In that case you could have used some of your vacation days. You have a lot of those left. You really haven't had a full day off since you got transferred to Manhattan svu_." He noted.

"_I've told you before Captain, free time isn't really my friend. I enjoy staying busy. After all I came here to work and I intend to work harder." _She responded and smiled at him.

"_Still, don't wear yourself out. This job is a marathon. Save your energy. And one more thing; the fact that Nick has a family and you don't, doesn't give him more privileges. From now on i won't allow you to be working too much covering up for him every time he is out of town." _

Cragen felt responsible for Amanda's heavy schedule and he has been loading her with extra work all this time; especially after Amaro's wife moved to DC and took his daughter with her. Nick was allowed to travel to DC frequently and it was usually Amanda who would fill in for him.

Apart from that, Amanda was working long hours, working on every case she could get her hands on and making Munch's work a lot easier with her researching skills. She's been doing it all and doing it well without even flinching and he felt the need to guard her and guide her.

She was young and restless with a lot of energy and dedication and she had become a valuable asset to the squad. Her contribution to the team was undeniable and her career was extremely promising. Cragen felt like he was obligated to be the voice of wisdom in her career.

At the same time though, he didn't want to make the same mistakes he made with Olivia. He didn't intervene when he should have and he allowed her to marry the job, focus on her career and sacrifice her personal life. This was something he was deeply sorry for; Protecting Elliot's family at the expense of Olivia's personal happiness. He was determined not to go that route with Nick and Amanda.

"_That being said, I'm giving you three days off on New Years Eve to go back home." _He said firmly.

"_Captain, I appreciate your concern, but with all due respect I'd rather stay put. There is really no need to travel all the way to my hometown for nothing."_

Cragen was surprised to hear that Amanda didn't have any pressing reasons to back home. Didn't she have a family to go to?

"_Your family is not there?"_ he asked and he narrowed his eyes with curiosity.

"_It depends on what you call family."_ she replied and she shook her head and he could tell she was bitter.

"_I stopped considering my mom family a long time ago so…All I have left is my baby sister who is somewhere in the country; don't ask me where cause I don't know and quite frankly, I don't want to. We've been on the rocks for months now. The only person I call family is my nana and she leaves in a small isolated town too far away from Atlanta so it would take me too long to get there and be back in Nyc"._

Cragen was listening carefully to what she was telling him and from what she told him he could finally tell why she has been behaving that way ever since they met each other. She seemed to be originated from a troubled family and the lack of family stability and parental support was something that turned her into an independent individual and a lot more mature than many women of her age. Moreover, she seemed to be quite introvert and didn't open up to people very easily.

"_I see",_ he responded hesitantly, trying not to act surprised or disturbed.

"_Still, take some vacation days to rest. I may not say it often enough but you've been doing some fine work with our unit. I wouldn't wanna see you get exhausted."_ His tone was warm and showed his genuine concern.

Amanda nodded condescendingly and smiled as she walked out of his office. She would never let it show but she soaked up every single moment of this display of care and affection. She was thirsty for a parental embrace since she was a kid and she was too old to admit she still craved for it just as much as she did growing up.

"_Merry Christmas Amanda"_ .He quickly added just in time before Amanda closed the door.

"_This won't take more than an hour."_ She shot back making him aware that she didn't intended to follow his advice and go home like he suggested.

Cragen waited until the door was closed and smiled with all his heart for the first time that day. Her sassy response amused him and he really didn't expect anything else but a witty response like the one she gave him. This was typical Rollins attitude and it amused him greatly. He could totally see Marge in her and it was a wonderful feeling to feel his wife's presence, in a sense, again in his life.

10


	9. Chapter 9

An hour later, just like she promised, Amanda returned to work holding two paper bags of take out food and a couple of refreshments. She placed her coat on her chair and left her purse on her desk, took one paper bag and knocked on Cragen's door.

"_I'm back. Did anything happen while I was gone?" _

"_No, nothing memorable happened; that's why i suggested you should go home since I am already here."_ He replied.

"_I was about to make you the same suggestion"_ She said confidently. _"You don't have to be here. I've got this. I've got my food; I'm set for the rest of the night. You can go wherever you need to be sir. " _

"_Well actually there isn't anywhere I should be, so I m staying put."_ He put his hands on his paperwork letting her see he was busy cause this conversation was only making him feel uncomfortable and he wasn't in a mood to discuss about his pathetic Christmas Eve plans with anyone.

"_Ok, well that makes two of us then. I'll be right outside if you need me. And…I didn't really know what to get you but i have noticed you've had chicken and tuna for lunch more than once in the past, so I got you chicken wings and tuna salad. There is a soda in there too...somewhere in that bag." _She said as she placed the food on his desk.

"_Merry Christmas Cap."_ she whispered and grinned and closed the door behind her before Cragen had the chance to speak and most of all before he was able to thank her for buying him dinner.

He got up from his chair and looked into the bag. He tried to recall the last time he brought food at work and if his memory served him correctly it was weeks ago and he wasn't even sure if anyone was around. He never thought that she would notice insignificant details such as her boss's favourite meal, but it seemed that she was paying a lot more attention to him than he thought she was. He was really moved by her gesture.

He figured that the right thing to do was thank her, so he left his office in order to look for her. He figured she was taking a dinner break so he thought he should check the resting room.

The door was half open and he took a peek inside. She was laying on one of the beds, her back facing the door, eating her chicken salad. He politely knocked on the door and got in. She didn't expect to see him there and she immediately got out of the laying position and sat on the bed. She left her food on the bed and swallowed her bite in a hurry.

"_Is everything ok sir?"_ She looked at him puzzled about the purpose of his sudden visit.

"Yes...everything is fine,_ I'm just here to thank you for the food you brought back. You didn't have to. I really appreciate the concern."_ He nodded gratefully.

"_No problem, I hope you like it. I got the same for me. This place makes the best chicken. Trust me; I am an avid chicken eater. It is one of the habits that refuse to die from the time I was an athlete. I've eaten a LOT of chicken" _she scoffed. "_Anyway I just thought you should really eat something. I'm pretty sure you haven't eaten anything today; if I may point it's really none of my business, of course."_

She felt awkward about the way she voiced her opinion;she didn't wanna seem importunate.

"_Hell of a snow-storm outside"_ he noted, trying to change the subject.

"_Yeah it is beautiful outside, makes me wish we don't have to leave the precinct though."_ She looked out the window and gazed at the peaceful scenery. The thought of joining her for dinner crossed his mind for a second and he was about to make the offer.

He paused for a second, not sure if it was the right thing to do but decided to ask her anyway.

"_Since this is clearly dinner time for both of us how about we do it properly? You wanna come join me in my office where there is more space?"_

She hesitated a bit. _"I suppose I could but are you sure this is a good idea? I mean...it certainly doesn't happen that often; a detective casually hanging out in the boss' office." _She shrugged.

"_I see."_ He replied and smiled gently at her and he had already regretted suggesting such a thing. Of course Amanda wasn't gonna risk being seen alone with her captain in his office. She knew people would read too much into this and start spreading rumours about them.

The blonde saw how much her answer affected Cragen and rushed to explain herself.

"_It's just that I let that happen with Sam and I regretted it, so I promised myself to be more careful these days."_

He looked puzzled and as he closed the door behind him he walked towards her and sat on the bed opposite to hers.

"_Where you involved with Sam?"_ he hesitantly asked and apologized with his eyes for being so open.

"_No we weren't. We couldn't. He was married and I may be a lot of things but I'm definitely not a home wrecker."_ She said defensively.

"_No one is suggesting the opposite Amanda. Anyway, forgive me for invading your personal life. It was tacky and totally unnecessary. I was just curious to know why Sam was so interested in transferring you to New York if you two didn't share a more….intimate relationship."_

"_Actually i asked to be transferred without him knowing about my intention prior to my application, and when he found out, he tried to talk me out of it. He was….well he is in love with me. I think it would be childish of me to deny that. That was the reason why he helped me this much. I mean, who would believe that a random detective like me would join this unit? No one gets this lucky."_

"_I think you should give yourself some credit here kid. You have earned your right to be here just like everyone else. I'm not recruiting anyone just for charity. Sam and I go way back, so he knows I would never let any type of personal involvement affect my judgement. All he did was give me a call and vouch for you. By that time the decision to transfer you was already made."_

She looked at him and smiled gratefully. This vote of confidence was just what she needed to make her feel better about herself and uplift her spirit.

"_What else did he tell you about me?"_ she said in a small voice.

"_Well he seemed to be very protective of you and he wanted to make sure your new home would be the right place for you. I think i had something to do with that. He thought that you would be safe here, under my command."_

The look in his eyes gave away that he knew about the reason Amanda wanted to leave the Atlanta svu and why choosing this unit was the best option for her. She wanted to feel safe and Cragen was a good man, one that Sam knew and trusted.

They both exchanged a knowing look.

"_He told you why I left the squad right?" _She asked while she was staring directly into his eyes.

He nodded in answer and she stood up and nervously walked around the room.

"_Goddamn you Sam you had to run your mouth."_ She mumbled. "You _know I can take care of myself."_ She said firmly and gave him a persistent look. "_I didn't need any help, I'm a big girl."_

"Again, n_o one claimed the opposite, Amanda. Sam was only concerned and wanted the best for you."_

"_I already have a daddy, I don't need another one." She stared at him angrily._

"_I see."_ he replied softly. He was hurt and misunderstood and saw that it was the right time to leave her alone and not bother her.

"_It's embarrassing…" _She whispered while she was still starring at the wall, her back facing him. Her eyes were dark as she brought that incident back in her memory.

"_This is something I wish I didn't have to tell anyone. I only told Sam cause he figured something was wrong with me. Otherwise no one would have known about this except for me and that son of a bitch."_

He listened to her speak and he was terrified of what she had to say. He could see how much this issue was affecting her.

"_It isn't the easiest thing in the world you know; revealing an assault from your chief. No cop in the world wants to feel violated, vulnerable. We do this job cause we think of ourselves as untouchable and fearless."_

"_No one expects us to be superhuman Amanda. We do our job the best way it can be done but that's it. We're only people." _He replied in a soft voice trying to sooth her down.

She stared his way with teary eyes and their eyes met for a second.

Cragen wasn't just trying to console her. Deep inside he felt the need to reassure himself that he was doing his best, trying to justify his own mistakes.

He was the one drinking on the job back in the day. He had had his fair share of downfalls and after all these years he still felt ashamed of himself for letting his addiction get out of control.

Amanda saw his broken heart through his teary eyes. She could tell that he was speaking for himself and it hurt her to see him blaming himself for his bad habits.

"_Alcoholism is a sickness, Captain ok? It wasn't just something you caused. It isn't your fault that it happened." _

He smiled at her and she smiled in return.

"_But I guess you already know that. You must have heard it a thousand times in every single A.A meeting all these years. I guess I was just talking to myself." She said and she turned her head the other way._

"_You found the strength to stop it before it consumed you and this is one hell of an accomplishment Amanda. You think it is easy to acknowledge the problem and ask for help? Not all addicts can do that." _

"_Well I should have never let it affect my job and definitely not let you in on it. So I guess it is safe to say that I'm not exactly the first price at the faire. Assaulted AND addicted. What a joke, really." _She laughed ironically and leaned against the wall.

"_At least you didn't wake up with a dead hooker in your bed." _He teased her and they both laughed out loud.

It was easy for Cragen to talk to her. Somehow he felt like there was nothing he couldn't tell her. They had a lot of common ground that eliminated the significance of the age difference. For Cragen keeping in touch with the blonde was a way of keeping his daughter alive in his head. Cragen had taken many detectives under his protective wings all these years and both Elliot and Liv were like his own children but Amanda was the embodiment of his unborn daughter.

They laughed their hearts out and shortly after that there was a long pause. Cragen checked his clock and noted that dinner should be served soon before it would turn cold.

Amanda got up, grabbed her food and followed him back to his office.

An hour later their little "dinner date" was over and Cragen insisted once more that she should leave and go home.

"_Captain please don't start again, I already told you. I would rather hang out here instead of staying alone in an empty house." _She said in a small voice.

Meanwhile, Fin was drinking wine, sitting at ease in his son's living room, talking with the happy couple about random things and he felt like the need to check on Amanda and see how she was holding up. He knew she didn't wanna come with him cause she felt like this was a formal family dinner and he wished he had insisted more and convinced her to join him.

Dinner was a success and it was a great chance to catch up with his son whom he hadn't seen for a while but something was missing and that was her. He felt lonely and there were a lot of things he wanted to say but they wouldn't mean much if she wasn't there to hear them too. He grabbed his cell and decided to send her a text cause calling her would bother her and she could be busy.

Her phone buzzed and it was Fin; he sent her a photo of him eating desert and a text saying "_Take a good look at what you're missing ;) "_ And he added a smiley face in the end.

She gave her cell screen a warm smile as if she was looking at Fin himself. She had added a cute picture of him as the contact image and he had his own ringtone, separating his calls from the rest, which was already a big thing for Amanda.

She thought about it for a minute and sent him a text back adding a smiley herself_: "Looks good, save me a piece :P" _And she giggled while thinking about his reaction.

Cragen stared at her and couldn't resist on making a comment.

"_You too have really clicked."_ And he smiled. _"Good for you." _He added.

She turned her head and nodded in answer.

"_Yeah Fin is a good fella, he has been a really good friend to me."_

"_It is mutual, you know. He is really enjoying working with you. His words-not mine, by the way." He replied._

A wrinkle cut though her forehead; she raised her eyebrows and grinned.

"_He did?" _

"_Yes he has been really satisfied with how I've paired you guys up." _

He walked toward the hanger and grabbed his coat. He looked at her persistently and nodded that it was time to go home.

"_We're leaving, come on Rollins, I'm not gonna let you stay here any longer. Get your things." _

"_Ok cap I will, you be on your way." _She suggested and her voice gave away that she wasn't intending to leave after him.

"_I won't walk out this door without you and I am getting impatient so make it quick." _He stated firmly leaving her no choice but to obey.

"_Ok I got it, it'll only take me a minute."_

Even though she didn't feel like admitting it, she was grateful for that push Cragen gave her to get out of the precinct. Work was a great way to take her mind off that day and her loneliness but on the other hand she had to confront her fears if she wanted them to go away. She picked her coat and her purse and walked behind Cragen towards the exit.

"_Captain…"_ she paused trying to find the right words to express herself properly.

"_You know Fin well right? I mean not personally, but you've been working with him long enough to know his personality…right?"_

"_Yes I know Fin pretty well. He is a simple man with simple rules and_ _solid principles. I like that about Fin; he is straight forward, and loyal. We're lucky to have him."_

"_Yeah I know."_ She said and she was really pleased to see Cragen thinking so highly of her partner. He certainly deserved it. She felt really proud of him and it wasn't just because he was her better half at work. That feeling was deeper and more personal than that. She genuinely felt affectionate about him.

The moment she saw his text she felt so grateful for his attention and so flattered that she was inside his thoughts, whatever that meant. She wasn't sure what it meant yet but the feeling of being appreciated and cared for was delightful.

They got in the elevator and they kept quiet for a minute as they stood there side by side.

They reached the main entrance and Cragen helped her wear her coat like a gentleman and walked down the stairs heading to his car.

"_You need a lift?"_ He asked her.

"_No my car is parked right over there, but thanks for asking.." _She extended his arm and pointed at the direction of her truck.

"_Why don't you go over there before I take off, just to be sure you're safe and good to go."_ He suggested.

"_It's no big deal Cap I'll be fine; but if it'll make you feel better I will take off right now." _

The young detective hesitated for a second but walked up to him and extended her hand for a handshake.

"_Merry Christmas Cap, it was really nice spending Christmas Eve with you, this day would have been a lot harder if it wasn't for you, keeping me company. My mood would have been a lot worse, that's for damn sure."_

She giggled and looked at him tenderly.

He shook her hand and gently touched her forearm. "_I should be the one thanking you for making this day a lot brighter for an old, lonely man like me."_ He replied.

They smiled at each other and Amanda got in her car and drove away. Cragen watched her go and he smiled. He spent the whole afternoon with her and he was delighted he had the privilege to get to know her better. She was exactly how he had figured she would be like, and he was really looking forward to spending more time with her at any chance he would get.


	10. Chapter 10

Amanda woke up around 9am and it was the perfect day to just lie in bed and relax. It was New Years Eve and she had the whole day off. There was plenty of time to do some chores, do some shopping and rest some more later on.

She had no intention of going out at night to celebrate the New Year. All she wanted to do was just sit at home, listen to some music and let this day fly as effortlessly as possible.

They had been extremely busy these last few days, trying to track down a serial rapist who was really good at covering up his trails and Amanda hadn't had a decent eight hour sleep for five days .

She got out of bed, yawned and stretched her body leaving a long moan. She got her feet on the ground and headed straight to the coffee maker to get the engines running. Coffee was her guilty pleasure and a necessity in the morning.

A bunch of blocks away Fin was already up sitting on his couch holding his cell phone trying to find the right way to invite the blonde to spend New Years Eve with him. He wasn't usually that nervous when it came to women. He was an experienced man who had been dating for quite a long time and he had no problem picking a girl up.

However things were complicated in this occasion since Amanda was not only his partner but also his close friend. He had thought this through and he was absolutely certain that he would never do anything to hurt Amanda and make her feel uncomfortable being next to him, especially nowadays that Fin got moved from his old desk to the one right across Amanda's.

In addition, she had to be the first woman he respected this much. The only woman whose opinion of him really mattered to Fin. He would be crushed if Amanda ever stopped thinking highly of him. She wasn't just another random, irrelevant girl he met at a bar.

He finally pushed himself to stop acting like a little shy school boy and call her up. He wasn't even sure why he was behaving this way. He wasn't always taking things this slow in his love life. Kissing her on the cheek just a few days ago and being so shy about making a simple call. Was he really that much in love?

He waited for her to answer and he would walk around his living room, anxious to hear her voice.

Amanda rushed out of the shower with water dripping down her body and picked up the phone at the last minute.

"_Yeah, hey are you still there? Fin?Hello?"_

Fin paused and finally spoke, trying to act cool and casual.

"Hey, yeah I'm still here. Good morning; how you doing?"

"Aw I'm fine, you?" she answered as she tried to wrap a towel around her body and stop her hair from dripping water on the floor.

"Is this a bad time? I can call later."

"No…no it's fine, just give me a minute ok?" She walked into the bath room and closed the water tab that she left open when she dashed out of the shower.

Fin heard the water pouring and couldn't resist the thought of Amanda in the shower, naked. He could almost feel the lavender in his nostrils and he let a deep sigh as he grabbed his forehead trying to dismiss these arousing thoughts from his head and focus on the purpose of his call.

"_So I was thinking bout what you be doing tonight and I thought that you may wanna hang out with me at a place downtown. It's new and I've heard it's worth a visit."_

At the sound of his offer the blonde walked around her living room trying to find the right words to use. _"Oh wow ok…uh I don't know about this Fin; I mean, I'm really tired and I would rather spend the night in, go to bed early you know?"_ she finally said.

He was holding his breath and hearing her refuse to spend time with him was really painful for him. He wasn't prepared enough for another rejection and he didn't know how to respond to her without giving his dissatisfaction away.

"_I see, ok I get it." _He said in a plain way.

That moment Amanda realized that she had already turned him down once more at Christmas Eve and she really didn't wanna be cold-hearted and say "no" again. Fin was kind enough to invite her when he could have easily found another company or even spend his night at a strip club like he would often do. Choosing her meant a lot to the blonde and decided to go out and try to have some fun with in.

"_Wait…um ok I'll be there. Yeah it'll do me good to go out and take work off my head. If I stay in I'll probably end up working on a case."_ She joked.

"_Alright then I'll pick you up around 10 pm. Is that cool?"_

"_Just tell me where to come and save yourself the trouble Fin. There is no need to pick me up."_

"_Absolutely not, I'll be there."_ He insisted and Amanda didn't really wanna offend him so she didn't insist more.

"_Ok then 10 pm; I'll be ready."_

"_Alright see ya then, bye."_

As soon as he hung up the phone Fin exhaled with relief and threw himself on the couch. He was filled with joy and he was more than excited at the thought of taking Amanda out.

Amanda hadn't really thought about going out that night until that moment so she did a quick check at her wardrobe to make sure she had something proper to wear for the occasion. She couldn't decide what to choose. Should she go for a simple night-out look or something more extravagant considering that it was supposed to be the most spectacular night of the year? She finally made up her mind and chose a simple yet classic, tight and relatively short black dress with a small cut in the neckline. She wanted to be sic and glamorous but she didn't wanna be too revealing and show too much skin in Fin's presence.

The rest of the day passed really fast for both of them and before he knew it Fin had to get ready to party.

He took a shower, freshened up, got into a slick black turtle-neck and a fancy pair of black trousers. He put a black jacket on and bathed in his favorite perfume. One last look at his image in the mirror and he was out.

Amanda on the other hand got into her dress and in her high bronze heels and chose a matching purse. Her hair was pulled back in a ponytail and she had light make-up on. She wore an elegant black coat on top of her outfit and she was good to go.

At 10 pm sharp she was ready, sitting on her couch waiting for Fin to knock on her door.

Five minutes later Fin rang her bell; she opened the door and as soon as he laid his eyes on her, his jaw dropped.

"_Hey, I'm good to go."_ She said and smiled as she stood there before him, holding her purse with both hands.

"_You look stunning."_ He said and he stared at her face.

"_Well thanks Fin."_ She said hesitantly, almost shyly and she looked the other way knowing that he was scanning her up. _"You look kneat yourself."_ She added.

"_Shall we?"_ He suggested, and he led her out of her apartment.

Half an hour later they arrived at this fancy lounge bar. As they walked in, Fin helped Amanda take her coat off and escorted her to their table where two of his friends were waiting for them. He was feeling his hand on her back and it almost felt they were dating.

Truth be told Amanda was really flattered by Fin's overall treatment and she felt really lucky to have him in her life. He certainly knew how to treat a woman and so far he had been behaving like a true gentleman.

The place was beautifully decorated, not too crowded , and the dim lights certainly created a relaxing, and romantic atmosphere.

They sat at the table and Fin quickly introduced her to his friends. One of them was also a police officer, the other one was a real estate agent.

"_I haven't formally introduced you to the guys. Amanda I'd like you to meet me two good friends; Roger and Michael."_ Fin said as he turned to his friends and presented Amanda to them.

"_Nice to meet you."_ Amanda kindly replied and shook both their hands.

"_Nice to meet you too."_ They said in one voice.

"We've heard so much about you Amanda." Roger said.

"_Oh! Nice to know that my partner talks about me to his friends."_ She said in a sassy tone and gave Fin a side look while rubbing her arm against his.

"_This place is really nice."_ She told him while she came really close to his ear in order to be heard as the electric guitar of the old school blues music filled their ears with its velvet sound.

"_I knew you would like it."_ Fin replied confidently, leaning over to her ear as well. His cockiness intrigued the blonde; she raised her eyes and looked straight in his eyes giving him a sassy look and as she raised an eyebrow she shot back.

"_Oh really? How did you know?"_ and she gave him a persistent stare.

Only a few minutes had passed since they got there and the tension between them was already rising. They were sitting side by side, their bodies touching each other, whispering in each other's ear. Fin's friends could sense there was something between them from the get go and they knew that Fin wouldn't invite a lady friend if she wasn't someone special.

These two were the only close friends Fin had outside work. They both knew him well enough to be able to detect the signs that he was interested in that lady.

"_I like to think I know your taste in certain things."_

He grinned and raised his hand to call the waiter. His answer didn't leave much space for Amanda to question him. It wasn't what he said but the way he said it. This was the main trait of Fin's character that Amanda found really interesting and disarming; His confidence.

"_So you see me as a woman who enjoys this type of mature entertainment instead of loud clubs full of annoying kids." _She said in his ear, while he was giving the order to the waiter.

"_We'll have a bottle of red wine, please."_ He gave the order to the waiter and quickly got back to their private conversation that didn't include his friends at all, but none of them seemed to bother. They didn't wanna mess their friend's game with the hot blonde and they let them two have their space.

"_Yeah I always saw you as this type of woman who enjoyed these types of places. You know; slow old school music, being comfortable, surrounded by people you can relate to." Fin said._

"_Well it seems to me that you know me quite well. This is exactly what I call entertainment." The blonde responded._

He nodded in answer and opened the bottle of wine the waiter had just placed on their table, poured some wine in both their glasses and proposed a toast.

"To a happy new year full of joy...and love." He exclaimed and his friends concurred

"Amen to that last one, man." Roger joked.

Amanda smiled, raised her glass as well and took a sip of her wine.

They had some more wine and listened to some more music, and it was time to welcome the New Year.

The lights dimmed and everyone stood on their feet and suddenly the whole area got jammed up, full of cheery folks who were ready to welcome 2013.

Before they knew it Fin and Amanda were standing too close to each other laughing and waiting for the big moment to come.

The moment when the New Year was officially in the building the lights went off and a big sparkle of red lights lit the place up. Everyone cheered and applauded and Fin grabbed Amanda gently from the waist, turned her body to his direction and gave her a big hug with both his hands on her slim waist.

As he was touching her body, feeling her warmth, he reminisced the previous time he had hugged her, back in her house , a couple of weeks ago. However, this hug was a lot more intimate and slightly less friendly. It was more of a flirtatious sign of their body language.

Amanda touched his shoulders and felt his masculine forearms and leaned over to his ear and wished him "A Happy New Year."

Her forehead touched his cheek as her deep voice tinkled his ear. She didn't move away from him right away. She stood there really close to him, her hands still on his forearms.

"_Happy New Year" Amanda."_ He replied and he kissed her on both cheeks while his hands were now caressing the silky bare skin of her arms. They looked in each other's eyes and smiled as they slowly drifted away from each other's grip.

They sat back on their table, drank some more and talked about work and random everyday things. His friends were beyond impressed and charmed by the blonde's ability to participate in every single conversation whether it was about law enforcement, cars, sports, or general topics.

Fin felt extremely pleased with the effect that Amanda had on his friends and so proud that she had won them over with her versatile personality and her capacity to adapt to every situation.

While Amanda and Michael too were busy looking around, scanning the place up, making fun of the dreadful fashion choices of a couple of ladies who were already too drunk to function, Roger winked at Fin and pointed at Amanda making it obvious that he was approving of her.

Fin responded with a witty smile, leaned over towards Roger and pointed out that they weren't in fact involved.

Roger laughed out loud. _"Yeah right, come on now man don't be ridiculous. You guys are on fire. You've been shamelessly flirting all night."_

"You mean I've been flirting all night." Fin asked for a clarification.

"_Dude, I call it how i see it. This chick has been responding to all your moves."_ Roger replied, trying to keep his volume down.

Fin was taken by surprise and felt overwhelmed by his friend's opinion. Was Amanda really open to his flirting, or did Roger just see too much into it? Was she just having a polite conversation with Fin or was she trying to put herself out there for him?

Fin had all these thoughts in his head and after taking a sip of wine he suggested they should leave this place and take it someplace else.

Both Roger and Michael declined his invitation, making a few impressively convincing excuses such as that is was getting too late and they were tired. Their only agenda was to leave Fin and Amanda alone in case their buddy wanted to make his move.

They all walked out of the bar and gave each other a goodnight wish.

"_It was nice meeting you guys."_ Amanda said first and offered her hand for a hand shake.

"_The pleasure was ours detective."_ Michael replied and added that they should really be on their way.

After a few minutes Fin and Amanda were left alone at the side of the street.

"_That was really fun, Fin. Thanks for inviting me tonight. I would have made a big mistake had I stayed home alone tonight. This night out gave my mood such a boost."_ She admitted and smiled at him, which was one of the many smiles she gave him that night, making Fin's head spin from excitement.

"_You're welcome." _He shot back and started walking towards his parked car, taking the initiative to take her hand and place it on his arm.

Amanda felt cared for and appreciated and it was a feeling she hadn't felt for a really long time.

"_What a great night huh?"_ She turned her head to him and pointed out.

"_Yeah it is a beautiful night."_ He added. _"You wanna take a walk before we drive home?" _He suggested and the blonde was more than thrilled to not let this night end just yet.

"_Yeah sure I'd love that."_ She said confidently, so they walked in the streets for a while, chatted about random things. They took a stroll through the park away from the busy streets and watched the stars above in the crystal clear sky.

The scenery was dreamy and totally romantic. Amanda felt her heart pounding in her chest and Fin was beyond ecstatic to be enjoying her company in such an intimate way. That night was a blessing for the both of them and completely took their relationship to a whole new level.

"_Are you cold? You wanna go back to the car?"_ He asked her and rubbed her right arm with his right hand as they were walking side by side with absolutely no room to breathe between them.

"_Yeah it is a bit chilly."_ She admitted and Fin guided her back to the car and opened the door for her, making her feel more cared for- if that was even possible.

He drove her back home and on their way there they were listening to some jazz music that only added to the already erotic atmosphere.

When did this exactly start happening? Amanda kept wondering while she was sitting there next to him. When did she begin to feel this way for her partner? It wasn't that long ago when he was nothing more than a really close friend of hers.

Fin drove her back to her place and insisted he should escort her up to her place just to check if everything was ok.

When they reached her door, Amanda unlocked the door and got in the apartment and Fin walked in, looked around in her living room and headed inside to check on the rest of the rooms. When he got out in the living room again, the blonde was already removing her high heels and she was really pleased to be walking barefoot.

"_Well ok everything is good in here, you're safe. I'd better be on my way now."_ He announced and headed to the front door.

"_You wanna stay for a while? I don't know, have a beer or something before you head home?"_ She suggested in an attempt to thank him for this wonderful evening he had offered her and at the same time test him.

She was standing right in front of him, shorter without any shoes on, tiny in her little dress, looking in his eyes.

He wanted to stay so badly. He felt the urge to lift her up in his arms, take her to bed and make love to her until he would have satisfied his hunger for her skin, her touch, her warmth. He wanted to tell her that he was the right man for her, that he was the one who could see her true colors and that he was more than ready to be her man, her lover, her best friend, her companion, her everything.

However, he knew it was too early to take that step and that night was already special for both of them in its own way. He didn't wanna rush things and he was wise enough to know that there would be plenty time for sex down the road, if things turned out the way he expected. For now he felt that making a move would only make it look like he planned this whole night just to seduce her and it would totally discredit his good and honest intentions.

"_I would love to stay but it is getting too late, but I'll definitely drop by some other time if you want to." he whispered._

"_Yeah sure, of course; We can totally arrange something some other time. You're more than welcome here, you know that right?." _She said with a smile and escorted him out the door.

He nodded in answer. "_Good night Amanda." He added with a faint smile._ All of a sudden he grabbed her hand, caressed the inside of her palm with his fingers and brought her arm up to his face for a hand kissing.

He kept staring in her eyes while he kissed her hand; she giggled and breathed deeply, and she dropped her glance to the floor trying not to show her blushed cheeks and her stress.

He let go of her arm and walked away from her apartment feeling lighter than a feather and more in love than he had ever been in his entire life.

Amanda stood there, her heart racing, flushed, her palms sweating with a sweet knot in her stomach.

She was a smart girl; she knew exactly how Fin felt about her, not to what extent just yet, but she definitely had a general idea about how fond of her Fin was.

She got in her house leaned against the door and smiled as she touched her hand reminiscing the moment he kissed it and took her breath away. Not in her wildest dreams had she imagined that Fin was that type of guy who could cater to a woman without expecting anything physical in return. She was thrilled to see that he had successfully passed the test.

She looked around her with delight and awe and she could feel that this was the beginning of something great. It felt right and it was the greatest feeling in the world.


	11. Chapter 11

January 10th.

She opened the door and there he was, standing right outside her doorstep. He smiled at her and handed her a flower. She was shocked to see him there and didn't really know what she was supposed to do.

"_Happy birthday kid."_ He wished the blonde and leaned over to her, hoping for a kiss or any sign of affection.

_"What are you doing here?"_ She whispered hesitantly and looked at him from head to toe, still in shock from his sudden and totally unexpected visit, while trying to maintain some distance.

"_Well I had some days off and I thought it should make the trip to New York, see my Georgia peach."_

He replied with his charming southern accent and you could tell he was rather uncomfortable standing there for that long. He expected a warmer welcoming from the blonde and every second she kept him waiting outside her door he would get more and more convinced that it wasn't a wise decision to come all the way to her house uninvited after all.

"_I would ask you to come in but I'm kinda in a hurry, my partner is probably parked in front, waiting for me. We need to roll ASAP. Captain's orders…you should know better." _She said and she jammed her right palm in her jacket's pocket showing her awkwardness.

"_I understand, Yeah, you do your thing now." He replied in a playful tone. "I'll be around all weekend girl. We'll have plenty of time to, you know…catch up_." He announced his intentions and gave her a witty smile.

"_Wow, ok well in that case I'll be seeing you around right?"_ She tried to end this conversation fast and get out of there before he suggested anything that would put her in an uncomfortable situation.

She placed his flower on her kitchen counter and rushed out of the door leading the way out of her building. He was following her downstairs and the moment the exited the building Amanda landed her eyes on Fin, who was in the car waiting for her to come.

Meanwhile:

Fin had parked his car right in front of her house as always, and he was anxiously waiting to see her that morning. He looked at the back seat where the guitar he had bought her for her birthday was placed and he wasn't sure about when would be the right time to hand it to her. He decided to throw his coat on it and hide it from her for now. This wasn't the best moment to do this little ritual. He wanted it to be a special moment and rushing it would take its magic away!

She had told him months back when they were randomly exchanging personal details that January 10th was her birthday but since then they hadn't really talked about it so he was sure she would be surprised to see he remembered it. He was so thrilled to see her reaction to his gift! She seemed to have liked the book he gave her for Christmas very much and he wanted this one to be equally appreciated.

Picking up a gift for her wasn't as hard as it may be when it comes to choosing gifts for women. One of the many things she randomly shared with him during a stake-out late at night, when she probably thought he wasn't paying attention was that ever since she moved from Loganville to Atlanta and lost her guitar during the move she had always planned on buying a new one.

A few minutes later, while he was waiting for her to show up, he saw this middle aged tall blonde man entering the building. He tried really hard to remember why this guy seemed familiar and after a few minutes he managed to recall that he had met him last year.

He was Amanda's ex captain from Atlanta, Sam. Fin didn't really know what to think about either the fact that he paid her a visit at 7am or that he was holding a flower in his hand. The only thing he could tell for sure was that Sam seemed to be pretty casual and relaxed as if he had been there before. When he saw Sam walk up the stairs a huge wave of frustration mixed and jealousy and anger filled his head, resulting in a headache.

He somehow saw himself as the only man who was allowed to be in her life and the reality of the matter was that Sam was a grown man, who had travelled thousands of miles to see a woman and he had done so once more, that Fin knew of. Suddenly these outrageous thoughts stroke his head. Was Sam involved with Amanda? Where they in a real relationship? Have they been together all this time? Has Amanda been sleeping with him and if so since when? He felt a rush of blood through his veins and had to open the window to get some fresh air.

This couldn't be true. He was 100% sure that Amanda was single, she had told him so herself, but what if they were just friends with benefits? Would Amanda feel the need to tell Fin the whole truth or would she conveniently hide the fact that she gets laid with her ex every now and then? This wasn't something she would easily share with Fin.

In those five minutes before both the blonde and Sam walked out of her house and entered Fin's viewing range his heart was racing. He prayed Sam would just walk away without a kiss, or a hug and generally any indication of a more intimate relationship was out of the question. Fin was breathing heavily while Amanda waved Sam goodbye and got in the car.

Maintaining his temper and acting normal was the real struggle and he tried really hard not to show he was upset.

Amanda sat there next to him, took her coat off, turned the radio on and gave him a searching look.

"_Hey, you ok?"_ She kindly asked.

"_Hey, good morning. Yeah I'm cool."_

"_You look weird." _She added.

"_I guess I just woke up on the wrong side of the bed today. No big deal."_ He apologized and looked at her for a split second.

"_Sorry to hear that, Fin."_ She said with concern and looked at him trying to interpret his body language. It was obvious that something was eating him and the blonde suspected it may have been Sam's visit at her house.

For the past days, after their night out on New Years Eve when the two of them got a lot closer to each other and not in an innocent way, Fin had been jolly and always in a great mood. He was smiling more often and their little trips to work and back home were really pleasant, full of jokes and laughs. She knew it bothered him to see Sam and he felt the need to explain herself even though she hadn't done anything wrong.

"_Sam… came to New York… and he stopped by my house."_ She said in a small voice trying not to make a big deal out of it. _"He had time off and he thought he'd spend it in the big , It's my birthday today so…"_ She continued.

"_Happy birthday" _He said in a cold tone.

"_Thanks." _She replied and she turned her gaze to him hoping he would give her one of his warm looks she was so used to these , Fin wasn't in the mood for it.

"_So nice of him."_ He said with his mouth closed. _"He is a very considerate captain, I give him that."_ He carried on and at that moment the blonde realized he was bothered.

The whole ride to work was awkwardly quiet. Fin kept his eyes on the road and barely looked at her. He didn't like this feeling at all. He wasn't used to ignoring her or feeling angry when looking at her. He felt so frustrated that he wished he could stop the damn car and go for a walk to clear his head.

The whole day at work was quiet as well. Fin spent most of his day at his desk working, trying to distract his mind. Amanda would occasionally lift her eyes from her paperwork pile and look at him trying to detect his mood but other than that the two of them didn't really get the chance to speak.

They even took their lunch breaks separately during that day and Fin used this space to focus on his thoughts. He watched her head out to get Chinese food with Nick while he tried to look busy and avoid looking her way, in case she would invite him to join them. He needed to be alone and try to digest this whole situation before he could be around his partner again.

"_What's troubling you my friend?"_ A sassy voice interrupted Fin's thoughts.

It was John, Fin's loyal Jew and long-time companion. He was in a great mood ever since he returned to SVU from the depressing Cold Case before these countless evidence boxes haunted both his days and his dreams at night. Unfortunately, Fin didn't share the same enthusiasm that day.

Munch looked at him studiously and he immediately knew something was bugging him. He sat down next to him and placed his hand on Fin's shoulder.

"_You wanna tell me what's going on?"_ he kindly suggested.

"_Nothing special, just issues I'm dealing with. No need to drag you into it. I'll get over it…I hope."_ He replied.

"_Where is your better half?"_ He asked after he looked around trying to spot Amanda somewhere in the precinct. "_You two would usually take your lunch breaks together."_

"_How would I know? I'm not her babysitter."_ He said sharply.

"_Problems in the "Baba-Gump" kingdom?"_ Munch said and gave him a smirk.

"_Say what?"_ Fin frowned.

"_Baba-Gump". My little nickname for you two, that caught on pretty fast. Ask around if you don't believe me." _He laughed.

Fin wasn't amused; not today, even though the nickname was quite hilarious. He tried really hard to discard the image of Sam walking up to her place like he had every right to do it; like he was her legitimate significant other. He exhaled with anger and at that moment John fully acknowledged the extent of the situation. Fin was depressed and he needed a good friend and not a clown.

"_What's wrong with you, Fin?" _he asked calmly.

Fin hesitated for a second but his need to speak to someone conquered his usual tendency to keep things to himself.

"_I might need a new partner soon."_ He announced firmly.

"_Why?"_ Munch asked in concern.

"_I thought I was strong enough to keep in strictly business at work but I'm alloying my personal feelings to affect my work and my work ethic is not negotiable." _He replied.

"_Slow down there buddy, what is the problem exactly?"_ Munch begged for an explanation.

"_I can't let my feelings about Amanda ruin my job, Munch. It is not worth it…it seems. I was foolish to even think this thing could lead us somewhere. I was ready to make changes, to make an effort for this to happen, but it turns out that it wasn't meant to be after all. I should be thankful it didn't start at all. It would have been twice as hard to end it then."_

"_Am I hearing correctly? You're telling me you have feelings for Rollins?" _Munch was in shock; he didn't expect to hear something like this. He wasn't prepared for a love confession from his touch ex partner.

"_Is that all you got from what I said?"_ Fin smirked.

"_I just let the woman of my life slip right through my fingers, and I really don't see how that guy is better than me. I mean, c'mon now I could understand if I'd lose her to a thirty year old, six-pack guy, but that Sam guy is not what someone would call hard competition. I know that they have history together…apparently… but…. Ugh I cant believe i had even made plans for her birthday. I wanted to take her out, you know, celebrate. I had told Nick… Liv…even the captain agreed to join us."_

"_I didn't know anything about it." _Munch smirked.

"_Well now you do_." Fin shot back and rolled his eyes.

"Anyway, it ain't gonna happen; she'll probably spend the night with him. They'll wanna... catch up and stuff, you know?Damn it!" He banged his hand on the desk and tightened his jaw.

Munch cut him off and tried to be the voice of reason since his friend had was running out of it.

"_Slow down there, Fin. Fill me in would you? Who is this Sam guy and how did you deduce that she is seeing him? Second of all, does she know about how you feel about her?" _

"He is her ex captain. He 's been marking his area for months now; that son of a bitch! And yes s_he knows something is up. I've made some significant moves. I thought I had made my intentions clear but I guess she was just playing along; maybe she didn't wanna hurt my feelings…I don't know, man."_

"_What DO you KNOW for sure? Leave the speculations out of this will ya?"_ Much insisted.

"_I know for a fact that he came all the way here from Atlanta for her birthday and for all I know he could have been a regular visitor. He was here last year. I should have read the damn signs back then. What kind of captain comes to check on his detective? Give me a break, the guy had the hots for her and I didn't really care back then…but now…she means the world to me John. There…I said it…I'm in love for the first time in my miserable life."_

Fin stared John in his eyes and John gave him a faint smile and a pat on his shoulder.

"_I can't really blame you, she is so easy on the eyes, and she seems to be a straight up lady, which is why, my friend, you should go talk to her like a man and clear things out like adults. She doesn't look like the bimbo who would let you flirt while having another man on the side; there might be something else going on that you're not fully aware off. This whole thing could just be you being paranoid." _

Fin scoffed and John rubbed his back.

"_You're right; I'm gonna talk to her…today. Even if shit hits the fan. I can't wait another minute until I find out where i…where WE stand." _

He gave a glance to Munch and nodded in appreciation. He really valued John's opinion and he knew he was a shoulder to lean on in critical times.

After work, Fin and Amanda headed to the parking lot; they were both quiet and Amanda felt like it was time she had a serious talk with her friend who had been distant all day. They got in the car and Fin started the engine.

"_If you wanna get something off your chest I'm all ears."_ She stated with a firm voice. She looked directly at him forcing him to do the same.

He glanced at her, keeping a poker face at all times, trying not to let hold of his anxiety.

"_You've been distant and quiet and you've barely looked at me. This isn't the Fin I know." _Her voice gave away her disappointment.

"_Well that makes two of us then. I'm not really sure I know you that well right now."_ He shot back and stared at her.

"_What is the issue, Fin? You could just ask me what you wanna know instead of acting this way. I've never lied to you and I don't intend to start now._" She stated. "I don't like seeing you behaving this way."

_Well this is how I'm gonna be today so if you wanna have a better company you should have asked your boyfriend to pick you up from work. I'm sure he wouldn't have a problem. He did take a plane just to come wish you a happy birthday."_ He stepped his foot on the gas and tried to drive away from the enclosed parking lot.

Fin felt betrayed and played for a fool. All this time he had been flirting with her, being discrete and moving slowly so as not to scare her off and she was more than willing to screw Sam occasionally just for the fun of it. What an idiot he was, thinking that she was different. Sleeping around with another guy while responding to his flirt? He couldn't look at her without setting a tear, but he had to straighten things out fast and move on with his life.

"_Stop the car."_ She ordered_. "I said stop the damn car."_ She said again after seeing Fin keep driving.

Amanda extended her arm and placed her hand on his arm holding the wheel in order to prevent him from driving away. He abruptly stepped on the brake and immobilized the vehicle still refusing to talk to her. She got out of the car that was right in the middle of the exit of the parking lot, blocking the entrance.

He did the same and before they knew it they were standing opposite to each other. Fin leaned against the side of the car waiting for Amanda to make the next move. She came close to him, stood before him and took a bid breath.

"_Fist of all I don't like THIS Fin at all and I don't wanna see him again ok? I always thought you would come to me first if you had a problem with me instead of acting like this." _She paused, looked the other way, cleared her throat and licked her lips while he was quiet.

"_Second of all,since it is clearly an issue close to your...heart, Sam is NOT my boyfriend…Fin. He just needs to be reminded one last time so that he can move on with his life as I have already done with mine." She gave him a persistent penetrating look._

"_We were never…physically involved. Love was in the air but it never transformed into a relationship. He was-and still is-married…well separated according to him but everyone in Atlanta knows he is never gonna get divorced. He and his wife have been together forever. They have three daughters. All I could ever offer him was sex, and this is not a reason good enough for me to embark upon a relationship. I was never this type of superficial woman. I need more from a man, more from my life than just to be there just to please Sam. I explained to him over a year ago that I was in a different stage in my life; that I wasn't in the same page any-more; that I had moved on. He is finding it hard to give up on us but I didn't do anything to encourage him. I don't usually get men worked up about him just to see them suffer." She let that sink in, clearly dropping a hint about the nature of their own relationship._

_"How could you even think I would do such a thing?"_ Her voice was showing her disappointment in him. It worked cause Fin felt like a total idiot, a loser who didn't even deserve a woman like her. He was ashamed of himself and he just looked at her with teary eyes without having anything to say that could possibly make up for his immature behaviour He was supposed to be the experienced older man who would provide her with stability and safety and he had just humiliated himself like a five year old.

He put his hands in his pockets and he stirred to the direction of his door. He wanted this to be over as quickly as possible, drive home and bang his head against the wall for losing her like this.

She grabbed his hand and stopped him, forced him to look at her and the moment she saw his face, pale, embarrassed, sad and his hazelnut eyes teary and pathetic she palmed his face with both her hands and gave him a soft, tender kiss on the lips as she closed her eyelids. He wasn't prepared at all for that kiss and he froze as she placed her hot lips on his. She had made the first move but she didn't wanna be the one calling all the shots so she stepped slightly away from him, put her arms around his neck and held him close waiting for him to kiss her again.

Slowly his face broke into a smile, he grabbed her from the back of her neck and kissed her long and hard;His tongue opened her mouth wider and searched for her tongue while she moaned and completely surrendered herself to his embrace, giving in to the increasing passion. They both kept their eyes closed and time stopped. They didn't know where they were anymore and they didn't really care. After a few seconds they both run out of breath and they slowly separated while their tongues were still searching for each other. They didn't want this kiss to end, that was for sure. Fin caressed her cheek with his fingers and looked deeply in her eyes as if he was trying to tell her all the things he couldn't express verbally. He could never pick the right words to describe his emotional state at that moment.

Amanda felt flushed and tried to catch her breath. The sound of her heart was so loud she could barely hear any of the outside sounds. Her knees were weak and she found it hard to stand.

"_Happy birthday."_ He whispered in her ear and she smiled at him.

"_That is what I call a decent birthday wish."_ She joked.

"I got you something. I was waiting for the right moment to give it to you but then again, sometimes you gotta stop over-thinking things and go for it."

He opened the back door of his car and took the guitar out. He had a red bow on it and her eyes teared up when she saw it.

_"Oh my God Fin…"_ she whispered and her jaw dropped.

"_This is for you. I hope you like it." _

"_I LOVE it. It's so beautiful. I can't believe this. You shouldn't have…I mean… this is too much." _

The blonde couldn't believe what she was seeing. Fin had given her the best gift she could ever ask gift was the prefect addition to an already dreamy birthday; And he was the reason she was glowing with happiness. He was in love with her and she was in love with him. It was finally crystal clear.

She fell in his arms, gave him a soft kiss on the lips and squeezed him so tightly.

He held the guitar in his left hand and he caressed her back with the other one. He was in seventh Heaven, having the girl of his dreams in his arms.

"_Come on let's go, we're gonna be late."_ He said and patted her on the shoulder.

"_Late for what? Where are we going?"_ she asked.

_"You only turn thirty three once don't you? We have to celebrate. I'll call the guys up and confirm time and the place. By the way, I'm really looking forward to hearing you play something for me."_ He admitted shyly.

_"I only play for special occasions and special people..." She grinned and gave him a witty look. "But only one person has ever heard me sing along; my grandma. You'll be my number two."_ she whispered and winked at him.

They got in the car and drove off the parking lot, straight to Amanda's birthday fiesta!


	12. Chapter 12

**Fin and Amanda go out on their first date! **

* * *

The following week went by really fast; maybe it was due to the excitement of them two about finally spending some time alone. The date was arranged; Saturday night would be their first date. The nature of their relationship was yet to be defined but then again there was plenty of time to figure things out.

One thing was for sure; their chemistry had been tangible and they were without a doubt attracted to each other both emotionally and physically. There was no point in trying to minimize it or try to deny the truth. They owed it to themselves to give it a try and see if they could make something great out of it.

The day had come and Fin got ready for the big date. He was dressed casually in a pair of blue jeans and a red sweater. He rocked his favorite timbos and chose a platinum watch for the occasion. He was slick and his excitement was sky high. He run up the stairs and stood in front of her door; rang her doorbell and after a few seconds there she was! She had a big smile on her face; an indication of both excitement and nervousness about their big night.

Fin was also nervous knowing that this was a defining moment in their relationship and the success of the first date would set the tone for the rest of their relationship.

That was the reason he had taken baby steps from the start, giving this relationship time and space to evolve with no pressure or rush. He knew this could turn into the most important thing in his life and he wanted it to be built on solid foundations from the start.

"_Hi"_ She said waving her hand. She was smiling.

"_Hi"_ He replied and smiled back.

He hesitated for a second but he eventually stepped closer to her and blew her a small kiss on the lips. She seemed really comfortable with the idea and she responded to his kiss.

"_You look beautiful."_ He told her as his eyes traveled all over her body.

She was also dressed casually in a tight pair of jeans and a simple purple sweater with a deep cut on top and her hair was straight falling gracefully on her shoulders.

"_Thanks."_ She said and lowered her eyes, while her cheeks blushed. She grabbed her coat and closed the door behind her.

Fin had planned the whole night and the first stop of their date would be the movies.

On their way to the cinema they were walking side by side, dropping glances at each other. Fin took the initiative and placed his arm on her shoulder hugging her tenderly allowing her body to come closer to his. She welcomed this idea enthusiastically, grabbed him from the waist and pressed his body against hers furthermore. She squeezed him harder on her, grabbed his waist with a tighter grip and she leaned her head on his shoulder.

The awkwardness was fading away, minute by minute and they were starting to get used to the idea that after working together all this time, considering each other a sibling they were at this point where they were romantically involved. It was a smooth transition, maybe cause they both had thought about it and kinda anticipated it in a way.

Amanda was now in her partner's arms, feeling his weight and his warmth on her body and the feeling was so pleasant that she didn't even think twice about them being together.

"_So…what should we choose to watch tonight_?" she asked. _"I have no idea what's on the big screen these days. I haven't been to the movies for a long time to be honest."_ She admitted.

"_Well I thought we could check out one of these films that are supposed to be a big deal this year, for the Oscars and stuff… You know, find some common ground."_

She nodded approvingly in answer and they walked a bit more until they were finally there.

"_Here we are…it wasn't that close to your place after all…maybe I should have driven you here."_

"_Come on now Fin, it was only a bunch of blocks…nothing I can't handle even in heels."_ She joked. _"Huh! This one I know! "Django unchained." I've heard great things about this one." _She pointed out_. "Gotta love Tarantino!"_ she exclaimed with excitement!

"_You a fan of his work?"_ He asked with curiosity.

"_Yeah, yeah I've been monitoring his career since his early days. Brilliant artist if you're asking me."_

"_Yeah I love this guy too. Great director. I've seen a lot of his films. We should totally do a Tarantino marathon some day, my house or yours, whatever works!" _

He loved learning new things about her and especially things they had in common.

"_So we have a winner! "Django unchained" it is"!_ She shouted in a perky tone.

"_What are you sounding happy about? This movie is about the brothers getting their ass whooped"_ he laughed ironically. _"By your folks, down south, on top of it." _He smirked and gave her a sassy look.

She busted into laughter and patted his shoulder for making fun of a heave subject such as slavery.

"_Some of you need an ass whooping these days as well. I'm up for the task brotha!"_

"_Come at me sis!"_ he said sarcastically, grabbed her from the back of her neck, brought her in his embrace and hugged her from the back, making her giggle.

"_I don't know about you but I always get supplies. You care to join me or you're on one of those diets you gals are always on for no good reason?" _

"_For your information, I'm not on any diet, I've never been on one actually. So get ready for some serious amount of snacks."_

"_You don't need a diet. You look fabulous. Unlike some of us fellas struggling with our weight."_

"_You should really give yourself a break, you look great. Trust me." _ She said and she made him smile at the sound of that compliment.

Truth be told Fin knew exactly where he stood. He was not a young kid anymore; it was really hard to maintain his figures these days and he knew that being her lover would require some hard work from his side. She was a lot younger than him and quite frankly out of his league. She was highly attractive and most men would kill to get in her pants. Choosing him certainly made him feel confident about himself; he knew she had made her choice and that meant that she really thought he had something to offer her. Something more than just hot looks.

"_Thank you for the compliment…my body was always my best trait; a little left over of my international modeling career."_ He laughed forcing her to burst into a hug laugh.

"_Ok you know you cant keep making me laugh like this in there too right? They're most definitely gonna kick us out of the room, I bet you that." _

"_I'll try to contain myself but it is a tough task…my sense of humor is another thing I have left… from my stand up comedy days." _

"_Honey will you stop already?"_ She laughed hard and "punched" him on the chest while her eyes were filled with tears from all the hysterical laughter.

It was so beautiful to hear her call him like this. He enjoyed hearing her spell his name as well but calling him "honey" was obviously a more pleasant choice.

"_Alright here go!"_ he said enthusiastically and they made their way in the cinema. They got sited, grabbed their snacks that consisted of tortilla chips and pop corn and they were ready to enjoy the film.

As soon as the film started Amanda got comfortable in her seat, lied back, leaned over to him and placed her head on his chest. He immediately wrapped his shoulder around her and brought her closer. He kept touching her shoulder with his hand. She rested on him, her forehead touching his chin, feeling his warm skin. She could feel his breath and his heart beat through his chest. She felt so good in his arms.

When some of the film's romantic scenes came on he kissed her on her forehead and rested his head on hers giving her an exhilarating feeling and putting a huge genuine smile on her lips.

It is funny how such small spontaneous romantic gestures can swipe a woman off her feet. The blonde was filled with joy and she was beyond charmed.

Two hours later the movie was over and it was time to head out. They got their coats on and grabbed each other's hand as they walked out.

"_It was a great one huh?" _

"_Yeah totally…I loved it."_

"_You hungry?"_

"_Yeah a little bit. Wanna grab something to eat?"_ She suggested, while they were walking around the crowded streets of Manhattan enjoying the busy city.

"_I was thinking about taking you to a great restaurant a few blocks down this road. The "Chandelier"… I figured we might try it out. What do you say?"_

"_I know this place; it's pretty fancy from what I hear. What do you say we choose something less high class? You know…less luxurious."_

"_What do you have in mind?"_ he grinned.

"_I'm just saying that there is no need to try to impress me with any of those "first date" rules. I'm really not this type of woman...Besides I don't think we would get in that place. We're dressed too casually." _She joked.

"_You're a simple woman…"_ He noted.

"_That doesn't sound too good."_ She grinned.

"_No, don't get me wrong, it is a compliment. I mean that you're not superficial. Trust me there is nothing simple about your personality. You're the most intriguing woman I've met in my life. It's just that you value things differently from most women and this is dope. Men appreciate simple women who don't bust their nuts with their outrageous demands and their bitchy attitude, believe me."_

"_Well you cause that havoc to yourselves my friend."_

"_What's that supposed to mean?"_

"_It means that you intentionally choose the badest women out there so that you can whine later about the way they're mistreating you. It is a fact."_

"_Really?"_ He said sarcastically.

"_Yeah really!"_ She replied and gave him a convincing look.

"_You're always after those who mess with your head and make you lose sleep and you completely ignore the good girls as if they don't even exist. You see the good girls are boring to you. No drama, no stress, not spending your money like they own it…this is what you're used to. Say it ain't so…"_ She teased him.

"_There are some men who do this shit I aint gone lie…BUT most men just wanna hook up with a good girl. Especially after a certain age when they're tired of those games you just mentioned. I am in that stage in my life…this wasn't always the case though. I've done some ugly shit to a lot of women. Back in the day I was a real player. I didn't treat women the right way. I've been childish, self centered, inconsiderate…especially to Teresa. I wasn't ready to become either a husband or a father and I let it show. She did some stupid stuff herself of course. Ken, however, didn't do anything wrong. He didn't deserve a father like me; I should have been a proper father figure for him and I failed…so I can't really say I am a good guy in the end."_

This was the first time Fin had opened his heart about his past, his failed marriage, about parenting. Amanda was keeping quiet, giving him the time to express his feelings, put his heart out there and share the things he wanted to share. She was glad to learn more things about his past, his life and most importantly his relationships. She needed to know what he was like as a boyfriend.

"_You..umm..never talked about your past before."_ She encouraged him to talk more and she tenderly rubbed his back with her hand and smiled at him.

"_I just need you to know from the get go that I know I'm not perfect. I've done my share of mistakes but I am confident that I am a better man these days, definitely wiser for whatever it is worth. I don't wanna hurt you. I will do my best to be the man you deserve." _He slowed his pace and turned to face her. His eyes were teary; he was getting emotional.

"_We've all screwed up, sweetie; all that matters is that you've learnt from your mistakes and changed your ways. What's done is done. What's important is what you do from now on. Ken seems to love you; don't be so harsh on yourself. "_

"_Yeah he is slowly allowing himself to be my son again. Not bad considering the fact that I acted like a dick when he came out. It's bad enough that I was absent throughout most of his childhood when he needed me the most, I had to bitch about how he turned out." _He shook his head.

"_It's never too late to make up for the things you've done wrong. Ken still needs you, especially now."_

"_I guess you're right."_ He smiled_. "Enough with my drama! No need to ruin this night entirely."_

"_Nothing is ruined."_ She assured him_. "I'm thankful you got all these feelings out your chest and shared them with me. Not that I needed to learn about who you are. I know exactly who I'm dealing with… When I look at you i don't see the man you just described; I see MY Fin. The most caring, altruistic and authentic men I've ever met; a man whose heart is made of gold."_

"_Wow you haven't met a lot of men now have you?" _He joked as he brought her in his arm and embraced her.

"_The way you jump from drama to comedy is remarkable!"_ she teased him. _"Well to be honest I haven't met many men in my life. I've had a few long relationships, some good and some…not so good but I've never…you know…slept around. It isn't my style." _

He nodded in answer. There weren't really many things he could say so he preferred to keep quiet and listen to her carefully as she unveiled her past.

"_I don't even know if me being like this, skeptical, shy in a sense is cause I chose to be this way or cause I didn't know how to be different. I can't really say I enjoy not trusting men, but after all these years I kinda became this woman. After a while you build a wall around your heart and don't let random men in. You never know if they re gonna treat your poor heart gently or damage it."_

"_You see a lot of things on the job that make it hard to open up to men. It happens…women, especially on units like the special victims encounter cases that scar them and they start losing their hope and faith in men." _

"_No kidding! Men don't usually wanna screw ladies wearing vests, having guns on their hips; a gun is like a penis to them, and the last thing they need is another penis…besides theirs" _

"_Ha! I've never thought of that before!"_ he joked. Maybe you should walk away from the job then.

"_Ugh…that won't do…my bad luck with men started too long before I joined the law enforcement. My dad didn't really think twice about abandoning us. He never really cared about us. You know they say that women always search for a man that reminds them of their father, you know, a man who is powerful and protective and loves them unconditionally through thick and thin. Well mine wasn't like that…and deep inside I always end something before it even starts; dumping them before they dump me."_

Admitting her deepest fears was relieving for Amanda. She hadn't revealed her wounds to anyone. She wasn't that close with her sister and she couldn't open up to her about things that had scarred her as well. Her sister had suffered as well, if not more, from their father's departure so reminding Kim of how hectic things were and how deep the marks were after all these years was not the right move considering the fact that Kim was rather emotionally and mentally unstable.

"_It feels really good to get it off my chest after all these years."_

She said and sighed.

"_Is this why you seem to be attracted to older men? From what I know…i mean Sam was around my age…not that I imply that you were together but you certainly had feelings for him right? Have you dated older men before that?"_

She was silent._ "Yeah I've been with older men since I can remember myself dating. I guess you're right …I do search for some sort of father figure in a way. Immature men can't really provide me with the things I need. Older men know more about themselves, more about life, what they want out of it and out of a woman as well. I know where I stand with older men. Youth makes you take clumsy steps, behave irresponsibly, hurt people. Men are known to be maturing pretty slowly too so here you go."_

"_Yeah we tend to be acting like boys for a long time." _He scoffed_. "What your father did was wrong, abandoning you. I can't really blame you for carrying that wound with you all these years. I can't blame you for wanting stability in your love life cause of your upbringing either. Keep in mind that not all men are bad though. "_

Fin's firm voice and the warmth behind it possessed the power to calm her, make her feel confident that things were always gonna work out.

"_I'm starting to think so too myself. There are still good men out there_." She leveled a long appraising stare at him, reached out for his lips and bit his lower lip resulting into a big passionate kiss. He responded to her kiss, parted her lips with his tongue and he soon had his tongue inside her moth tangling with hers pushing deeper and then withdrawing, keeping a sensual pace that made her head spin and left her barely standing on her feet.

"_Do you know how many times I dreamed about kissing you? _He whispered in her ear as he tried to catch his breath. _"Countless; and It wasn't half as good as it is in reality." _He added and he bit her ear softly giving her a shiver all over her body that stroked her like electricity.

She moaned in answer; she was incapable of thinking straight after that mind blowing kiss.

"_So it is time we decide what to do. Where should we go now? Any suggestions?"_

"_You really don't wanna know what I have in mind."_ She mumbled in a witty tone.

"_Try me!"_

"_All this time in New York and I haven't been to the beach."_ She said hesitantly. _"I mean the night is so beautiful; kinda makes me wonder how bright these stars would be in a place away from the city lights, somewhere isolated, peaceful."_

She raised her face and looked at the sky, closed her eyes and took a big breath.

"_I can tell you that some stars are so bright that you can see them from right here as well."_

She turned her head to face him, waiting for him to explain what he meant when she saw him staring at her admiring the view. She felt so flattered that she lowered her eyes and giggled like a little girl and tried to get back into the subject.

"_Aint no better place to be, in my opinion. It is my dream to buy a beach house someday…Watch the sunset; observe the sun as it dives into the sea. I could look at the sea forever." _She continued.

"_Your wish is always my command, my lady! I know just the place to show you. Come on! We're gonna need your truck."_ He interrupted her daydreaming.

"_Wait, we're really going to the beach? Without planning it in advance?"_ She was shocked at his determination.

"_Why the hell not? We sure as hell have broken all the "first date" rules so we might as well take it to a whole new level." _

"_Screw the fuckin rules!"_ she shouted with excitement.

"_We gotta hurry though, if we wanna get there at a reasonable hour."_

"_I don't mind staying out late…I haven't planned on sleeping tonight anyway."_ She said and looked straight into his eyes. He looked back at her and gave her a faint smile.

"_I wish I had my swimming suite on." _She said.

"_You could always swim naked."_ He teased her. _"Alright so here is the deal. We take your car, grab something to eat and hit the road heading to the most beautiful beach New York has to offer. We can be there by midnight if we take off right away."_

"_Alright let's go! We should probably take some warm clothes or a blanket with us or something. Let's go to my place first."_

They got to her apartment, took some things and hit the road after purchasing some delicious take out food and beer.

They knew they were in for a long trip so they figured they should be as comfortable as possible. She took her coat off and cuddled in the passengers' seat and put one of her favorite CDs on. It was a weird feeling letting someone else drive her truck. He was in charge and she was totally cool with it.

This was the same reason why she didn't ask for further details about their destination. She didn't wanna spoil the surprise and she had complete trust in him. She felt safe next to him, protected, like nothing unpleasant could ever happen to her and it was a feeling she was in need of for so long. She figured that the best thing to do would be to close her eyes and enjoy it to the fullest.

Fin on the other hand was living a dream and he was positive that he would wake up at some point, alone, without her sitting next to him, smiling, looking out the window at the scenery with her blue eyes glowing with excitement.

He thought this was too good to be true as if he didn't deserve this amount of happiness; like he had stolen something and it was a matter of time before the rightful owner came knocking on his door to retrieve it. Most of all he felt so lucky to have found a woman he was in sync with. It made things a lot easier for him and made a die hard bachelor, accustomed to one night stands, consider getting back on the wild horse that is a real relationship.

* * *

**FIRST PART OF THEIR DATE IS OVER...STAY TUNED FOR PART 2 IN A FEW DAYS! ;)**


	13. Chapter 13

They had been on the road for a little more than half an hour, listening to music, chatting about showbiz and randomly gossiping about reality shows and celebrity drama.

"_The smell coming out of this bag is killing me. What is in there? Fries?" _He said.

"_Yeah I believe so; you want some?_ She suggested.

"_No, I'll wait till we get to our destination. We've already made this date significantly unorthodox; we might wanna stick to doing some things by the book."_

"_Give me a break. Don't be silly!"_ She said; she opened the paper bags, took a handful of French fries and hand-fed Fin while he was driving.

"_Ha! You're crazy! I love you!"_ He exclaimed and laughed at the sight of Amanda literally not giving a shit about ruining their dinner date_. "Hmm they're so good; give me some more…could you dip them in the sauce too?" _He said and licked his lips to get a taste of the salt. He was starving and so was she.

"_Yeah, hold on…"_ She searched in the bags and soon she had their fries, sauce and hot wings out of their packages ready to be savored. The moment they would hit a red light she would feed some chicken to him and he almost choked since he was laughing at this whole surreal situation. She had some chicken herself and before either of them noticed they had made their dinner disappear.

Fin had sauce on his lower lip and Amanda's lap was covered with trims; they both scoped each other and began to laugh hysterically.

The blonde placed her finger on his lip, wiped the sauce, licked her finger and gave him a sassy look. His heart skipped a beat and he felt a strong wave of lust in his loins. He swallowed and tried to change the subject before his arousal would make its appearance.

"_I have sauce all over my hands too. I don't know how you do it but you bring the eighteen year old Fin out of me. I don't think I've ever behaved this freely, to say the least, in front of a girl for the last three decades."_

"_I like the goofy Fin a lot."_ She replied and winked at him.

"_Goofy?You'll pay for this when we get out of the car missy." _He extended his hand and poked her on her belly causing her to leave a big abrasive laugh.

"_We're almost there!"_ he shouted enthusiastically_. "Alright I'm gonna need you to close your eyes for me ok? Don't open them until I say so."_

"_This is the probably the opening scene of every seemly respectable thriller ever filmed." _She joked. _"The is the point when you smack me on the head with a wrench, open wholes in me with a rusty screwdriver, rape me and bury me in the sand"_

"_No I think I'd rape you while you would still look good. Definitely without the wholes in your head."_ He said in a serious serial killer look.

"_Alright then, I'm closing my eyes…work your magic Tutuola."_ She covered her eyes with her hands and kept smiling.

"_Hold tight" _

They turned inside a small rocky road and drove for another mile. The car slowed down and after more than half an hour, it stopped.

He got out of the car and rushed to open her door and help her out; she still had her eyes closed.

He had parked the truck right in front of the sand and then told her to open her eyes and enjoy the view.

"_Oh my God…" _She gasped, not being able to believe how beautiful the scenery was. _"Fin, oh Lord this is breathtaking."_

"_What did I tell you? The best beach you'll find in New York."_

The beach was isolated hidden amongst trees and big rocks. The sand was white and soft and the water was crystal clear. The big moon was shining brightly, ricocheting on the deep black water of the night. The sky was clear and the stars were shining down on them.

"_Look at all these stars. There are so many of them. Look how bright they are!"_ She exclaimed in total awe of the dreamy location. _"The whole place is beyond beautiful, I'm lost for words, I don't know where to start."_

She approached him and got herself in the circle of his warm embrace and squeezed him tight. He raised her chin and brought her face to his direction and gave her a sensual kiss to seal this majestic experience.

He took the blanket from the car, placed it gently over them to keep them warm as they were sitting on the cold sand staring at the sea and handed her a beer.

They sat there for quite some time, hypnotized by the cool marine breeze and the sound of the waves crashing. There was no need to speak. All they had to do was hear each other's breath and cuddle. Fin took another sip of his beer and rubbed her back with his hand in an attempt to keep her warm.

Those two hours seemed like only a few minutes and neither one of them wanted to leave but it was getting colder so Fin suggested they should move to the car.

"_We're leaving?" _She asked with curiosity.

"_No we're not…unless you want to."_

She nodded that she didn't wanna go just yet. _"I wanna watch the sunrise so badly." _She smiled at him.

"_I'm up for it. It's only a few hours away. But we should get inside if we wanna avoid freezing to death out here."_ He said and helped her get up from the sand and walk to the car.

The inside of the car was warm and cozy. They didn't waste a second and as soon as they were in the car they cuddled in each other's arms.

"_What is my guitar doing here?" _

"_I grabbed it on our way out of your place. I figured you could play me a little something like you promised." _

"_Sure thing."_ She said and gave him a big smile.

She grabbed the guitar, put her fingers on the chords and started to play a melody. It was the melody of one of her favorite songs she wanted to play for him.

The moment she started playing Fin smiled. He enjoyed both the sound of the guitar and seeing her enjoy it so much herself. She had a big smile on her face, had her eyes closed and her face was peaceful.

"_There only two things in life that make it worth livin'  
Is guitars that tune good and firm feelin' women  
I don't need my name in the marquis lights  
I got my song and I got you with me tonight  
Maybe it's time we got back to the basics of love…"_

Her voice was deep and soft like velvet and totally sensual and Fin was living a dream hearing her sing.

"_It's beautiful. Your voice is beautiful."_ He rubbed her shoulder and kissed her forehead. _"I could hear you sing all night."_

"_Thanks Fin…It's actually one of my favourite songs."_ She turned her head to face him and smiled_. "It's Waylon Jennings …my dad's favourite country singer. I love him too. His voice is so beautiful. Willie Nelson is another favourite of course. Have you ever listened to country music before? You know…before you met me."_

"_No I had never listened to this kind of music before. The first time was in your car on our way to work. I'm starting to get used to it. Some of the songs you've played for me are really interesting."_

"_Alright then, here's another one."_

"_You could sing the national anthem, I wouldn't complain. I just wanna hear your voice."_

"_Blue  
Oh, so lonesome for you  
Why can't you be blue over me?_

_Blue__  
__Oh, so lonesome for you__  
__Tears fill my eyes 'til I can't see__  
__3 o'clock in the morning, here am I__  
__Sittin' here so lonely, so lonesome I could cry_

"_Hey I know this one. It sounds familiar."_

"_It's Leann Rimes. It's called "blue"."_

"_Yeah that melody does ring a bell."_

After a few more hours and after lots of songs the blonde performed for her man it was about time for the sun to rise and bring a brand new day upon the world. The sky was now beginning to change colour and the stars were starting to fade away. The sea had turned blue again and the sun was starting to make its appearance.

"_Oh my God look at that sunrise! It's so beautiful!"_ She immediately opened the door and got out of the car leaving the blanket behind. _"Woohoo!"_ She shouted and threw her hands in the air.

He followed her out of the car and hugged her from behind. She placed her hands on his and leaned her head on his chest. She closed her eyes and took a big breath and when she opened it the sun was finally there giving the skyline a magnificent purple and orange colour.

"_This was by far the best experience I've had in the city. Thank you for bringing me here. I will never forget about this date_." She confessed and looked up to his face.

Fin was also touched by the beauty of the view and even though he wasn't much of a fan of the natural beauties of New York, after all these years living in the big apple, he was getting to see the city from a different angle. She was the reason why a lot of the things he already knew felt brand new.

That magical night had come to an end and it was time to head back home; back to reality in a sense.

"_How bout you let me drive back to town. You could rest your eyes a little bit. You drove us all the way here. It is not fair to drive us back too. If I get lost you can always show me the way. Come on what do you say?_

"_I'm not tired, don't worry about me. It takes a lot more to knock me off my feet. I'll only agree to this if this is something you wanna do for yourself. You know…to learn the area. "_

"_Yeah I'd love to drive around; it'll do me good to know my way around." What if we get a call about a dead body in the area? _

"_Alright then, take the wheel_." Fin walked toward the passenger's door and got inside the car.

Two hours later they were finally home. Amanda was gonna drop Fin off to his place and head home but Fin suggested she should come over for a cup of coffee and some rest before she would go home. It would be the first time she would see his place.

Fin opened the door and led her inside.

"_Welcome to my pad. Get comfortable." _

Amanda looked around a bit. His place was big and spacious; she could see the comfortable living room from where she was standing and right in front of her was the kitchen that was organized and equipped with the basic stuff that a single guy would need to survive.

"_Your place is really nice. I like how you've decorated it. This is pretty much how I expected it to be."_

"_Really? Well I like it here. I've been living in this house forever and I don't intend to move. It is a bit too big for a single guy but I don't mind."_

They walked in the living room where two big black leather couches were taking up most of the room. He had a flat screen and some paintings on the walls.

"_Well except for the living room and the kitchen there are two bedrooms in here. Mine and Ken's old bedroom down the hall. I'll give you a little tour around the house later. Right now you can rest a bit, use the bathroom if you wanna."_

"_Yeah I'd like that. Excuse me."_

After a visit in the restroom Amanda got back in the living room where Fin was already resting on the couch.

"_Come sit with me. You must be tired after two hours on the road."_

She sighed as she threw herself on the couch.

"_Oh yeah, I really needed to lie down."_

He took her shoes off and brought her feet on his knees forcing her to lie down on her back.

He massaged her feet with his fingers and she sighed with pleasure and relief.

"_Hmmm you're killing me."_ She moaned.

He touched her foot and slowly caressed her thigh. She kept staring in his eyes. He took the initiative and moved closer to her. He buried his face against her shoulder finding the tender flesh just below the crest of her bone. Amanda closed her eyes and swallowed.

He touched her cheek with his hand and his fingertips travelled on her neck and below, all the way down to her chest. He hesitantly touched it, then cupped her right breast and rubbed it making it tinkle. The blonde groaned with pleasure and gave him the permission to carry on. They both knew where this was going and both of them felt that it was the right moment. They had been sending each other sexual vibes all night and the sexual frustration was tangible from the moment they got in his house. She palmed his face with her hands and kissed him making it clear that she didn't want him to hold back.

He paused for a second in an attempt to give her the chance to think this through.

"_You sure you want this…I mean right now. We could wait If you think it is too soon." _He muttered_. "I didn't mean to be so pushy."_

"_You didn't do anything wrong baby. I wanted this to happen…I want it…you."_ She replied and raised her eyes to meet his as she touched his face.

After taking her approval he kissed her neck from one side to the other while he begun to rub on her other breast this time. It wasn't long before he slipped his hand from the bottom of her shirt in order to get a touch of her bare skin underneath her clothes. Her skin was soft and warm and his fingers travelled all the way up to her bra.

Her breath started to race and so did his.

As he was leaning over her with his body half-covering hers he kissed her once again, attacking her mouth with a raw hunger showing her exactly how much he wanted her. She was following his pace, letting him call all the shots.

He got up from the couch and helped her get up. He grabbed her from the waist and lifted her in his arms. She wrapped her legs around his body and he supported her back with both his hands. She wrapped her arms around his neck and he walked toward the bedroom. After just a few steps he reached the bed and gently laid her on the sheets remaining between her legs. With just inches separating them, his weight was all over her and she could feel his erection throbbed against her leg, before he withdrew from on top of her in order to undress himself. She could see exactly how aroused he was and for a hot second she felt hesitant to look directly in his direction.

He took his sweater off but his tight white T shirt underneath it on.

He looked really good in that shirt. The colour complimented his dark skin and it was tight enough to showcase his toned pectoral muscles.

He took off his shoes and went for his belt. He unbuckled it and slipped out of his jeans. His white boxers was a great choice; one that Amanda approved of. His thighs were toned and totally attractive. She took an investigative glance at his body and gasped at the sight of his raw masculinity. His body was just the way she wanted it. Curvy and juicy and not too buffed.

He lied on top of her and she soon had her hands on his back exploring his body. She jammed her hands underneath his shirt and touched his back from one side to the other and her hand slowly reached his bottom and his thighs. He enjoyed her touch very much and groaned to let her know. He kneeled on top of her and helped her take her shirt off. Her black bra was a real treat. Her firm breasts were inviting him to have a taste and he didn't resist at all.

He threw her shirt on the ground and focused on her breasts. He unzipped her bra and took it off as well and stopped for a second to observe the beauty of her slim body waist up. He touched one of her breasts and licked the pink little nipple of the other one. She moaned and closed her eyes allowing him to do his thing and please her. He stroke her nipple with his tongue and massaged the other breast. With every stroke he would make her lose her breath and become light headed. Her nipples quickly became hard and her breasts were swollen and tingled at his every touch.

She was already wet and ready for him but his seduction would last a little more until she would not be able to wait any longer. He loved seeing her respond to his touch. He got harder and harder seeing how his touch was affecting her. He raised her bottom and slid her pants down her legs. She raised her pelvis higher to help him get rid of her pants and he tossed it on the floor along with the rest of their clothes. Black looked so great on her and her body was divine, just like he imagined it would be. He touched her angles and slowly worked his way up to her knees and then her thighs. He caressed the inside of her thighs making her shiver with desire. His touch was soft and tender and pretty experienced. He knew exactly what to do and how to do it.

He took his time and explored every inch of her body. He moved his tongue from the rise of her white belly, teasing her belly button, to her ribs and her breasts once again making her groan louder this time. He was flaming as well and his underwear could barely hold his strained male hood. He touched her underwear and took it off slowly. He kissed her swollen clitoris and worked his tongue with a great technique that had her excitement hit the highest level possible. She impulsively grabbed his head and fondled his sexy shaved nape.

After he was done with this area he lied on top of her, kissed her lips as she hugged him tightly against her naked skin. She got a hold of his underwear and began to slide it down his thighs. He took it off and exposed himself to her for the first time. His erection pressed on her inner thigh. He spread her legs wider and entered her, making his way in slowly and cautiously.

She remained still allowing him to control his thrust and she took a dip breath. His wetness certainly helped his way in and made it a lot easier for him to move inside her. He took things slowly, letting her body get used to his; he didn't wanna cause her any pain. He withdrew and advanced again with a deliberate slowness, rotating, making her suspire. Their bodies were joined and there was no space between them. The sensation of that connection was breathtaking.

He found her lips once again and attacked her with primitive passion and hunger and she invited him deeper inside her.

His penetration was slow at first and soon became deeper and quicker until their bodies found a rhythm that pleased them both. He was now inside her fully and the fury of his kisses swallowed her cries of pleasure.

All it took were a few more thrusts and the blonde was climaxing. He followed her directions through her breathing and her moaning and knew exactly what he had to do to push her to her limits. He kept the pace that pleased her and led her to a big orgasm that drove her crazy. She was breathing frantically and her whole body stiffened. She was shaking and groaning and it took her quite some time to collect herself. In the meantime Fin felt extremely pleased to see her get fully satisfied and let go of his control. He exploded and couldn't believe how intense that whole experience was. As he finished he gasped for air. His heart was racing and he couldn't hear a thing in the room other than his own heartbeat. He felt like he was recovering from a faint.

She was overwhelmed as well, her cheeks were red and her body was shaking. He lied on her, letting his forearms rest for a while and gave her a soft kiss on the lips and she received him in her embrace. After a few deep shuddering breaths, he rolled onto his side, leaned his head back and sighed with profound pleasure pulling her leg over him so that they would remain joined. With a warm gentle hand he rubbed her back and then her sides, up to the soft part just beneath her tingling breast. Her body was still sensitive and aroused.

"_You ok? Are you cold_? _You want us to get underneath the covers?"_

"_No I'm ok. I don't mind staying like this for a while."_

He lied on his back and brought her to his embrace; she lied on his chest and felt his soft hair with her palm. Their legs still wrapped together.

They both had their eyes shot, relaxing, enjoying the moment, trying to calm down after that adrenaline rush.

Their bodies mingled creating a beautiful combination of black and white.

"_I love you too…"_ she finally whispered_. "You said in the car last night that you loved me. Well I love you too…There is no reason to freak out though. This doesn't mean that I want a wedding ring or something. It's just how I feel. That's all."_

"_I didn't panic…"_ He said calmly and smiled at her and at himself. He was indeed really calm and not at all irritated by her display of love. He was rather flattered and kinda hoped she was feeling the same way he did. Was he really that lucky to have found a woman he can love without the extra stress of avoiding commitment? Commitment didn't sound as scary as it used to be to him. In fact he was rather eager to call her his girlfriend, introduce her to people he knew and hold her hand in public for everyone to see.

These three words hadn't just randomly slipped out of his mouth that night. He wasn't just carried away from the magic of the night. He meant every word. He did love her and it felt like it took him too long to tell her.

That morning, time had stopped and the rest of the world didn't exist outside that bedroom. The morning light came through the gauze curtains, shedding a faint golden light on their bodies. Fin was drawing lazy circles with the tips of his fingers down the slopes of her figure. She snuggled closer to his fragrant warmth. She stretched and sighed. She was sleepy. Fin pushed a lock of hair away from her cheek with his thumb and forefinger.

"_You're so beautiful." _He whispered in her ear and kissed her eyes that were now closed as the blonde surrendered herself to a deep sleep.

He slowly got up from the bed and grabbed a blanket. He covered her, making his way underneath it as well. He lied next to her and rested his head next to hers. She was sleeping peacefully inviting him to do the same and so he did. He closed his eyes and slept, tired from staying up all night.

A couple of hours later they were starting to wake up. Amanda yawned and stretched her body and then rolled on the side to meet him. He was still there. It wasn't just a dream although it felt like it. She raised her hand and touched his thick lips and his cheek. She caressed his eyelids and kissed his nose. He was starting to wake up.

"_Hey sleepy-head."_ She teased him_. "You really needed that nap. So did I. I don't even remember how fast I fell asleep. I was exhausted."_

"_Hmm yeah me too." _He replied in a deep voice from the sleep.

She lied on her back.

"_Coffee?" _she offered.

"_Hmm yeah a cup of coffee would be dope right now_." He put his hand behind his neck to support his head.

"_I'll go make some; stay put." _

She jumped out of the bed tossing the blanket away from her naked body.

She searched for her underwear on the floor and put it on. Her raw nudity in front of him was something she still had to get used to. He kept staring at her move around in the room trying to find something comfortable to wear instead of her tight jeans and he enjoyed the view very much.

"_You can take one of my T-shirts; check my closet."_

She opened his closet and searched for a while.

"_You've got one hell of a jersey collection here…Nets, Knicks, Celtics, Lakers, a lot of football ones as well…Dolphins, Saints, Bears, Jets, Giants…and the list goes on…impressive." _

"_You digging it?"_ he grinned.

"_Yup!"_ she winked at him. _"Where are the Falcons though? I can always lend you mine. "_

"_You got a Falcons jersey? I gotta see you in that." No woman has ever laid eyes and definitely not hands on my wardrobe by the way. But I thought you would treat my babies with respect; being a sports fan and everything. Most women just think of my collection as just common T-shirts."_ He shook his head.

She rolled her eyes and gave him a disapproving look.

"_Lame chicks."_ She finally said_. "I'll choose this one; The Brooklyn Nets ladies and gentlemen! It was about time they returned home huh?"_

"_Yes ma'am!" _He shouted with excitement. _"I'll take you to a game sometime! It'll be fun! " _

"_Absolutely!"_

"_Will you be ok though? I mean…is it something you can handle? Watching sports? Does it stress you?"_

"_No…no I can watch ball…betting is not an obsession anymore. I'm not saying I'm cured but I'm taking small steps toward my goal."_

"_I'm really proud of you baby. You can do it. I believe in you."_ He smiled at her and she smiled confidently in return.

She really valued his support in her struggle with gambling. She wore the black jersey that reached her thighs and was big enough to fit two women of her size.

"_You look hot in it. Black looks great on you." _He noted.

"_I know it does. Black happens to be my favourite colour…in many things" _She winked at him and giggled making him feel horny as hell.

She walked out of the bedroom heading to the kitchen and he stared at her butt on her way out.

_"Oh before you go; I gotta warn you that this is a typical bachelor pad so don't expect to find things where they're supposed to be ok? Be prepared for some chaos."_

_"Don't worry hon; I promise I wont judge! Be right back."_

She disappeared for a few minutes and returned with two mugs of steaming coffee that smelled like heaven and a couple of muffins.

"_I found these in your fridge."_

She took a small bite and hand-fed the rest of it to him.

_Ugh you bit me!" _she laughed and he grinned in response.

"_You liked it... admit it."_ He teased her_. "I could eat you up."_ He whispered in a deep voice.

'_Ugh we've got a sixteen hour shift starting in about… three hours." _She sighed. _"I wish we could just sit here like this all day, you know_?" she said and made a sad duck-face.

"_Yeah me too; but don't worry bout it. We'll get plenty of time for us this week."_

He wrapped his hands around her waist and brought her closer to him.

She smiled with joy and took a sip of her coffee.

_"Listen..hmmm i wanted to talk to you about something really important for days now. You see... Ken and Alejandro are getting married."_

_"Oh wow this is dope, Fin."_

_"Yeah and they both thought that Valentine's Day would be the best day to do it...you know it will be romantic and stuff."_

_"Yeah of course, there is nothing more romantic than a wedding anniversary on Valentine's day. You can't do more romantic than this_" she joked.

_"Yeah it is the most romantic gesture to marry the person you love on Valentine' s Day. My son seems to be genuinely in love and this makes me happy."_

_"You should be, yeah..."_

_"So i was wondering if you could escort me to the wedding, you know officially, as my girlfriend...I know, i know it is too soon and you may feel intimidated in front of all these people you don't know..in front of my family...but i wish you would consider it...it would make me really happy...but if you don't feel like it it's cool..."_

_"Fin..." _She politely interrupted him._ "Of course i 'll be there by your side. I'm not ashamed to show the world that i'm yours. I don't care if we've only been together for no more than two weeks. I feel sure about what we're building together. So February 14th here we come! What should i wear?" _she joked.

He was delighted that she agreed to join him to the wedding; that he wouldn't go by himself but we a beautiful woman by his side loving him and wanting to be there. He couldn't believe how lucky he was.

_"You make me the happiest man on earth..."_ He whispered. He was moved and really emotional.

She kissed him and he held her in his arms for a few seconds, trying not to let her see the tears in his eyes. They sat there side by side, in bed, enjoying their first breakfast of the many breakfasts they were gonna share from now on.


	14. Chapter 14

**SORRY FOR THE DELAY GUYS. I PROMISE I WILL BE UPDATING REGULARLY. **

**Valentine's day is here!**

**This chapter is full of fluff and joy! they both deserve it right?**

* * *

The most romantic day of the year was finally here. Ken and Alejandro were both thrilled that their big day had finally come.

They both had spent countless hours making preparations for the wedding ceremony and the party afterwards and Alejandro as a stylist was the one in charge of the decorations, the clothes and the menu.

A week before the event Fin decided to take Amanda shopping with him, since he knew nothing about fashion. Alejandro had offered to help him out but Fin didn't wanna look like the old man with no sense of fashion, so he asked for his lady's help to become the slick, elegant father for his only son's wedding. In addition he wanted his outfit to fit her dress, therefore shopping together was the only way to make this happen.

They chose to hit the stores the day after a quite quiet night shift; they headed downtown and started searching for his suit first. They picked a white suit with black detail on the sleeves and the pockets. He looked so handsome in that suit that Amanda insisted they should rent it and stop looking around for a better one. Combined with a silver tie, the whole outfit made Fin look incredibly attractive.

Few blocks down the road they stopped to shop for Amanda and after several outfit changes that tested the blonde's patience but provided a very fine spectacle to Fin, they ended up choosing a light pink cocktail strapless dress, tight as hell that didn't leave much to the imagination.

"_You look stunning in this dress baby."_ Fin complimented Amanda.

"_Thanks honey. I like it a lot. The color is cute. I think I'll choose this one so we can finally be on our way."_

After almost three hours out and about, dealing with the finishing touch of their style they focused on finding the wedding present which was also a tough task; choosing a present that would fit the couple and their style. Knowing how modern and stylish the two were, they needed to come up with something that would be useful and tasteful and a painting seemed to be the wisest choice. They checked an art gallery just around the corner for anything that would fit their standards and they finally found a beautiful modern painting by an up and coming New Yorker who makes contemporary art. The painting was spectacular, black and white and grey. Amanda was absolutely positive they would love that painting and Fin trusted her instincts and purchased it.

Moreover he knew that it would fit their home since he had been there more than once and knew the colours they had chosen to decorate their pad.

On Valentine's day the two love-birds woke up separately. Fin was at work, after another night shift he had done the previous night so he woke up in a tiny uncomfortable bed in the precinct while his girl was at home sleeping in her cosy bed. He had specifically asked Cragen to give him the day off in order to prepare for the happy event and even though they were trying really hard not to reveal their romantic relationship Amanda had asked Cragen to give her shift to either Nick or Olivia that night avoiding to provide him with a reason for asking for that favor.

Cragen was both surprised and concerned, worried about the real reason she wanted the night off and like a caring father would do, he asked her if it had anything to do with her sister being in trouble or maybe about her gambling addiction. Amanda assured him that the day off was for a good cause and that she was in no trouble.

Amanda was dressed in one of his shirts, to keep his perfume on her when he was away. She heard a knock on the door that surprised her since she knew that Fin would head over to his house to get some much needed sleep and then get ready.

She got out of bed, walked on her toes and asked who was on the door. She tried to see from the door-eye but the view was blocked.

"_I have a delivery for you miss Rollins."_

Working as a cop all these years had made the blonde extra cautious and she couldn't help but fear that even the simplest and seemly innocent things in life could be dangerous. She wasn't gonna take that guy's word for it and open the door. Even though she was a tough cookie she knew better than not let a stranger into her house.

"_Who is it from?" _

"_It's from a man named Fin Tutuola."_

He said in a nervous tone trying to prove that he was just doing his job. She opened the door and apologized for making him wait. He had a huge bouquet of red roses for her, and a little note somewhere between the flowers.

She took the flowers and closed the door. The minute she was inside her home she cheered with joy and excitement like a teenage girl. The flowers were beautiful and the scent was divine. Most importantly, the note was the most romantic thing she had ever read in her life. Simple and short, yet succinct and complete.

"_To the woman who honored me with her love and gave my life a new meaning." _

She blushed and couldn't stop smiling. Her face was lit up and her eyes were teary. It had to be the first time in her adult life that a man had sent her flowers and the first time after many years that she would celebrate Valentine's day. She felt so blessed to have him in her life and she had to stop herself from hyperventilating.

She grabbed her phone and called him immediately. He was well aware that she should have received his flowers by then so he was sitting impatiently in bed waiting for her reaction. It was the first time in too many years that he had a Valentine as well and he was a bit rusty, but he knew the basic requirements for a happy Valentine's day and flowers were definitely a necessity.

"_Hey…good morning…had a easy shift?" _She asked.

"_Hey sweetie, yeah it was quiet; I even had some sleep."_

"_Hmm good to hear this. So…I got your flowers….They're gorgeous; I love them. Thank you Fin." _

"_Happy Valentine's day baby girl."_ He wished her in a small cute voice.

"_Happy Valentine's day honey." _

"_So…I'm gonna head home and get some rest and get ready later on. I'll come over when I'm ready to pick you up ok? Sounds good?"_

"_Yeah sounds great. See you then..i can't wait…" _

"_Me neither..."_

Fin jumped out of the bed; he felt lighter as if he wasn't working all night. Love had put wings on his back. He was trying not to let it show at work but his eyes were constantly glowing and he found it too hard to hide that smile from his face. He was more relaxed than usual and always in a great mood. Liv had noticed something was up with him but even if she knew he was in a great period in his personal life at least she didn't know that his significant other was the blondie he was riding with. Nick didn't know him that well so he didn't notice anything different about him.

"_Can you stop being this happy? You're getting on my nerves. Not all of us have a lady to go home to and celebrate today." _

His best buddy Munch who already knew about his "condition" escorted Fin out the precinct and took the opportunity to tease his friend.

"_Keep your voice down will ya?"_

"_It is plain to see that you're in love, my friend. Everyone can see it so it doesn't matter how loudly I speak. Your attitude speaks volumes on its own."_

"_Jealous… John?'_ He grinned.

"_Very…as a matter of fact… so don't throw your "I am in a relationship" mood at my spinsters face alright? I'll be working tonight."_

"_Sorry man, I will be at my boy's wedding today. I'm sorry you couldn't come. It would be great_."

"_Yeah, someone has to work since you too have already asked to have the day off. Liv is living life these days… Cassidy has breathed new life into her; but don't tell her I told you that." _

"_Alright, I won't…See ya tomorrow man."_

"_Give my best wishes to the grooms."_

"_I will…have a nice day."_

Fin drove home and after a hot rejuvenating shower and some breakfast he got dressed for the event. It was almost time to go pick Amanda up.

"_Hey…"_ She said as she opened the door and threw herself in his arms. She hadn't seen him those past few days; she had been working with Olivia a bit more that week and their schedule was challenging, making it hard for them to be together as much as they would want to.

"_Hey yourself gorgeous_." He replied and rushed to get a taste of her voluptuous lips.

"_Hmm… someone smells good. I'm gonna have to restrain myself from putting teeth marks on your neck, mister."_

She groaned.

"_You look delicious yourself. Will you be a part of the menu as well? Cause I would love to get a taste of that dish. This dress looks fly on you. I can't wait to take it off you." _He whispered.

"_I see you're really cool and relaxed…it's a good sign."_

"_I'm trying to act cool but I'm so nervous. I don't know what the hell is wrong with me."_

"_You're just a caring parent, anxious to witness your son's happiest moment. It's normal. Relax and let me fix your tie; here you go…all set. We're ready to go." _She said enthusiastically.

They arrived at the spot half an hour later and some of the guests were already there. The couple had invited some family members; those who supported their sexual orientation, and a few close friends. Ken's family was far more supportive that Alejandro's so he only had a couple of close relatives, and more friends and associates.

From Ken's side his mother Teresa and a few relatives from her side of the family were there. Fin and Amanda walked in the room where everyone was waiting for the ceremony to start and as soon as they stepped in, all eyes were on them, especially Teresa's. She was more than comfortable with the fact that her ex husband had brought a date. They had been divorced for so many years that there wasn't any sign of jealousy or hate nowadays. However, seeing her ex escorting a beautiful woman half her age was a hit below the belt for her self confidence.

Fin took a look at the crowd and walked with Amanda by his side toward their side of the family. Most of them hadn't seen Fin in years; the family hadn't been really tight as it used to be a few years back. Fin kinda drifted away from his wife's family and from his own, after he had to deal with family drama that messed up his life. These days he was distant and just courteous with his relatives, not letting them get too close to him. All he cared about was establishing a good relationship with his son who was the closest person in his life at the moment.

One more thing Fin had to do was to officially introduce Amanda to Ken as his girlfriend and he really hoped he would be supportive.

Ken was fully aware than his father was married to the job, and that had always been the main reason for their conflicts growing up. He knew Munch was replaced by a younger female and he had met Amanda before when Alejandro got attacked and also when his uncle had been falsely accused of hijacking a car right before Christmas. Amanda was really helpful back then and stood by his father's side through those hard times and Ken knew that was the way to get into his father's heart. He was old and experienced enough to know that there was something more about that blonde than his father was willing to let him on.

On Christmas Eve, when Amanda had kindly declined his invitation to join them for dinner he had seen his father's eyes lose their shine. Alejandro had noted that his future father in law was in love but Ken couldn't believe it at first. However after hearing that his father was gonna bring his "partner" with him to the wedding there was absolutely no doubt in his mind that she was the one. He was relieved to know that his dad wasn't alone; that he had a companion and someone to share his life with. He deserved to have a real girlfriend by his side. The obvious differences between them weren't important to Ken. He had learnt the hard way how disastrous and ridiculous judging someone's preferences was. If his father was indeed in love with that young woman then he would completely support his choice and give them his best wishes.

Fin stopped assuming the worst and just took a big breath as he approached his ex wife. He would have to deal with his son's reaction when the time came. Until then he had no reason to be nervous. Everyone else's opinion didn't really matter to him anyway. He was never the type of man who would let irrelevant people's opinion change his mind.

"_Good to see you Teresa, Danika long time no see; Terry how you doin'? Good to see you; it's been a while. I'd like you all to meet Amanda."_

"_Nice to meet you Amanda."_ They all said in one voice and extended their hands for a handshake.

"_Hi Teresa, nice to meet you too"_

"_I've heard some things about you."_ Teresa started the conversation in an attempt to break the ice and make Amanda feel comfortable in a family gathering full of people she had never met before.

"_Fin tells us you're his new partner at work. You're from Georgia… I believe?"_

_"Yeah me and Fin are…paired up… at work. I do come from Georgia…yeah…born and raised."_

"_Your accent is not as heavy as someone would expect."_ She joked.

"_Well I never really had a heavy accent, even back home; but I tried to reduce it when I came here. You know what they say; when in Rome do as the Romans do."_ She giggled.

She was still feeling a bit awkward but she was beginning to relax and be more like herself_. _

"_Fin has talked to me about you."_

"_Oh I hope he did me justice."_ Teresa joked and Fin grinned.

"_How have you been Teresa? I haven't seen you in a while. Our boy is a grown man…getting hitched. Time flies huh?"_

"_Yes time passes by in a blink of an eye. Ken is twenty eight years old…I still remember him in dippers. "_ Teresa began to tear up and Fin decided to change the subject.

"_Alright, no need to get depressed about growing up now. Let's focus on what we're here for today."_

"_He is right."_ Amanda backed him up_. "There is no need to think about aging. "_

"_It's easy for you to say…you cant be more than thirty five right? I could be your mother."_ She laughed and patted Amanda on the shoulder. _"You're both right; there is no time to reminisce about the past right now! Let's go see if the grooms are ready to go!" _

Ken and Alejandro showed up and took their positions for the was a touching moment and they both glowed of happiness. The guests witnessed the declaration of their love for one another and applauded them in the end. Ken shook his father's hand and hugged him with tears in his eyes.

"_Congratulations Ken. I'm truly happy for you son."_

"_Thanks dad."_ He replied and his voice broke.

Everyone congratulated the newly weds and it was time to hit the road. The reception would take place in the lobby of an elegant hotel at the other side of the walked Fin out and held his hand affectionately. She could see how emotionally affected he was. He smiled at her and kissed her hand showing her just how much her being there, by his side meant to him.

After half an hour on the road they finally reached the hotel where the party would be held. The room was decorated in the same colors are the grooms' suits, pale crème and bronze. It had heavy curtains and beautiful paintings on the walls. The tables were laid, beautiful white flowers were placed at each table and candles were lit. The couple wanted it to be romantic and chic and they definitely made it happen. Chandeliers were shedding a faint light in the room. A band was already there playing some jazz music.

Fin was sipping on red wine and Amanda chose white wine. They were both in a great mood, chatting with the rest of the guest at their table, flirting with each other, having a great time. Amanda had made a great impression to everyone in the room and Fin was impressed with how easily she got along with people she had only just had charmed her way into the family and he was more than delighted about it.

"_The salmon is delicious!"_ she noted enthusiastically_. "Have you tried it yet?" _

"_I'll give it try. The shrimps are dope. Have some. The menu is really good. I don't know who chose it but I suspect it was Alejandro."_

"_Yeah everything is done with a lot of love and care. You can tell they were really waiting for this day to come. They're in love. Your son is happy Fin. Enjoy it!" _She smiled and leaned her body toward his.

"_I am enjoying it…I am so relieved he had someone in his life, to take care of him…love him and keep him company. I can finally stop worrying about him a bit. What is life without someone to share it with anyway? This year has been really kind to the Tutuola boys so far…"_ He winked at her and patted her skin below her waist. She responded with a sassy look in his eyes and a small kiss on the lips, making the first public display of their relationship.

Fin stood up and approached the band's guitarist and after a few seconds he came back to the table and offered his hand for the blonde to stand up and follow him.

"_Oh my God, are you serious right now?"_ She laughed.

"_Yup! Come on sing us a little something…don't be shy…you got this!" _

"_I don't know about this honey; I've never sang in front of people remember? I may freeze."_

"_You'll do great. I know it."_ He escorted her to the mini stage.

She took her position, sat on the stool and got her hands on the guitar.

"_Alright folks, I'm gonna sing you a little song dedicated to the happy couple. I wish you both to love and honor each other for as long as you live." _

After having a word with the rest of the band she was ready to rock and roll.

She played the melody with her guitar first and then the rest of the band picked up on the song and escorted her. When she hit the first note a big smile changed the line of her lips and she closed her eyes. Everyone was quiet, hanging by her the words that were about to come out of her mouth.

"_L__ooks like we made it__  
__Look how far we've come my baby__  
__We mighta took the long way__  
__We knew we'd get there someday_

_They said "I bet they'll never make it"__  
__But just look at us holding on__  
__We're still together still going strong__  
__You're still the one I run to__  
__The on that I belong to__  
__You're still the one I want for life__  
__You're still the one I love__  
__The only one I dream of__  
__You're still the one I kiss good night…You're still the one._"

She delivered the song with a lot of emotion and passion and totally charmed the audience. Ken was touched and he couldn't hide it. This song spoke straight into his heart and he couldn't believe she chose that specific song as if she knew how much it meant to him.

Alejandro was moved too and the minute the song was over he applauded her and gave her a standing ovation; so did the rest of the guests starting with Fin. He kept staring her with adoration and felt extremely proud of her.

"_Thank you."_ She said in a small shy voice and stepped off the stage politely turning down the requests for more songs.

Ken got up from the table and rushed to express his gratitude and praise her singing skills. She shook his hand and smiled accepting his flattering remarks. He went for a hug and kissed her on the cheek.

"_That was beautiful; thank you so much Amanda. This song spoke to my heart. We both wanna thank you from the bottom of our hearts for this gift. It was by far the most romantic thing we could have asked for to seal our happy day."_

"_I'm glad you guys enjoyed it. I was really nervous at first but it worked out well. I'm now pleased that Fin insisted on bringing me on stage."_

Fin approached them and gently rubbed his lady's back.

"_That was magnificent_." He whispered in her ear and kissed her at the back of her neck that was exposed.

She turned her gaze at his direction; his loving look had sent an electrifying feeling up and down her spine. She felt her cheeks flush and her heart raced for a second.

"_I'll be right there with you in a minute. I wanna have a father-son moment with Ken."_

"_Of course, I'll be right here. I aint going nowhere. You go ahead and have some quality time with you son."_

He took his son to the hall that was more private and less noisy. They stood by a huge window with a great view of the busy city streets.

"_I loved the painting. It is fabulous. So did Alejandro. He loves contemporary art. He was impressed by your selection. I didn't know you had an eye for art pieces dad. Unless of course your…better half did the shopping."_

"_What better half?"_ Fin laughed ironically and gave him a witty look.

"_Oh right! I forgot you're single. I believe you. So you just randomly brought your partner as your escort like every cop does and kept flirting with her all night."_

"_You got me kid. I've been meaning to tell you but I didn't get the chance. Is it really that obvious that we're together?"_

"A blind man can see it. I knew you wouldn't just bring a woman to your son's wedding if she wasn't the one; that and the fact that you've been smooching all night."

Fin smiled shyly and looked the other way.

"_She is a keeper dad. She seems to be a wonderful person, and really good hearted. She was there for you whenever you needed her. To me that says a lot about her character. It was about time you found someone to care about you dad. I'm really happy for you." _

"_Thanks son. I was really hoping you would be ok with this. I know she is….out of my league and everything. I know people are gonna talk but I don't care about what people say."_

"_You shoudn't care. It is your business and no one else's. If you love her then that is all thee is to it. I don't wanna hear you talk about "leagues" again though. Love is love and you don't choose who you love. She may be around my age but that doesn't mean she is not right for you. Only you can be a judge of that." _

"_It ain't just the age thing. It's the looks. She is a doll and i…"_

"_She doesn't seem to be thinking too much about appearances so neither should you. Don't be so harsh on yourself. Any woman would be lucky to have you."_

Fin needed to be reminded of his worth and his son's praise was a great confidence boost.

"_You've grown so much. You're a real man. I really can't take any pride for helping you become the man you are. I did nothing for you son, and I regret it till this day. If only I was that mature and wise when I was in your age. I would have been a real father instead of a stranger to you. I'm really sorry Ken."_

"_Dad don't do this. All this belongs to the past. I've moved on and you should do too. Now is not the time to reminisce about the mistakes of the past. We cant change our past. We can only make sure our future will be better. I've already forgiven you for everything that has happened between us. Don't beat yourself up. You've changed so much over the years and you're here, by my side today. That is all I care about."_

"_I couldn't have asked for a better son. I want you to know that. Thank you for letting me in your life; for being the bigger person. You could have cut me out but you didn't . I appreciate it. "_

"_I know you never meant no harm dad. You just needed time to accept some things. Anyway let's not go there now. Today is the day to celebrate."_

"_You're right! Let's go out there and enjoy our evening. People might be looking for us._

Fin hugged his son and squeezed him in his arms. He was delighted to have finally established a solid and healthy relationship with his only child. It was cathartic for Fin to leave this all behind him and the only way to do that was to have that conversation with Ken that he had been postponing for years.

"_Come on, let's go inside. Everyone will be looking for us. Amanda might be feeling lonely without her man." _Ken joked and winked t his father.

"_Haha very funny."_

"_What? I'm just stating the obvious. Oh come on dad we're both grown men here. We can talk openly. Speaking of which, are you guys gonna be giving me a white sibling any time soon? Am I gonna be a big brother before I become a dad? Cause me and Alejandro will be adopting soon."_

"_Don't hold your breath kid."_ Fin joked and patted him on his shoulder.

"_Why not? Haven't you ever thought about having another baby? What does she think? What are her life plans?"_

"_It's too early to even be talking about serious matters like this one Ken. We've just started dating. Don't stress me like that! Come on let's go back in."_

Fin hadn't thought about this matter before Ken brought it up and it was such an important topic that needed to be taken seriously and it was neither the time nor the place for Fin to open this chapter.

The band was playing a slow love song and as soon as Fin entered the room he turned his gaze on his lady and smiled.

"_Shall we dance miss?"_ he offered and kissed her hand.

She was taken by surprise by his offer and she was curious to see if he could dance. She never thought he was the dancing type but then again he had been full of surprises from the beginning of their was true that Fin wasn't a big fan of dancing but he felt like breaking buriers that night and dancing was the first frontier. Maybe it was the man to man talk he had just had with Ken that took a huge weight off his shoulders and made him look at things with a fresh eye.

She took his hand and rushed to the dance floor laughing all the way settled his hands on her thin waist and she rested her arms on his chest leaning her head to his neck.

"_Are you trying to impress me?"_ She whispered to him and looked in his eyes. The music was covering up their secret conversation and there was something extremely arousing in that little private meeting these two shared on the floor surrounded by other couples who were dancing around them.

"_Did it work?"_ he replied and his eyes were flaming.

"_Yes sir!". _She moaned in approval and he performed a turn just to bring her back to his embrace once again.

"_Impressive!"_ She mumbled.

"_You haven't seen anything yet."_ He stated with confidence making her shiver from lust and excitement for what she was about to experience later on.

They moved to the slow rhythm of the song and as soon as it was over another one came on and another one shortly after it. They couldn't tell how long they had been dancing; the room felt empty as if they were all alone.

"_We can get out of here… just say the word."_ He suggested and she flushed as if she had just hard the most arousing dirty talk a man could of thought of. The prospect of what he had in mind for the rest of the night was intriguing and stimulating.

"_I'm ready…"_ She muttered and sighed with desire.

The party eventually started to come to an end and some of the guest had already started to clear the area. The closest relatives were the ones remaining but they were ready to head out as well.

"_Come on guys stay a bit longer. It's still early."_ Ken protested but his mother was already determined to leave since her feet were killing her and she desperately needed a good nap.

"_You too dad."_ Fin was picking up Amanda' s coat ready to leave.

"_They may have other plans mi amor."_ Alejandro pointed out.

"_Oh yes of course. The day requires a more private celebration. I see. You two enjoy your evening!" _Ken smiled and gave his dad a sassy look.

"_I had the best time tonight guys. Good night." _Amanda politely greeted the couple and put her coat on.

"_It was a pleasure having you here tonight Amanda. We will be seeing more of each other from now on. Thank you for honouring us with your presence…both of you."_

"_You're welcome son. Good night."_

On their way out Amanda suggested she should drive, knowing that her man had had a bit too much wine.

"_We're not going anywhere. We're not going back home tonight. Follow me." _

"_Where are we going?" _The blonde was clueless about what he had in mind.

It turned out that he had made reservations for the night and hey didn't need to move an inch. All they had to do was take the elevator to the last floor and spend the night in one of the best rooms the luxurious hotel had to blonde gasped and raised her eyebrows in total surprise._ "We're gonna do what?"_

"_You heard me! After you, my lady."_

They entered the elevator and a few seconds later they were there. Their room was huge, luxurious and beautifully decorated. A king size bed , with chocolate bed spreads and fluffy crème pillows took most of the space and the fire place at the other side of the room shed a dim yellow light on the walls.

"Oh wow! This place is beyond beautiful. Look at the roses on the bed."

Amanda looked around, eager to check out the rest of the room and the big bathroom with the huge bath tub full of warm water and oils stole her heart. Fin didn't waste any time and poured champagne in two glasses. A bowl of strawberries were placed right next to the bottle.

"_Cheers"_ He raised his glass in order to propose a toast.

"_To us! To this beautiful night in front of us." _

"_To us"_ she repeated after him and took a small sip.

"_How about we lose some of those clothes and hit the tab?" He suggested._

"_Sounds great!" _

He took his suit jacket off and shortly after his shoes and his pants. She took off her shoes and got rid of her jewellery. He brought her body close to him and got a hand of her dress. He started pulling it up revealing her body inch by inch and he finally took it off while she assisted him by raising her hands above her head. He rested his forehead on her belly and kissed her navel. He took her bra off and slid her underwear down her legs.

She helped him get rid of his shirt and his white T shirt underneath it and he was now down to his underwear. She caressed his body with her hands and kissed his chest moving up to his neck and gradually his lips. The scent of his bare flesh combined with his perfume was irresistible and she couldn't resist sniffing his smell like she was getting took his underwear off and followed her to the bathroom.

Fin got in the warm water and lied on his back inviting her to do the same. She got in and lied on top of him, her back facing his front. She rested her head on his chest and got comfortable. He had his legs spread wide open to invite her body between them. They remained in this position for quite a while, relaxing, soaking, enjoying the intimacy it provided them with.

Fin massaged her shoulders, caressed her neck and moved his finger tips from her chest down low between her legs. His touch on her private parts was arousing and the element of the water maximized the pleasure for her. He worked her clitoris with such a satisfying pace that the blonde was gasping for air, moving frantically in his embrace giving in to the growing intensity of the waves of lust in her loins.

"_Oh God!"_ She exclaimed. _"My God Fin! What re you doing to me?"_ She sighed.

He let her recuperate for a few seconds. He didn't want her to finish this early. They had all night for that.

"_I could get used to this you know!"_

"_I want you to. There is plenty more where it comes from." _

He took the initiative to leave the tab and move on to the bedroom. He wrapped a bathrobe around her and himself and drove her to the bed. He lied on his back, and led her to climb on him.

He wanted her to take the lead tonight. He wanted her to call the shots and show him the way she wanted to proceed. She sat on his naked body and he wrapped his hands around her back bringing her closer to him.

They spent the rest of the night making love, resting in each other's arms and then making love again. When the sun rose they were asleep exhausted from the intense moments they had just shared.

* * *

**THINGS WILL BE A BIT DIFFERENT ON THE NEXT TO FOCUS A BIT ON MISS ROLLINS' LIFE AND STRUGGLES ;) STAY TUNED**


	15. Chapter 15

It was 3 am in the morning. Amanda was sleeping peacefully in Fin's arms at his place, where they would spend most their nights since they hooked up.

Her phone rang disturbing the peace, causing the blonde to wake up violently from a deep sleep. She took a big breath and tried to open her eyes, annoyed by that sudden noise. She checked the screen but couldn't identify the number calling her.

"_Hello…who is it…hello?"_

No one was talking. The line was silent and made her think the connection was a mess but it wasn't. That unknown caller could hear her voice loud and clear, he just chose not to respond.

Fin heard her disturbed voice and woke up. He rolled to his side and rested his head on his elbow.

"_Work?"_ He asked.

"_No I don't think so…it must be someone else…maybe they just dialed the wrong number...i don't know."_

Just as they were ready to get back to sleep the phone rang again. She grabbed it abruptly and was already gearing up for a fight.

"_Hello!" _she said angrily._ "Who is it? What do you want?" _

Once again the line was silent for a few seconds and then the person calling hang up.

"_Ok this is really starting to piss me off."_ The blonde protested and Fin was starting to get a weird feeling about that as well.

"_Ok here is the deal. Next time this loser calls let me pick it up. Such weirdoes dial random numbers until they hear a woman's voice. They get off just by hearing a female voice on the other line."_

"_Ok… give it a try to see how it goes."_

It was too late to get back to sleep now. Amanda was both pissed off and worried. She got out the bed and stood by the window trying to get distracted and calm down. Fin took a couple of pillows and leaned his back at the head of the bed waiting for another call. The unidentified caller called again. Amanda turned her gaze to Fin and looked dead in his eyes. He nodded that she should calm down and let him deal with this and so he did.

"_Hello who the fuck is this? Are you lonely dude? You want me to keep you company or something? I could come to you. I'm just one minute away from turning this phone number into an address. I'll pay you a nice visit when I do that." _

The guy hung up in a hurry and Fin handed her the phone.

"_Problem solved. I doubt he will bother you again."_

The blonde smiled at him and came back to bed.

"_That's my big man; defending his lady like a true knight." _

She crawled on top of the bed and gave him a warm kiss. She slid underneath the sheets and took her spot right next to him.

"_I felt disturbed more than anything. It takes more than a weird prank call to scare me. I just hate having my privacy invaded like this for no reason and without an explanation."_

"_I understand baby. Close your eyes and sleep sweetie. I got this." _He pushed her hair away from the side of her face with his thumb and kissed her lips softly as she fell back to sleep.

A week later Amanda hadn't received any weird calls, so she totally put this unfortunate incident behind her.

On that Sunday afternoon she held a regular training session with the team when her phone rang. She had asked the girls to run some more laps in addition to their already demanding workout. She picked it up without checking the number first, absolutely sure that it would be Fin calling to remind her about their plans for the night.

"_Yeah what's up?"_ She tried to catch her breath from all the running around on the field, pitching and catching. _"I'm not done here yet babe, I'll be home in an hour ok? Fin? Are you there?"_

She checked the screen of her phone to find out that is wasn't Fin that had called her. Suddenly she felt vulnerable, knowing that she had just confided in a total stranger and one who had been stalking her on top of that. He had some nerve calling back after getting his ass threatened by Fin.

"_Listen pal, I am a detective and you really can't afford to piss me off. Don't make me show you just how much of a bad bitch I am. Stop calling or I will come knocking on your door…got it sugar? Ciao!"_

"_Amanda wait…"_ The guy whispered hesitantly.

Amanda froze at the sound of her name. He knew exactly who she was. She hung up and had to restrain herself from throwing her cell on the ground. She was both in shock and furious. She sank her fingers in her hair and exhaled with despair and panic. She needed to take her mind of that call asap before she would collapse from the stress so she gave the girls some more laps and joined them herself.

She was running fast and soon the players who were already exhausted found it hard to keep up and protested. The blonde was so caught up in her thoughts that she didn't listen to their complaints at all.

"_Coach…hello; we're dying back here."_ One of the girls cried out loud and the blonde finally seemed to get back to reality. She stopped running, caught her breath and looked at the girls who were quick to fall on the ground and lay down.

"_Oh wow I'm sorry guys. I got carried away. You guys ok? How many rounds did we just run? Three?" _

"_More like seven! So that makes it fifteen for us coach. Have mercy!"_ Alicia yelled.

The rest of the players nodded that they were hanging in there but not for long.

"_Oh my God girls I'm so sorry. Ok you're free to go. You did great today! I'm so pleased with your efforts. You've made incredible progress over the past months. We will definitely kick some ass next weekend right? Dismissed! Go rest. See y'all on Tuesday." _

She managed to keep her cool and act normal in front of the girls. She waited for them to leave the pitch and head to the locker rooms before she could let go of her emotions. She kept repeating the words in her head trying to remember the tone of the voice she heard. There was no doubt that it was him. It had to be him. After all these years she could still recognize his voice amongst hundreds of others. It was definitely, undeniably him; her "loving" father.

She grabbed her bat; felt the wooden handle in her palm, the weight on her hand. Memories flooded her mind; overwhelming feelings from her childhood. Back when he would train her until her hands would bleed and her shoulder was no longer able to pitch. She was five years old when he first taught her how to play softball. She wasn't a big fan of the game but she enjoyed the time he would spend with her and the attention he would give her so she played along.

She brought back to her memory how attached to him she was growing up. She was always trying her best to please him; training for countless hours until she could barely stand on her feet. All she wanted to do was give up and go home but she didn't wanna disappoint daddy. Daddy wanted his daughter to be the best in the team and she had no problem putting her desires aside to make him happy, proud and most of all make him forget that she wasn't a son. She remembered how many times he pushed her to her limits. His discipline methods that were basically summarized into one phrase that made Amanda who she was today: _"Boys don't cry and winners don't lose." _

How could he get her hooked on him and then abandon her like she meant absolutely nothing to him? What kind of father does that to their kid? She thought to herself over and over again back then. She was mature now though, definitely wiser and independent. She didn't need anyone in her life. She was fine on her own so he should just go back to hell where he came from.

She stroke one ball after another, taking them all out the park, until she couldn't lift her bat anymore. She breathed heavily threw her bat on the ground and cried out loud.

"_God damn you Amanda. When the fuck are you gonna learn from your mistakes? Why the hell do you let yourself care for that man? Forget he called…forget he exists. Move one with your fuckin life. He has nothing of value to offer you…ok? It is TOO LATE! Your heart is not a revolving door God damn it."_

She wiped her tears and took another deep breath hoping that she would calm down eventually. The girls were already on their way home and no one was around to see her, so she thought it was time to go too. She grabbed her bag, put her sunglasses on in order to hide her red eyes and exited the facility.

She drove back home in compete silence; it was so quiet that she could hear her own thoughts. She got home, dropped her bag on the floor and leaned against the wall for a second. She was both physically and emotionally worn out and she figured that a real hot bath could offer some much needed relaxation. She took her clothes off and hit the shower.

The warm water revitalized her flesh and cleared her head from those unpleasant thoughts. She stayed in the shower for over fifteen minutes until her brain was numb and her body was totally relaxed. She dried her hair with a towel and wrapped her body in a rope. She got a pair of underwear on and a loose T shirt that left her right shoulder exposed. She took a beer out the fridge, opened it and took a long sip which she enjoyed a bit too much. She placed the bottle on the counter and let a deep sigh of pleasure. She needed a drink so badly all day.

Fin was gonna be there at any minute, which made her so happy and grateful for having him in her life. As long as he was by her side she felt fearless, untouchable and stronger than ever. It was such a unique and unprecedented feeling for her.

However she was a bit nervous that she would have to tell him about her father and how he had been reaching out for her. She wasn't thrilled about letting her family drama in her love life but he needed to know who the secret stalker was.

As soon as she opened the door she saw him standing there smiling with his mouth wide open, showing his teeth, acting goofy. He had a box of ice cream with him. He stepped inside and kissed her on his way in.

"_Hmm someone is fresh out the shower."_ He sniffed her neck, kissed her shoulder first and moved down to her sternum. He was gonna go all the way down to her chest if he wasn't in a hurry to put the ice cream in the refrigerator before it melted. _"You look beautiful…"_ He whispered in her ear and exhaled some hot air on her skin that made her shiver. She smiled at him showing him how flattered she felt.

"_Hmm strawberry flavor…my favorite….Wise choice baby."_ She said in a cheerful tone.

"_Good to know! I love learning new things about you every day!"_ He answered happily.

She smiled back at him said and although she tried to act normal Fin noticed darkness in her eyes. She wasn't her usual self.

He looked straight into her eyes and raised his eyebrows.

"_Are you ok Amanda? Is something wrong? Something you wanna share with me?" _

"_No everything is fine. I'm good."_

Her response didn't fool him. Something was definitely up. He came closer to her and held her in his arms. He stroked her hair and she nestled in his arms.

"_Are you sure about that?"_

"_Yeah…I am. You know what? I need some fresh air. Come with me."_ She suggested.

"_Go where?" _

"_You'll see."_

She took a couple of beers and the ice cream along with two spoons. He followed her in the bedroom and outside the window through the fire escape. She led him upstairs to the roof top. There were a bunch of chairs and an outdoor table there. There was also a barbecue grill and a few flower pots.

"_You guys have done wonders with this place. Whose idea was it to reform and decorate the roof top space?"_

"_It was already done when I got here. This was probably what made me rent this place. I loved having somewhere to go when the four walls of the house would make me feel suffocated." _

"_It's beautiful up here."_ He agreed.

She had him sit on a chair and she sit right opposite to him. She handed him the beer and opened the ice cream. He took a big piece of ice cream and after licking half of it with his tongue he handed it to her.

"_Hmm it's delicious. I could eat tons of ice cream." _She moaned with pleasure.

He spotted some ice cream left on her lower lip, rushed to lick it off and ended up biting her lip softly.

Even though she wasn't at the best mood she couldn't fight the lust she felt when his teeth bit her lip. She wanted to talk about the issue that had been bugging her but at the same time she didn't wanna ruin the moment and spoil all the fun. However, she knew that she needed to share it with him.

"_Remember when I once told you that I don't want us to have any secrets between us? That I want us to be able to share everything with each other and not let anything come between us?"_

"_Yeah I do. I agreed to that."_

"_Well I kept something from you. "It's about that stalker…he called me again this afternoon."_

Fin got irritated but before he could express his discomfort she cut him off trying to explain.

"_Hey…no…wait just a minute; no need to get furious ok? It's ok. He's harmless…I know him…actually. So chill and listen to me ok?" _

He smirked but decided to let her finish.

_This past week that guy called me again but I didn't wanna make a big deal out of it so I didn't tell you… until now. So that being said…he called again today and he talked to me. I recognized his voice. I know him…"_

She paused for a second and continued. She didn't wanna test his patience; he was already sitting on the edge of his seat_._

"_It's my father. He obviously looked for me and well…he found me!"_

Her voice was bizarre, sounded both serious and sarcastic at the same time. He licked his lips and rolled his eyes. This case had just escalated into a pressing family matter and he knew exactly how much it would affect her. He rubbed her back with comfort and caressed her cheek with his thumb.

"_I see. I understand why you hid it from me, but don't ever think that I may be bothered ok? I care about you and everything that concerns you."_

She nodded in response. She felt bad keeping him in the dark.

"_So… did it bother you that he called or somewhere deep inside you felt pleased that he remembered you?"_

His words spoke straight to her heart. Fin knew how to be on point and he would always make things look simple. This was the real question and even though she hadn't even admitted it to herself she knew that on some level she may have even felt happy about the call.

She looked at him and smiled with appreciation. She felt so relieved that he could read into her like, saving her the trouble of finding the right words to explain how she felt.

"_I don't know just yet…I am angry and confused and….angry...you know? I've written him off my life already and it was HIS fault that it happened…so what the hell does he want now? Hasn't he caused me enough pain and trauma already? You know how many years it took me to trust men again? How many tears I shed when I made up my mind that unlike most kids i couldn't be sure about my father's love? He used me Fin…who the fuck does that?" _

Fin was listening carefully as she unveiled her past with each thing she said. He had a lot of questions and many gaps for her to fill in. As she kept talking he realized that her father issues didn't just end the day he left them. There was a lot more going on afterwards that he didn't know of. Apparently she was more than justified to hate him so much.

"_How long has it been since you two have seen each other?"_

"_Exactly fifteen years. A whole life…"_

"_So you two met after he walked out on you right?" _

"_Yeah we did…I haven't told you the whole story. He…came back three years after he left the first time. Don't worry! He didn't miss us or anything! No sir! He had other reasons. He…came back for me."_

"_For you?"_ Fin was once again puzzled.

"_Yeah for me. You see, I was the staple of my softball team in high-school, a champion and an mvp. All eyes were on me back then. Talent agents were scoping me all year. So when the time came for me to choose which college I'd enroll to, a shitload of colleges offered me the moon and the stars to join them. A real battle was happening right outside my door. They were offering me full scholarship of course, a fancy car, cash, and economic support for a decade or so…and the list went on. So daddy dearest probably saw my picture at the local news…heard everyone calling me the next best thing of the sport and felt like paying me a visit to claim what he thought it was his."_

"_No way…"_ Fin was speechless.

"_Yup you heard that right!"_ She sipped on her beer, laughed ironically and continued.

"_He shows up home one day, all happy, hugs me and congratulates me. You see, he had already contacted the college that would give the most money and had agreed to make me go there without even asking me…cause that's exactly what a loving father would do for the daughter that he hadn't even given a rat's ass for three whole years."_

Fin couldn't even find one word to say that would make her feel better. He was shocked at that guy's nerve.

"_What happened next?"_ He finally asked.

"_Well at first I was friendly and tried to have a civilized talk with the man…for my mother's sake. The poor woman thought he had come back for her… for us….in order to be reunited. I was also delusional. I really thought that I was gonna have my daddy again."_

She laughed hard and wiped a tear from her eye.

"_BUT…daddy was only there for the cheddar… He wanted a share. I even confronted him bout it…and the son of a bitch didn't deny it. He didn't even feel any shame."_

She shook her head and looked up in the sky.

" '_Gold digger daddy edition' huh?" _He scoffed.

"_Yeah exactly…I guess this is where Kim took after."_

"_So what happened then?"_

"_Well, when I realized that hoping for us to become a real family was a lost cause, I went all out on him. I told him to stay the hell out of my life and that since he found his way out of our home once, he could do it again. And of course I cancelled my registration at the college he chose and chose the one with the best criminology program in the state."_

"_You did what needed to be done sweetie."_

"_Yeah…I know I did. Mommy didn't think so though. She basically blamed me for driving him away from us. I told her the whole truth about his real motives but she wouldn't believe me."_

She shook her head_. "Since then I made up my mind that I was on my own. I built a new life for myself away from everyone else. At least I tried. Ugh why can't they just leave me alone! First Kim who has caused nothing but havoc in my life, and now him. Give me a break! How the hell did he even find me?" _

"_That is big issue right there. I mean, did your mom or your sister give your number to him?"_

"_Absolutely out of the question! My mom didn't even call me on my birthday. She could never dare to give my number to him. She knows I don't wanna be bothered. Kim hates him too much to even begin to have a conversation with him. I don't know what to think Fin."_

"_Could he possibly know you're in New York?"_

Amanda froze at the sound of those words. She hadn't really thought about that scenario. Could he even be in New York? Could he be stalking her? And if so, for how long? Her face turned pale; her eyes were wide open and she was gasping for air.

"_Relax baby…we'll figure things out ok? _

He moved behind her and embraced her, placing his chin on her shoulder. His hands folded around her waist and rubbed her belly gently. She grabbed his hands and gradually wrapped her hands around his arms.

"_I'm ok Fin. I am always ok in your arms. Nothing and no one can harm me here." _

She turned her face to face him and smiled.

"_I'm glad you talked to me about him. I understand he played a huge part in your upbringing and he still does. All I can tell you is that you have every right to be mad at him and I don't know if I would have done things differently if I was in your shoes. But…are you sure you don't wanna give him a chance to explain himself? Is it impossible that he may have learned from his mistakes and regretted his actions? What if he is now ready to become a real father?"_

"_Now? No thanks! I am a grown ass woman, I don't need a daddy."_

"_Are you sure bout that?" _He insisted politely.

Amanda felt like Fin was seeing things subjectively. She saw him being relatively empathetic towards her father and she realized that this issue was close to his heart as well. He was the one being a bad parent for more than two decades. He was the one who tried to win his son back even when he thought it was too late. Maybe deep inside he thought that her father deserved another chance just like he felt really bad for being so harsh. She hadn't realized then that Fin may have felt bad about himself.

"_I know where you're coming from Fin, but you shouldn't feel the need to defend my father…my dad is nothing like you. There is a huge difference between showing your disappointment for your kid's decisions and exploiting your own kid for money and fame."_

"_I see that but…I just wish you guys could work it out like Ken and I did, you know? It's never too late if you both want it. I think it would make you feel a lot better. It would give you closure."_

Fin understood perfectly that his girlfriend had been hurt a lot in her past and that her father coming back wasn't able to make her forget about the struggles she went through growing up without a loving father. Therefore he thought it would be better if he didn't try to convince her to give him a chance. Debating with her would only frustrate her more and that wasn't his intention. She had to take the time to do some thinking on her own and decide what she was going to do.

"_It's totally up to you though. I'm not the one to give you any advice. All I'm asking is that you give this matter more thought. Let things be for a while and get back to this with a fresh eye. You have all the time in the world to fix things with your family."_

"_I appreciate your opinion and you know it baby…and yeah you're right. I need to take some time and some distance from this issue and not rush to take action. Aw you're so wise."_

She cupped his face with her palm and kissed him softly on the lips.

"_I'm glad you recognize my wisdom. _He joked._ Well I know bout fucked up relatives; that's for sure." "We all have them baby. Nothing you can do about it."_

"_It seems to me that my whole family is shitty. We're not just talking about one relative here. Sometimes I feel…"_

She hesitated for a second and then decided that it was a silly thing to say so she left her sentence incomplete.

"_Say it…"_ He encouraged her.

She laughed awkwardly and finished her beer.

"_It's just that I feel like I have no family in this life. I just have my grandma. That's it; and she is a thousand miles away from me."_

She looked the other way and lifted her eyes to the sky trying really hard not to let the hot tears burning her eyes fall on her cheeks. She felt a knot in her throat making it hard to swallow.

"_Family is the people we choose to have in our lives. It's not always about sharing the same blood." _

"_I know…I know." _She agreed. _"Hold me tighter baby. As tight as you can." _She asked him and he did just that.

"_I wish that day you talked about…the day that we fix things and get to be a real family comes soon." _

"_It will sweetie. Trust me. Until that day comes…how about I be your family? How does that sound to you?" _He said hesitantly trying to pick the right words to express his thoughts.

She was so shocked to hear him suggest such a thing and all her sad miserable and stressful thoughts had magically disappeared.

"_Sounds perfect…"_ She said and smiled at him. Her heart was racing, pounding in her chest but at the same time she felt more relaxed and more peaceful than she had ever been.

At that moment, on that roof top, they became a family.

The next morning Fin had the day off. Amanda would have to go to work alone and Liv was already calling her to remind her that she would pick her up from her place and head to a crime scene in Harlem. Amanda got out of bed, dressed in his T-shirt, having his scent all over her from the passionate night they had just spent together. She couldn't stop thinking about what he told her the night before. He wanted to be considered a part of her family. Could she be that lucky? He was sleeping like a baby next to her. She tried not to wake him up and rushed to the shower. After that she got dressed, put her badge on and drank some juice from the box. She took one last look at her image in the mirror and grabbed her keys. She gave Fin a kiss on the lips, took a post-it and wrote down:

"_I didn't wanna wake you up boo… I'm off to work…I better find you in bed when I get back ;) 3 "_

She slipped out of the apartment unnoticed. Liv was already parked in front waiting for her. The two ladies were ready for action. The case was particularly odd and twisted and affected both of them. What was mostly concerning Amanda though was whether her dad was gonna try to contact with her again or not. She wasn't totally focused on the job that day and Liv noticed that her partner wasn't 100% committed to the case. After a whole day out in the streets speaking to witnesses and checking on possible suspects they were both longing to go home. Liv offered to drive them back to the precinct since the blonde didn't seem to be up for the task.

"_Got the keys?..."_She asked her but Amanda was distracted so she didn't respond to her.

"_Amanda…do you have the car keys? Hand them to me."_

"_Sorry I didn't really listen. Are you sure you don't have them?"_

"_Yeah I'm sure. I gave them to you when we came here two hours ago, remember?"_

She searched in her coat's pockets first and then expanded the research at her jeans.

"_Ugh there they are. I don't even remember putting them in my back pocket. Anyway here they are. You know what? Why don't you let me drive...i'll drop you off at home and go back to the precinct."_

'_No, I don't mind. I will come with."_

"_There is no need to come all the way there and take the subway back home. I'll brief the captain and be on my way home too. You don't need to be there."_

"_Yeah I suppose you're right. Will you be ok with this?"_

"_Well I suggested it so…"_ The blonde smiled.

"_Ok then. We'll do it that way."_

Amanda got in the car on the driver's seat after she checked her cell for the hundredth time to see if her dad had called. Instead she found a text from Fin asking her about what she would love to have for dinner. She smiled at her screen and fastened her seat belt.

"_Nice to see you smile for a change…"_

Olivia spontaneously observed. Amanda rolled her eyes and looked at her funny.

"_Wow you must have been keeping a very close eye on me. Where did that come from?"_

"_It is kinda obvious that you have your mind on other things. You've been a bit different this week…less concentrated. I figured something was bugging you. Sorry for making it my business…I just thought that perhaps you would like to talk about it…that's all."_

"_I appreciate the concern…Liv…I really do. Thanks for checking up on me. It's just that I've been having some family issues. That's all there is to it. I know I haven't been myself lately."_

She smiled at her fellow officer and she smiled back at her and it had to be one of the very few personal moments they had shared since Amanda joined the unit. Amanda had begun to really give up on Liv. She seemed to be distant and unwilling to open up to her so she decided to let her be, give her some space and not try to force things with her. However, Liv had finally showed signs that she was over Elliot's departure and that she had embraced change. She was really friendly and considerate lately, making significant moves to approach the new guys and even bond with them.

"_I you wanna talk about it…i'm right here."_ She suggested.

Amanda smiled back in response but remained quiet.

Traffic was a nightmare and a few red lights down the road Amanda checked her cell phone again and sighed with frustration.

"_Your sister?"_

"_No…it's my father actually. He came back in my life after thirteen years of complete absence and turned it upside down."_

"_I see…"_

"_I know I am too old to be having daddy issues but I can't help it."_

"_I'm not gonna judge don't worry. I know all about daddy issues...trust me."_

Amanda turned her head and gave Liv a curious, investigating look. She tried to interpret her words and it suddenly hit her that few months back, when Erica was assaulted, Liv had also referred to bad parenting and it seemed to the blonde back then that Olivia was talking from a very personal experience. The circumstances at the time weren't suitable for a talk about that subject but Amanda couldn't hold her curiosity any longer.

"_You seem to know what you're talking about."_

The brunette scoffed.

"_Yeah I do."_ She answered and looked back at the blonde. _"I…let's just say that I wasn't lucky in my life…from the start. My…biological father…raped my mother…and got her pregnant. I am the product of that."_

Amanda was shocked and appalled. She was struggling to digest this brand new information but still managed to remain calm and not make Olivia feel uncomfortable.

"_Oh my God Liv…I don't know what to say." _

"_Don't worry about it. I've battled with my demons and I managed to defeat them. I've accepted my past and have made peace with it. It took a lot of work but I did it and I moved on with my life."_

"_Good for you. You are a really strong person…probably the strongest one I have ever met. I admire you Liv." _

"_I try to be. It's not an easy thing to do. Especially when life throws its strongest punches at you. Anyway let's just close this topic. There is no need to get depressed. I hope you work things out with your father. It is never too late. Whatever mistake he has made…you can still fix it. I couldn't…but you can…if you want to."_

"_He has really hurt me a lot…I grew up feeling insecure…abandoned. I had no one to turn to when bad stuff happened to me. That night when that son of a bitch laid his hands no me i felt so vulnerable. All I wanted to do was run home and throw myself in my daddy's arms. You know that feeling you get when you get hurt? How you see yourself as a child and you feel so defenseless? And all you wanna do is hide behind your mom's dress?" _

"_Yeah I know that feeling a bit too much."_

"_Well that's how I felt that night. I couldn't walk into the precinct again and not feel a chill down my spine. So I left."_

Liv was hearing about the reason she left Atlanta for the very first time. The blonde had hinted in the past that something bad had happened to her, an assault to be exact, but up until then she hadn't revealed it to her.

"_You did the right thing making a fresh start, although I think you should have pressed charges against that sick bastard before you left."_

"_He was drunk…We were celebrating. We had just solved a big case and stuff. I was posing as a prostitute. I was slightly underdressed and I guess he couldn't control himself. I know that it doesn't excuse him but I can understand how it happened. I know it was stupid to let it slide but I guess I didn't want this to leak. I felt embarrassed enough that it happened."_

"_I understand. Have you told anyone?"_

"_My ex captain knew. He told Captain Cragen. I haven't told Fin yet. I don't want him to see me differently. You know...be more protective of me."_

"_Cragen is the most supportive captain you'll ever have. And Fin…he is a wonderful person and a great friend. I think you should tell him. He was actually the one who saved me from getting assaulted. If it wasn't for him I would have been raped. He came to my rescue at the last minute. The guy didn't get the chance to…do much. I was undercover at that time. It was a traumatizing experience. But I got through it."_

Liv smiled confidently at Amanda. Meanwhile, Amanda had stopped the car at the side of the street as the conversation got more and more serious. She wasn't feeling focused enough to drive.

"_I am so sorry Liv. I'm sorry you had to go through this."_

Liv gave her a faint smile and changed the subject.

"_Shall we? It's getting late_."

Amanda nodded approvingly and started the engine. Fifteen minutes later they were finally in front of Liv's house. She stepped out of the vehicle and walked towards the entrance.

"_See you tomorrow Amanda." _

"_You too…it was nice talking with ya." _

"_Yeah it was. I hope I helped you out a little bit."_

"_You did. Thank you a lot."_

Amanda kept replaying the whole dialogue in her head all the way back to work. She was finally making progress with Liv. She finally got to know more about the enigmatic woman she has been looking up to ever since she got her shield. There was a lot more going on with her than she imagined. All the things the brunette shared with her made her admire and respect her integrity, courage and strength even more. She wished she could be half as strong as Liv one day.

She arrived at the precinct, parked the police car at the parking lot and made her way toward the entrance. She looked around and saluted a bunch of officers standing out front and then her eyes met him. He was standing on the stairs waiting for her for God knows how long. It was him… Johny Rollins…her father. He was right there…in front of her after all these years.


	16. Chapter 16

**PREVIOUS CHAPTER: Amanda's father comes back into her life. He is waiting for her outside the precinct. How will Amanda handle the return of her dad after so many years? Check it out.**

* * *

He was a tall, thin, blonde fifty year old man who looked more like her older brother or an uncle than a father. He was scruffy and looked tired. Amanda froze and stood still for a few seconds, trying to recover from the initial shock. She had never thought that he would go this far; searching for her and then showing up at her job.

He had gone too far and she knew she was in for a big and ugly fight if she wanted him, to finally take the hint and stop invading her life. On the other hand she couldn't help but wonder what reason he must have had to come meet her like that. There had to be a pressing reason and she already suspected that it had to be money problems that drew her daddy to his daughter.

She didn't talk back to him but simply walked in the parking lot and made sure by nodding at him that he would follow. She needed to end this at once and not drag things out like she used to do in the past. She knew better than to let things be and give him hope. He needed to find out exactly how unwanted he was and get the hell away.

Her walk was jerky, her pace was fast and her breath was indicating the amount of anger she had inside her, impatiently waiting to be unleashed upon him.

When she reached a point where the parking lot was empty and no one would bother them she turned her body to face him and put her hands on her waist. She rolled her eyes and gritted her teeth.

"_What in God's name are you doing here? You have some nerve coming to New York and following me to work. YOU will stay away from this place if you wanna make it out of New York alive. I won't let you anywhere the things I treasure most again. I learned that lesson too well"_

"_Good to see you too kid." _He replied in a firm warm voice.

"_Oh don't you start with the same old sweet talk please…do I look like the eighteen year old kid you used to know? Don't even try that shit on me…it won't work this time. Speak up and do it fast. What do you want and why are you here?" _

"_I don't mean to disturb you Amanda. I just…"_

"_It's too late for that now…I am already disturbed so…"_

She tilted her head and raised her eyebrows. She tried not to make direct eye contact with him. She didn't want him to get any wrong ideas about the nature or the future of their relationship. She wanted him to be totally aware of how much she disliked meeting him.

She could hear her own heart beat pounding in her chest. She could feel her blood pressure rising and she was already sweating. Her face was turning pink and the vein on her forehead was making its appearance.

Deep inside she wished he was there just to say hello and maybe spend some time with her like a real father. She prayed that Fin's predictions would become true and within such a small period of time. However she knew that the chances her father was there simply because he decided to become a dad were very limited. Unlike Fin, she knew her father like the back of her hand and he was never into something took a good look at him; saw his face and took her time to acknowledge the changes time had brought on his figure.

He was older than she remembered. He had changed a lot. She didn't know exactly what he had been up all these years but she suspected that he have been drinking all that time.

He kept staring at her; she had changed a lot since the day they last met. She was a young lady back then but she had grown up now. She looked like a sophisticated woman, dressed in business attire, her hair pulled back in a slick ponytail. She was definitely not the tomboy he left behind more than a decade ago.

"_You look beautiful…Amanda_." He said hesitantly in a small shy voice but Amanda wasn't gonna fall for that that easily.

"_You look the same. So, you have anything more specific to tell me? Cause I don't have time to waste. I have a job to do…a life to live. You know...life goes on. It doesn't stop just because someone walks out of it….FYI"_ Her tone was sarcastic and bitter. She was deliberately making him feel guilty and she didn't feel bad about it.

"_I just wish we could talk a bit. If you can find time."_

"_I have nothing to discuss with you." She shut him down instantly. "I think we run out thing to talk about a long time ago."_

"_Amanda please…give me a chance to explain myself. I have a few things I wanna share with you."_

"_Like what?"_

"_I really don't think this is the right place to have a serious talk. Maybe we could go some place to eat and catch up"_

She was starting to get really irritated by his persistence. He really thought that the past had been magically erased and that she still loved him even after all the stuff she went through because of him. He honestly thought that she didn't hold a grudge. His hypocrisy was unspeakable and the blonde wouldn't tolerate it any longer.

"_You know what? Yeah we should hang out together. Maybe you can take me to the park and buy me candy. Huh? Oh wait I am a bit too old for that right? I guess there are some things you can't do...like turning back time and shit. Go figure!" _

She shook her head and walked away from him.

"_Amanda don't be like this, please I need to talk to you. It is important."_

She heard him beg her to stay but she continued to walk away without even turning around to give him one final look. She didn't wanna see his face again.

"_Amanda wait…I…I'm dying."_

She froze. She stopped walking and turned around. She opened her eyes wide and swallowed. She felt her heart reach her feet and cold sweat drip down her face. She couldn't think of anything to say so she just stood there.

He walked closer to her and looked in her eyes. She looked back at him and their eyes met for the first time. She felt numb, as if someone had pulled the rug beneath her feet. She couldn't believe what she was hearing. She may have been hostile toward her father, getting back at him for all the heartache her family suffered because of him but she wasn't that much of a heartless bitch to not get emotionally affected by the news, if he was indeed telling the truth of course.

"_I don't believe you."_ She muttered at first and then her voice got louder, more convincing. She wasn't quite sure whom she was trying to convince though. She needed to believe that he was lying but then again that would add another flaw to his already obscene character.

"_Drop this cheap act cause I'm not buying. You re just wasting my time and testing my patience and I would advice you to stop it. I am not the little girl you played for a fool back then; you really don't wanna see my true colors pa."_

"_It's the truth…"_ He replied in a calm voice.

"_Well okay then, you go ahead and have a nice death. What does it even have to do with me? Are you a good Christian these days? Huh? You wanted to ask for my forgiveness before you died? Did you make peace with God dad? Did he forgive you for screwing your family over? Cause I sure as hell haven't."_

"_I know you're upset. I just…"_

"_Upset? Oh no I'm not upset. I'm not even angry anymore. I refused to let my life go to waste because of a scum like you. If you must know I am indifferent toward you. So you came all the way to New York for nothing. That being said I would advice you to stay away from wherever Kim is at, cause she may not be as friendly as I am."_

"_I didn't mean to cause you any trouble. I just got out of the Memorial hospital and I'm headed back home. There is no need to stay her any longer. I'm sorry for disturbing you ."_

He smiled at her awkwardly and slowly made his way out the parking lot.

"_Oh of course you didn't! You never mean to disturb anyone, yet you do it. Who the hell does that anyway? Who comes back after more than a decade only to drop a bomb and just leave? You came back to shit all over my life and leave as always! You never acted like a real man. You never offered yourself without asking for something in return. You never cared about anyone but yourself."_

"_I just wanted to see you for the last time before I…go. Goodbye Amanda…" _

A part of her wanted to stop him, even hug him and console him. Another part of her felt like he didn't deserve anything more than what she had just given him. He was practically blackmailing her into accepting him again; using his health condition to force her to forgive him. Her logic prevailed in the end and so she let him go.

She watched him leave and something broke inside her. She wasn't as cold hearted as she wished to be. She did feel sorry for him and she realized that her father, no matter how badly he had treated her, was dying and apparently there was nothing that could be done. She couldn't believe it. She always thought of her parents as strong, undefeatable.

She kicked the side of a parked car nearby and banged the hood with her hands. She placed her hands on her waist and felt the tears burning her eyes. She inhaled deeply and sighed.

Before she knew it she was sobbing, wiping tears from her eyes. She leaned against the car and slowly slid down until she was sitting on the ground. She hugged her knees with her arms and brought them close to her face. She kept crying trying to be as quiet as possible.

He was standing behind a pillar, in an effort to remain unnoticed. He had just finished work and planned on taking his car back home. He took the elevator that led to the parking lot and walked toward his car when he heard voices speaking. He couldn't make up what they were saying and couldn't identify the speakers so he moved closer and closer until he got a clearer idea about what was going on there. He heard the last part of the conversation; he recognized her voice and that only made him more curious to find out what the deal was. He had been keeping a very close eye on her ever since she became a member of his team. He was always by her side and felt the need to protect and guide her. He needed to make sure that whatever was happening in that lot wasn't something that could put her career or even her life at risk.

So Cragen stood there, keeping quiet, hoping that he could at least hear something useful to help him get the whole picture. His heart was racing. He didn't feel comfortable eavesdropping spying, being indiscreet but his intentions were good. He heard the bomb the unknown man dropped on the blonde detective, about dying, and from the whole context he figured that he had to be her father. After witnessing how much stress and anger he caused her, he was feeling a strong urge to intervene and stand up for her. She seemed to be so vulnerable at that moment. After all that she had been through she really deserved someone better than this guy as a father…someone like himself.

After seeing the man walk away, he walked closer to her, and cleared his throat in an attempt to make her aware of his presence. She was taken by surprise; the moment she saw her captain there, while she thought she was all alone and had allowed herself to break down she had to pull herself together and try to salvage some of her pride.

She got up from the ground, dusted off her coat and dried her eyes. She fixed her hair and cleared her throat.

"_Captain, hey…I was about to come up to your office but I guess it took me longer than I wished. You're …heading home huh? Well I have some things to tell you about the case that you might find interesting. Well…our main suspect has a solid alibi. We talked to several witnesses that don't put him in the crime scene and on top of that a very reliable witness puts him in his office at the time of the crime was committed. So we're back to square one."_

He kept staring at her, not knowing what approach was the best one at the time. Should he pretend that he didn't see her crying so that she wouldn't feel embarrassed or confront her about it and try to help her deal with her issues? It was a tough dilemma and one that occupied his head so he didn't even hear a word she was saying. Then again she wasnt focused at all either. She could hear herself talking but her brain still stuck to her father issue. He finally decided not to let this pass.

"_Amanda…if you need someone to talk to, you know I am here. Is there something that's bothering you? Can I help?" _He tried to look in her eyes but he looked away.

"_No, no everything is fine. Nothing to worry about. _" She assured him, being totally aware of how ridiculous she sounded. He already knew something was wrong. It was more than obvious that she had been crying. However, she kept talking about the case, like everything was normal. She turned her gaze to the parking lot entrance to check if her father was gone and she was relieved to see that he hadn't stuck around.

"_So you were just talking to yourself then." _He insisted and gave her a persistent caring stare.

She exhaled and trailed her fingers through her hair. Who was she kidding? Cragen must have seen her father already. She didn't even know how long he had been standing there, hearing them speak. She turned her head to face Cragen again and this time she looked in his eyes.

"_I had company…as you probably know."_

"_Yes I noticed that. Was he bothering you? "_

"_Ugh yes he was...but in the way you may think. He is my father…actually."_

Donald was just hearing from her what he had already suspected. Their conversation was too personal to have him believe it was something concerning her gambling problem.

"_I see…I remember… you talked to me about him on Christmas Eve. I believe he has been absent for a long time." _

"_Yeah...he came back…after over a decade of absence. And I am wise enough to know that there's always a catch. It looks like he wants to kiss and make up but I can never be sure about his true intentions .He even told me that he is ... dying" _She lowered the volume of her voice and changed her tone as she spelled the word "dying". She was still uncomfortable with even the idea of his death.

She scoffed and laughed sarcastically_. "I mean…I cant even trust him on that one. I cant even believe he is being honest about his own death. Can you believe that? This is just lame." _

She shook her head and moved over to the front of the car. She hopped on the hood of her truck and placed her feet on the bumper. He followed her lead and did the same. They were sitting side by side, in the empty and relatively dark lot.

Amanda was beginning to calm down and get back to her usual self. It was obvious that she was still a bit blurry and in desperate need of advice.

"_Let me ask you something…"_ He turned his body to face her and she did the same to face him. She nodded approvingly and waited patiently for what he wanted to say.

"_What does your gut tell you?"_

" _Ugh I don't know."_ She protested raising her hands in the air. _"I'm confused. I can't think straight. He looked…sincere. __But then gain he has fooled me before so…"_ She shrugged.

"_You think he is trying to deceive you? For what? What is his gain?" _

"_Money...mostly…he may be into some kind of trouble and wants a way out. And who else but Amanda to run to huh?"_

"_Could it be that he just wants to reconnect with you?"_

"_I don't think so cap…my dad wasn't meant to be a father. He wasn't father material from the get go. He will not change now."_

"_Well you won't know for sure unless you talk to him."_

"_I already did...it didn't get us anywhere."_

"_I mean talk...Amanda… not fight. You barely listened to what he had to say."_

"_You think this is easy for me? I feel my blood pressure rising every time I see him."_

"_I know…I know but the way I see it, you're still not completely over him. I think you will feel a lot better if you find the closure you are in need of. Talk to him and clear things out. If he is still the man he used to be then you will have another reason to hate him. However, if he doesn't and you let him die without making up with him...will you be able to carry that weight?"_

She sighed and rolled her eyes. She knew he was right even if she didn't wanna admit it. It is funny how Cragen would always get to her with his words of wisdom.

"_I don't know where to find him anyway_." She mumbled. "_He said he was hospitalized in…Memorial hospital. That's all I know."_

"_Ok so how about I make a few phone calls to check if his story adds up. We'll take it from there. What do you say?"_

He rubbed her shoulder and smiled at her.

She nodded in response._ "Sounds right. Thanks cap."_

It was almost like a light bulb went on in her head. He was right. She should talk to her father and clear things out. She owed that closure to herself.

"I don't know how to thank you for being there for me repeatedly captain. I don't know what I would do without you."

"Don't even mention it. I will always be there when you need me Amanda. Don't ever hesitate to ask for my help."

Her eyes had found their fire again. No matter what life would throw at her she would manage to stand up on her feet and rub some dirt on her wounds. It was that courage and determination to not let life get her down that he admired and loved about her from the very start.

The next day Cragen didn't lose any time and he called the hospital asking for information. They weren't permitted to share any type of information since he wasn't a relative but he quickly convinced the hospital manager that it was a police matter and that this specific patient was under investigation. He was surprised to find out though that there never was a patient with that name in the hospital files. After pushing them to double-check it was confirmed. Johny Rollins was never hospitalized as he claimed he was.

"_I see. Thank you for your time."_

Cragen hung up the phone and couldn't decide how to take this. He was really disappointed and he knew that the news would devastate Amanda and push her further away from her father. He couldn't believe how cold hearted her father was. He had just lied to her face, acting like a wounded and offended puppy, filling her heart with guilt; making her feel like an insensitive daughter just to trick her into believing his story.

"_Son of a bitch…he made up the whole thing to make her fall for him. God…are you really gonna tell me he deserved to be a parent more than I did?" _

Cragen was talking to himself and to God in his office, angry and disgusted.

Telling Amanda was the hard part. He waited for her to finish her paperwork and invited her in his office. He sat her down and explained to her that the hospital denied having treated a patient with her father's name.

She listened to him closely and gave him a sarcastic grin. She kept playing with the pen with her fingers and stared out the window.

"_Could they be...you know... wrong about this? Maybe he got the name of the hospital wrong or…"_ She couldn't even convince herself. He had lied to her before and he had done so again. He had absolutely no remorse, no intention to reconcile with his daughter whatsoever.

"_Amanda I'm sorry about this. I really wanted this to be true, as crazy and preposterous as it sounds."_

"_Don't worry about it captain. I'm used to being let down. I'll get over it. I'm just angry at myself for falling for his cheep sham. He is a great actor though. I gotta give him that. I just can't wait to see him again and call him out. I assume he will pay me a visit soon; you know when he sees that I'm not buying his crap. He'll show his real face then, beg for money and shit. The same old stuff."_

Cragen was really sad to hear all the things she has been through cause of her father so he remained quiet. Nothing he would say could make her feel better.

"_Thank you for your time captain. I appreciate your help…again."_ She smiled and raised an eyebrow. He smiled back and opened the door for her to leave his office.

"_I wish I could do more." _He stated and wished her good bye as she patted her shoulders with both his hands. _"Are you gonna be able to get over this?"_

"_I will be…don't worry about me sir."_ She forced a smile and walked out of his office.

During the following week Amanda made a few phone calls to certain people, old acquaintances from her home town Loganville who knew her father. She quickly found out that her daddy was drowning in debts. The reason for that was his new wife. Apparently he had started a new life with another woman a few years back and she wasn't like her own mother. She wasn't obedient, quiet, saving money for a rainy day, staying away from luxuries and expenses. She was the exact opposite! She had turned her father's life into a living hell. He was spending money like he was a millionaire and soon run out of it. Amanda felt both ashamed of him for stooping so low but at the same time it pleased her to see him suffer from his new love. Maybe that way he would appreciate the life he gave up with her mother, even though it wouldn't change anything if he did after all these years.

She wasn't gonna give him a penny, that was for damn sure. Fin with whom she had shared the brand new information with felt the same way. He was trying to make Amanda think things over before he found out about his lies about dying. He knew Amanda had every right to shut him out and he didn't even try to convince her not to do it. It was a really unpleasant decision to make but Amanda had made up her mind; her father was dead to her.

That Sunday morning, a week after their first encounter the blonde was enjoying her cup of coffee on the roof top. Dressed in a small pair of shorts and a T shirt, she was relaxing, feeling the fresh air on her face. The sun was high and the temperature was higher than the previous week. She thought it would do her good to soak up some sun. It was a big day that day. The most important match of the season was a few hours away.

Fin was gonna come watch the game and support his girl and take her out to diner afterwards. He was spending the day with his friends, playing ball down-town, which was something Amanda encouraged him to do. After spending most of their free time and days off together she felt like she wasn't giving him the space he needed for himself. His friends were delighted to see their friend again and felt really jealous of him for having such a cool girlfriend who would respect him and cater to him the way Amanda did. Fin felt blessed indeed. So far their relationship was an amazing experience, full of happy moments and no drama, just like they had agreed from the start. Neither one of them wanted a suffocating relationship full of jealousy, moaning and bitching. They were both clear from the start.

The blonde was hoping that she could sort her daddy issue out before the game. She wanted her head to be focused on the match, without any distractions. That matter needed to be dealt with as soon as possible. Amanda had a weird feeling all morning. Almost as if she knew he was there, watching her. She felt like the big moment was near.

She was convinced that he must have known where she lived since he already knew where she worked. She was anxious to confront him and call him out for his cheap lies and his nerve. If he wouldn't show up, which was highly unlikely, considering the fact that he didn't come all the way to New York to leave empty handed, she was determined to trace his location using his phone number and go find him herself.

She saw him standing at the corner of the street. He couldn't see her and couldn't have known she was able to see him since he didn't know she was up there. She saw him approaching her building and rushed down the fire escape to meet him. She stood right in front of him. She looked at him with condemn and before he had the chance to open his mouth and spread more lies she spoke.

"_You better turn around and leave. Keep a distance for your own safety."_

He kept coming closer, making her anger rise.

"_Didn't you hear what I said? Stay the hell away. You know how it is done…you've been doing it for so long."_

"_Amanda…."_

"_SHUT UP! I don't even wanna hear your voice. I don't wanna hear you come up with lame excuses once I call you out. You are a bad liar daddy. You always were. Dying daddy? Really? You couldn't come up with a better excuse to come find me and ask for money? You had to hurt me like this? Like you haven't already hurt me before?"_

She was shouting at him; her face had turned red and her voice was harsh.

"_I am NOT naive anymore pa. I am not gonna let you get away with this bullshit without giving you a piece of my mind."_

He knew she was already aware of his sham so he quickly changed his strategy and acted like a wounded puppy in need of care and support. However, Amanda wasn't gonna fall for that either.

"_Don't give me that look. What's the matter? You're done acting like a dead man walking and now is the time to…let's see…maybe reminisce about the past and remember all the good times we had together and shit? How predictable! I could have sworn you did the exact same thing back then too. Making me feel guilty for not trusting your intentions by bringing up those good times we had when I was still an infant. Save your breath though cause I already know how this thing goes. You will lose your temper once you see you re not gonna get what you want and start cursing on me, calling me the biggest mistake of your life…filling your own daughter with guilt. This is the type of man you are. Nothing but a failure, always pointing your finger to others while you're the one to blame for own damn mess. So for your information, I don't intend to waste another minute of my time for you and I sure as hell wont be sponsoring you and your lovely new wife. You are gonna get the hell out of New York and stay away from me and I do not wanna see you ever again. Oh and don't worry about me…i am totally fine, doing great on my own…thank you so much for checking up on me daddy. I appreciate the concern. You deserve the "best dad of the century" medal you know that? They should have handed it to you back then, when you left me alone, in charge of the whole family. You destroyed my childhood, made me grow up faster than I should have, and caused me such emotional trauma that took years to heal. I was so foolish to believe that you came back to work things out with me. On the contrary, you come here today asking for help like I am obligated to help you out. As if you deserve it! Unbelievable!"_

"_Amanda…I… I just…" _

"_Good bye dad. You no longer have a daughter named Amanda."_ She kept a poker face; looked in his eyes with courage and determination. She had made her decision and she wasn't gonna take it back or regret it.

He lowered his eyes and stopped talking. He turned around and walked away; away from her neighborhood; away from New York; away from her life. Amanda stood there, seeing him leave, feeling stronger than ever, relieved that she had finally let all her anger, disappointment and frustration out of her system. He had finally heard all the things she wanted to tell him all these years. There was always something or someone holding her back, forcing her to keep all her feelings inside her but the time had come when her father needed to know exactly how much damage he had caused.

Meanwhile, Fin was coming home, dressed in a Nets jersey, holding his basketball. He had a cap on and a pair of sunglasses. He saw her standing in the middle of the pavement and rushed to her direction.

"_Baby? Is everything alright? What are you doing here like this?"_

She had run down to the street so fast that she hadn't had the chance to choose something better to wear. She looked at herself and grinned.

"_I met my father…a few minutes ago…He just left."_

"He was here? How did it go?"

"_It's over. I let it all out. More than I ever did in the past. I told him everything I felt."_

"_Good for you sweetie. I know this was hard but it needed to be done. You had to confront those feelings to chase them away and stop them from haunting you. He needed to know how you felt. Come here."_

He took her close to him and hugged her. She surrendered to his embrace, closed her eyes and took a deep breath. He kissed her head and held her tighter.

"_It's over. It is finally over. I feel a huge bolder off my chest. All these years I felt guilty for driving him away, doubting about my decision back then to kick him out of my life. I knew he was a selfish prick at the time but I always thought that maybe if I had given him the chance to prove he was more than that he could have changed. He is still the same though. I have to accept the fact that my father is a bad person and move on. I didn't misjudge him when I was younger. It is a huge relief Fin."_

"_I know sweetie. I am sorry that your father is not a good man but it has nothing to do with you and you didn't cause his behavior."_

"_I know that now…"_

She smiled and grabbed his hand and they walked in the house. A couple of hours later it was time to go to the game. Amanda was nervous but also confident that her girls would win this one. She got ready and so did Fin. They drove to the stadium, where the girls were already getting ready for the final practice before the game. Fin had a pass that allowed him to be there as well and helped Amanda a lot just by being next to her.

The game went more than well and the team snatched the victory with an easy win. Amanda was focused on coaching the whole time and Fin felt really proud of her. He had never seen her in action and was surprised by her knowledge and her coaching skills. He kept smiling the whole time, cheering for her and the team.

When the game ended Amanda jumped in the pitch and celebrated like a little kid. They all became one big group hug and tears of happiness were streaming down their faces. The underdog of the league had had a glorious season and kept going strong. It was more than any of them had dreamed of. The parents of the players who were sceptical about the blonde's training methods at first and watched their kids get worn out all year were now realizing the impact of the young coach's work. They all congratulated her and paid their dues, giving the blonde a great feeling of accomplishment.

A female voice made them stop celebrating and they turned over to see who it was.

"_Congrats coach, you deserved this win, girls! I'm proud of you."_

Amanda couldn't believe it. It was Erica, standing right in front of her. She was watching the game and wanted to congratulate the girls on their victory.

"_Erica…I'm so glad to see you here today. How are you dong?"_ Amanda rushed to hug her.

"_I'm a lot better coach. I'm seeing a therapist and I'm becoming myself again….i wanna play again coach. I don't wanna give up on my passion because of what happened. I already told my mom this is what I wanna do. She cant stop me."_

Amanda's eyes got teary. She was so proud of her courage and will.

"_The spot is right there waiting for you. We'll be honored to have you back kid. Don't worry about the time you lost. I will be your personal coach from now on until I see your name in the scholarships when you graduate. I promise I wont leave your side."_

"_Thank you coach."_ Erica said and her voice was broken. _"I wont let you down."_

"_I know you won't. Now girls if you excuse me I gotta go celebrate with my man. Give me a minute."_

She walked away from the group, lighter than ever. She couldn't believe how blessed she was. The decision Erica made was the best news she had heard in a while. Fin was smiling with pride written all over his face. He opened his arms and she fell inside his embrace. He squeezed her tight and lifted her from the ground. After a few turns he gave her a big kiss followed by several small pats on her lips.

"You did it baby. I'm so proud of you." He mumbled in her ear.

"Which one is your daughter?" A cheery and friendly parent asked him. He hesitated for a second and then answered.

"_The coach. Coach Rollins is my daughter."_

Even the sound of the word in his ear made him feel warm inside. He couldn't believe he had just said it out loud but he didn't feel guilty or wrong. All that mattered was that he did feel like he was her father and no one would ever convince him otherwise.

Donald got up from his sit and made his way down the stairs until he stepped on the pitch. He looked over his shoulder and saw her. Amanda cheering like a kid. He tried to nod to her but she was too excited to notice anything around her. He was surprised to see Fin there as well but he knew those two were really close friends. He didn't know exactly how close they were until he saw Amanda with his own eyes hugging and kissing him. At that moment, after recovering from the shock of seeing his two detectives who had been working side by side for nearly two years being all over each other, he turned around in order to leave that place as fast as he could before she would see him .

He didn't want her to feel uncomfortable and he felt like he would be invading their personal lives by staying there any longer. He knew that they were both dedicated to their jobs and trusted that they would brief him about their relationship sooner or later. There was no need to bust them and embarrass them. Deep inside he was happy to see them together. He had noticed how lonely Fin looked from time to time and he always wished he could find someone in his life. Amanda was also a loner, unwilling to open up to people, making it hard for men to make their move.

As he walked up the stairs, aiming for the exit the lady who had previously curious to know his identity shouted at Amanda.

"_Coach Rollins! Your father is right here! How come he didn't get a free pass to be down there with you?" _

Amanda looked up to the viewers' seats once she heard her name. She heard the lady's words and her eyes met him. It was Cragen. He was there to see her team play. He had most definitely seen her with Fin so there wouldn't be any reason to try to hide it afterwards. Fin was equally shocked. That was the last place he thought he would meet his captain. He hated that Cragen would have to find out about them that way. He wanted to be the one to tell him in person. He didn't want Cragen to feel left out and disrespected. He needed to talk to him and apologize. but there would be time for that later. He knew Cragen was the most understanding captain he could ever ask for so there wouldn't be a problem.

What mattered right now was that Donald was there. He had come to support her. She couldn't fully realize the importance of his gesture. She needed some time to let in sink in. He was there. By her side like a real father. He had been there, patiently and willingly all along. All those games she had played as a student; all those times she expected her parents to show up and they never did, the time had finally come to see someone cheering for her. She had been longing for that feeling of parental love for too long and she was able to experience it now.

Amanda's eyes met Cragen's and after a few seconds staring at each other, she broke a big smile.

"_Come on down dad. I didn't know you were coming. I would have had you seated here next to me."_ She smiled at him and gestured he should join her.

Cragen smiled back at her. _"I'll be right there in a second." He finally replied._


	17. Chapter 17

**Previous chapter: Amanda kicks her father out of her life once and for all. Cragen finds out about the romance between her and Fin.**

**I hope you like the new chapter. It has both loving moments and intense moments!**

**Kim is back in town and in her sister's life. Will she and Amanda get along? Will Kim approve of Fin? Find out!**

* * *

Fin walked into the bathroom to throw some water on his face. He was fresh out the bed and Amanda was still lying in bed. She was naked, soaking the sheets with her perfume of her bare flesh.

They had spent the night at her place this time, rather than choosing his place as usual. There wasn't any significant difference between his place and hers these days anyway. Their homes had transformed over the past few months. His house wasn't the man cave it used to be.

Just by entering the house he could tell there was something different. He could see a bunch of books and a few country cds and her i-pad on his couch. In the bathroom he would stumble upon a box of tampons and a pink toothbrush next to his own. There were two different kinds of shampoo and two sponges.

His bedroom had significantly changed as well. Another pair of female underwear and some tiny shirts were placed in a small pile next to his in his wardrobe. His house was more of a love nest these days. It had lost the bachelor vibe it used to have and it had transformed into a real home. He subconsciously had his fridge full of the stuff she liked to eat and she would even clean up a bit on the weekends.

He looked his image in the mirror and got back in the bedroom. He took a look around and he finally saw the bigger picture. They had been practically living together all this time. He opened the wardrobe and her drawers to find a new pair of underwear. He found a pair of boxers and put them got a T-shirt on as well. A small sexy thong was folded right next to it. Amanda had made room for his clothes, for those work days they would wake up there and head straight to work. He wasn't sure when this change had occurred but he could see it clearly just by taking a step back and looking from afar.

The thought of not being independent anymore scared him a little bit. He hadn't really thought about the change until that moment. It had been a pretty smooth transition, one that went totally unnoticed and didn't cause any anxiety or discomfort for Fin. He felt a cool breeze of change blowing his way and it didn't bother him as much as he once thought is would. He couldn't figure out if it was due to the fact that he had grown up or if it was Amanda who made all this new era seem pleasant and refreshing.

_"Good morning sunshine!"_ He smiled at her and she opened her eyes wider to meet his eyes. She yawned and stretched her body, first her legs and then her arms and then returned his smile with a big one.

He came closer to the bed and sat on the edge right next to her body, covered in a thick blanket. She was barely dressed and the thought of the warmth and the texture of her half naked body underneath the covers gave him a burning sensation down south. He leaned on top of hr and gave her a warm good morning kiss first on her hair and then on her lips. He slipped his hand underneath the cover and found her hot flesh. He got a touch of her belly and made his way above, to her breasts. She wasn't wearing a shirt, which made his expedition to her lady lumps a lot easier.

Her nipples were already hard and she giggled when she saw him give her a naughty stare.

"_Someone woke up with a boner…"_ He whispered in a suggestive tone.

"_Hmm…look who's talking!"_ She teased him back and her hand traveled to his pants and straight to his crouch. She gently rubbed his erection and his facial expressions gave away exactly how much he appreciated her touch at the moment.

As she kept stroking his erection through his boxers, he uncovered her, leaned on top of her and kissed her neck and made his way below to her main body, kissing every inch of her skin. She was wearing a pair of black underwear that complimented her milky white skin as well as her toned body. He couldn't wait to lie down next to her, sniff her scent, touch her hair; make love to her.

He took his underwear off as well as his shirt. She kept her hands on his body the whole time, rubbing his back and his forearms, admiring his body. It was something about his body and his skin that she couldn't get enough of. She was never a fan of skinny men anyway and Fin had the kind of body type she loved. He got on top of her and gently steered her body in order to roll her over. She was a fan of different positions and variety in sex so she played along. She loved it when he would take control and guide her like that. She certainly had a lot of respect for strong dominant men who knew what they were doing in bed and knew how to make a woman feel cared for and pleased. Fin was an experienced lover and he knew exactly how to treat a woman in bed.

In addition to his experience he was really gifted physically which made his job a lot easier. In fact, It took Amanda a bit of time to get used to seeing and certainly feeling him naked. His size was rather impressive and no matter how hard she would try not to stare she would find her self looking at him under the waist. After a while she got used to his body and got comfortable with the feeling and at some point she wondered about how the hell she could possibly go back to average men in case she would break up with Fin. The idea of settling for anything smaller made her cringe.

He loved that position as well. The control he had over her surely provided him with a huge amount of pleasure. He could see her toned back and her firm bottom underneath his body. He slid her underwear down her feet, closed her legs and put her whole body in between his legs, in order to maul her. His pelvis rested on her bottom; he caressed her blonde hair that was covering her shoulders and gently found his way inside her, which was something he really wanted her to witness.

He encouraged her to steer her upper body to face him and make eye contact with him. He always loved seeing her face when he was inside her. This had to be the thing that turned him on more than anything else and she knew it. It was arousing for her as well so she didn't mind watching at anticipated his entry and held her breath for a moment. He kept going deeper and deeper until he disappeared completely inside her. She gasped for air and moaned with pleasure while the speed of his rhythm increased and the depth of his penetration only got bigger.

He would fill her mouth with flaming kisses every few seconds only to let her inhale again when he would change the angle of his penetration and make her head spin. He had his hands planted on the bed, keeping his body in the air, and then he would lie on top of her, leaning on his elbows, resting his forearms for a while. He knew what type of things pushed her to her limits by then and he used all the cards he had in his sleeve to make her climax.

He moved his hands below her body; one was striking her nipples and the other one found her clitoris and kept rubbing it following the pace of his thrust. Her reaction to his touch was immediate and spontaneous. She groaned and her body moved abruptly underneath his, irritated by his rub; an irritation that she both hated and adored. She was just one step before a huge orgasm and she was beginning to lose her self control. His moves on her were confident and persistent. His technique was beyond flawless. He wanted to see her lose herself in the mind blowing pleasure, which was something that made her feel uncomfortable no matter how many times they had had sex before. She always felt embarrassed when the time came to climax. Something about her being totally out of her mind, having her guard down and breaking her boundaries right before his eyes made her feel vulnerable and exposed.

They were both sweaty now; their bodies pressing against each other, the heat and their bodies' scent gave both of them the push they needed to finish what they started. She found it hard to keep her voice down but she had to in order not to disturb the neighbors. As soon as she turned her volume on, Fin closed her mouth with his and right after that with his spare hand. Multiple waves of pleasure invaded her loins, one after another, the next one bigger and more powerful than the last one. She screamed on the top of her lungs repeatedly, with his hand still blocking her voice and then it was his turn to finish. Her climaxing was all he really needed to make him finish. As soon as she was over with hers he unloaded inside her making a big, long moan.

They both tried to catch their breath and recuperate. Fin kissed her back inch by inch and she smiled at him as she rolled over, lying on her back now. She chuckled and fixed her hair as much as she could, considering the fact that she was soaking in sweat. Fin rested his body next to hers, supporting himself on his elbow.

"_Fuck!"_ he exclaimed.

"_That's an understatement!"_ She was fast to add.

She was mind blown once again and he was the one to laughed and raised his eyebrows, proud of his "accomplishment". After a few minutes that they both needed, Fin was the one to strike up a conversation.

"_I'm glad we told captain about us. I know it wasn't the best way to do it but I'm glad we did it. I couldn't hide it anymore. He's been like a father to me all these years. I felt guilty just by looking in his eyes when he saw us."_

"_Yeah me too. I'm relieved we got that out of the way. He was really understanding and supporting too."_

"_Yes he was. Cragen has always been there for his detectives. He understands we're people with our own lives you know? He trusts his team players."_

"_Well we won't make him regrets it now will we?"_ The blonde gave him a penetrating stare.

"_Of course we wont. We're grown ass folks. We've been doing great already and it's up to us to continue as we started it. Apart from Cragen no one else has any clue about us so must have done things right."_

"_Yeah I guess we have! Will we ever tell them? Just out of curiosity…."_

Fin thought about it for a second.

"_We will once it is something official. There is no need to let them in on our private lives for now. I mean, do i know who Nick is sleeping with? NO and I don't need to know. The same goes for him and the rest of them. They may be our friends and everything but until we're escalating into something big we should just keep it to ourselves."_

"_Hmm something big…like what?"_ She smiled and made a duck face.

"_Like an engagement or something…you know how do people call these things?"_

Fin was hearing himself say the word and he was surprised he put that out there. After just four months into the relationship he didn't really wanna get Amanda worked up for anything more official just yet. It was too soon to be thinking about the future anyway. He was considering a future with her of course but he was afraid that talking too much about it in advance made most couples stress and eventually bend under pressure.

Suddenly a noise caught their attention. There was someone at the door trying to get inside. They heard a key trying to unlock the door and right after that the chain blocked the way in. Amanda was shocked. No one else had access to her home except for her.

"_Amanda! It's me…are you in there? Open up sis."_

It was Kim, who was back in New York after four months of total absence that didn't even include an email or a phone call to her sister.

"_It's Kim! Oh my God what the hell is she doing here?"_ Amanda whispered in his ear. _"What do we do?"_

She looked in his eyes and sighed, annoyed by that sudden surprise.

"_Where did she get the keys? I thought you had given me the spare keys."_

Amanda had thought about this very much and she had decided it would be more convenient for both of them if he had a set of keys to her home in case he needed it or just for an emergency.

"_I don't know! I guess she made a new pair of keys while she was living here. Damn it, if it wasn't for the chain on the door she would have been in her by now…i mean look at us. We need to dress up. I cant just leave her waiting out there…though I think she deserves it. She will wake the neighbors up."_

"_Alright just give me a minute to find my clothes."_

"_I'll be right there. Wait just a second Kim. I'm in the bathroom."_ The blonde yelled trying to buy some more time for both of them.

"_Alright make it quick."_ Kim responded from outside the door.

Amanda was pissed even at the slightest possibility of Kim staying with her again. Kim had left with the impression that she could always come back and live with her sister. She could always count on her sister to take care of her and she always thought that Amanda's life was a revolving door. She would walk in and out whenever she felt like it, messing up with her household, ruining her schedule and disturbing her peace; not to mention bringing her scumbag boyfriends with her and dragging Amanda in her personal life drama.

However things had changed drastically in Amanda's life these past few months. Things were different these days. This time around Amanda wasn't all alone, not having a life outside work. She had Fin and he was very happy with her life at the moment. They were doing more than great together, more than either of them had predicted to be exact. They had been living together 24/7 and he was Amanda's top priority.

There was no room in her life to pamper her baby sister and most importantly there was no room in her house for her. Fin had been practically spending half his week in her apartment and he had already established his presence over there. His personal items were all over the house and at the moment his clothes were spread all over her…their bedroom. His perfume had soaked the whole room and not to mention the bed sheets. Kim was under the impression that Amanda was single and under no circumstances should she find out she was involved with Fin. However she was just moments away from catching the two love birds in the act. Amanda was getting emotionally prepared for Kim's inappropriate questions and criticism.

Fin was off the bed, still aroused, relatively, getting his pajamas on and a black T shit on top of it. There was no time to get properly dressed and it was too late for making a great first impression. Like it or not Kim was his girlfriend's sister and her closest relative and he didn't want to embarrass Amanda. From what he knew about her, Kim seemed to have a big mouth so she could easily pass the news to their mother so he really had to give her something good to talk about.

Amanda was also in a bad shape. Her hair was messy from the sweat and her face was flushed. Her skin was still moist from the sex they had just had, not more than ten minutes ago. She put a pair of tights on and a loose shirt on top and stormed to the entrance to open the door. Fin remained in the bedroom in case they got lucky and Kim had no intention to stick around. Maybe she had already suspected that her big sister had company and decided not to bother her.

"_I'm coming…"_ Amanda informed Kim .

Amanda opened the door and Kim stepped inside.

"_Hey Amanda…I'm back!"_ she announced with a great amount of excitement, which Amanda didn't share with her.

"_Hey you…good to see you."_ Amanda said vacantly. _"What are you doing back in New York?" _

Amanda was curious to find out what her sister had been up to all these months. She already knew something fishy was going on considering the fact that Kim had been traveling all over the states for the last three years as if she was wealthy. She had no steady job, no house, no money and yet she had been spending a lot on shopping, drugs and vacation. She knew she must have been dealing drugs alongside her idiotic boyfriend Jeff and there was nothing she could do to convince her to stay away from him and away from trouble in general. Therefore she had decided to let her be and just leave her out of her life; give her a chance to grow up and face the consequences of her own actions for once in her life.

"_I'm here for a week…but I may stay a bit longer if you missed me too much." _She joked and Amanda offered her one of her truly convincing fake smiles.

Kim took a few steps back and observed her sister from head to toe and then scanned the living room in search of the cause of her delay. Fin took a deep breath and got out of the bedroom; he walked up to Amanda and stood next to her.

"_Oh what do we have here?"_ Kim joked.

"_Good to see you Kim. I'm Fin."_ Fin introduced himself to her.

"_Yeah I remember you. You must be my sister's partner. I dint expect to find you here. It's kinda early for a visit."_

"_Actually…Fin stayes here with me." _Amanda told her and got it over with. There was no need to drag things out and make it harder.

Kim was appalled. She didn't see this one coming at all. She knew her sister had a male partner but from the first time she saw him she knew he wasn't a possible target. She knew her sister's taste and even though Amanda always liked mature men she would never lay eyes on a man twenty years older than her. In addition, Fin was unattractive according to her taste and last but not least…he was black. As a Rollins, Kim couldn't believe that Amanda would ever get involved with a man of color. Their family wasn't what someone would call a big fan of back folks. In addition, they lived in a county that consisted almost exclusively of Caucasians. If that wasn't enough, Kim always hanged out with the wrong people and plenty of her boyfriends over the years were affiliated with racist organizations.

She preferred not to socialize with people of color but it would be extremely hard to avoid Fin if her sister was telling the truth and they were indeed sleeping together. There he was; the man who was screwing her sister. He was standing right next to Amanda, marking his territory in a sense. It made Kim sick to her stomach and she tried really hard not to visualize him all over her sister. What would their late grand father say if he would see his grand daughter fornicating with a black dude?

"_Oh I see…"_ She finally said to break the awkward silence and hide her disappointment and contemn.

Amanda gave Fin a quick look but it was more than enough for him to take the message. The blonde wanted them to get the hell out of there asap.

"_We were about to go get some breakfast actually. You coming with us?"_

Amanda suggested. _"Sweetie why don't you go inside and get dressed? I'll be right there." _She suggested Fin.

Amanda pointed at the direction of the bedroom. The bedroom in which Kim used to crush every time she came for a visit. She had to find some place else to stay and she wasn't happy about that.

"_Listen…you can leave your stuff here for a little while. I stay over at Fin's most of the time. You're set here until you find something else."_

She knew she was gonna regret suggesting it but she had no other choice. She didn't wanna kick Kim out of the house with nowhere else to go. Kim gave the house a quick look and couldn't help but check the bedroom. She saw the bed sheets all messy and she knew he had spent the night over. She didn't wanna stay in the same house he stayed in but she was running out of cash so she had to settle.

"_Are you sure about this? Thanks Amanda. I promise it wont be longer than a week. I can't stay for much longer."_

"_Ok…so are you coming?"_

"_No you guys go ahead. I've got somewhere I need to be."_

She declined the invitation for breakfast simply cause she didn't feel like hanging out with Fin and Amanda knew it. She knew her sister would not be ok with this from the get and there was nothing she could do about it. Fin took Amanda at the closest diner for a bite and they had some time to evaluate the situation. In felt like Kim wasn't thrilled to see them together and even though he didn't really care he was curious to know why.

"_Kim was a bit skeptical about us…or was it my idea?"_

Amanda didn't wanna get into this issue at all. She hoped that Kim would disappear again and stay away from her personal life. That way she wouldn't have to let Fin in on her family issues.

"_Kim is… Kim. She is just disturbed cause you kinda took her spot in my house. That's all. Don't worry. She'll get over it eventually. I'm not that concerned about her opinion anyway. I hardly get to see her and I've never needed her to give me thumb up."_

"_You know better…"_ Fin seemed pretty convinced that Kim was just acting like a spoiled kid and Amanda wanted it to stay that way.

She was planning on staying over at Fin's all week to avoid spending time with Kim and she did just that. All week she and Fin stayed at his house and she would just call Kim every now and then to check on last day of Kim's stay in the city Amanda came over her apartment to be there when she had packed her bags and she was had already called a cab when Amanda walked in there.

"_Hey….what's up? Ready to go?"_

"_Yeah I 'm about to take off ….How was your week? I didn't get to see you at all. He has been keeping you busy I guess." _

"_He…is the best thing that has happened to me in a very long time so…yeah I wanna be with him as much as I can."_

"_Huh! What a catch! You're lucky to have him. Careful not to lose him…you won't find another one. He is a rare breed."_

"_I don't appreciate your tone…or your words kid. Careful there…"_

"_I don't appreciate your taste in men but I cant do much about it now can i?"_ Kim shot back at her and raised her voice.

"_Well I guess both Rollins girls don't have a good taste in men then. At least I don't fall for criminals, junkies and abusers…"_

"_It's better than screwing a nigger!"_ Kim yelled and Amanda without thinking too much about it raised her hand and slapped her.

_"You keep your mouth shut you little spoiled brat. I've had it with you and your shitty attitude. I've carried you with me all these years…you've been nothing but a burden and you have the nerve to trash talk my boyfriend? Who the fuck asked you for your approval anyway?"_

"_You hit me"_ Kim said, shocked at her sister's brutality towards her. She knew her sister's temper and her tendency to resort to violence when she felt like her voice wasn't heard but she never thought she would lay hands on her. Even when they were little and Kim was misbehaving, Amanda never hit her until now.

"_You're damn right I did and you're about to get a serious smack if you don't change your attitude right now." _

"_I didn't know you would stoop that low…hitting your own flesh and blood to defend a stranger…is he really that big? I didn't know you had it in you…falling for a BBC…saint Amanda isn't that innocent after all!"_

"_Shut your dirty mouth. You disgust me. You never had a shred of class in you…ever. I did the best I could with you sugar but you were a lost cause from the start. You weren't worth my time or my effort. I was a fool to believe you had potential to be a better person…to grow the hell up." _

"_Screw you and your charity. I never needed you. You were stuck on me like fleas, controlling me, acting like you're better than me…better than all of us. The mighty Amanda Rollins with the promising future, descending from a trashy family who managed to rise above the swamp and become somebody! WOW! You deserve a fucking award! Speech! Speech! speech!"_ Kim yelled.

"_You stupid little whore…you destroyed my entire life. YOU were nothing more than a leach, sucking my blood from the day you were born. You brought the drama with you the day you came to our house. I felt PITY for you and this is why I didn't let you go your own way and drop even lower..if that is even possible."_

"_Thank you SO MUCH!"_ Kim responded sarcastically.

"_You keep the hell away from me and my man you hear me?"_

"_I have no intention to come anywhere near you and your uglie…Tell me something can he still get it up? I mean he is older than dad…"_

Kim laughed and shook her head.

"_You are not allowed to speak ill of him…take his clean name out of your filthy mouth. This man stood by my side through thick and thin, supported me, showed me love like I never knew it before and instead of being happy for me you're bitching on me using his race as an excuse and dragging the whole family tree around trying to prove your point. Bringing up a racist ancestor is supposed to make me feel like betraying the "family values"? Are you really that retarded or that desperate? Or maybe that jealous that things are looking good for me after all those years being alone?; watching you change men like changing clothes...i never said a word but you…you had to throw shad at my happiness didn't ya? You never really cared about me. You always envied me for making something good with my life. You are incapable of rising so you would rather see me fall…insecurity was always your main trait. I feel sorry for you sis. I will give you the opportunity to live a happy life away from your suffocating sister. Here you go! You're free to go! You're free to live the life you wanna live. I promise I won't bother you or judge you. You're on your own kid. Welcome to real life." _

"_Oh I will, don't worry about me…I will break free of your obsessive controlling…I don't need you in my life."_

"_You have a really weak memory sis…really weak…I'm not the one who is harassing you…You single-handedly destroyed my softball career, the moment it was on the rise. You always crawl back into my life when things are looking good for me. I came to pick you up from that crack house in Bankhead that night. You fought me off, took the car and I hopped on at the last minute. I was worried about you…how foolish! If I hadn't bothered you would have OD'd and if not, you would have had that car crash alone. I wouldn't have been in the passengers' seat. I wouldn't have broken my fucking shoulder. I wouldn't have gone through two painful surgeries. I wouldn't have ended my career early. I would have been a fucking star and you and your daddy would have been begging me to even speak to you…"_

The blonde paused for a minute and took her eyes away from her sister who was speechless.

"_I swear most of the time I look at you and I see him. That says it all."_

Kim didn't really have much to say. Her sister had just ranted and completely called her out about all her wrongs. The car accident they had gotten into cause of Kim was the last nail on the coffin of their sisterly love. Kim couldn't argue about that. Her sister did see her life falling apart that day and it was Kim's fault.

Kim's cab had arrived; She lowered her head, picked up her bags and stormed out of the apartment.

"_Keys…" _Amanda stated in a firm strict tone. She wasn't playing around this time. She had made up her mind and she wasn't gonna back down, falling for Kim's fake tears and cheap acting.

Kim took the keys out her pocket and abruptly threw it on the floor. She left and didn't even look back.

Amanda threw her face in her palms. She couldn't believe what had just happened. She couldn't believe the things she had done over the last month. First her fight with her father and now kicking her sister out of the house like that. She never thought she was capable of being so strong. She always cared about them no matter how much pain they had caused her but she needed to put herself first and cut the chain between herself and her family if she wanted to win her life over.

Everyone in her GA meetings agreed that a big part of her addiction was caused by the influence her family had on her. Her way of dealing with her issues was using the adrenaline rush that betting would give her in order to take her mind off her unsolved problems. The same way she used her job to hide from her problems. Being a workaholic was partly caused by her denial to find time to fix things in her life. She kept herself busy so that she wouldn't think about the things that hurt her.

She was finally making progress; taking drastic measures in an attempt to uproot evil from her life. This feeling of total inner freedom was rejuvenating for her. That beautiful feeling that she no longer had unsolved matters was something she hadn't experienced in a long time. The person she had to thank for that change was him. The person who kept motivating her and pushing her forward; Fin. She figured it was time to go back to his place, tell him everything that had happened and rest in his protective arms.

A few more weeks passed and it was now May. The weather was getting better and it allowed them to hang more outdoors. They would spend their Saturday mornings at the park, running, exercising, breathing some fresh air. At night they would go out for drinks, sometimes alone and some other times accompanied by Fin's buddies who had already welcomed Amanda in their little clique. Whenever there was a Knicks game, they were there; the same with the Mets. On Sundays they would have launch somewhere nice, picking a different place every time.

That Saturday morning they were at the park jogging. _"Slow down babe. Let me catch my breath."_ Fin was running fast, trying to keep up with her. _"Hey coach can you please slow down?" _He joked.

"_Oops sorry honey I got carried away. I forgot we're here to enjoy the scenery too. It is really beautiful huh? This part of the park is a real beauty...the trees, the grass, the quiet." _

"_Yeah it is great here. I feel my lungs filling with clean air. I gotta admit that I feel a lot fitter ever since you convinced me to join you here. Jogging has helped my cardio a lot."_

"_I can tell baby! You weren't able to run like this a few weeks ago. I'm so proud of you." _Amanda smiled at him and he smiled back, proud of his progress.

"_You hear that?"_ She said to him and she slowed her pace down.

"_What?" _

"_That noise. It sounds like someone is crying or something. Hear closely."_

"_Yeah you're kinda right. I ear something like that. Where is it coming from?" _

They both stopped running and focused on tracking down that sound.

"_Sounds like a wounded animal to me…it' coming from behind these bushes."_

They walked towards the sound and they checked behind a big plant.

"_Oh my God Fin look!; it is a puppy. Oh Lord what is it doing here all by itself? Where is it's momma?"_

"_The poor thing is alone. Someone must have left it here. Shake my head at those dickheads who buy a dog and then dump it cause they get bored. They must believe pets are like toys. These fellas need a lot of care. Anyone unwilling to provide it shouldn't get one; Period."_

"_Ugh it looks thirsty. Here let me give him…or her some from my bottle."_

"_I think it is a "she". I don't see no balls down there. It's a girl. What kind of breed is this_?" Fin was looking around to see if anyone was looking for the dog but the place was isolated. The dog was definitely abandoned.

"_I don't know about breeds at all. It looks like a common mutt to me but I can't be sure. Maybe a homeless dog gave birth to it and died or something. Aw look at her licking my hand. She is thanking me for the water."_

"_She must be hungry too. Wait here…imma go buy some dog food. I hope she is still not breast fed."_

"_Wait…she looks like she could use a visit to the vet as well. I say we take her to one. There must be someone nearby."_

"_Babe are you sure you wanna take that kind of responsibility? I mean…what do we do with her afterwards? Are you thinking about calling a shelter for homeless pets to take her?"_

"_I don't know just yet but I cant just leave her here and wait until someone takes her to a shelter. For all I know she could die the moment we leave this place."_

"_Ok so what do we do?"_

"_Well I was kinda thinking I could..you know…adopt her."_

"_What?! Are you serious? Baby this cant possibly work! You're working endless hours and you're hardly ever home. How can this little creature live with you? It needs attention. It is a huge commitment. Are you willing to make it?"_

"_Well i always wanted to get a dog, and this one is helpless, in need of a home. Would it be so bad if I offered her one?"_

"_It is really thoughtful sweetie but you have to remember that your working schedule doesn't allow you to have a living creature staying with you. Hell! even a plant is hard to keep with our jobs."_

"_I will make it happen if you are ok with this. You're right…I'm not at home much...i'm at your house a lot. That means Jenny will be escorting me over to your place."_

Amanda knew this was a huge deal so she tried to be as cute and irresistible as possible. Thank God her outfit was helping her achieve it. She was dressed in a tight pair of shorts, leaving her toned thighs exposed and an equally tight top that showed off her perfect abs.

"_Jenny? Huh! You already named it?"_ Fin couldn't help but laugh and fll for his girlfriend's level of cuteness.

"_Look Amanda I gotta admit that this doggy…Jenny… is really cute and it stole my heart from the moment we found it but we cant have such a big responsibility. We have a job to do and the poor dog will be lonely at home. Who will watch it when we'll be working?"_

"_What if we had a kid?"_

Amanda randomly made that comparison without thinking too much about it but then it hit her that it wasn't the best thing to say at the moment. Comparing a dog to a baby was an unfortunate thing to do and not to mention dropping the "kid" bomb on her boyfriend after five months after the kick start of a relationship was a ridiculous and not to mention dangerous move.

"_Alright ok forget I said it. I know it is stupid. Let's just call someone to come pick her up ok?" _Amanda was disappointed but she knew she was doing the right thing.

"_Do you…think about having kids… and stuff? I remember you once told me that you didn't think you were mother material. You still feel that way?"_ Fin wanted to know more about her life plans but he always hesitated to open the subject. However, this topic had just been unlocked and he took the opportunity to ask.

"_Wow ok slow down…do you have your questions written down somewhere or…? Well, truth is… I don't know…i haven't really thought about it that much lately. What I do know is that I'm not the same person I used to be and never thought I would be experiencing certain things in my life but I did. So, I can't really expect to have the same point of view I used to have on some things. In other words I don't think I would have been that bad as a mother. I don't think genes play a part. I didn't turn out to be like my father so why would I turn out to have my mother's flaws? It doesn't have to be this way."_

"_I'm glad you see things differently now. I kinda suspected back then, when we had that conversation that you were hurt by your own parents so you developed a fear for maternity but I didn't know you as well as I know you now. It is clear to me that your mother's influence made you think that way. I can assure you though that you will make a remarkable mother."_

Amanda chuckled.

"_Yeah…a mom who wears a vest, carries a gun…"_

"_Your job doesn't have to stop you from being a mother. You think all female cops sacrifice maternity for their job? Hell no! You can do both. You just gotta be careful and not risk your life. What do you worry so much about? I'll be there to make sure you come home safe and sound."_

Amanda smiled and looked directly at him.

"_You'll be there partner?"_

"_Yes ma'am I will. I wouldn't let the mother of my child in harm's way." _

Their eyes met. She raised her eyebrows and gasped. She was trying to acknowledge what he had just said. Fin had that sassy smile on. He knew she was taken by surprise but so was he. That conversation unfolded in such a way that he felt it was about time he explored that thought he had in the back of his head since they got together. He would always think about the future even if he tried to act cool, casual and like he was into living each moment.

He also knew that Amanda was thirty three years old and her biological clock should start clicking any time soon. He fought a lot with his thoughts inside, especially at the beginning of the relationship. He knew for a fact that starting something with Amanda was bound to be something real and serious. He couldn't play with her, make her waste her time and force her to throw away her best years just to be with someone who wasn't willing to do the whole "married with children" thing over again. He knew he would have to reconsider his priorities and his life plans if he wanted to offer her what she deserved.

Such women only walked by once in a lifetime and he didn't want to lose her over a few nights at the strip club and some one night stands with random chicks. He loved his independence very much and he enjoyed living a carefree life until then but without Amanda by his side everything seemed vain and silly. He had to come in terms with the fact that he was fifty years old and he couldn't be living like a college student for much longer. Other values were more important to him now.

Of course he hadn't shared these thoughts with her so it struck as a huge surprise to her how he was picturing something like: "a house with a white fence and a dog house with two kids, a boy and a girl, playing happily it he garden while dinner was cooked."

"_You mean that?"_ She finally spoke.

"_What if I do? Would that be so bad? Is it something that scares you?"_

"_No…it's just that…I didn't think you were this type of guy. As for me… I haven't really thought about getting married any time soon. I always thought I would marry the job. I haven't been that optimistic about my personal life. This is something I have never pictured. Me with a husband… and a baby. It doesn't sound like me and it makes me feel sorry for myself."_

"_Why feel sorry? There are some things we imagine we will never get to do but we do them in the end. You're just scared you wont be able to make it work right?"_

"_Yeah…. I mean what if i suck at having a family? What happens then? What if I work too much and end up being a disappointment to my children?"_

"_You won't. You haven't disappointed me so you're a lot better than you think. The problem is that you're too strict on yourself. You're capable of doing everything you feel like doing. All you have to do is stop blocking yourself. The question is…do you WANT to have a family in the future?"_

"_Yes I do…I think deep inside I always did. This is why I pushed Sam away. Subconsciously I knew a relationship with him was bound to be a dead end. I didn't wanna be someone he would pass the time with. I wanted to do all those things he had already done. He was getting a divorce; how could I expect him to get into the same situation he run away from? To tell you the truth I kinda believed you were the same as him. I was skeptical about the future of this relationship but I guess my feelings were too strong to hold them back and I took the risk and prayed it would pay off."_

"_It sure as hell did, didn't it?"_ He joked and he immediately got serious. _"I used to be like Sam…I won't lie. I thought that I was the smartest guy around, avoiding commitment and stuff…but like you…I discovered new things inside me. Things I didn't know I had in there. You could say I started looking at things from a different angle and I noticed things I was missing…things I grew to love. One of those things is being someone's significant other. I had forgotten how beautiful it feels to be in someone's life. I experienced all these new feelings with you and I am comfortable with ideas that a year ago would have scared the shit out of me…I guess things like that happen in life….i embraced change and so should you."_

Fin placed his arm on her shoulder and rubbed the back of her neck with his palm.

"_I'm working on it. Hey so this could be like a test…to see if I can take care of someone other than myself. And who knows? One of these days I may become capable enough to take care of little babies. It could happen."_

"_Yeah…it could happen…and it will. How scary can a little creature with blue eyes and blonde hair be?"_

"_Oh ok… I guess the baby will take entirely after me then."_

"_Who said that? I predict the baby will be pitch black. I have the lightest shade in the whole family. If it takes after the grandparents you'd better be ready to deliver "50 cent"…"_

"_hahaha ok so a pitch black baby with blue eyes and blonde hair."_

"_Yup…"_

"_This will be an interesting spectacle to say the least!"_

"_Front age news material! You better prepare your family...that's all I'm saying."_

Amanda's mood changed at the sound of that.

"_What do you mean by that?"_

"_C'mon Amanda I am a detective. I can spot someone's dislike when I see it. Your sister wasn't thrilled about you being with me and I can tell why. She gave me those weird looks and refused to shake my hand. I'm cool with that though so don't even worry about it. I know people like Kim exist and they always will."_

"_Look…Fin…my family had some shall I say racist background…I'm __talking about deep in the past. I was never proud of that side of my family but it was ages ago and there isn't much I can do about it…I accepted it and moved on. Kim was just being mean. She is a lost little kid who doesn't know what to believe in. Don't mind her. I would never allow anyone from my family to insult you or badmouth what we have together. You're my family now remember?"_

"_I remember baby. Alright so where were we? We were talking about the masterpiece that we can create if we join forces."_

"_How about we focus on the issue that's right in front of us? Are you gonna let me keep the dog?"_

"_How can I not? She is already in love with you. Look at how she is looking at you when you're rubbing her belly. I gotta ask though. Where did Jenny come from?" _

"_Forest Gump. Jenny was Forest's sweetheart. I don't know I always loved that movie…plus they're calling us Baba-Gump at work right? Makes perfect sense to add Jenny to our little group."_ She laughed and he laughed with her.

"_Aw those little things you do make me love you more and more."_

"_I love you too…" _

They were both affected by the emotional weight of this conversation. A lot of hidden emotions were finally out in the open and the big _"where is this going?"_ topic was opened. They both seemed to be on the same page and Amanda was relieved to know that her boyfriend wasn't just passing his time with her. She may need some time to get comfortable with the idea of having a family but she was getting there. Fin was also thrilled to see Amanda healing her childhood trauma step by step. She was willing to let go of her past and focus on the future that she was holding into her own hands and no one else's and she knew it now.

"Come on baby girl let's take you to the vet and then get you something to eat huh? Than we'll take you to your new home right daddy?"

"_Oh yeah you'll love daddy's pad more than mommy's. We should probably get her some toys to play with at home."_

"_Sounds right. Let's go!"_

And so Fin, Amanda and Jenny made their way out of the park. A family was beginning to take shape and time would tell how big it could get.

* * *

**PLEASE TELL ME WHAT YOU THINK OF THE CHAPTER! ANY REVIEW, GOOD OR NEGATIVE IS WELCOME! **


	18. Chapter 18

The department had been upside down all week. Svu, homicide, narcotics; they were all involved in a massive man hunt. The perpetrator was one of the worse they had ever encountered. One of the sickest twisted and at the same time genius minds they had ever seen. His crimes were beyond heinous and each day they stalled they gave him the opportunity to hurt more women.

Seventeen rapes, seventeen murders in ten years. His M.O was specific. He would choose his victims carefully; the ritual of picking his next prey was as important as the torture itself for him. The woman had to be the perfect one.

He was so good that there were no eyewitnesses that could give any piece of information about him. The way he would snatch his victim from the eyes of the world was perfectly planned and executed and it didn't leave any space for mistakes or sloppiness. The place where he would hold his victims was also yet to be located.

The only thing they knew for sure was that the victims were all found in public locations, naked, posed and bald with their eyes open. It was more than obvious that they had to deal with an "artist' and not just a common savage criminal.

He succeeded in staying under the radar for a decade and after committing crimes in seven different states he had travelled upstate to New York causing a major inter departmental collaboration.

The victim in New York, was the one who connected the dots for everyone and convinced them that the notorious serial killer had finally moved his business to the big apple. She was a nineteen year old Japanese woman, Sandra Honda, whose body was found in Chinatown. She was, like the rest; bald and naked. Her face had make up on and her her body was stiff and glowing like she had been polished. He had placed it against the window of a shop and the homeless man ho found it was in shock. The M.E traced the time of death a week before they found her. The thing that worried nypd the most was the significant decrease of the period between his killings. He had started from a year in between his crimes and then went from a few months to only a few weeks.

Cragen was on the phone and in cyber meetings for seven days straight. Agents from several agencies were working on this case, some of them working together, some of them keeping their cards closed, hoping to nail this guy down and brag about it for the next decade. Cragen was determined not to let New York become a media circus like it happened in the previous states. He wanted this matter to end right there, as quickly and efficiently and most of all as quietly as possible. No public disclosure, no panic, no drama. He had made a few phone calls and requested all the help he could get. He had the best detectives he could ask for so what he really lacked was professional help profiling the perp. He needed a specialist on forensic psychology and profiling and he aimed for the best. Agent McGraw from Quantico had responded to his calls and he was on his way to New York.

Amanda had been keeping a very close eye on this case. The nature of the crimes intrigued her and fueled her curiosity to the point where she would bring work home with her for a week in a row. She was ecstatic with every step closer to profiling this man she got. Fin was cool with it at first but he quickly started to feel left out and tired of hearing about this perp both at work and at home. He tried to convince her to leave the case back at work and come home without carrying the whole investigation with her but she didn't wanna hear it. It had to be the first time they had argued about something and not make up before bedtime. One night, after a big argument about Amanda developing the habit of bringing her job back home Fin she took her laptop and her documents and moved to Ken's old bedroom as a sign of protest and despair. Fin followed her there and stood by the door, sorry for pushing things to that point. Amanda wasn't backing down though so Fin got back in his bed and they slept apart, not in speaking terms, for the very first time after almost six months together.

The next morning, Amanda woke up in a great mood. She had made a lot of progress on the case and she was dying to let him know about her theory before she told captain Cragen.

She called for him several times, walked in and out of every room in his apartment but he was nowhere to be found.

"_Oh come on now seriously?"_ She grinned and her voice tone was aggressive. She tried really hard to temper her irritation. Fin had made a huge deal out of something really simple. She had to do her best to put this monster behind bars and that was the bigger cause there. Fin had to be more understanding. What was the purpose of dating a detective if not for his tolerance and his understanding of messy situations like this one?

She found a note on the fridge saying he was off to work early and suggested she should meet him there. She checked the clock and it wasn't even seven am. Fin was eager to get out of the house before she was up, to clear his thoughts and cool off before starting something much bigger with his girlfriend. It wasn't just the fact that he missed his girlfriend's company that week. It was the fact that his voice wasn't heard that insulted him the most. Every time he tried to make her take her mind off work she would get angry and push him away. She wasn't willing to hear him out or see things from his point of view. He was concerned about the amount of work she had been putting in lately but unfortunately she had blinders on. He felt like she wasn't allowing him to take care of her.

That morning he got to work and an army of detectives and other agents were already down to business over at the precinct. The specialist from Quantico was gonna be there in a few hours and everyone counted on him to solve this "mystery". The detectives could really use someone who could guide them and point them to the right direction in order to save some time and get to this man faster. The clock was ticking and they had no time to waste in this investigation.

Amanda drove to work alone and found the same posy in the precinct; a group of panicked officers and overzealous detectives who knew that this was the case of the century for the department and they wanted to be a part of it. Every singe one of them wished he would be the one to find this man and get a promotion and they were all eager to work…not as a team though.

She gazed at their desks to see if Fin was there and maybe offer to make peace and move on. He was sitting there, with his face inside a pile of files; files of the previous victims that needed to be checked for possible links between those women. Amaro and Liv were also helping out, trying to find some sort of connection between them, something that could lead them to a suspect. Amanda wished 'good morning' to the whole group but there was just that one person who received her investigating gaze. She looked straight in his eyes and smiled at him, hoping that he would smile back. This was so odd for her. This had to be their first serious fight. She had never seen Fin so cold and distant. She tried to act cool but her heart was racing. Was Fin that mad at her that could possible to jeopardize what they had built all this time? That thought scared the shit out of her. Fin raised his eyes and looked at her.

"_Good morning to you too. You look like hell. What's the matter? Have you been working the case all night or what?"_

Liv and Nick both stopped their work and stared at Fin and then turned over to Amanda and checked her out.

Fin was trying to make his point and the best way to do it was right in front of everyone else. That way Amanda wouldn't be able to talk back to him or ignore his opinion. She gave him a hostile stare that said a lot more than the rest of the squad could read into. Amanda didn't appreciate his attitude in front of their fellow officers.

"_Well you know how it goes partner…some cops bring work issues at home….and others bring their family drama at work…we all have our weaknesses I guess." _

Fin had gotten the message and withdrew his "attack" in a diplomatic way. _"You should rest more. I worry about you. That's all I'm saying." _ He added and got back to his work. He felt like a fool. He had crossed the line and he knew it. He always took pride in not letting his personal issues affect his work and he had just allowed that to happen.

Amanda knocked on Cragen's door and got in.

"_Captain, hey, I wanted to give you this file. It's a small thing a put together; my theory on this guy. You could say it is an attempt to profile this beast. I'm confident that I'm on the right side of the road here. You could take a look whenever you can and see for yourself?"_

Cragen had been busy from six am and he wasn't in the best mood for talk. He wanted results and he needed everyone to remain on the work he had assigned them to without wasting time on different things.

"_I thought I told you to keep working on the link between the victims. There isn't enough time and you're spending it on working on a profile? We have other people to do that. Can you or can you not follow an order Rollins?"_ He said angrily.

"_Sir I did that on my free time…I can assure you I have been following your orders down to the last word. I swear I haven't neglected my duty at all."_

Her voice was giving away her stress and her agony.

Cragen sighed and put his pen down. He was unfair to her but he couldn't control his temper these days. He was under tremendous pressure and he was struggling to stand on his feet.

"_I'm sorry Amanda…I should have asked before I spoke to you like that. I know your work ethic…I wasn't trying to degrade you. What do you have here?"_

"_It's fine captain…really…we've all been on the edge all week. I understand the situation we're in sir. All I'm asking is for you to take a look and see if my theory is solid. I strongly believe this could help us take the next step in our investigation. I think this guy is trying to make his own collection of dolls. The details are all in here. I think we should move fast and think outside the box. I believe he knows all these women somehow and he chose them based on something specific. Something that has to do with beauty. I haven't figured it out yet though i will keep digging."_

"This sounds interesting. I _hope you understand that even if your theory seems good enough I'm still gonna need someone to verify it. We have a profiler coming in less than an hour. He is supposed to be the best. Highly recommended…highly skilled. I expect big help from him._

"_Of course…I understand. Thank you for your time sir."_

The blonde walked out of Cragen's office having mixed feelings. She was hoping that captain would reduce the number of associates and agents outside the department and not add another one to the rest. Her work was good enough to get them started and she really coudn't see what someone could have done differently. However, she understood that testing her skills on a major case like this one was not something Cragen would risk doing. She had to earn his trust first and she should start with smaller cases where the stakes aren't sky high.

As she was having that debate inside her head she turned to face Fin and waited for him to look back so that she could at least steal a small stare of affection or a small flirting nod. Something small and discrete but also big enough to help her get a picture of how serious things were between them since they hadn't really had a talk since the previous night. Amanda headed out of the room, toward one of the officers who had some documents for her. Everyone else was hard at work when agent McGraw arrived at the precinct, accompanied by five men. They all rushed through the offices and stormed in Cragen's office.

"_Great. Exactly what we needed at the moment. More people to crowd the room even more. We wont have a chair to sit on shortly."_

Liv gave the posy a judgemental stare and made this bitter comment, quietly only for Nick to hear. He was sitting right opposite to her and he lifted his eyes to check for himself what his partner was bitching about.

"_They must be thinking we're useless."_ Nick whispered and finished his line with an ironic smile, which he used too often and took a sip of his favorite energy drink.

"_Say that again."_ Fin added. "_I just hope we get this over with so we can get things back to where they were around here. If these up town boys can help, let them stay."_

"_Ugh I guess you're right."_ Liv replied and nodded. _"Hey Fin…what's with Amanda? She seemed odd earlier."_ Liv added and Fin tried his best to act casual and indifferent. _"How would I know? I can't get inside a woman's head. I should be asking you Liv."_

Fin wished Liv wasn't gonna ask anymore questions and luckily for him she didn't.

"_Wait a minute guys. This guy looks familiar. I've seen his face on Tv and in some magazine articles. He is a big deal. We're looking at a celebrity. He has written some really interesting books about books that completely revolutionized the way we see and perceive criminal minds." _Liv informed them and narrowed her eyes.

"_Yeah I think I can see it. I'm gonna have to take a better look when he comes by again." Nick replied._

"_He must be a snobbish moron. You noticed he didn't even speak to us? He went straight into the captain's office. We're gonna have a problem with this one. I hope he is a fast moron and get the hell back where he came from asap."_

After a long talk in the office agent McGraw and his entourage stepped out of the office and into the bullpen. Cragen escorted him out in order to introduce him to the rest of the team. Agent McGraw took his reading glasses off and looked around at the svu detectives.

"_I think we should save the "meet and greet" for later. We're missing one. Where is Rollins?" _Cragen turned his gaze and rested his eyes on Liv.

"_Oh, she is right over there. You know Amanda…she is sniffing new evidence from miles away. I think she may be onto something."_

"_Yes we had a talk with Rollins earlier. I know she has certain things in her mind .We'll talk thoroughly about it later. Right now I want to introduce you to agent Eli McGraw. I already briefed him about our perp and he is ready to get down to work. I expect all of you to help him get acclimated."_

Amanda was coming back to the bullpen holding a big envelop. She took a file out of it and began reading it.

"_Ok guys we may have caught a break here. I did some digging and I found something really interesting. Call me crazy but I understand where this fella is coming from."_

She raised her eyes to meet Liv's and noticed everyone looking at something behind her.

"_Amanda Rollins…"_ A man's voice stated, out of nowhere. It was him; Eli.

Amanda turned around at the sound of her name and most importantly at the sound of his voice. She identified him immediately but she kept reminding herself that this scenario was ridiculous.

It was really him. Eli McGraw; Amanda's criminology professor from college. He was older now, greyer, even though age had certainly served him well. He looked in her eyes and took her more than a decade back in time.

The rest of the detectives, as well as Donald were astonished. They hadn't seen this one coming at all. It was one hell of a surprise to them to find out that Amanda knew a man of Eli's caliber.

"_Professor McGraw. I…what…I…you're here."_ Amanda stuttered and hardly managed to complete her sentence.

"_You know each other?"_ Nick exclaimed, not really asking for an answer.

"_Yeah, like I said…he was one of my teachers in college a long time ago. Nice seeing you again sir."_ Amanda nodded with respect toward him.

"_Well ok then…one less introduction then. You already know Amanda…so feel free to ask her anything you want. She can show you around and help you out whenever you need help." _

"_I would love to work closely with her. I always considered her one of my best students. Too bad she didn't continue her studies after her master degree. A phd was always something she talked about. I never thought I'd see her wearing a badge to be quite honest. I expected an academic career from her. In addition, it would be a great opportunity to… catch up right?"_

He looked at Amanda and smiled. The blonde smiled back and looked away.

"_It's our gain."_ Cragen responded. _"I guess she found her calling in the law enforcement. Alright now let's get back to work people!"_

They all gathered in Donald's office to discuss the new clues and try to piece this puzzle together. Fin was trying really hard to keep his head in the game. That day had gone from bad to worse for him and he didn't have the time or the space to have a talk with his girlfriend and straighten things out. He knew they would be working all day, altogether with no time for themselves. That prospective made him feel such discomfort that he didn't sit down on a chair like the rest of them the whole time of the meeting. Amanda could tell something was bothering him; something more than the unsolved little fight they had had. She figured she could text him a message when she would find some time and hopefully they could resort to some kind of private interaction.

They had finally seen a light at the end of the tunnel with the new clues they had in their hands. They knew that all of the victims had indeed something in common. They had all, at some point in their lives been in a beauty pageant, either as little girls or as grown women. The perp must have had access to information about them and most of all he must have been near ever single one of them. The next step was to search every possible suspect from the environment of each victim. The detectives were rejuvenated from the flow of new information and they were all eager to get going.

Amanda walked over to the kitchen stand to make some more coffee.

"_Detective Rollins…I gotta hand it to you. Your idea to alter the criteria of the search for links between the victims was a brilliant move. You spotted his pattern of treating the victims like dolls and saw beyond that…I'm impressed. I don't even know why your captain wants me here. You seem adequate enough to handle this investigation by yourself."_

_Eli walked up to her and stood right next to her._

"_Thank you for the vote of confidence sir."_ Amanda replied firmly.

"_I know we're working but I'd like for us to talk whenever you like. I feel like we have a lot to talk about. I miss our…conversations. They were always a treat."_

"_I'm sure we could find a few minutes to catch up after launch break."_

Amanda feared that he would get personal with her and tried with all her power to make him aware of the fact that she wasn't interested. She was distant and totally professional in his presence, leaving no space for comments or any other type of personal interaction. However, he had found the right moment to get closer to her and whisper the things he wanted her to hear. Amanda was looking over her shoulder the whole time to check on Fin and she only responded to his subtle flirting when she made sure he wasn't around. The last thing she needed was for Fin to get jealous and she didn't intend to give him anything to be jealous about.

Eli had been a huge part of Amanda's life; both in her career and in her personal life. She was eighteen when she met him for the first time. She was new in college and he was teaching seniors. She fell in love with him instantly even though he was more that twenty years older than her. She hadn't been in love until then.

Back in high school, cause of her shy personality and her maturity she couldn't really picture herself with any of those immature, lame little boys in her class. Besides, she was never the type of girl who would attract boys by exploiting her sexuality. Her athletic body type and her conservative up bringing made her an attractive but distant female. Everyone knew she was one of the prettiest girls at school but they all knew she was not to be touched. The same thing happened in college as well. Amanda had her new goals in her mind and she was totally focused on achieving them.

However, the minute she met him she knew he was the right man for her. She was an inexperienced woman and he introduced her to a lot of new things both romantically and professionally. He was her whole world for more than three years. Next to him she became more self confident and more focused on her future.

They were both realistic about their relationship from the start. They never allowed anyone on campus to find out about their involvement. After graduation the relationship was about to enter a whole new level. He asked for a transfer back to his hometown Houston, Texas and he had offered her to go with him and continue her studies there. He was even willing to make arrangements so that she would play softball in Houston as well. However, Amanda couldn't have taken that big step even if she wanted to do it. That period of time was the worst for Kim and the whole family. Kim had been hospitalized for a few months and Amanda had felt the need to be there with her sister. Shortly after that Kim started using again and Amanda tried to keep her out of trouble as much as she could. She couldn't leave her sister alone no matter how much she hated this situation.

Eli was supportive of her devotion to her sister but at some point he asked her to evaluate her life and choose between living her own life and living the life others forced her to live. The car crash she was in only made things worse and soon Amanda distanced from Eli. She was depressed for a while; kept to herself and pushed him away little by little. She let him slip out of her hands and soon he was located back to Houston; far away from Georgia.

She would always reminisce about the times they had together and even wonder if letting him walk away was the wisest thing to do back then. It was only when Amanda saw just how much the years that passed had changed him that she let go of that thought of being with him again. Eli wasn't the man she used to know. He had become a lot cockier, snobbish and elitist. His success had altered him and he soon became a public figure, a best selling author and the staple of forensic science. It was safe to say that he wasn't the same humble scientist, passionate about his work and dedicated to his craft Amanda knew and admired. He was a brand new man and she wasn't interested in getting to know him.

Eli on the other hand saw this unexpected reunion of the two of them as an opportunity to warm things up again and maybe start things over. His behavior toward the blonde was a clear indication that he was interested in her.

The twelve hour shift finally came to an end Amanda was so eager to hop on her truck and sit next to Fin. She was already preparing her "I'm sorry for being a workaholic" speech and had already rehearsed her sad and miserable puppy face. She was already preparing her lines about being dedicated to her job and that he already knew that about her. However, she never got to dazzle him with her performance. Fin was still at work and he wasn't gonna come back home with her. He was ignoring her and he was letting it show.

He had offered to do another shift, replacing Amaro who had to rush home to his son. Amanda picked her cell and called the office, after a few calls to him. She didn't know for sure if he wasn't picking up cause he was busy or still angry at her and she definitely didn't know about his plans not to go home.

At last an officer took the call and informed her that detective Tutuola was on duty till the next morning and explained the whole thing about replacing Nick.

"_Are you kidding me?"_ The blonde protested. _"Can you hand detective Tutuola the phone please? Fin are you there?"_

"_I'm here. What do you want?" _

"_What's with all that hostility? What is the damn big deal? I seriously can't figure you out right now. Ok so I may have been a bit too much this week with work but that doesn't seem like a reason for that behavior of yours."_

"_You would have known what the real deal was if you had given me a minimum of your time to talk to you. But you chose to come home every night and lock yourself in the living room till dawn, hooked on your laptop. I believe we've had a deal from the start haven't we?"_

"_Yes we had a deal."_

"_Say it…."_

"_Say what?"_

"_Say what the deal was…come one let me hear you."_

"_Ok,ok the deal was that we wouldn't let our personal life get in the way of our jobs…"_

"_..and?"_ Fin urged her to complete her sentence.

The blonde rolled her eyes and tightened her jaw. She shook her head cause she knew Fin was right from the get go.

"…_and…"_ She said _intensely "…and that we wouldn't let our jobs in our personal life."_

"_Good girl! That's it! Now I assume you already know that you violated that last part of the agreement and you kept doing it night after night even though I tried multiple times to show you my dislike."_

"_Yes Fin I know it. BUT chances like this one don't come by every day. You know I've been longing for a chance to finally do the thing I love most in my job. Shooting people may be fun but you know what my real passion is. You should have been more supportive and allow me to bend the terms of our agreement on this case."_

"_I've been nothing but supportive and you know it. I won't sit back and watch you ruin your health thought. No job in the world should keep you up for five nights in a row. I was worried about you. Aren't I allowed to worry about you?"_

Amanda sighed. He was right once again.

"_Yes baby…"_ He voice got deep and gave away her regret and guilt. There was also a sign of gratitude and appreciation in there as well. _"You have every right to be worried… you are supposed to take care of me and that's exactly what you were doing. I just got carried away with this perp that I didn't see the signs. I got obsessed and now I know it. I'm sorry for my behavior baby. I really am."_

"_I know you are. I hate seeing us like this. Promise me we won't let things get this far next time we have an issue. You know how difficult it was for me to keep a poker face all day today? I hate being distant toward you."_

"_I know…me too sweety. I'll make it up to you….oh hell! Oh my God baby I'm so sorry…why didn't you remind me? This is why you were so depressed this week right? I forgot your birthday!" _

Amanda couldn't believe it! She had the done the unspeakable! How could she have forgotten his damn birthday? The most important thing a lover must never forget about their significant other? She had been so reckless and inconsiderate. She had been so judgmental on men all her life for their habit of not paying attention to detail in a relationship and now she had fallen in the same trap. She was swerving all over the place, nervous and embarrassed. She was feeling so guilty that she wouldn't forgive herself if she was in his position.

"_I don't know what to say Fin. There is no excuse. I am literally the worst girlfriend on earth."_

"_Baby…hey…ok I ain't gonna lie. It did hurt a lot that day. I came home, happy, ready to celebrate and I had been wondering what you were up to all day. You hadn't wished me a happy birthday and I thought that you would have had a big surprise for me. But then I saw you working as usual and I realized that you weren't playing with me. You just didn't know it was my birthday."_

"_I made you feel like shit. Great job Amanda" _Amanda hit her forehead with her palm and punched the wheel.

"_It's ok. I understand that this wasn't a regular day. We've had a lot in our plate lately over here. I never thought...not even for a split second…that this was a sign of you not caring about me. I knew you were just distracted. I know you better than this."_

"_Honey…I swear that this is indeed the case. I lost track of time. You said it yourself…I haven't been sleeping well all week. I swear I will prepare something special for you once this son of a bitch is in custody ok?"_

"_Ok baby...dont even worry about it ok? I am too old for these stuff anyway."_

"_No you're not. And fifty five is an important milestone. It requires a celebration. Just wait and see…." _

"_Ok babe…i trust you will do something dope." _

"_Oh I will…and baby…"_

"_Yeah…"_

"_This wont happen again. Me obsessing over a case i mean…I don't like being like this. It is like you showed me my reflection in a mirror and i didn't like what I saw. I need to keep my curiosity in check and not let it take over me. This isn't healthy. I can see it now."_

"_This is the best birthday gift you could have given me baby girl. I'm so proud for you…for everything you've accomplished. You are stronger than your weaknesses."_

Fin had walked out of the bullpen and reached the kitchen stand trying to find some place quiet and private. His face was beaming at the sound of his girlfriend's words. He was indeed so proud of her strength to overcome her flaws. First with her addiction, secondly with cutting the umbilical cord between herself and her rotten family and now with overcoming her work addiction.

"_Alright I'll see you tomorrow. I gotta go back to work. You go home safe and get some sleep ok?"_

"_Ok baby…love you.."_ She said shyly.

"_Love you too."_ He replied equally shyly.

Amanda hang up the phone and headed to her car when she heard a voice behind her.

"_Hey you…leaving so soon?"_

"_My shift is over and I am too tired so if you'll excuse me."_

Amanda walked away and he grabbed her arm in an attempt to stop her.

"_Aren't you gonna welcome me to the big city? I thought you'd be thrilled to see me after all these years."_

"_Exactly Eli…after all these years…I was just surprised you came by and I am genuinely happy for your triumph. You career has been on the rise for quite some time now. I always knew you had it in you."_

"_Well thank you. You're not doing bad yourself. I never thought I'd see you carrying a gun. I always thought you were more interested in the science of crimes. I guess people change." _

"_Yes they do."_ Amanda gave him a penetrating and at the same time judgmental stare that spoke more than her actual words.

"_Oh I've missed those eyes of yours looking at me like that. I was a fool to let you slip away from my hands."_

He made a move closer to her body and Amanda kindly denied the access.

"_Things have changed Eli. I have changed. I am not the eighteen year old virgin who met."_

"_I can surely say time has been so kind with you. Not to mention how much of a sophisticated lady you grew into. I knew you had potential. I read your file you gave your captain and it is safe to say you have it in you. You are born to do this job. I couldn't have done a better job myself."_

"_I had a great teacher." _

"_I had a great student."_ He sighed and locked his eyes on hers. _"Ugh Amanda why are you so distant with me? I thought we could get to enjoy each other's company like old times. Haven't you missed me at all?"_

"_Yes I have…I'd really love to catch up with the old Eli…the Eli I used to know, love and respect. The new one is a diva and I am not a fan. I didn't appreciate the way you looked down on my people in svu. You need to work on your manners E." _

Eli thought about it for a split second and grinned.

"_Are you talking about someone is particular or…?"_

"_I don't like your tone at all."_

"_Oh come on sunshine I know that a woman like you can't be single. I am cool with you being with another man. But come one now. What's wrong with having some fun for old times sake?"_

"_You did not just suggest I should cheat on my boyfriend just to spend the night with you! The Eli I knew is officially dead and gone. I feel sorry you had to sell your soul Eli. It is sad… really."_

"_When did you become such a tight ass? I thought you were always a liberal person. It is so 'last century' to be 'faithful' to someone."_

"_You no longer have the right to make such suggestions to me. Ok? You either respect my wish to keep your hands off of me or else I will make you regret it."_

"_No need to be hostile. I wont hurt you. You know that. Can we at least have a drink together?"_

"_Good bye Eli."_ Amanda repeated in a sarcastic tone.

"_You look hot in business attire by the way. Not that I don't miss you in jeans and flannel."_

Amanda didn't respond and she didn't even turn her head around. She didn't want to give him hope.

Eli looked at her with excitement and passion. He was a predator and he always enjoyed a prey that fought for its life before surrendering to the enemy. He wasn't over her and it was obvious that he wasn't intending on giving up on them.

Amanda walked over to the car; opened the door and got in. She was genuinely disgusted in him. For a minute she really couldn't believe she was in love with him so madly back then. She couldn't grasp what kind of negative affect time, power and fame could have on a person. She even felt betrayed in a sense. He had just ruined every single happy and warm memory she had of the two of them.

**"_I experienced something really strange today."_**

_I run into an old boyfriend before I came here. He… made a move on me and I felt disgusted. I don't even know why, cause he didn't over do it and plus, I used to love him very much and I know that he did too in the past. I guess what irritated me was that I never thought he would be the kind of man who would hit on a woman like that, you know….choosing to ignore the fact that i was already involved with another man. The unwanted gestures from his side made me feel uncomfortable. When he left, I was sitting in the car feeling light headed and my heart wouldn't stop racing. It was a peculiar feeling; one that i thought I hadn't felt before." _

She frowned and took a few deep breaths before she would continue.

"_I shouldn't have taken this so heavily but it almost felt like i couldn't control it. It was almost like something deep inside my soul felt disturbed and violated and it took me a few minutes to process the situation before i could really look at the bigger picture. Some sort of incentive forced my soul to relive the assault, subconsciously, forcing my body to develop stress symptoms. You know what I mean? Just like the way i had felt when my deputy chief had made the move on me back then. How I felt hearing those things he had whispered in my ear that night; the preposterous suggestions he had made. That same feeling of violation, stress and invasion of my private space without my permission had just attacked my heart. The trigger wasn't so powerful but it still took me back and caused me to open my trauma."_

She took a few moments to let this feeling sink in there and once she was finally calm she took a look at the rest of them and smiled.

"_Normally I wouldn't even admit it to myself but I guess I'm not the woman i used to be. I am entitled to feel threatened and weak doesnt mean i am going back to being that defenceless little girl who was mistreated by her family and never said a word about it. I have the right to protest when something or someone is not treating me with respect. I know it now. Being ashamed as if i had caused or maybe even deserved this behaviour is not the right way to handle things. I should have done something when he assaulted me but I kept telling myself that this is childish and I pushed myself to toughen up and move on. I was ashamed of myself for letting it affect me. This time though, with Eli I just endure his filthy attitude. I didn't lose my courage. I didnt see it as something natural."_

The rest of the G.A group was hearing her speak and nodded in approval. Ever since she had joined the group she was a bit shy and kept a tough profile, almost as if she was made of steel. Hearing her opening her heart and acknowledging that feeling hurt and vulnerable and expressing it to others is not a taboo was such a huge thing to witness. They felt very proud of her accomplishment as well as theirs.

"_What you're saying is really important Amanda."_ Another member added. "_You realize that you don't always have to be so strict on yourself for not always being strong. Sometimes we lose our strength but that doesn't mean we are weak. Letting people know that you're feeling helpless sometimes is not a sign of weakness. Standing up for yourself today was a huge step toward you goal in healing this childhood trauma that you suffered. Well done!"_

Amanda took a deep breath and smiled. She felt so relieved for the progress she had made not just with handling her gambling issue but also with the work she had put in trying to release herself from the things that hurt her in her past and forced her to become something different from what she had planned.

With every obstacle she had managed to overcome she felt stronger and more mature. She felt so proud she had spoken her mind instead of hiding and it felt like this trauma had finally begun to heal. Pushing something inside was always her way of dealing with difficulties. There was no time for her to lick her wounds and allow herself to feel vulnerable. That way of dealing with things had resulted into developing a gambling problem and also a fear of opening up to people and depending on them, especially men.

It took her a long time to recognize the signs of a trauma but now she was certain that everything that had happened to her over the years were the results of her way of dealing with things. A way she didn't choose but she had to find, living in a family that always expected her to look after herself on her own an that always blamed her for everything that went wrong in their lives. Therefore, gambling was her way of expressing her need to not have control of everything. The excitement of not knowing the outcome was a fresh feeling she had never experienced before and she got addicted to this feeling of being careless, not thinking too much and being impulsive.

Another meeting was over and everyone was on their way home. Donald was just outside. He was leaning on the wall with his hands in his jacket's pockets.

"_Captain, what are you doing here?"_

He smiled and came up to her.

"_I knew you had a meeting today and I thought we could use some time to talk a little bit."_

Amanda froze for a moment. This sounded really important and hopefully she wasn't in any kind of trouble.

"_Should I be worried? Cause once I just opened my cell I found a hundred calls and a message from Fin telling me to call him asap."_

"_No…no in the contrary…what I'm bout to tell you is something really interesting. We got him! We finally got a good lead on this son of a bitch. We have been monitoring his moves and we're ready to intervene any minute now. We're proceeding with caution until we're 100% sure we will catch him on the act. Technically there is no evidence proving it is him. He was too good, remember? He never left anything behind. Which is why we're gonna wait until he screws up and take his out. We don't wanna miss on our chance to nail him, If we spook him before he gives us something to charge him with we may lose him forever."_

"_Oh my God, captain this is the best news you could have brought me. When did this all happen?"_

"_Just a few hours ago. You were already home and then your cell was out of service. We just got confirmation that he is the one we're looking for."_

"_Yeah sorry about that. It was a long meeting today and I didn't wanna be disturbed. I am so thrilled we're gonna get this guy sir."_

"_This is what I wanted to talk to you about. Your work was highly praised by all of the departments involved in this case. Eli McGraw himself told me that he added nothing new to the investigation. You had already done all the work profiling this perp down to the last T. He was impressed."_

Amanda blushed and a big proud smile appeared on her face. Fin must have found out about it at work and wanted to be the one to congratulate her and she missed his calls.

"_So the reason why I am here is to ask you…well not ask but to help you consider not leaving svu. We need you here and I hadn't realized just how much until now."_

The blonde gasped and raised her eyebrows.

"_Wait…wow who said I am leaving svu?"_

"_Agent McGraw did. He told me that he had already made you an offer over dinner and that you had accepted his offer to work with him."_

Amanda couldn't believe his nerve. He had crossed the line so much that there was no turning back from there. He had no right to do such a thing and taking the initiative furred her the most. He hadn't accepted the fact that she was a grown independent woman now. He still saw her as the little girl who would follow him around, mesmerized by this knowledge and his charm. He was so self confident that she wouldn't reject his offer that it made her sick to her stomach.

"_Is he serious? What offer? What dinner? I barely saw the guy and I am definitely not leaving my job. Does anyone else know about this rumor?"_

"_Yes all of us do. He kinda announced it just an hour ago."_

"_I saw him leaving the precinct after me how did he get back to work? How did this even happen?"_

He must have gotten pissed off when Amanda turned him down in the parking lot and he thought of this way to hurt hr and ruin her relationship with Fin. Fin! She had forgotten about him. Cragen said that everyone knew.

"_Did… Fin hear about this too?"_

"_Yes he did. I thought he already knew though. I assumed you had told him when you made this decision."_

The blonde remembered all those calls and that message and it hit her. He wasn't calling to congratulate her. He was calling her to find out what the hell had happened.


	19. Chapter 19

**PREVIOUS CHAPTER: Eli causes trouble for Amanda. How will she handle all this? How will Fin react? Find out!**

* * *

"_Eli, pick it up now! Pick it up you son of a bitch. Grow a set and pick up the phone you hear me? You will pay for this. I swear if you ruin my life you are a dead man." _

Amanda started walking fast. She was offered a ride by her captain but it would have taken twice as long driving back to the station. The fastest way was on foot and that was exactly was she intended to do.

Cragen had just dropped the bomb about Eli's intentions to take her with him or at least let people think he would and became so furious that she wasn't

Amanda found Fin's number on speed dial and called him immediately. She needed to know how he felt and she prayed that he wouldn't have taken this seriously.

"_Yeah."_ Fin's voice was raspy.

"_Fin, listen I'm on my way there so please just please stay there so that we can talk okay?"_

"_What is there to talk about? Nothing except for the fact that you're apparently moving to Virginia with what seems to be your ex boyfriend, which I really appreciate you telling me in advance by the way."_

"_No… no… no baby this is not the case. It's a big misunderstanding. It's all a lie Eli made up to hurt me for turning him down. I swear that is all there is to it. Just please wait for me okay?"_

"_Turning him down? He hit on you? You have really slept with this guy haven't you?"_

"_We were together a really long time ago. That's all there is to this matter, Fin. We are not even on speaking terms these days. This whole relationship belongs to the past and it should have stayed there. Eli was a dick and brought this whole thing up. I swear I didn't encourage him to do so."_

"_Why the fuck was I the last one to know you two were together? What did you have to hide? Why didn't you tell me?"_

"_I didn't get the chance to do it. We haven't been left alone all day. I was meaning to talk to you….I swear Fin. Why are you asking me all these questions? Are you seriously thinking I did it deliberately? Don't you know me better than this?"_

"_That's not what I said."_

"_What are you saying? Are you just being mean to make me feel guilty or ashamed? You did it already so stop trying."_

"_I don't know what to think right now Amanda. I felt like a fool. Cragen was staring at me with that sad pathetic stare like he could tell I was clueless. You know how fucked up I felt inside?"_

"_I know and I'm sorry you had to go through this but just trust me like we always talked about. Say it… I need to hear you say that you trust me and believe me."_

The blonde was hyperventilating; her voice was squeaky and her heavy breathing was making it hard to finish a sentence without gasping for air. She was jogging toward the precinct, swerving through heave traffic, talking loudly, trying to make her voice heard.

"_Fin are you there? Please don't hang up."_

"_Listen I gotta go. There is a lot going on in my head right now. I need some space. I'll talk to you later. "_

Fin hang up the phone and left it on his desk. He remained still for a few seconds, in order to realize what had just happened. What was that all about? Why would that guy make up such a lie and what in the world would he gain from it? Was it indeed a horrible story he had made up or had Amanda given him anything to work with? Everything was upside down in his mind and his heart was confused. He had everything worked out and all of the sudden he was called to review and revalue the while relationship from the start.

"_We got a 911 call for domestic dispute. Are you up for it?"_

Liv's voice disturbed his inner cogitation.

"_Yeah I am good to go."_ He replied without thinking too much about it. Amanda had asked him to stay put but he wasn't in a mood for a serious talk at the time. He needed to take his mind off that and focus on something different.

"_Fin? Are you good to go? Fin?"_

"_Yes I'm ready to roll."_

"_Fin what is going on? You seem distracted. Maybe I should call Nick to meet me there."_

"_No I said I 'm good to go and I mean it so stop making a big deal out of it Liv."_

Fin's tone confirmed Liv's suspicions that something serious was going on with had been friends for too long and he couldn't hide from her that easily.

"_Who was on the phone Fin? Someone important? It obviously got you upset."_

Fin sighed and scratched his chin.

"_It was Amanda. We had an argument. It's nothing serious. I just hate it when it happens."_

"_It's about that prick Eli McGraw right? You heard what he said about Amanda agreeing to work with him and you can't shake this. I was just as shocked but then again I am not the closest person in Amanda's life; you are. It bothered you that she didn't tell you?"_

"_She doesn't have to tell me anything. It's her life. She says he is lying so I guess there is nothing to worry about."_

"_Has she ever lied to you?"_

"_No, she hasn't. I mean all this time we've worked really well together and I never heard her complain. She wouldn't pick up and leave just like that. She has grown roots in New York."_

"_So you trust her…and she says she is not leaving."_

"_Yeah exactly."_

"_So where is the problem?"_

Liv searched for his eyes and looked deep inside them once Fin raised his eye sight and met her deep brown ones.

"_Fin…what is wrong with you two? Are you calling it quits?"_

Fin was caught off guard and before he could come up with something smart to say and end this discussion, his face had already given away everything he was verbally trying to hide or deny.

"_How?…when did you find out?"_

"_It took me a while but I figured it out in the end. You did great covering it up but your body language spoke for itself. I could tell there was a certain amount of physical intimacy even before I knew for sure. Amanda just confirmed it._

Fin smirked. _"She told you?" _

"_It is a long story Fin. She kinda had to tell me. She was in need of some girl talk and i volunteered. Anyway does it really matter?"_

"_When did this happen?" _

He couldn't believe that Liv already knew and that Amanda had voluntarily let her know. In addition, it bothered him that she hadn't told him about this afterwards; she hadn't even given him a heads up.

"_A month ago Amanda was…late."_

Olivia gave Fin a direct stare. Fin's heart dropped on his feet. He hadn't seen this one coming.

"_She was troubled; frustrated…she came to me for help. She didn't know how to handle this situation. It hadn't happened to her before…from what she told me of course."_

"_She should have come to me then."_

"_That's what I told her as well. I told her it would be wise to have a talk about this with her significant other and deal with this together. Men are left out of situations like this one way too often. They don't take birth control so seriously until they face the result of their negligence."_

Fin was feeling so guilty that he wasn't there through this whole process. He was never the type of man to back down when times were challenging. It was his duty to be there for his girlfriend. After all that was a problem both of them were responsible for.

"_I would have been there for her if she had told me."_

"_From what she told me from the start, she wasn't sure if her boyfriend was ready for a new family member in case the test came out positive. She wasn't sure this was the right time for him. I assumed it was because the relationship was new and still growing so I didn't want to stress her out more by asking for details. I bought the test myself from the drug store down the street and she took it. I figured that someone was you when she asked me not to tell you any of this. Her reaction when I brought you up made it clear for me."_

"_Where did this happen without me noticing it?"_

"_You couldn't have known. I took her to my house. We had a quiet talk and she had the time to arrange her thoughts. She took the test; it came negative from what you can assume otherwise we wouldn't just be having this conversation a month later. She was relieved. It was not the right time and she knew it deep inside. I don't think she was just concerned about your reaction but for hers as well. She wasn't prepared. I think she needs a bit more time before she considers having a family with you. Not that it is my business. I don't need to get involved in your personal relationship more than I already have. But I need you to understand that she needed a friend to share it with so don't hold it against her that she told me okay? Don't feel offended. Women often panic about these things and telling their boyfriend is not their first choice. You know how scary having a family of her own must be for her. Her childhood experiences must have kicked in and overwhelmed her. This was nothing more than an impulsive move." _

"_I know. I understand her logic. She has been fighting really hard to heal her trauma and see life in a different way from the one she had been forced to live growing up. She is making progress every day. I just wish she had told me afterwards; after the crisis was over."_

"_She will. When she feels ready to talk about it she will. Give her time. By the way, does anyone else know about you two?" _Liv was curious to find out.

Fin nodded in response.

"_Oh I see! Who else knows?"_

"_We told captain over a month ago and Munch already knew. He was the first one I talked to."_

"_Oh so it just leaves me and Nick huh? I am officially offended."_ Liv joked and laughed out loud.

"_Come on Liv you know I m not the type of guy to kiss and tell. Besides, you are a girl. I couldn't possibly tell you even if I wanted to. Anyway the plan was for no one to know but I guess it is not possible."_

"_A month ago!"_ Fin told himself_. _"_This was the reason why she dropped the 'baby' issue at the park the other day. It was no accident. It was bugging her and she needed to know where we stand on that area in case she would find herself in a similar situation in the future. She must have been frustrated for quite a while and I didn't know anything. I cant believe she kept it to herself." _Fin told Liv in an apologetic tone._ "There had to be signs and I missed them all. Aren't boyfriends supposed to notice everything?"_

"_Good boyfriends are. Not all of them do. Amanda is really lucky to have you Fin."_

_"Do I sense some sort of complain or is it just my impression? What did Cassidy do this time?"_ Fin joked and Olivia tried really hard to laugh at the joke.

"_Why don't you call her again and talk to her? This time with less attitude maybe? Let her explain the situation. She may have made a mistake not talking to you about her past but you can't charge her with that. It's what she does now, with you, that counts. If she says she hasn't done anything wrong then you really have to believe her, or at least give her the benefit of doubt."_

"_She is right. How the hell did I even begin to question Amanda's actions and feelings? How did I fall for that cheap trick of that that clown cowboy?" _.Fin thought inside but he didn't wanna share more of his thoughts with Liv. He also didn't wanna go down that road with Liv but he was wondering how the hell she could have gotten pregnant anyway, since she had been on the pill all that time. They never had a talk about contraception in the past. The pill was the best choice and a really safe one. What could have possibly gone wrong?

As Fin kept quiet, lost in his thoughts, Liv took the initiative and dialed Amanda's number on her cell. She figured that she would definitely pick it up that way.

"_She is definitely angry at me." _

"_We'll see right now. Just hold on a second."_

"_Hello Amanda…yes hello…are you there?"_

"_Yes. Who is this? Who am I speaking to?"_

"_I was gonna ask you the same question. Who are you and why are you answering detective Rollins' cell phone? What's going on?"_

"_I'll explain everything ma'am."_

Fin frowned. _"What?"_ he whispered to her. Liv grinned and showed her unawareness by shaking her head. Fin was particularly disturbed.

"_I am officer Reynolds and I am answering ms. Rollins' phone because she cannot speak with you right now. Detective Rollins has been in an accident and she is being transferred to the hospital as we speak." _

"_WHAT? What…how…when…did all this happen? I don't understand. Is she ok?"_

The minute Liv asked if she was ok Fin realized that something had happened to Amanda and grabbed the phone from Liv's hands.

Liv covered her mouth with her hand and opened her eyes wide.

"_Are you still there ma'am? Hello?_

"_What's going on?" _Fin yelled and the officer explained the situation once again.

"_Sir calm down. Are you a relative of Mrs. Rollins?"_

"_Yes I am. She is my fiancé. How did it happen? Which hospital are they taking her?"_

"_All we know is that she fell in front of a car and it bounced her off. She is injured but we don't know exactly how serious the injury is. You'll need to check with the hospital for a more detailed report of her condition."_

Fin hang up the phone and threw it on the desk with indignation. He was beyond worried. From the moment the phone call began to sound suspicious he knew it meant bad news and stress symptoms had already made their appearance. His chest was aching and his stomach was in knots. He was taking deep breaths trying to calm down but he wasn't succeeding so far. Liv saw how much the call affected him and tried to calm him down. He looked like he needed to lie down and he could really use some fresh air.

They grabbed their jackets and left the room. They run through the corridors of the precinct and stormed outside. Liv run to the car, got inside and turned on the engine. Fin didn't even put up a fight about driving them there. He just got inside and sat on the seat with his heart pounding in his chest. He was in no position to be driving right now and he knew it well. Olivia turned the sirens on to buy them some extra time. The car was going fast; the fierce noise the siren made rang too loudly in his ears. He was feeling nauseous.

He kept looking outside the car window. Liv knew better than to disturb him at the moment so she focused on driving as fast as she could and gave him the space he needed.

"_I'm sure she is fine Fin. Don't worry too much ok?" _That was all she told him and smiled at him.

He nodded in response but it wasn't even clear whether he had heard a word she had just said or not. His head was buzzing. He kept thinking about her…about all the things they had experienced together. The things they had shared with each other. The whole journey of getting to know and trust each other. The first time he felt his heart skip a beat because of her. The first time he stood so close to her that he could smell her scent. The first smile she gave him; the first kiss they gave each other. He always knew their job was dangerous and that in any given chance either one of them could end up being hurt. However, he had never thought that he would be visiting her in the hospital after a car accident. He was feeling like God was joking on him. She was too young to die. No… God would never do such a thing, he thought. He kept telling himself that God had her back and that she would be just fine. He would make sure she was back on her feet, ready to go back to work and save innocent lives. God owed her that. He had to be reasonable enough to see that she deserved more than just thirty three years on this earth.

"_Oh God please…I know I am not your biggest fan but please don't take my angel with you in heaven please! Don't make me lose all hope in this world. I promise you I will change my ways if this is your way of getting back at me for being skeptical about you." _Fin had his eyes closed. He was so distracted that he didn't hear Liv telling him that they had arrived at the hospital. He realized they were there a few seconds after Liv had already stepped out of the car. He followed Liv inside the hospital entrance and looked around. His eyes landed on a nurse and moved over to her direction.

"_We need to see a patient; Amanda Rollins…she had a car accident from what we've been told."_ Fin asked in a calm voice; as calm as he could considering the stress he was in..

"_That way. Take the stairs up to the next floor."_ The nurse advised them and they thanked her in a hurry. They walked up to the next floor, hoping to find a doctor that could fill them in. No one had informed them about the state of her health and at the time they didn't know if she was struggling for her life or if it was just a minor injury. As always assuming the worst was the first thing they did.

They were lucky to run into a doctor on their way up and gathered around him immediately.

"_Doctor… can you tell us how is Amanda Rollins? She had a car accident. How is she?"_

"_Oh yes detective Rollins. Yes she got run over by a car an hour ago and got transferred here."_

Those few seconds before the doctor told them what the deal was they both held their breaths and prepared themselves for the unexpected.

"_We're running tests as we speak. We're concerned about the injury on her head. The way she crushed on the pavement may have caused a serious damage but we are not in a position to be making an official statement. I would rather keep my cards closed and not jump into conclusions."_

"_So she will be ok?"_ Fin asked to clarify the situation.

"_I am confident that her injuries are not serious enough to worry us. Apart from that injury on her head she had a few cracks and wounds on her body from the fall. Nothing too serious though. No apparent damage at her spine either. I'm gonna have to get back to you after the tests are run though. Until then I can't say for sure. Once we take a good look inside her body we will know if there are any internal injuries we should know about."_

"_Thank you doctor. Thank you so much."_ Fin palmed his forehead and sighed. He knew his baby girl was a die heard warrior.

"_Uh good news. Thank God."_ Liv stated and brushed her hair with her right hand. She rested her hands on her waist, looked up and sighed. Once she was over the stress she offered to go get some coffee as well as call the captain and fill him in.

Fin took a seat on a couch at the reception room and rested his arms on his thighs. He palmed his head and felt like crying. 'She was run over by a car.' His perfectly fit and perfectly healthy girlfriend who fights criminals for a living was run over like a cat. No matter how much it hurt him to admit it he knew it was his entire fault.

He knew too damn well that Amanda called him in total frustration and despair. He could hear her voice through the phone line. She was overwhelmed. She was breathing heavily and she was rushing to get to him. She put her life at risk in order to get to him in time before he would make up false stories in his head. He tried not to visualize the accident but images of his blonde beauty getting crushed and thrown on the ground were storming his mind, making it hard not to cry.

"_It's all my fault. I sounded distant and suspicious on the phone and I gave her the impression that I didn't believe her. I hang up on her. I should have called right away. I should have guessed she would have taken it the hardest. I shouldn't have waited…I shouldn't have. I am a failure." _He thought to himself.

Fin wiped a tear from the bottom of his left eye and sniffed his nose. The room was crowded but he didn't give a rat's ass about being seen crying. The last thing that concerned him was maintaining his image and caring about gossip. Liv came back with two cups of coffee. She saw him from afar, broken and miserable. She sat next to him and handed him the coffee.

"_Fin…it's ok. You heard the doctor. She is gonna be just fine. It is no big deal. It was just an accident. We've all been there haven't we?"_

He raised his eyebrows and grinned.

"_I acted like a jerk Liv. I left her thinking I was offended and hurt. I left her thinking I didn't trust her. I didn't even think about how it would affect her. This is all cause of me. She begged me to trust her and believe her on the phone and I didn't assure her that I did. If she had died not knowing the truth I would have put a bullet through my head. I swear to God I would never be able to get over this. There is no worse feeling in the world than guilt."_

"_Well luckily you will tell her yourself when you see her. Ok? So try to hold yourself together."_ Liv rubbed his back and changed the subject.

"_Captain was worried sick as well. The minute I told him, he picked up and left. He is already on his way here. I told him everything the doctor said to assure him she is gonna make it but he insisted he should be here."_

"_Yeah he wouldn't just sit at home and wait. He must be stressing out."_

Liv was surprised at Fin's words. He knew for a fact that Cragen would be freaking out and that certainty intrigued her.

"_Amanda and Cragen are that close huh?"_

"_Captain has always treated his detectives like his own family and he isn't gonna change. In this case, he has one more reason to feel the need to be here."_

"_What reason is that?" _

"_He has really taken Amanda under his wing. That bond was created after he found out about her addiction. He helped her deal with it and he has been keeping a close eye on her ever since. He feels like he is her guardian and Amanda encouraged him to consider himself that. He found a daughter in her. His words not mine."_

"_I see. I didn't know that. Good for them. Amanda deserves to have a healthy father figure just as much as I did and our captain was there for me too back when I needed him. I'm happy for them."_

"_Yeah me too. Listen, you don't have to stay here any longer. We left work in a hurry and there is no one back at the station right now. One of us has to go back there. Go back and I promise I will let you know what happens. I will call you as soon as there is news."_

"_Ugh, I guess you're right. I'm not helping anyone by just staying here. I should go. Alright, call me when you see her."_

"_Will do…bye."_

Liv left the hospital and headed back to the precinct. Nick was already on his way to work as well in order to fill in for Fin who was by his girlfriend's side.

One of the doctors opened the door and made his way in a hurry toward one of the relatives waiting in the reception area. Fin got up from his seat frantically hoping there was something new but at the same time fearing that storming like that probably meant bad news and he ended up thanking his luck that the doctor wasn't coming up to him.

He didn't even wanna think about the possibility of not seeing her again. He struggled to rip that scary thought out of his mind before he would go insane. Fin never found it easy to hang out inside hospitals. Ever since he got shot he would always try to avoid visiting the hospital unless there was a pressing reason. As he was standing there, pressing his body against the wall, another doctor came by and this time it was indeed about Amanda.

"_You're ms Rollins' fiancé right?"_

"_Yes doctor. How is she?"_

"_The MRI came back clean. She suffered a minor concussion but this isn't something we should be worrying about. We're confident that there is no internal bleeding either but we are putting her though a series of X-rays to make sure we haven't missed anything. After that she will be transferred to her room and you will be able to see her."_

"_Thank you doctor."_

Fin could finally breathe again. He could at least stop thinking about the worst scenario. He finally knew she was gonna be just fine. He could rest his thought a little bit. He wouldn't stop beating himself up anytime soon and he wasn't planning to do so. He knew that regardless of the seriousness of her wounding he was the one to blame in the first place. How he felt didn't really matter though. All that mattered was that she was ok and he was gonna see her soon. He was anxious to see her face, look in her blue eyes and steal a smile from her; one of those divine smiles that put dimples on her cheeks. He was gonna crawl on his feet and apologize for being so mistrustful. He would explain to her how much he regretted the way he spoke to her on the phone. He hoped she would see how much he blamed himself and forgive him so that they could go back to how they were and everything could just go back to normal.

"_Doctor! We have a situation. You need to see this."_

A nurse rushed toward the doctor and forced him to follow her. Something had happened and Fin couldn't really understand what and to whom. He tried to ask the doctors but they were all telling him to let them do their job. No one knew what was going on for sure until a doctor came out from the examination area and walked up to Fin. He knew shit was about to hit the fan and he stood there, frozen.

"_I'm afraid there have been complications. You should have informed us that your fiancé is pregnant! I wish we knew about this earlier. We lost valuable time. She just had an extensive bleeding and we barely saved the fetus. However, things aren't looking so good. We're providing blood to her right now."_

"_I…I didn't know she was pregnant. I…I'm hearing this for the first time."_

Fin was one little stage away from collapsing. He felt the whole room spinning. A minute ago he didn't even know he was gonna be a father and now he could lose his baby in the blink of an eye.

"_I'm gonna be a father."_ He kept saying inside. _"Doctor, do everything you need to do. Please!"_ he begged the doctor.

"_We're doing everything we can. I am going back inside and I will try to keep you posted."_

Fin felt his powers giving up on him. His knees bended and he almost kneeled on the ground. This should have been the happiest moment of his entire life. They should have been celebrating the coming of their first baby together. He should have been her protector. A real father should protect and keep his seed safe and sound, not put its life in danger. If he would end up being the abettor of his own baby's death he wouldn't ever get over it. He would definitely lose his mind.

He sat on the floor, leaning on the wall. The room was now empty. He was alone, away from everyone. He hung and hid his head in between his arms and stayed like this. His knees were brought close to his chest. He didn't know what to think anymore. All he kept repeating was _"This isn't happening!"_

He closed his eyes and prayed again. This time he prayed about his unborn baby. He realized the games God plays sometimes, if there is such a thing called God. He needed to believe there was a higher power right now; someone more powerful than him; someone who could give his hope and help him get through this. He joined his hands and prayed like he had never prayed before. It took him ages back. Back when he was a little boy in church with his grandma. She was the one who introduced him to religion and he got drifted away when she died. He felt like if God existed he shouldn't have taken his grandma from him. He was only ten years old and ever since he disconnected from God and at some point he denied his existence. At that point of his life he didn't feel anything about God. He was indifferent but he felt like he had no right to play with his baby's and Amanda's life like that. He needed to pray to God on their behalf. He prayed so deeply, so purely and so selflessly that he lost touch of the real world. He was numb. He could hear the hospital sounds from afar as if he was miles away from all the drama in there. He was hearing his own heartbeat so loudly and his body was so tranquil.

The moment he opened his eyes he felt a bizarre warmth inside his soul. He felt safe and protected. It was a weird feeling he felt that he couldn't put his finger on. Everything felt ok now. He breathed deeply with relief for the first time that day. He got up on his feet, feeling stronger and more confident. He looked around and he was still all alone. He didn't feel alone anymore though. He felt a presence near him. He felt confident as if he had all the help and support he could ever ask for. As if someone had signed a deal premising that everything was going to be just fine. Without even realizing it he smiled. He felt lighter than ever and walked toward the ER to see of there was any updates. A nurse saw him and approached him.

"_The bleeding stopped. Everything is under control. Both the mother and the baby are perfectly healthy. You will be allowed to see your fiancé in just a few. Wait right here. I will get back to you and take you to her." _

That was it. The crisis was over. They were both safe. God had kept his part of the deal.

After a little while the nurse led him to the room and he opened the door as gently as he could in case she had fallen asleep. She was sleeping indeed, resting, recuperating from that turbulence. She was lying on her back with her hands placed on her belly, looking calm and so peaceful.

She had a big cut on her chin and an abrasion on her forehead covered by a bandage. Other than that she seemed perfectly well. Her right hand was wrapped in plaster. Fin made his way next to her and kissed her forehead with tenderness. She looked like an angel as always, dressed in total white. She wasn't alone anymore though. There was another little angel inside her. He shyly lifted his hand and placed it on her belly for a second, trying not to disturb her. It was too soon to feel anything inside her but just the thought that his seed was growing in that little space gave him chilles down his spine.

He kept staring at her, smiling at her, thinking about what a great spectacle she will be with a big baby bump. An hour later, she was still asleep and he was remaining by her side. There was no way in hell he would be missing when she would wake up. He was gonna be present and no one could force him to leave the hospital bed.

That hour passed just as fast with his head making up stories with the three of them. He was so anxious to share those stories with her and laugh about his vision of the future.

She took a deep breath and seemed like she was getting ready to wake up. She moved her body underneath the sheets and moved her fingers. She opened her eyes just a little that allowed her to see the light but nothing more. Her eye lids were so heavy and she had to make an effort not to fall asleep again.

She took a look around and observed the room. It took her a minute to find her orientation and she raised her eyebrows when it all came back to her. She remembered the accident, the transfer to the hospital, the tests, and the scary moment when they told her she was pregnant but she wouldn't be for much longer if the heavy bleeding wouldn't stop soon. That moment she opened her eyes wide and abruptly touched her belly with both her hands. She tried to recall if she had lost the baby but the tranquillizer they had treated her made everything fussy and blurry. She didn't know if the thing she remembered were real or made up by her imagination.

_"Hey baby…you're back. Don't worry. Our baby is just fine."_ Fin assured her with a big smile on his face.

She looked up and met his face. She didn't know he would be there. After recovering from the scary thought that she had lost her baby she focused her eyes on his face and licked her lips.

She really couldn't think of anything to say at the moment. She tried to find the right words to explain her emotions; to let him know how scary this whole thing was and how much she needed him. Fin felt the same way. He tried multiple times to speak but he didn't know where to start.

"_I'm sorry."_ Fin and Amanda both said to each other almost simultaneously.

"_No I'm sorry."_ Fin cut her off as she begun to explain how things were with Eli and what caused all this. _"I'm sorry I hug up on you and caused your accident. It was all my fault. I acted like a little bitch. I will never forget myself even if you forgive me. I almost killed you."_

"_No, it wasn't your fault sweetie don't do that to yourself. It was just an accident ok? It wasn't your fault or mine. I just fainted as I was crossing the red light. That's all."_

"_Don't you ever do that to me…ever again; I warn you ok?" Fin "threatened" her and smiled. "I won't survive another crisis like this. I swear baby that will be the end of me."_

He came closer to her face and kissed her nose with his big thick lips. She raised her hand as higher as she could and touched his cheek as he had dived his face in her neck, smelling her flesh, whispering all the things he wanted to tell her and worried he wouldn't have the chance to do it. All the tender things he needed her to hear for one more time. It felt like it was the first time; as if they were just getting to know each other's feelings; as if he hadn't told her all that so many times in the past.

He pulled his face from her neck with a kiss and wiped his eyes. He was in such an emotional load that he couldn't help releasing his tension. It was beyond his power to stop crying at the moment.

It is remarkable how easily true love can turn a strong, thick-skinned man into an emotional wreck. Fin had never felt so fragile, so helpless, so unwilling to go back to his old life-style if he would lose her. He was fully aware of how much differently he was feeling and behaving. He knew he wasn't the same old Fin he used to be. He had passed a certain point in his life that made it impossible to go back. He didn't even know how to be like old times. He found it a lot easier to cry these days. He would see beauty in a flower and get this weird beautiful feeling inside watching the clouds scatter in the sky after a storm. He was smiling at random people out in the street, being courteous to strangers and joyful just in the thought of going back home to snuggle in her arms. Would there be any form of life after her? He wasn't confident about that. Whatever life he would have without her wasn't a life worth living.

He looked in her eyes and then nodded toward her belly. She followed his gaze down there and shyly moved her hand toward her tummy. She was still in shock from the news of her pregnancy herself. She hadn't had any time at all to digest it. She was astonished.

"_The doctor said we're not alone anymore. There is a third member amongst us."_ He moved his hand and touched her tummy through the soft fabric of the hospital gown as well. "That little creature made you faint."

"Yeah, it seems that way." Amanda smiled carefully , so as not to open the stitches on her chin.

The room was silent. They were connecting with their eyes, expressing their excitement, amazement and terror combined just by looking at each other. They had no idea how this was gonna work out but they were certain they were willing to do everything to make it work out just fine.

_"We don't have to have everything figured out from day one so don't panic ok? We'll be fine. You see how we made things work with Jenny right? This is just like that you'll see. One step at a time is more than enough ok?"_

Amanda shook her head and took a deep breath.

"_I didn't do this on purpose…It just happened. I don't know how Fin; I swear."_

"_Hey,hey,hey what you talking about now? Who asked you about that?"_

"_We weren't ready for that…I should have been more careful. ugh I cant believe I let this happen. I feel like a teen or something." _

"_Well we're not teens so there is no need to make this such a huge deal now. We're grown folks and we're more than capable of raising a kid the way it needs to be raised, so chill. We had talked about this and we knew we were gonna take that big step eventually. If you're asking me I think your age is perfect for it. I wouldn't want you to be one of those moms at the park who look like they could be the kid's grandma."_

Amanda teared up and touched his hands on her belly.

"_I know you had taken a pregnancy test last month. Liv told me about it but it's ok…there is no need to talk about it. All I want you to understand is that from now on I want to know everything. No more secrecy ok? I wasn't there for you then and I felt useless. I want to be the first person you come to when something is troubling you; especially now that you have mini-me inside you."_

"_I didn't know how to tell you…"_

"Shhh don't even start with that. I don't need you to explain. Just remember our deal from now on ok?"

Fin didn't wanna stress Amanda with unnecessary chatter about what was already said and done. She had just gone through a major shock and he didn't wanna inflict more stress on her. He knew how impressionable her emotional state was and the last thing he wanted to do was to take her back to the bullshit that led her to that hospital bed.

"_Jenny is not gonna react well to the news of having a little brother or sister. You now how bossy and spoiled she has become."_ Fin joked to make Amanda relax and see this matter from a different angle.

Becoming a mom was the best thing she would experience in her life and Fin was determined to make it the best period in her lifetime for her. He wanted her to break the chain of bad parenting and stop those ugly thoughts of her childhood that kept haunting her all this time. That was gonna be a new beginning and they were only allowed to look ahead and make plans; looking back wasn't part of the plan.

A knock on the door put an end to the family peace.

"_It's nice to see you're already awake. You look good. Your colour is good."_

It was Donald holding a bouquet of pink tulips. He had finally arrived at the hospital after a few stops on the road since he didn't wanna visit her empty handed.

"_Cap, come in."_ Fin got off from the bed and offered Cragen to sit on the chair.

"_Good to see you captain. You shouldn't have…"_ Amanda stared at him standing at the doorway and saw the flowers he was holding.

"_You had us worrying to death."_

"_I had already told her once that I'm in a critical age. I almost had a heart attack."_ Fin added and laughed.

"_It's not my fault cap. As you can see 2013 still keeps treating me crappy." _

She sighed and displayed her obvious bruises and stitches.

"_I think you're a bit unfair now. The way I see it this year gave you more than it took from you."_

He hinted and hesitantly stepped out of the door, coming back in with a huge stuffed animal.

_"Oh wow!"_ Fin shouted and pointed it out to Amanda_." Oh look at that! I didn't know you had that side to you captain. I am impressed. You surely did a lot of thinking too."_

"_Yeah it took me a bit too long to find what I was looking for. Once you told me the news over the phone I felt like this day deserved some fluff. You don't find out you will become a parent everyday…even if the day didnt really start on the right foot it will definitely end beautifully. Anyway, you should put this somewhere… it is clearly a panda and it is obvious why I chose it. I hope he… or she likes it."_

Cragen was blushed and feeling like a fish out of water. He had never found himself in the same position before and he felt like everyone could feel his awkwardness.

Amanda was speechless. She was moved by his gesture so much that she couldn't believe how lucky she was to have people in her life like her captain.

She tried to find the right words but she couldn't open her mouth without busting into tears. She wasn't sure if it was due to the hormones of the pregnancy or the anxiety caused by that whole incident with Eli and the accident but she was feeling really emotional and supersensitive. Or maybe she was just that feeling of being content that she always looked for but couldn't find it. That feeling of having everything she ever wished for and always thought she didn't deserve to dream. It was never a hunger of material things or money. All she ever dreamed of was having that inner peace and sharing it with the people she loved and loved her as well.

The more she gazed at Fin and Donald, standing next to her bed joking with each other, looking at her with love and adoration the more that feeling increased. That strange breeze of fulfilment and safety encircled her heart and made her smile like she had never smiled before. It was that kind of smile that she couldn't dismiss from her face. She was finally part of a big loving family; a family of her own, which was gonna grow bigger in seven months.


	20. Chapter 20

**PREVIOUSLY: AMANDA FOUND OUT SHE WAS PREGNANT. **

Two days later, earlier than what the doctors had suggested - but not soon enough for the impatient and unwilling to stand still and rest - blonde, Fin took Amanda back home. However, before the grand escape from that _"prison"_, they paid the gynaecologist a last minute visit before heading home, for a last check and a small briefing that the parents-to-be certainly couldn't decline.

The doctor was Gloria, a fifty year old Latina, with a thick body shape and an afro hair do. She was cheerful and relaxed and thankfully Amanda warmed up to her from minute one of meeting her. Unlike most doctors she had no intention of making the blonde feel caged, trapped in a situation she would only get out of in several months. She would treat pregnant women like any other and she felt like being pregnant was a blessing and not a burden. That point of view along with her great sense of humor made it easy for Amanda to make the decision to choose her and stick with her til the end.

Gloria knew who she had to deal with from the start. She was the one who examined Amanda for the very first time two days ago. She could tell the blonde was a tough little lady, with that dead serious look in her eyes that simply and succinctly stated:_ "Don't fuck with me."_ She knew her newest patient was a cop and so was the father, so she was prepared for an unconventional pregnancy period.

_"So Amanda, do you have any questions about the procedures and the things that need to be done from now on? You wanna ask anything specific? Fire away! Pun intended!"_

She joked, congratulating herself for what seemed to her as a brilliant connection. Fin forced himself to laugh along, so as not to insult her but he was worried about his fiancé who hadn't moved an inch the whole time.

_"Mandy?"_ Fin laid his hand and touched Amanda's shoulder, where her hair, were gently placed.

_"No..i'm all set. You were very…descriptive and informative. Thank you."_ Amanda was quick to reply and looked both the doctor and Fin with a quick look, just for both of them to confirm that she was just fine.

The truth was though that Amanda hadn't heard a word of what the doctor had just said. She would focus on Gloria's lips and see them moving, creating words and phrases, posing for a quick smile or a joke but her mind was travelling so far away that she wasn't able to participate in whatever was happening in that room. The sounds were blurry and from afar. All it took was the sound of those very first words Gloria had begun with: _"You're not alone anymore…"_ That moment it felt like she fell inside a rabbit hole and travelled to another land in another time.

_"It wont be just you anymore."_ Those were the exact words her mother had used to announce to the little one that she was expecting company. Amanda was turning two years old and she couldn't possibly acknowledge the mechanisms behind the coming of a new baby, so she was thrilled that she was gonna have a little brother or sister to play with an didnt ask any questions. In that fragile age, when toddlers discover their own identity Amanda had become the bigger sister and she took upon that role ever since. At that moment when Kim was born, she stopped being the center of attention – whatever amount of attention they gave her anyway- and begun to grow old on autopilot.

She took a big breath and looked away again as Fin was already up from his seat and had offered his hand for a warm gesture. Gloria took a glance of the blonde and instantly made up an excuse for the father to leave them two alone for a private conversation. She even gave Fin a shy look in order to convince him that it was about _"female"_ issues which shouldn't be of his concern. Fin bought it and made his way out of the office, leaving his girl behind who felt like a toddler, frustrated on the first day at day-care without momma and daddy.

_"Amanda can you sit for a minute so that we can talk?"_

_"Yeah sure…what do you wanna tell me?"_

_"Question is what YOU wanna tell me."_

_"I…'m…not sure what you're referring to." _Amanda tilted her head in curiosity.

_"Look Amanda… I've been doing this job for too long and I can tell you that the alpha and omega of a good and smooth pregnancy is the mother's psychology state. I couldn't help but notice you are struggling with something inside you. If you have any reason to feel frustrated or depressed you should let me know."_

Amanda chuckled and shook her head. She took both her hands and palmed her face leaving a small prolonged groan.

_"It's nothing new doctor. It's just that this whole pregnancy thing woke up some… unpleasant memories from my past; memories that shaped me and keep haunting me from time to time. I'm learning how to deal with them and I've done a lot of work on that lately so there is nothing to worry about….really."_

_"Well I am not a therapist but I can tell you this is the best way to go. You must keep in mind that during this time in your life your emotional state will experience some turbulence from the hormonal changes in your body that will certainly add to your stress. I know your job is difficult and dangerous shall I add?"_

_"Yeah, this is one of the things that worry me the most; my safety at work."_

_"What are the other things?"_

_"I wouldn't wanna waste your time with my family stuff."_

Amanda tried to stand but Gloria kindly urged her to remain sited and elaborate more on those issues.

_"I just feel like I've been a mom since I can remember myself and I was kinda hoping I could only have myself to take care of at some point…and now…I will become a real mom and there is no getting out of that one. I mean, there is no turning back…and it kinda scares me. Last time someone told me I was expecting company hell-fire broke out."_

_"What makes you think that things will turn out the way they did back then?"_

_"I don't know… I guess I have this certain feeling."_

_"Which is only based on memories…not in knowing what the future holds; for all you know you may end up loving being a mom...a real mom and not just…what I assume from your words…a bigger sister?"_

"Yes, a bigger sister with a sibling that counts for a dozen. I'm just…tired of working hard for other people's behalf. What kind of mother will I become if I'm too tired to care about my own baby? I don't wanna end up blaming it for my own life."

_"Have you had these thought before?"_

_"Yes I have many times and I discard them every single time but I'm getting tired of them coming back to me. It's like something triggers them."_

_"You mean something like what just happened?; The stress of not living for yourself anymore?"_

_"Yes…I guess…yeah that was it this tine."_

_"Let me tell you a little something Amanda. When you first came in here two days ago, bleeding, unaware of your pregnancy I knew you were a tough girl. I could tell because I was also once a tough young lady. I came to America on a fishing boat from Cuba and I struggled so much to build a life on my own here. At some point I made my own family and like you I was so tired. The prospect of a life full of work and raising a kid on my own made me think about giving up at first. But, I can tell you those little creatures give you a reason to get out of bed every morning…to become a better person…it works better then therapy to be honest._"

Amanda smiled and fought really hard not to cry. She wanted to save some of her dignity anyway.

_"As for your strength to put that baby first and keep putting yourself second i can tell you , you still have a lot of strength so don't worry about running out of it. When I first examined you, when I first told you about the baby you had that look on your face that gave away your shock and your fears. Once the bleeding wouldn't stop and you were about to lose the baby that toughness and raw aggression gave their place for a fragile and vulnerable expression. Just in seconds you became a mother lion whose baby is ripped out of her arms. Your mother instincts instantly transformed you into a real female and not a die hard ranger. That's when I knew I wanted to be your doctor."_

_"I know i will love it with al my heart. i will never treat it wrong." Amanda cried out loud._

_"I know you won't, and you do too."_

Amanda, who was already emotional from the doctor's speech, set a few tears and exhaled with felt so blessed to have that talk with Gloria no matter how much she hated being in that position. She needed that boost more than ever and hearing those words from another woman was something that she needed so badly all this time.

Fin was always a great listener and someone who would help her with that journey she had begun inside her in search of the real Amanda and not the product of her family. However, what she needed more was a female perspective and that was something she lacked. The more she would think about it the more she would realize that in that period on her life that was just beginning she needed her mother more than ever and more than anyone else. Gloria's affection and motherly love made it obvious to her that unless she would fix her relationship with her mother she would never find peace inside to raise her own baby. If anyone could make Amanda feel adequate as a mother that would be her own mother's word of confidence and she felt that she owed her that.

Amanda walked out of the office, calm and confident, having managed to climb another mountain on her way to healing her past wounds.

_"Are you ok Amanda?" _Fin asked her again and brought her closer to him.

_"Yes…baby…I'm great. Gloria and I had an interesting talk and I will tell you all about it when we finally get back home, but first I should have something to eat. I'm starting to feel a little hungry."_

She took the piece of paper Gloria had handed to her with a suggested diet she could follow in order to gain the right amount of pounds, stay fit and at the same time built a healthy baby. Fin stared at her with adoration and pride. Amanda was gearing up, slowly but steadily getting into mommy mode and it looked like she was gonna have a lot of fun with it.

**It was time to go home now. **

Fin parked the car and quickly jumped on the street. He hoped on the other side of the car and opened the door for Amanda to get out.

_"Hmmm my gentleman…I should get pregnant more often if you're gonna be treating me like a princess."_

_"Like I haven't been doing that already!" _He joked.

_"No…no I'm kidding. You've been doing all this all this time."_

She got out of the car, came closer to him and gave him a big kiss on the lips. It seemed as though ages had passed since the last time he received such a kiss from her and he accepted it with open arms.

"Hmmm you really shouldn't be getting me all worked up; you heard the doctor. No woo-hooing for a the rest of the week and I believe _"proceed with caution"_ was her advice for afterwards.

_"Well she saw that we wouldn't take no for an answer so I guess she had to say something…I mean it is her job to set the rules for us."_

_"Rules are made to be broken…" _He whispered in a sassy tone and held onto her tightly. After a little thinking though he took a step back.

_"Ugh I feel guilty for feeling horny right now. I mean he or she is in there and she is feeling everything. I feel so dirty."_

_"We have some time before she grows ears and hears our dirty talk though right?"_ Amanda added and laughed but immediately became aware of the situation.

_"We're not the first to have a baby Fin. I mean… all couples find a way to live and have a sex life though that period. We'll make it work. Don't think like that. We're not doing anything wrong. What she…or he is feeling right now is how much daddy and mommy love each other and how happy daddy makes his, her mommy."_

_"Daddy is the happiest man on earth right now. I wish there was a way for our baby to feel that as well."_

They remained hugged in the middle of the pavement.

That day they spent it mostly in bed, hugging and kissing, looking at the pictures of the baby, goofing around about the future. Amanda was feeling more and more confident that this could really work out just fine. the next morning found both of them lying in each other's arms , with jenny sleeping next to them.

**11 am - ****There was a knock on the door**

_"Detective Rollins?"_ An unknown man knocked on the door and rang the doorbell as a sign that he had a pressing reason to be there. Amanda opened the door after putting a shirt on her.

_"Yes, who are you."_

_"Detective Morrison ma'am. I am here to take you."_ He walked up to her and tied to steer her out of the house. Amanda looked at him sceptically and so did Fin who instinctively stood in front of his woman and brought his body between her and the unidentified man.

_"Who are you asking for and why?"_ Fin said in a hostile tone.

_"Step aside sir, we're here for detective Rollins. You need to follow us to the precinct ma'am. We can do it the easy way or the hard way. We wouldn't wanna handcuff you."_

_"Excuse me?"_ Amanda barked at him and made her way past Fin. She had just switched mode, going from mommy to badass in just a second.

_"Detective Rollins, you leave me no choice. You are arrested for the murder of special agent Eli McGraw."_

Amanda's face turned pale and she was in the verge of fainting but there was no time to think about how weak she had been feeling since the accident or to even consider being careful not to stretch her stitches on both her forehead and her chin.

_"Do you hear yourself? Eli isn't dead. We talked not more than three days ago."_

_"He was found dead this morning in his hotel room. Step inside the car detective. We'll explain everything on the way to the precinct."_

He grabbed her hand and led her to the police car. She didn't fight back. She knew it would only make things worse and all she could do was wait and see what had really happened. This whole scenario seemed overly ridiculous to her.

_"I'm going with you and you'd better take your hands off her if you wanna hold on to that nose of yours. My fiancé is two months pregnant and just came home from the hospital. I will play along with your little parody here but once this whole thing is over we'll have a serious tall you and me."_

_"Are you threatening me detective?"_

_"Well I guess you're not that dumb anyway. You only lack some investigating skills but no one is perfect I guess."_

_"We'll see if you'll be this ironic when you see in which position your fiancé is in…let's go."_

The cars drove to the precinct and the captain along with Liv was already there.

_"What the hell happened?"_ Amanda addressed it to Cragen and he gave her one of his investigating stares that made her even more uncomfortable and frustrated her more than the arrest itself.

_"It's ok Amanda, we'll get to the bottom of this. Don't worry about anything ok?" _Liv quickly added once she saw the blonde losing her color.

_"Something shady is going on here and I'm gonna find out what. In the meantime I want you to keep quiet." Cragen assured her and walked her into the precinct._

_"Step aside captain. This isn't your business." _Another detective had joined the posy; this time he was an IAB detective.

**_"Eli, pick it up now! Pick it up you son of a bitch. Grow a set and pick up the phone you hear me? You will pay for this. I swear if you ruin my life you are a dead man.__" _**

Everyone in the room was silent, allowing Amanda's voice to echo inside the empty room. Amanda knew the exact words she had used during that rant over the phone so she knew in advance that she was up against a shitty situation. She kept her jaw tightened, gritting her teeth, taking deep breaths aggressively through her nose. Her eyes were narrowed and the look in her eyes was stone cold.

_"This is just a matter of speech detective; and it doesn't prove anything."_

Amanda commented on the recorded voice message, keeping a straight voice as much as she could. She was furious but acting like an en-caged animal would only make things worse and he knew it.

_"It gives you motive, detective."_ The assigned detective replied in an ironic and glorious tone, standing right above her head.

There was an internal affairs agent right next to him, keeping quiet, smiling with that arrogant attitude, thriving in his expensive suit and his shinny shoes. He was thrilled to have nailed Rollins down. That was the second time IAB had been looking into her; first time with the gambling addiction, not to mention the incident the previous year when she had shot and killed a Russian pimp in a public location. She had received a warning back then and now, with being the prime suspect of a murder of a special agent, her record was bound to be looked into word by word.

_"You are a smart detective. You know this looks ugly. Three days after that call, agent McGraw is found dead; murdered in his hotel room by someone who apparently knew him considering the fact that the deceased let the killer inside."_

_"I haven't spoken to him or seen him since then; since the day I made that phone call."_

_"You mean after he caused some turbulence in your personal life, causing you to speak so… how should I put it…politely on the phone."_

He took a glance at the IAB detective and they both laughed at that subtle joke.

_"This is just a coincidence. I cannot be responsible for whatever happened to Eli McGraw."_

_"Yes I'm sure this is all a huge mistake and you're here for nothing. I 'm gonna ask you again and this time I expect a straight answer detective. Where were you this morning between 5 and 6 am? You can either confess now or wait for the hotel's security cameras to show your pretty face. We're already looking into them you know."_

_"I was home, sleeping…resting…doctor's orders."_ Amanda answered in a hostile way.

Fin was hearing the entire conversation from the outside of the interrogation room. He had his hands buried deep inside his pockets, standing still, leaning against the wall. He was staring at Amanda right through the window, hearing her speak. He kept a frown on his face the whole time, looking busy, calculating, putting the pieces of the puzzle together, connecting the dots using everything he knew-and it wasn't much. All he knew was that Eli was found dead in his bed, half naked, that morning. The news had struck him like lightning. Just when things were gonna get back to normal for them, Amanda was handcuffed and dragged to the station.

That son of a bitch Eli was causing trouble from the grave now. What a big mess that was. The famous Eli McGraw murdered. He and everyone else knew this was a big leak of blood in the sea and would most definitely attract some big white sharks. IAB was one of them and he despised them as much as she did. They were gonna tear her past apart to make this charge stick and they were gonna find out about their relationship too sooner or later.

Some of the fellow officers in the svu knew they were involved. Even if they didn't know before, they would definitely find out now. Fin wasn't worrying so much about that, especially now that they were gonna have a baby together. There was no way to keep this a secret now anyway. Most of the cops knew about Amanda's pregnancy already. If the accident hadn't occurred they would probably find out months later but everything happened so fast because of that unfortunate event.

Some of them were shocked. They didn't even know she was seeing anyone and being pregnant totally ruined their chances with her. Some were eager to find out who the secret lover was and if he was also the father of the baby. Amanda had always kept her love life hidden so no one knew for sure what her relationship status was so far. There were also those, men and women who were shocked to find out that she was into men.

The baby bump was definitely gonna send the message that she was involved with someone and if that wouldn't do the trick Fin had thought about putting a ring on her finger to mark his territory. However, that wasn't the right time to be having thoughts about picking engagement rings and buying baby stuff. Amanda was in trouble and along with her so was his little baby.

_"When was the last time you saw him again?"_

_"I told you I saw him that same day I made the phone call. A few hours prior to that to be exact."_

_"And you're always willing to be exact right? So you won't have a problem telling us what went on in that parking lot that day…right"_

Amanda froze. How did they know that? They were too fast and that scared her a lot.

_"We talked briefly at the parking lot. I was about to take my car and he found me there. He had something to tell me. We talked and we went our own way."_

_"That thing you talked about had to be something serious…because we have you on tape, pushing him away after an… what seemed to be an unwanted grab. Can you tell us a little bit more about that?"_

Fin was holding on by a thread. He couldn't picture that scum bag touching his woman especially knowing that she was carrying his seed. If that piece of crap was alive he would kill him with his one hands.

Amanda scoffed.

_"What is there to tell? I just stepped away from him. I may have pushed his hand away from me. I don't remember clearly. I just came back from the hospital as you can see. I have a concussion."_

_"Yes we can see that detective and we're very sorry. But let's get back to the case shall we?" _The IAB detective intervened and put on that fake sleazy smile.

_"Because of him…right? You went through all this, you and your baby because of him." _Detective Morrison insisted.

_"I had a car accident, detective. We call them accidents for a reason. They just happen. No one is to blame."_ Amanda shot back maintaining a calm, frozen and mildly aggressive attitude. _"So this is it? This is all you've got? A regular phone message that can only prove that I was pissed and i ranted over the phone, like half a billion people on earth do all the time? Oh I forgot about the video…yeah it is a major crime to reject a clingy man. Well in that case I should have received the death penalty cause i have done that a lot in my life…it's a jungle out there, detectives. I'm sure you've had your fair share of rejections right?"_

_"It's not that simple detective. You see none of us ended up being half naked, in bed with a broken scull."_

_"I don't appreciate that look detective. You need to tone it down a bit. You two are acting like you just unveiled a major prostitution ring or an infamous serial killer. I am here as a suspect, so unless you have more solid evidence than childish indications then I suggest you change your tone with me. I know my rights."_

_"Yes she does; and she wont be speaking with you without her lawyer. You're done gentlemen."_ Captain Cragen busted into the room and ended the interrogation.

_"It's ok captain. I've got nothing to hide here. What worries me is that the real killer is somewhere out there and not as easy to track down as the "armed and dangerous" Amanda Rollins."_

Amanda said emphatically, making fun of the overzealous detectives.

_"Yes, we are overzealous…especially when it's about one of our own. You should know that detective. We wont stop until we put that murderer behind bars; remember that. We're not over."_

They stepped out of the room and Amanda with Donald followed as well.

_"Are you ok?"_

_"Yeah, I'm ok captain. I think it's time to take my pills though. I need some water; and something to eat would be great. I feel kinda weak. I don't know if it's cause the baby or the injuries or both."_

_"Don't worry I'll get you a sandwich asap. Fin was right out here a few minutes ago. I told him to get going. I called everyone for a meeting at my office. We'll get you out of this mess, don't you worry ok? We got this."_

**An hour later Cragen, Fin, Nick and Liv all rushed into Cragen's office, anxious to know what the hell was going on and what they could do.**

_"Ok here is the deal. Rollins is in a tough situation and the more we allow this to continue the more this case will affect her."_

_"We can't touch this captain."_ Fin noted.

"_Officially no…we can't go anywhere near it; unofficially…" _He finished his phrase by raising his eyebrows, noting the necessity to make this case their top priority.

_"This is too much captain. I mean…first you , now Rollins. IAB certainly has a thing for svu."_

_"They want a sacrificial lamb and Amanda seems to be the perfect candidate. She has prior relationship with the victim and a motive. On top of that she can't find a rock solid alibi." _Olivia replied.

Fin was silent, just walking around the office waiting for Cragen's orders.

_"We know they have a cell phone message and a tape of their encounter at the parking lot. I wanna know if there is more. The time of death is between 5 and 6 am right? Amanda claims she was at home, sleeping."_

The captain turned his head to face Fin, hoping that he could enlighten them.

_"You…were with her last night? Was she home at sunrise?"_

_"No…she wasn't…"_ Fin licked his lips and finally managed to spit is out.

Liv was caught off guard and so was Nick.

_"So…she lied."_ Nick observed.

_"Yeah she did. I guess once she heard about the time of death she must have realized it wasn't gonna help her if she would tell the truth."_

_"You think?"_ Liv sighed and rubbed her chin.

_"Where was she?"_ Cragen asked, hoping that the answer wouldn't be as disastrous as he feared it would be.

_"I don't know for sure. I think she was out for a walk."_

_"At 5am?"_ Nick responded sarcastically.

_"Yes. She does stuff like that. I've been living with her so I would know that."_

Fin gave Nick a mean look for being a smart ass and Nick nodded back, acknowledging he had crossed the line.

"She_ must have felt the need to go for walk to get some fresh air. She was in her running gear from what I could tell."_

_"How do you know she wasn't going any place else? I mean, for all you know she could have taken the car."_ Nick replied.

_"She took Jenny with her as usual. Besides I saw the car keys on the counter when I woke up and she was still missing."_

_"You didn't ask where she went when she came back?" _Nick shot back.

_"No Nick I didn't. I know it is hard for you to accept it but some men don't like to spy on their woman. There is a little thing that's called trust. It goes with that other little thing that is called personal space._

_"Take that back! I am here to help ok? If you don't want my help just let me know and leave my family issues out of this!"_

_"Then stop acting like she did it. All that attitude gives me the feeling that you have doubts and I don't need that._

_"I don't have doubts about Amanda ok? All I 'm worried about is that no one will believe her. We need an alibi and she just lied about being at home with you. How long do you think is it going to take before they find out she was out of the house? Huh? It will ruin her credibility." _Nick shouted angrily.

_"Don't you think I know that? Can I help it if she took that walk? She is not the same Amanda she was a few days ago. She needs some time to adjust to the new situation. She has got a lot on her plate you know."_

_"Everyone just calm down."_ Cragen shouted at both of them.

_"I know man…i'm sorry. I just cant believe this is happening. By the way…I know this isn't the right place or the right time but…congratulations… for the baby. Must be thrilled to have a little one huh?"_ Nick wished Fin and extended his arm to pat his shoulder. Everyone was on the edge so there were no bad feelings between the detectives.

_"Thanks Nick. I'm sorry too. I'm so touchy right now."_

_"We understand Fin. It's not only Amanda in that cell. Your baby is in there too. You have every right to be feeling angry."_ Liv tried to calm him down and Fin nodded in response. He needed to relax and not push himself so hard. Ever since that day at the hospital when Amanda and the baby were in danger he hadn't had the time to recuperate. Small aches at the left side of his chest were still bothering him occasionally but he tried not to think about it too much at the moment. One thing was for sure though; he would have to check up on his health at some point, when all this chaos was over.

_"Ok so she walked at the park with her dog. Did anyone see her? Can someone confirm she was in Queens and not in Soho?"_ Cragen said to Fin.

_"I don't know. Maybe…"_ Fin was dispirited.

_"We're not gonna let anything happen to Amanda, Fin. Trust me. We will find a way to get her out of this. We cleared the captain didn't we?; and we had some big fish to fight against. This will be a piece of cake…you'll see."_

_"Ok then."_ Donald stood up and put an end to that group meeting._ "Let's get going; and remember…I want you to be thorough but I also want you to be discrete."_

_"Copy that cap."_ Fin walked out of the office first with Liv and Nick on his tail. He was feeling more confident and optimistic after Liv's inspirational speech.

**The blonde was sitting , restless, inspecting every inch of her cell with that exploratory look of her.**

The taste she was having from the other side of the law was bitter and she couldn't make herself comfortable no matter how much she tried. She felt like a fish out the fish-bowl. Naked without her badge on, not to mention her precious gun that was taken away from her. Dressed in a pair of blue jeans and a button up shirt, stripped from her dignity, she waited for her lawyer to come, hoping this nightmare would soon be over. Her baby was her only concern. When her anger was about to get the most of her she would force herself to recall the first time she heard the heartbeat. When she felt like crying, pissed at her damn bad luck, wondering when that chain of unfortunate events in her life would end, she would bring the ultrasound picture in her head and then Fin's delighted face when he put that little picture in his wallet to keep it with him.

She took a deep breath and light deluged her soul. Everything had to be fine. It just had to be. Without even realizing it she started smiling. What a surreal image that was. Some of the criminals in custody from the nearby cells were looking at her sceptically.

The gate opened and a cop followed by a lawyer walked up to her cell. The lawyer introduced himself and informed her that he was there to help her.

_"I need to speak with my client."_ He was a middle aged man, well dressed, holding a briefcase in his right hand and his coat in his left hand. He smiled at her for a moment and then cut to the chase.

_"I need to know everything about your relationship with the victim. Even a tiny detail could be of help to me and it could also break the case if you hide it from me. I believe you're an experienced detective so I don't need to remind you of how things work in the criminal justice system."_

_"I understand counselor."_

For the next hour mister Iverson and Amanda had a long talk about Eli; starting from the minute those two met until the day she saw him for the last time. Amanda tried to remember every aspect of their relationship in the past including mutual friends and acquaintances, possible common enemies or people who would benefit from his death.

_"The fact that the crime happened after your return home from the hospital is the main clue that has turned everyone against you. The fact that he is the abettor of your accident doesn't help either. On the contrary, it gives you motive. The only thing that we could use is your pregnancy. What kind of sane mother-to-be would destroy her life just to get back at her ex lover whom she had erased from her life for over a decade? Thankfully the crime scene hasn't given them anything to work with. There is no DNA or fingerprints, no eye witnesses put you in the crime scene. Security tapes from his hotel are being processed as we speak and so does his ipad. His car here in New York was a rental with a gps system on it so we will probably take a nice look at his route from the day he came to New York until the day of his death. You say you haven't met him since that day at the parking lot right?"_

_"That's correct, yes."_

_"The hotel is very far from your neighbourhood but they will check traffic cameras to see if your car was anywhere near that area around the time of the crime. I need to know exactly where you were this morning. You told them you were home, sleeping. Is that true? Was there anyone with you?; preferably someone who wouldn't lie to protect you._

_"I…I wasn't home like I told them. I was out…alone. I know this looks ugly and that's why I lied. I guess i thought they would get off my back soon but I was wrong. They have no one else but me and they intend to keep me. At least until someone else fits the profile of the killer. They can't risk letting their only suspect walk out of here. This case has already made a major buzz. The entire law enforcement system is thirsty for justice. That being said I believe I don't stand a chance trying to hide the truth."_

_"No, you don't. So I need an honest answer. Now before it is too late. The damage is already done but we can still fix things as much as we can."_

_"I was out. I couldn't sleep so I took my dog out for a walk. I needed sometime to think things through."_

_"About that walk…you live in…"_

_"Jackson Heights…"_ She filed him in in a hurry.

_"…and you left the apartment around…"_

_"5:30am… I believe…yes I remember checking my phone on the way out and i remember the time vividly."_

_"Ok so Jackson Heights to Soho is not a small ride. I'd say around 30 minutes… 40 if you use public transportation."_

_"I guess you're right. I didn't take my car though."_

"Yes and that's a good someone confirm that? Are you living alone? "

"I live with my...future husband." The word husband coming out of her mouth was so surreal and made her pause for a second. _"...and yes i think he can verify that. I believe he must have seen the car keys. They were left on the counter."_

_"We can prove that there is no way you could have gone all the way to Soho in just thirty minutes, presuming that the crime did happen between 5 and 6am as we were told. Aide from the ride over there it takes time to go up to his room, have a fight and kill did you return home?"_

_"Around 7 am."_

_"Did anyone see you returning?"_

_"Yes…my…detective Tutuola was there. We had breakfast together."_

_"…and you were still dressed in the same running gear right?"_

_"Yes…of course I was. Why would I change my clothes during a walk at the park?"_

_"Exactly…I need to see those clothes asap."_

_"You'll check them for blood stains…"_

_"Yes we will… there is no way in the world someone would smash the victim's head like that and get away without any blood on. Don't you worry about a thing, detective. They have nothing. It will all work out just fine. I will see you at arraignment." _He turned around, grabbed his briefcase and the door opened before him.

_"Counselor…do you know if… his family…" _Amanda stalled him.

_"They know. They've been told. Detective Morrison, leading the investigation made sure they were informed. I think the wife is on her way here but I could be wrong. I am more concerned about you detective."_

_"Of course…I just… I wanted to know. I used to know her and… she didn't deserve this. Neither did his kids. They were good kids; as far as I can remember."_

"What were their names? Alison...Brian and...oh yes the lovely Michelle." Amanda tried to recall their names and faces after so many years.

Alison McGraw was a redhead woman, just about to turn forty seven born and raised in Houston Texas, working as a paediatrician. She was his wife since 1986 and their conjugal life was full of ups and downs, break ups and make ups, most of which were only attempted for the sake of their children. At that point no one knew for sure if she should be called his wife or his ex wife. No one was sure about the current status of their relationship.

Back in 1999 when Amanda and Eli came closer to each other, he had sworn to her that he and his wife were separated and Amanda had no reason to doubt him. He was living alone in Atlanta at the time, but they both knew he was gonna pick up and leave as soon as his employment contract would expire. Amanda wasn't interested in the future and she never asked for further details. He would often fly over to Houston but he would always tell her he was visiting his children and that he had moved out of their house. The nineteen year old Amanda worshipped him and took his word for everything he had told her. She and Alison had never met. Amanda had only seen Alison once when she came to Atlanta for a conference.

Eli and Alison had two kids, Michelle who was twenty seven years old and Brian who was twenty three. Those two were in shock when they were informed that their father was brutally murdered that morning. His son was speechless and his daughter almost had a nervous breakdown. Alison tried to stay calm and keep her family from falling apart. She took the first plane and she was gonna land in New York any minute now. Her children were gonna follow the next day.

His children were both adorable. She had seen pictures of them in his wallet, dozens of birthday pictures and Christmas Eve dinners. Eli had a scrapbook with him in Georgia and he had shared it with her. He was feeling homesick those five years that he spent away from his family and Amanda certainly kept him warm for the last three of them.

Back then, Amanda could only imagine how much his kids were missing him and she would encourage him to travel more often to see them. She had once talked with them over the phone, as their father's acquaintance of course and they had met her when they had come to see their father at a Christmas Eve in 2000. At the time he and Amanda were officially living together so the kids spent Christmas Eve with both of them. Whether they knew she was their father's girlfriend or not they never said a word and Amanda never got to find out. The year after that, Eli had to return home and she didn't follow him to Texas so she never got to meet them again.

She smiled when she remembered Michelle's laugh and Brian's teases. They were both good kids, all grown up now who wouldn't know what hit them. Michelle would have to be how old now? The blonde tried to calculate and she was pretty sure she would be twenty six or maybe twenty seven. Just a few years younger than her yet back then she was practically her step mom.

Amanda was always too mature for her age and even though Michelle was fourteen years old Amanda was feeling like the age gap between them was enormous. Michelle had always been the daddy's girl, pampered and a bit spoiled. She was his favorite one and he had no problem stating it; his little princess. Amanda admired Eli's devotion to his kids and she would feed off that love herself.

The more she would think about it- thinking was all she could do, locked in that cell for hours- she realized she always envied Michelle for having such a loving father. You see, Michelle was always gonna have him in her life and enjoy his love and affection forever, while Amanda was just another mistress to keep him warm at night. Her behaviour toward the kids varied from behaving like a real grown up -the way life had forced her to do from a young age- to approaching the kids like she was one of them; like she was their big sister.

She chuckled and leaned against the cell handrails. She grabbed them with both hands and rested her forehead on her left arm. Psychoanalysis was definitely the blonde's beloved hobby these days. She felt like she had been running away from her "redneck" past for too long and she slammed the door to her childhood's face so anxiously a long time ago. However, that door had forcedly opened again, bringing whatever she had chosen to forget with it. No matter how hard she had tried to put everything behind she kept finding herself looking into her past. This time she had to go back to her late teens and early twenties and disinter everything she had lived with Eli. The doors of her past were wide open again, whether she had caused it or not and she had to be brave and face her ghosts and hear what they were there to tell her, even if it meant that she would have to admit her own mistakes.

_"Ugh Eli…good Lord…you're dead. This is unbelievable! How the hell did this happen to you? Just like that; you're gone." _She talked to herself.

She touched her belly and rubbed affectionately. Matters such as life and death were really heavy for her now. How can someone carrying life inside her not gasp at the idea of death?

In the meantime CSU was turning the crime screen upside down, looking for anything that could help them determine the murder weapon. The hotel room was a mess, thrown clothes and personal items were scattered across the room. The hotel management was alert; frightened about the impact that incident would have on the 5 star hotel's refulgent reputation. Meanwhile, footage from surveillance cameras in the area surrounding the hotel were already being examined.

_"Detective! We found something."_ Two officers, dressed in uniforms had been literally battling with garbage inside the garbage bins around the block, looking for anything that the perp could have gotten rid of after the murder.

_"Come take a look at this! This could be the murder weapon right?"_

Morrison took a good look at it, raised his eyes and looked both of them and smiled.

_"Good job boys. I'll take that."_

_"Melinda, give me something."_ Fin had stormed to ME facility, waiting for Melinda to brief the assigned detectives. As soon as they were gone he followed Melinda into her office and asked for a favour.

_"Melinda, please, I need to know what they know."_

_"You know this isn't your case Fin. Svu needs to stay out of this. If anyone sees you here you're gonna be in trouble."_

_"Do I look like giving a damn about getting in trouble? Come on now it's Amanda we're talking about."_

_"Yes I know. She is the prime suspect. You must be…worried."_

_"I am. We need all the help we can get." _

_"I understand that but you gotta let me do my job as well." _Melinda raised her eyebrows, clearly not sharing the same concern with him about the young detective.

_"I know you haven't exactly warmed up to Amanda but sh__e means a lot to me Melinda. We are…"_

_"…involved. Yes I heard. I also heard she is pregnant. Is that true?"_

_"Yes it is. I'm gonna be a father for the second time."_

Fin was straight forward with her like he always has been. Hiding behind his finger or playing with words was never his way of dealing with things no matter how uncomfortable he would feel.

Melinda goggled and gave him a bold look in the eyes. She was trying to happy for him; genuinely happy. After all , she was never delusional about their relationship even though there had been a few moments when the lines between friendship and romance were , deep inside she wished he wouldn't have chosen someone she could never compete with.

_"I see. It's not like you…dating someone you work with. I guess there is a first time to everything."_

Fin was feeling awkward and he could definitely feel Melinda's discomfort so he chose not to drag this unpleasant for her matter and get back to the case. Melinda grabbed the file and took a quick look.

_"The victim sustains a severe wound at the back of his head which was probably the cause of his death. He also has plenty more bruises caused by a long curvy object; not sharp but heavy enough to kill someone if used with excessive power. I'm guessing either wooden or metallic. We're looking at a premeditated homicide here Fin. It was no accident. The good thing for your… partner is that there is no obvious connection that ties her to the crime. No DNA or fingerprints found on the body. Whoever the killer was, he was wearing gloves and was careful enough not to leave anything behind."_

_"Thank you Melinda. I appreciate this."_

_"Anytime Fin. That's what friends are for right?"_

_"You've always been a great friend to me Melinda._" Fin tried to set the limits of their relationship and Melinda got the message. She turned around, heavy hearted and returned to her office.

Rollins was impatiently waiting for the arraignment when he heard footsteps and the noise became louder. She saw her lawyer walking in a rush.

_"Detective Rollins I have some good . Warner examined the body and so far there is nothing that ties you to the case. One other thing. CSU thinks they found the murder weapon. It is a 1998 Worth EST softball bat, covered with blood. They found it at a trash can near the hotel. It wasn't the smartest move to leave it there. The killer is either not as clever as we think or he wanted us to find it. Either way we are going to have to wait and see what happens. They are going to examine the bat as soon as they can. Sadly t__hey don't know who this bat belongs to so far. They are looking into the date it was purchased, its serial number…you know the drill. Hopefully some of the blood on it could be a match to our killer, if a struggle happened like we suspect."__  
_

Amanda felt a rush of blood top her head. Her throat dried out and her heartbeat increased dramatically.

_"What kind of bat is…that?" _She hesitated to ask.

_"It's pink, with silver details."_

Amanda was lost for words. This couldn't be happening. This was too premeditated to even seem like a simple coincidence.

_"It has a signature on side..."_ Iverson informed her after flipping some pages to find the characteristics of the evidence.

_"…and an "A" curved on the other side. Yeah…I know."_

He raised his eyes to meet hers. She tilted her upper body and lifted her shoulders.

_"It's my signature. This bat belongs to me."_

**STAY TUNED FOR PART TWO ;)**

**PLZ TELL ME IF YOU LIKED IT! I AM SO THRILLED ABOUT IT! I HAD SO MUCH FUN WRITING IT! **


	21. Chapter 21

**PREVIOUS CHAPTER: AMANDA FINDS OUT THAT THE MURDER WEAPON WAS HER OWN SOFTBALL BAT.**

* * *

She took a look at the picture of the bat that was pined in the documents Iverson was holding. She let out a long sarcastic laugh, full of anger. This case was going deeper than she believed in the beginning._ "This is NOT happening!" She murmured. _

_"If you have anything you want to tell me, now would be a great time detective."_

_"I don't have ANYTHING to tell you. I don't even know what to think anymore. I am really starting to feel like I am being set up here."_

_"So you didn't take your bat and paid the deceased a visit this morning at his hotel?"_

_"No I didn't! I already told you what happened! I don't even own that bat anymore. I gave it away a long time ago."_

_"To who then?"_ Iverson was losing his patience.

_"To him. I had given it to Eli, as a gift for his daughter's sixteenth birthday."_

_"Did he tell you if he gave it to her or not? Is it possible that he held on to it all this time?"_

_"I assumed he gave it. If I remember correctly Michelle did thank me for the gesture."_

_Did she call you or speak to you in person or did he relay the message?"_

_Is it that important?"_

_"Yes it is detective. Because if he kept that bat as a souvenir instead of gibing it to her, if it was in his belongings then it will be really easy to assume that he brought it with him To New York…maybe as a sign of wanting to reunite with you. They will say… he showed it to you… you rejected him…he made a move…you hit him hard over and over again."_ He stuttered, drops of cold sweat filled his forehead.

_"Ok I get it."_ She shouted, putting an end to his paroxysm. The blonde started walking around her cell, trying to remember exactly what had happened back then. Had Eli really kept her bat? ; and if so, why on earth would he be carrying it around with him? Were Iverson's suspicions real? No, she really couldn't afford to think that way. Eli had absolutely no right to come to New York having his mind set on winning her back. No, this wasn't the case. Eli may have been a haughty man, taking pride in stealing his students' heart with nothing more than a faint smile, but behaving like that was totally out of character for him.

_"We'll have plenty of time to look into your case once I get you out of here. It's almost time for the arraignment hearing."_

_"You seriously think they're gonna let me out of this place until trial? Did you just hear what I said? This was MY bat and now it has blood all over MY God damn signature."_

_"Amanda, trust me. I know what I am doing. It all depends on the judge and I know for a fact that Judge Meredith Brown is behind the stands today. We are going to use your pregnancy and your wounds the best way we can. I promise you, you will go home today."_

He smiled at her, trying to encourage her and that seemed to work well. Amanda took a deep breath and offered him a thankful nod. Fin and captain Cragen were both sitting, right behind the blonde. Iverson was standing right next to her, preparing his speech. He fixed his tie and took a sp out of his glass of water before the judge addressed to him.

The judge Iverson was talking about was thankfully a woman and a mother of three on top of it. Iverson strongly believed she would find it extremely hard to send a wounded pregnant woman in prison and especially one that was a dedicated cop and without the means to flee.

Amanda entered the room, escorted by a cop and she immediately spotted Fin. The minute her eyes landed on him, she felt a sudden urge to cry and run toward him. That weird feeling of sadness and despair mixed with happiness and gratitude was one way to describe what was going on inside the blonde's heart at the moment. Fin locked his eye sight on her and began to scan her from head to toe; trying to evaluate the state she was in. She was still dressed in the same clothes she wore that morning when they took her away from him. He felt his throat begin to dry out and his head was pounding.

_"Are you ok?"_ He whispered as clearly as he could so that she could read his lips and Amanda nodded in response and gave him a faint smile. She rubbed her belly and smiled at him again; this time it was a big smile indicating that she had every reason not to lose her mind and try to hang in there patiently. He returned the smile and sat down. Cragen was as concerned about Amanda and he made sure the blonde saw him waving at her as she walked in there.

A few minutes later, it was Amanda's turn with the judge. Everyone held their breath as they waited for her to make up her mind. Everyone was hoping Amanda was gonna be released but just in case the judge had decided to act tough and not let her feminine side affect her job, Cragen had already decided to put his house as bond and help Amanda make bail. He would never allow Amanda to spend more time in jail.

Amanda was standing, playing with her fingers, nervous and stressed about the outcome. She had her red, teary eyes focused on the judge as much as she could since she was feeling nauseous that morning and she could barely remain standing without feeling light-headed.

The hearing went a little bit worse than her lawyer had predicted and if it wasn't for Amanda's obvious bad fatigue, the judge wouldn't have accepted Iverson's request that his client should be released upon her own recognizance.

As soon as she heard the judge's verdict Amanda could finally exhale and release all that air she had been keeping locked inside her lungs. Iverson patted her shoulder and whispered _'I told you so.'_ close to her ear.

She locked her eyes on him; her best friend and her lover. He opened his inviting arms as she walked closer and closer toward him until she finally stormed into his warm hug and hid inside it, with his protective wings locking behind her back. She let a small moan and tried really hard to not allow herself to cry in front of all those people in the courtroom.

_"It's ok baby, it's over. I'm here now. Everything will be fine now."_ Fin assured her and rubbed her back all the way up to her neck and down again. _"Come on let's go home."_

Home! What a powerful word with such a priceless meaning behind it.

* * *

**Three hours later Amanda was finally home after staying behind bars for almost twenty four hours and paying the hospital a visit for a quick check-up.**

Her relief once she stepped on the 'welcome' door mat was immeasurable. It is quite impressive how much she considered Fin's home her own. As she entered the door she couldn't help but get a flash back to the previous day when she had been arrested in her own house. From that moment something inside her broke and was beyond repair. Her cozy home that had been her sanctuary had been violated and tainted, leaving the blonde with a unpleasant feeling.

She didn't wanna go there, not even to pick up some clothes and some accessories. The stuff she had left at his house were more then enough for her at the moment.

_"Home, sweet home…."_ Fin exclaimed and rushed to help her take her coat off. She appreciated the gesture and turned his back on him to make it easier for him.

_"Uh I am so tired; so drained moth physically and emotionally. I just wanna have a hot bath and go to bed. Aw my sweet comfortable bed."_

Fin smiled at the sound of _"my"_ which was how she described the bed. It felt so flattering that she felt so comfortable in his house. It would certainly make his case a lot easier which meant that he wouldn't have much trouble convincing Amanda to let go of her place and live with him in that house.

Amanda took her shoes off and unbuckled her belt. She headed straight to the fridge and grabbed a beer. Without putting that much thought to it she opened the bottle and took a big sip. The moment she moved the bottle away from her lips it hit her.

_"Ugh darn it! How stupid am i? I drank beer! I can't do that anymore. Shit, I messed up."_

Fin was just as disturbed they had both forgotten about the rules and all those things she should be staying away from, from that moment on.

_"Oh snap! Baby I'm sorry I didn't think about it earlier. I just stood there watching you drink it. We'll be more careful now that we're gonna get back to our normal everyday life."_

The blonde felt disappointed in herself. She should have kept her head in the game. The baby's health was her priority. She had to adjust to the new era in her life.

_"Don't even feel bad about it. It was just one sip. It's nothing." _Fin was quick to add after seeing how much it affected her. Amanda passed him the bottle and Fin took a sip as well.

_"Hey…hey come here, you."_

He grabbed her and pushed her in his arms. He kissed her forehead and caressed her hair. She shoveled both her hands in her eyes and rubbed them.

_"You're tired. You had a long day. First the arraignment, then the meeting with your lawyer, you need to get some sleep. Come on let's get you in the bath tub first."_

He unbuttoned his pants and took off his shirt. He got fully undressed and helped her take her clothes off as well. Her body still had bruises and abrasions from the accident although the cuts were now not that deep and showed signs of healing. Thankfully she had gotten rid of the plaster and she could mover her hand more freely now. The minute the doctor removed it, Amanda tried to squeeze it and make a fist. It hurt a bit but she wanted to make sure she could still use her strong right fist.

They got inside the bath tub and Fin opened the hot water which began to pour on them. Amanda felt the water on her skin and groaned. It made her wounds ache a bit but at the same time, her tired body began to relax and enjoy the heat. Fin spilt bath foam on his hands, spread it gently all over her body and began to massage her shoulders. She had her eyes closed and enjoyed every single second. He washed her long blonde hair and washed it off with cool water.

_"You know I was thinking today…"_ Fin talked in her ear, not sure if she was listing to him at first.

_"Tell me."_ She responded indicating that she hadn't reached a high level of relaxation.

_"It seems to me that we don't need two houses anymore. You know, we hardly spend time apart and I cant remember the last time we spend the night individually."_

_"The night we had that fight we did sleep apart."_ Amanda opened her eyes and replied.

_"That was different. We had a small argument and besides, we slept in the same house didn't we?"_

_"Technically…you're right...where are you taking this, Tutuola?"_ Amanda raised her eyebrows and gave him a side look.

_"I thought maybe we should consider staying here. So what I am trying to suggest is that maybe you should leave your place. How does that sound?"_

Amanda was caught by surprise. She had no idea Fin was thinking that far ahead and a big part of her was impressed on how fast he had transformed into a family knew that his intentions were serious and they had had a few talks about their future but she hadn't realized he was in such a hurry. He had to be a lot more into her than she could guess; not to mention a lot happier and pleased with their life together than she thought. He seemed to be yearning to officially start their common life.

_"Wow…ok." _Amanda turned her body to face him. She had foam on her hands and instinctively began rubbing his chest and arms.

_"I don't know about this. I haven't thought about it to be honest. To tell you the truth when I bought this house I really believed it would be my permanent residency. But… I guess you're right. I made that decision when I was single and not I am not! The house isn't big enough for both…all three of us anyway. So I guess I could rent that place for the extra cash and live here. I mean, this place has two bedrooms a bathroom and a WC. It is big enough for a small family."_

_"Yeah it can hold us in for now. I don't know what is gonna happen in a few years from now. We may need more space if we become more. We don't have to think that much ahead though. This house is suitable for now."_

_"MORE? That would mean more than one kids right?" _She thought to herself and she goggled.

_"Slow down now tiger! Let's focus on the baby that's already made." _She chucked._ " Invitation accepted . I'll be ready to move in. I don't have that much stuff anyway."_

_" I wouldn't be moving in with you if you did! Think about it. Picture me moving in with one of those women that need a trailer for all their clothes and bags and million pairs of shoes. Ugh I get sick just thinking about my man cave full of heels and purses."_

Amanda ticked his breasts and picked his nipple for being so unkind and rather unfair to the female gender. _"Not all women are Barbie dolls, Fin."_

_"Oh I don't give shit about the rest of them or the unfortunate men who are gonna try to build a home with those nut-cases. I'm no longer a free man and I can sit back and watch the bachelors struggle to find a matching pair. This is a lot of fun. I feel bad for them. HA!" _He laughed out loud.

_"You are so mean….but I like it."_ Amanda teased him and stood on her toes to reach for his thick lips and give them a flaming kiss.

_"Oh my God, it just hit me. Where is Jenny. I didn't see her around. Did something happen to her?"_

_"No, I just left it at Nick's house for the weekend. I couldn't take care of her with you away. Don't worry, Gil and Zara are thrilled she is there and they wont let her live that easily."_

_"Nice. Anyway, I'll put a the house on lease first thing tomorrow. It won't be hard to find someone to rent it. The location is remarkable."_

_"Yeah, Jackson heights are a great neighborhood, close to Manhattan. You'll find someone really soon."_

As soon as they were done ,he wrapped her with a towel and led her to the bedroom.

_"Alright now you stay right here and get dressed. I will be right back with diner. Don't move an inch." _He pointed his finger and winked at her. He hoped out of the room, grabbed his keys and left the house. Half an hour later he was back holding a diner bag and a red flower.

Meanwhile, Amanda blow-dried her hair and got into one of his boxers that looked so big and baggy on her. She also chose one of his NBA jerseys that left her arms and pectoral area uncovered.

She found herself wandering around the house for a while. She was walking in and out of every room, inspecting the place for the first time since she first set foot in there. This was bound to be their first home together until they would consider moving to a bigger one. She didn't wanna think that much ahead for now, and she couldn't take Fin's words that just slipped out of his mouth into much thought. He was just being hypothetical.

The house was quite spacious and the bedrooms were comfortable. The view from the bedroom windows was great and Amanda could really see herself as the lady of the household in there. She walked inside Ken's old bedroom and looked around. The room had a bed and a set of weights on the floor. Fin and turned it into more of a storage but it had a lot of potential.

That would be the room they would turn into a nursery. Such a surreal thought; Amanda carrying Fin's baby just two years after they first met and so unexpectedly. There she was, moving out of her home. She instinctively caressed her belly and smiled. She hadn't had the time to connect with her baby that day and she felt almost guilty for forgetting it's existence earlier.

_"This is your room little one. This is where you will be sleeping. Daddy will clean it up before you arrive. He'll make it a beautiful place. You'll love it here."_

She used that time when Fin was gone to think things through. She couldn't stop thinking about Eli and the murder charge she still hadn't gotten rid of. She needed to clean her name; that was for damn sure.

_"I'm back." _He shouted as soon as he got in the house. I got diner. The doctor said you should stay away from raw food so Chinese is out of the list. I checked the list and it says you can have protein for diner so I brought you chicken fillet with green salad with some cottage cheese and olives. I got the same for me too."

_"Sounds delicious baby. I'll be right there. I am in the baby's room."_

Fin put on a warm smile and left the take-out bag on the counter in a hurry. He got his jacket off and threw it on the couch. He saw her standing at the door of the bedroom and approached her.

_"I was thinking...this room has potential. All we have to do is empty it out and get a crib. I'm gonna start looking into some catalogues cause I have no idea what other things a nursery should have."_

Fin hugged her from the back, her head rested on his shoulder and he rested his neck on her shoulder. He wrapped his hand around her waist and placed his palms on her belly. He rubbed it with gentle circular moves as he listened to her ideas about the decoration.

_"I wouldn't want something ridiculously girly if it's a girl. Not too much pink and butterflies. I have something more unisex in mind. Maybe a little light yellow and pale green."_

_"What if it's a boy and he is obsessed with the solar system and wants to become a spaceman? The room will be like a little NASA station." _Fin joked and the blonde laughed.

_"Hmm yeah anything can happen when it grows a little older. It's gonna be so much fun to witness it develop its own personality don't you think?"_

_"Yeah, definitely."_

Fin's eyes were cloudy now. He lost his smile and observed the room inch by inch. He saw a crack on the wall from the time when Ken had bumped his head against the wall after turning his bed into a bouncer. His eyes travelled around the room like everything was coming back to him little by little.

Up until that day he hadn't stopped to reminisce about his earlier days and he would rarely bring the memories of those younger days up. He felt rather uncomfortable thinking about the past. He tried really hard to remember some fun moments he had shred with Ken in that room and very few came up. By the time Ken was ten Fin was already in Miami, working undercover in narcotics. Sometimes Ken would have to wait for weeks for a phone call from his father, and it would be a brief one. Teresa had been Ken's mom and dad for most of his life while Fin was getting deeper and deeper into the job. Then, Ken hit puberty and he disconnected from his father furthermore so Fin would count on Teresa again to communicate with their son.

_"What's wrong babe?_

Amanda raised her hand and touched his cheek to bring him back to their conversation. He snapped out of his thoughts and returned to the current situation but it didn't happen without bringing some nostalgia and melancholy up to the surface.

_"This room will be perfect and me and my son will spend so much time in here playing video games and reading alien stories."_

_"You're thinking about Ken aren't you?"_ Amanda sensed it from the tone of his voice that carried a lot of emotion.

_"Yeah… I am. This whole thing feels like life has given me another chance to prove I've learnt from my mistakes. I feel bad for Ken though. I know he is a grown man, married and about to start his own family but what if he feels like I did everything wrong with him just to be able to do things right this time? What if he feels like life joked on him?"_

_"You had told me that he was quite cool with us having a baby remember? He asked you if you were up for another kid at his wedding. Did he seem bitter?"_

_'No, he was happy for me, I guess."_

_"Yes he is. He is really mature and sophisticated. You didn't screw up as much as you think you did. Give yourself a break. You did good back then and you're gonna do great now. I can feel it. Our baby is gonna have a kick- ass daddy. Come on, I'm starving. Oh I forgot I need to take my magnesium tablet before bedtime. Ugh I need to come up with a plan so that I wont forget to take my pills."_

_"I'll organize a schedule and pin it on the fridge so that you know when and what to take. Don't worry I got this. I'll pin the diet right next to it. I decided to start eating healthier food too."_

_"I thought it sounded weird that you chose to eat lighter tonight but i didn't think it was that serious. Honey, don't do it just for me ok? I am a big girl. I can control myself. You should eat whatever you're used to eating."_

_'No-no-no I want to do this. I've been eating a lot of junk for a long time and I feel like my body is giving me signs that I need to change my eating habits. I've been exercising more since I started joining you to the park but it's not enough. I need to get rid of fast food and refreshments."_

_"What kind of signs?"_ Amanda smirked and got a little worried. That was the last time she had heard him talk about his health and to be honest she felt so guilty for not keeping a close eye on her fiancé's health condition. After all, he wasn't young anymore.

_"There is nothing to worry about, Amanda. I've just been having some chest pains lately and I thought I should stop putting extra pressure on my heart. That's all." _His voice was softer and warm trying not to make a big deal out of it.

_"What kind of chest pains? Where exactly did you feel those? Is it bad? Do you feel any exhaustion or dizziness?"_ She turned to face him and placed his palm on his chest area trying to get a feel of his heart beat.

_"They happened when I was going through a lot of stress so maybe it is just an anxiety symptom and I'm just being paranoid. Whatever they were, I decided to change my lifestyle so that I won't have any trouble later on in life. I may be fifty now but I am not done living the good life just yet. I have a sexy lady by my side and I wanna be the man she deserves."_

Amanda rolled her eyes, making fun of him for thinking that way.

_"Plus, I wanna be a hands-on father and I cant do that if I am a fat old man popping high blood pressure pills before diner. Hell no! I want my kid to be proud of me. I gotta prepare myself for football practice, soccer, basketball games, roller-blading, biking. It's challenging to raise a kid these days. They have so much energy! I'm a beast though, so we'll be cool!""_

He joked and pumped his chest muscles like a macho man. _"Seriously now, I cant be acting recklessly. Not if I'm about to become a father at this age. I know it is a big risk for you to choose a fifty year old man to start a family with and I won't disappoint you."_

_"What on earth are you talking about? You are not gonna disappoint me. Don't be silly."_

She gave him a pat on the lips and they moved over to the kitchen.

_"Anyway, good for you. I will back you up on this. Now let's go eat that diner before it turns cold."_

* * *

**_"I have the report on the crime scene, detective."_ an officer walked in his office and placed it on the desk.**

_"Thank you officer, you may leave now."_

Detective Morrison was watching the videos from the hotel cameras without even blinking. Another detective had gone though them before him and so far, there was no sign of detective Amanda Rollins anywhere.

_"Ok, so the archive of the hotel reception clearly notes that Eli McGraw had a visit at 5:30 from a young blonde woman but the receptionist didn't ask for a name." _He told his fellow detective, Fernando Santos, who was sitting on the cough, as he was rubbing his neck with his left hand. The two men began debating over the case as soon as the officer closed the door. Santos had a few blanks that needed to to be filled in.

_"Why didn't he ask for a name?"_

_"He said that McGraw had specifically told him that he was expecting company and that he should escort the young lady up to his room without asking for identification."_

_"…and he did just that?"_

_"He had no reason not to. He saw the woman…she matched the description…he let her go up to his room."_

_"Did he escort her as he was asked? Did he see her actually enter the room?"_

_"No he didn't escort her so we cant know how the deceased reacted after seeing her at his door."_ Morrison replied.

_"So…we only have the camera at that floor."_

_"It's not much…a stupid flower was blocking the view. The camera didn't record them the minute they saw each other at the door."_

_"Ok…so what else do we have?" _Morrison asked or a review.

_"A)…"_ Detective Santos started counting raising each finger as he continued._ "…a bloody bat with no fingerprints on it except for signature that belongs to detective Rollins and is currently our biggest weapon against her."_

_"She is a cop…she would know better than to leave her fingerprints on the murder weapon." Morrison argued._

_"And how about dumping it in a trash can right outside the hotel? Was that smart move that an intelligent cop would do?"_ detective Santos asked and raised his eyebrows. _"The gps from his car…?"_

"Useless…he only drove from the hotel to svu and back again. He never drove anywhere near Jackson Heights aaaaand he never called her phone line at home. So he only sent a few texts just to catch up and of course met her at work really often during the period he was working on their case. What else?"

"Uh Rollins' outfit was tested for blood stains and it came out clean." Santos stated with confidence.

"Are we sure she didn't change clothes?"

_"I cant say for sure but there seem to be eye witnesses at the park who remember the blonde with her dog like she said…"_

_"..after she had lied to us of course which is the second thing we have against her." _Morrison added, making Santos narrow his eyes. He wasn't sure why Morrison was so quick to nail the coffin of the blonde detective but he didn't like it at all.

_"Lying or not the question remains…" _Morrison continued_ "..how does someone reach Soho all the way from Jackson Heights in just half an hour, changes clothes God knows where, leaves the dog…again God knows where, heads to his room and kills him?"_

'What about the way the killer left afterwards?" The younger detective asked Morrison.

"We saw the same blond woman, in the same jacket, only this time zipped all the way up – probably to hide the blood stains- taking the stairs and then we lose sight of her. The hotel cameras don't cover the kitchen or the rest of the stuff facilities so my guess is that she sneaked in the stuff area and used a back door that led behind the hotel…hence the bat at the dumpster of that back road."

They both sighed and looked at each other puzzled.

_"If we had something more from the crime scene; a fingerprint or even better some DNA this case would have been done by now." _Santos complained.

_"All we got is that the killer is definitely female and knew the deceased. She was thin and about 6" tall and wore a hat and sunglasses so that the cameras wouldn't identify her. She was fast and quite smart but definitely not a mastermind."_

_"Wait a minute! She had a backpack. See that? Does that seem big enough to hide a softball in it?" Santos shouted._

_"What's your point?"_ Morrison asked, clearly underestimating the less experienced detective's abilities.

_"Rollins swore that she had given that bat away in 2000 right?"_

_"Yes…so…?"_

_"so…did the killer find the bat inside the hotel room or did she bring it with her? Is it possible that agent McGraw would carry the bat and bring it with him to New York? I mean, come on he would only stay at the big apple for a week. Why would he carry unnecessary weight on him?" Santos was ecstatic at that small detail. _

_"I still don't know where you're taking this."_ Morrison knew damn well what the detective wanted to say but he didn't want to admit that there was a big chance that charges against Rollins would be dropped and he hated that possibility. His friends at the IAB had been dropping hints that if he could find a way to harm svu's reputation he would get a treat.

_"My point is that the killer possessed the murder weapon and brought it with her at the crime scene, so technically Rollins can't be the one we're looking for."_

_"IF we take her word for it, yes. But, that was a personal transaction between the suspect and the victim and none of us was present when it happened…if it happened. For all we know Rollins could have lied about the bat and it wouldn't be the first time."_

_"All I'm saying is that we really should focus on that unidentified female. The more I see her on video, the less i believe this is indeed detective Rollins. Aside from the hair colour-which could nothing more than a wig- I don't see a lot in common with the murderer. We should have another word with the receptionist and talk to every single employee of the hotel."_

Morrison knew he had no choice but to do so, otherwise there would be suspicions concerning his methods and his involvement in the case.

_"Of course we will…starting right now."_

_"Also, I suggest we look into the evidence found at the crime scene and double check for fake hair."_

_"I know exactly what needs to be done detective Santos. But thank you for the interesting ideas."_

Detective Santos was annoyed but he couldn't really do anything to stand up to his superior. However, he was determined to look into this case the way it needed to be done whether Morrison agreed or not.

**After diner Fin and Amanda cuddled on the couch** watching a Rangers game on tv but inevitably they couldn't keep off the pressing matter no matter how hard they tried to keep the conversation about trivial random things.

_"You're stressed about the murder charge?"_ Fin asked her hesitantly.

_"Well yeah I am. How can I not be? I know Iverson told me not to stress and let him handle this his own way but I can't just find peace until this whole thing is behind me."_

_"I understand. Look, I know you're gonna get pissed at me for saying this but you shouldn't have lied about where you were that morning. It only made things worse."_

_"Ugh I know,Fin…I know but I froze. I don't know how the hell it happened. I'm usually more cold blooded and I always think straight no matter how crucial the situation is. I wanted this whole thing to end and I picked the wrong way to get it over with. Iverson said he can fix it."_

_"He will. We're gonna help him with that as well. The whole department is upside down cause of this. We're doing the best we can. Liv, nick, John and the captain; we've all started our own investigation under the radar. Iverson is in open channel with our squad and they will find the killer, don't worry about it. They can't touch you."_

_"Uh I hope so. When I saw their faces the moment I entered the precinct…"_ She sighed. _"I wanted to dig a hole and hide in it. Did anyone…believe it was me who did it?"_

_"Nope, none of them even began to think that. They know enough about you nowadays baby. They know you have a code of honor and a certain work ethic. You would never risk dishonouring your name, your career and the law enforcement that you respect so much. You're a soldier and they know it too damn well."_

He said and he ticked her nose with his free hand while the other one was resting on her shoulder. Amanda smiled and rubbed her face on his arm.

_"Do you suspect anyone?"_ He asked her. _"I mean…you knew the guy quite well from what I can tell."_

Amanda grinned and nailed him down with one sarcastic but also judgemental stare.

_"Are you serious? How close can I be with a man I dated for three years and that I haven't seen in over ten years? Come on baby, I know you're supposed to be a bit irritated that he happened to be my ex but don't be ridiculous. It doesn't suit you, honey."_

Fin had a slight smile on his lips. That whole scene was just a little game and nothing more serious than that. There was no way he would act like a jerk about a guy Amanda slept with back in the day. Most men often feel intimidated when the ex comes along but Amanda hadn't been with more than four guys before him so he couldn't really complain.

_"I didn't say anything! I'm not jealous or anything. I just said that you may know him better than the detectives may. That's all. I'm not implying anything."_ He paused for a second, grabbed a handful of peanuts and stuffed them in his mouth. _"He was good looking."_ He finally added. _"He must have had a lot of girlfriends so…"_

_"…so I was just one of them and I meant nothing for him. Is that what you're trying to say?"_

_"No, no that wasn't my intention at all. All I meant was that it is gonna be hard to find who did it. Iverson said it was definitely a woman who killed was the only visitor he had. That's all! Damn you get feisty for no good reason."_

_"Can we just watch the game and not talk about Eli ever again? Hasn't he disturbed our lives enough already? The last thing I need right now is dueling on my relationship with the guy. It belongs to the past so get over it."_

_"You're right baby, I'm sorry. Let's just forget about this. It was a mistake to bring this up tonight, after all you went through cause of this. How about we talk about something else just as important?"_

Amanda frowned and tied to catch his drift but she couldn't figure out exactly what he meant.

_"I'm talking about the baby news. Now, almost everyone at work knows and some of them know i am the father or at least they suspect it since the found out we are involved."_

She smirked and groaned with dissatisfaction.

_"Great! I'm gonna be the number one gossip right now. It's gonna be a while until they stop talking about it. I don't want them to think of me a slut who screwed her partner on the job and got knocked up. This isn't who I am."_

_"I know that."_

_"Yeah but they don't! They will see me differently from now on. I wouldn't want them to think…"_

_"Think what?"_

_"Forget about it."_

_"What is it?"_

_"I don't want them to think I am easy. I mean, I never was the type of person who gave a shit about other's opinion about me in my personal lie but I always wanted to be respected at work. My job is really important to me and I put in a lot of hard work to get this far. I dodged a lot of bullets along the way. Do you know how hard it was to dismiss your rumors that me and my previous captain Sam were involved? I went through hell before that whole thing was over and everyone saw they had it all wrong. Come to think about, I think…that night at the office my deputy chief came on to me because he had heard all those rumors about me. You see, he must have thought I was not hard to get so I wouldn't have a problem hopping in his bed."_

_"You worry about being an easy prey for the male officers from now on?"_

_"Yeah. We don't know or how long we are gonna be teamed up. The next guy they pair me up with may feel like he should get some love too. Ugh I know it sounds ridiculous but this is how I feel right now. I don't know why I am so sensitive about this."_

_"You have every right to be scared about the future of your career. I want you to do all the things you dreamt of when you took the oath. It's just the hormones that have gone crazy in you that cloud your judgment. I strongly disagree that you will lose your credibility in the unit. Besides, who the hell would ever hit on a married woman that easily? You can hide the baby at home but a ring is pretty hard to hide. Plus, if they do need a reminding that you're not available, I can always assist them."_

_"What re you talking about?"_

_"I'm just saying that things between us have become dead serious and none of us can deny the fact that we're walking down a certain path, which none of us had thought about walking until now. We have both agreed that we're doing things we never thought we would without freaking out."_

_"Yes, I remember that talk we had a while ago about the big 'where is this gong?' topic and we both thought we were mature enough to take the next step which at the time was to begin to consider making it official."_

_"Exactly. Don't you think it's time to do that?"_

_"When the RIGHT time comes yeah but not because we have to. We're not living in the house in the prairie, Fin. A woman nowadays doesn't have to hide behind a ring to feel protected and hide her shame. I wasn't a virgin you ought to marry before the strict father comes after you with a shotgun."_

_"Who said anything about being forced to do it?"_

Fin felt genuinely offended and he made sure she understood he was being real and not fooling around this time.

_"When did I ever say I would marry you ONLY if I had to?"_

_"You didn't , but you're acting like it is an obligation. If I made you think I wanted a ring with what I said about work then I'm sorry. It wasn't my intention at all. I'm not fishing for a proposal Fin. Is this the type of missy you think I am? After all this time you've known me? I wasn't raised to hide behind a man."_

_"SLOW DOWN WOMAN!"_ Fin hopped out of the couch, throwing the blanket aside.

_"Let's just take it from the top and without the unnecessary speculations shall we? I brought up the whole thing about giving you an engagement ring because I WANT to do it and NOT because I wanna restore your honor or put you under my wing. I know who you are and I know you can handle yourself without my help. I wasnt trying to turn you to a woman you're not or tie you down so that I can control you. Are you following me so far?"_

Te blonde nodded but kept a poker face.

_"Ok then. Where was I? Oh yes the ring! If you don't want to be my fiancé officially we can skip this whole thing and just live together and raise our baby. I just thought you would like it if we declared we are together so that you would feel complete. That's all. Not that I imply that all women need a ring to feel complete, of course."_

He looked into her eyes and he tilted his head trying to be cute. _"Understood?"_

_"Yes. I see where you're coming from. I'm sorry if I was unfair. I wont use that cheesy line like 'I'm pregnant and I cant control my emotions!'"_ She said impersonating those women who say things like that. Her melodramatic acting amused Fin so much that he laughed out loud.

_"I just took it the wrong way and I know I shouldn't have. I mean, we just had that talk about the future last month and I wasn't acting so feministic back then. I don't know what changed. Maybe I changed they way I see things now that I am not alone. I felt like everyone will give me charity cause I will be bloated…and fragile…and weak, especially weak."_ She said in a miserable tone.

_"It is just temporary, baby. You will not change into something you're not and I won't be treating you differently after you give birth. Those remaining seven months are gonna be over before you know it and you will be back to your regular bad-ass self I fell in love with."_

_"Promise? You promise me I won't lose my edge if I officially become your woman?"_

"I promise!"

_"Then I guess I could live with an engagement ring on my finger. It's not that big of a deal. I can live with that. I can be a bad-ass mom. Not all married moms lack guts."_

_"Exactly. Now come on, put some clothes on and let's get outta here."_

_"Where are we going?"_

_"Out! We have an engagement to celebrate."_

_"With no alcohol? What kind of celebration will that be?"_

_"Who needs alcohol? Only losers need alcohol to celebrate. Come on, I wanna have some of that thing you bought for me the other day."_

_"You mean the frozen yogurt?"_ She laughed.

_"Yeah that one."_

_"You don't find it disgusting and weird anymore?"_

_"Nope! I like it a lot. Take me to to the place you got it from."_

_"Alright! It's only a few blocks from here."_

_"Can you walk that long? The doctor said the first trimester may have you feeling weak and dizzy."_

_"I'm fine. We'll stop for some rest if I feel unable to follow. Let's go."_

_"Who wants frozen yogurt?"_ Fin addressed it to Amanda's belly and she replied on behalf of the baby using a kid's voice.

_"Meeeeeee daddy!"_

They walked out of the house and closed the door behind them.

* * *

**_"Ms McGraw I am so grateful you could make it to our appointment. _**_I know you're going through a really hard time and I can only imagine the pain you're in, you and your family. I hope you understand that your contribution to this investigation is valuable."_ Detective Morrison was sucking up to the victim's wife while detective Santos and two more detectives were present in the office.

Alison McGraw was dressed in an elegant black dress and had her long red hair tied to a loose bun.

_"I already told you everything I know, detectives. I want this parody to be over before my kids fly here."_

_"We're gonna need to talk to them as well ma'am."_

_"This is absurd. I will not allow my children to be tainted by this…this…unfortunate incident."_ She tried to find a word less painful to describe her husband's death. They may have been apart but she always cared about her husband in spite of the mistresses she knew he had over the years. Hid death was a huge shock to her.

_"Ms McGraw, your husband's death deserves justice. He was murdered. Do you understand that? You may also be in danger."_

_"Me? Why?"_

_"Your husband was a powerful man with a lot of enemies. Whoever did this could be having their eyes set on you next."_

_"Do you think this is a vendetta against my family?"_

_"Maybe, but we wont know for sure if you don't help us."_

Alison fixed her hair and folded her hands on her lap.

_"What do you want to know?"_

_"Did your husband receive any threatening letters, e-mails or phone calls? Is there anyone bothering you lately? Harassing you maybe?"_

_"Eli never involved me in his business. He wanted me to stay away from his job. He knew he was dealing with criminals every day. I don't really know if he had such trouble. We moved in together just recently. We haven't exactly been close lately. We've tried to make it work over and over again over the years. We only tried to be a tight family recently for our son's sake. He's had...some issues that required us living together as a real family."_

_"I see."_

Alison McGraw remained in that office for over an hour, answering all kinds of questions concerning her husband's life and work.

Meanwhile, in the svu frontier the squad was sitting at the edge of their seat knowing that the wife was there. Nick had pulled some strings and gotten his hands on the file Morrison had put together.

_"They interrogated the receptionist but all he could tell them was that she was blonde and basically everything the camera had already given them. The only thing he told them that had carried some weight was that her voice was particularly high pitched and that she had a southern accent."_

_"Southern accent?"_ Cragen noted and looked at Nick sceptically_. "This doesn't help much."_

_"Yeah but the high pitched voice captain? We've all heard Amanda speak. Her tone is really low pitched."_

_"They will say she changed her voice on purpose. Trust me, Amanda is a chameleon. I didn't have her transferred all the way up here just for her pretty eyes. She can transform into pretty much anything she is asked. Her range goes from a Protestant non to a Russian prostitute. One look at her file and they will see she can pull it off."_

_"Wouldn't she lose the accent as well? It's her distinctive feature."_

_"Point taken."_

_"Maybe the killer is smart enough to put a blonde wig on but not smart enough to change her voice. Assuming that her plan was to put the blame on Amanda."_

_"keep digging. Find out every possible enemy McGraw had and let's focus on those from his state, Texas. If the accent was real then we could be looking at a real southerner. Also, I wanna know if this woman was just an accomplice or the mastermind of this crime. I want to know every single woman he had ever slept with, why they broke up and if they called it quits like civilized people. Prioritize; look into those who had a bad break-up with him, stalked him , threatened to tell his wife… you know how it goes."_

_"Copy that captain."_ Nick walked out of Craren's office and got back to work.

* * *

**On his way out of the precinct, heading to the closest diner, Nick spotted detective Santos and rushed toward him to say hello.**

_"Hey amigo!"_ Nick yelled and detective Santos turned around.

_"Hey, Nick! Long time no see! How is svu treating you?"_

_"It's great. It's definitely challenging but I like it here. Needed to get out of Narcotics."_

_"Yeah I feel you. I needed a fresh start as well."_

_"Good for you. Hey Fernando…listen. You have to know about one of the detectives I work with…Rollins."_

_"Oh you know her? Yeah I know about her case."_

_"Well I was hoping you could fill me in on some things I can't figure out. We wanna help her out a little bit. She is not good for this."_

_"My gut tells me the same thing, but the senior detective who is in charge of the investigation disagrees. He is still convinced she did it."_

_"…and you?"_

Santos looked around to see if anyone was seeing them talking. _"Come on, let's grab a bite somewhere."_ He suggested so that they wouldn't be seen together.

_"Look Nick. I've been trying to find evidence that excludes your fellow detective as much as I can. I don't wanna do things out in the open. What I got so far is that there was found a piece of fake hair like I suspected at the crime scene. The blonde hair was a wig and now we can prove it. I also did some research and I found the same backpack the killer had and guess what? You can totally put a softball bat in that thing without anyone noticing it by looking at it."_

_"So the killer had the bat, not the victim."_

_"Exactly. Rollins says she gave it away and I believe her. Question is: Who and why would have any reason to impersonate Amanda Rollins and kill Eli McGraw in order to frame her?"_

"We think she may be southern."

_"Yes I know about the accent. The receptionist said it didn't seem fake and neither did the voice tone. She sounded normal."_

_"Who could it be then? The hair could be of any color. We're trying to track down his previous mistresses. Maybe he hurt someone or got her pregnant and bailed…"_

_"Yes , this is my theory as well but she should have known Amanda as well otherwise it doesn't make any sense. Where did she find the bat and how did she know how she looked like?"_

_"Could it be…the wife? You know…jealous of her husband's girlfriends…decides to kill him It makes sense."_

_"She flew in last night. I don't think she could have been here four days ago. She works in Houston. However, I will check to see if she took any vacation days this week."_

_"We should check the airline passengers list to see if she had visited New York before this time." _Amaro pointed out.

_"We've already done that. Her name is not in the passengers' list of any flight from Houston to New York before this flight after the murder. Besides, she doesn't seem to be bothered by her husband's habit of screwing his college students. I guess it happens when you're married for nearly thirty years."_

_"Or you're just waiting for the right time to get back at your husband and the mistress at the same time…and if you can send the mistress to prison…can't get any better than that right?"_ Amaro noted and Santos seemed to take his point under consideration.

_"Anyway , I appreciate your time bro…nice seeing you again after all these years."_

_"You too Nick. I'll see you around. Hey, listen. I've been…in contact with her lawyer. Under the radar of course. I'm helping him out behind the scenes. If you need anything just go to him. It's better if we don't meet again until this case is over. Morrison is a dick, we might wanna lay low for a while."_

_"Yeah , it's for the best. Thanks for the heads up Fernando. I'll see you…when I see you"_ He smiled and walked out of the coffee shop. Santos followed a few minutes later just in case someone was around.

That same afternoon a long meeting was held in secrecy at the precinct. Liv, Nick, Cragen and Iverson all gathered to exchange information and fill in the holes with brand new clues.

_"A small recap everyone!"_ Munch brought the attention of the crowd on him and carried on with his speech.

_"The blonde hair turned out to be a wig so hair colour shouldn't be a factor. The wife isn't the jealous type and didn't fly to New York so she can't be the Killer."_

_"Maybe she didn't fly from Houston but are we sure she wasn't some place else..like Dallas?"_ Liv was playing with her pen, keeping her hands occupied. It helped her organize her thoughts and channel her stress so that it doesn't affect her thinking."

Iverson intervened and noted that they're missing the point. _"This doesn't sound so far fetched BUT you forget the most important thing. She is a lot taller than Amanda and the cameras show a woman who is not taller than 5'7. Alison McGraw is 6'1 and the receptionist is 5'8. There is no way he could have it wrong when he said that he had to raise his eyes to meet hers-well her sunglasses- to be exact. Rollins is 5'7 as well."_

_"That is true. Back to square one!"_ Nick threw his pencil on the bunk and rested his hands on the mattress.

_"Nick, did his phone records give us anything shady?"_ Donald asked Nick who grabbed the file placed on the bunk and looked into it for a few seconds before he could give him an answer.

_"Nothing shady here. Hold on…I see a phone call to a new number which doesn't seem to be listed as a contact. I'm surprised the detectives didn't notice it."_

_"Find out where it belongs now."_

_"I'm on it captain."_

_"In the meantime, before we can exclude the wife I need everything there is to know about her. Medical history, her work file, where she has lived, any trouble she has been in. If she had the slightest reason to want her husband dead we need to know about it before she flies back to Texas."_

_"She may already have…"_ Liv pointed out in disappointment. _"It sucks that we have to count on them to conduct the investigation. We don't even know if they're willing to their damn job well."_

_"We are not going to allow them to burry Amanda. We will find that mystery woman and bring her to justice." _Cragen's voice was firm and strong willed. He meant every word and he wasn't playing around. At that point he wasn't afraid to stand up for his detective and continue his investigation out in the open. There wasn't much they could do to him and frankly, he didn't give a damn these days. If he had any pretension to be considered her father he had to step up and take all the punches for her. If he had one reason to it before, after the bonding they had achieved through some hard times, he had a million more reasons now that she was pregnant. He had to do it for her and for Fin.

His mind was constantly to them two, at home, spending some peaceful moments in order for Amanda to fully recover from the accident and the shock that she suffered because of it.

_"Captain...you need to see this."_

Nick's voice brought Cragen back to that room and he turned his head to face Amaro who was standing at the door.

_"That phone number belongs to an escort agency called "Lilith"._ I talked to the owner but he won't give information over the phone. I'll take Liv and pay him a visit.

_"Maybe McGraw was feeling lonely."_ Liv commented sarcastically and followed Nick out the door, while putting her jacket on her.

"At 5:00 in the morning?" Munch commented and gave them a wicked smile.

_"You two…go."_ He paused. _"Get me something. Forget about the bat for now. I want you to check out every single female McGraw socialized with during his stay in New York;girlfriends,groupies,prostitutes…everyone."_ Donald ordered them and as they left the room, Iverson thought it was the right time to leave too.

_"Maybe your insatiable sexual desires were the end of you, Eli."_ Cragen talked to himself as everyone left the room.

* * *

** FINAL PART COMING UP! I HOPE YOU HAVENT LOST INTEREST YET! THANX FOR FOLLOWING THIS STORY SO FAR! **


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